A lot is being written about submission at the moment, much of it in the context of the whole 50 Shades of Grey hype. It has been good to see articles in newspapers and magazines written by those who live this lifestyle themselves. It has also led to a number of bloggers writing on the topic themselves.
For this girl, deciding to write about her submission is less about any outside influences, although they have been thought provoking. Actually this is about something within, about a sense that this girl’s submission is developing further. This is partly because Master is pushing this girl to explore her limits, but also that she wants to do so.
To begin with submission felt like a desire, a want. Something to try. It was possible to switch it on and off. To be Master’s girl when they were together, and then to get on with real life. Pretty soon though this girl realised that it wasn’t so easy to put it out of her mind. Over time it has become a need.
Part of this is structured through the contract. Within it, this girl needs to consider Master’s view on the things she does. She needs at all times to wonder whether He would be happy with what she is saying or doing. To consider whether He would be proud of her actions and behaviours. This has at times caused this girl to act differently than she would previously. It also gives her cause to reflect on her actions afterwards.
Whenever Master says good bye to this girl, whether in person or say on Skype (which is how they communicate during the working week), He tells this girl to be good. She often laughs this off, but actually it is important. It is a reminder. He is not particularly hot on punishment, for that this girl is glad and grateful. But this doesn’t mean she wilfully misbehaves anyway.
Then there is the way in which we address each other. He is Master and that is what this girl calls Him. Sometimes she almost refers to Him as Master to others; family members or colleagues. In her own head she thinks of Him as Master, because that is who and what He is. Master always refers to this girl as girl. She is pretty sure that is the way He thinks of her, as His girl. During play or sex, this girl often calls Him Lord. He loves her to refer to Him in this way. There was a time when this girl laughed in the face of such a title, but not any more. In this relationship, this girl needs to consider the respect with which she treats her Master. Gradually He is also becoming her Daddy, as He guides her and teaches her the ways of His world. To Him this girl is a bitch or a slut. She loves to be called these names and He loves it when she refers to herself in this way.
For much of the time we have been together, this relationship has been conducted in private. First in play and in the bedroom and then within the confines of our homes. This doesn’t mean that Master hasn’t always touched His girl – a feel of her bottom or nipple for example – while they are out in public. This girl is required to dress without underwear when we are together, unless she seeks permission. Master prefers access to this girl’s body at all times, though He is relaxed about her wearing trousers etc during winter. The feel of His hand on this girl’s bare bottom as we walk along together helps to remind her of her submission, what is more, she finds it arousing and she loves Him to turn her on in this way.
Now though we are branching out, we have started to attend a local munch regularly and this girl has asked Master to consider a play party for them to attend soon. When it happens, it will be her first time playing in public in front of others and also to watch other people. This girl feels that it will be an important step for her, but probably something she needs to do.
This girl’s submission is increasingly about the power that Master has taken from her and which He exerts over her. It is an ever present aspect of their relationship together. For Master, the power exchange is what arouses Him, indeed it is at the core of who He is. He doesn’t look for, nor get any kind of doormat, but we both know who is in charge in this relationship. For the first time in her life, this girl is able to go through whole days of her life without making much in the way of a decision.
This is highly liberating for someone who thought she was a control freak. Often in restaurants these days, this girl barely glances at the menu, and never bothers to look at the wine list since she never chooses the wine anyway. That power exchange though is not always an overt thing, something that can be seen by others, it is implicit, at the centre of who we are, an ever present undercurrent to our everyday life.
Master’s kinks are increasingly becoming this girl’s kinks. Luckily, she is willing to try most things once (at least), she trusts that He will keep her safe and so puts herself into His safe hands. So when she dresses for His pleasure, when she lies down in the playroom and He experiments with the new attachments on His violent wand, when she pisses on Him or he on Her the pleasure He feels becomes hers. This girl is there for Him, to be used yes, but also to reap the benefits and to enjoy her submission.
There are outward signs of ownership; the piercings and the bracelet. In the future there will very likely be a tattoo of some kind and hopefully a collar. He would like a slave with very short hair, maybe shaved, He may not get that from this girl (but never say never).
But really this girl’s submission is not about those things. This submissive craves Master’s Dominance and He her submission. Who knows where all of this is going to lead? Maybe it is about the journey though, not the ultimate destination.