His voice (and other things)

I don’t think we spoke on the phone before we met. I’m not even sure we had a voice conversation on MSM (remember that messaging service). Our conversations, and there were many during that week or so, were all text. But on the basis of the things that were said, we met. It was a pub and it was a Saturday afternoon.

Sitting in that pub, with my diet coke (I needed to keep my wits about me and hadn’t eaten) we sat and talked. I probably spoke much more than him. Nerves will have given me verbal diahorrea and I tend to have a lot to say anyway. I can’t remember if I was turned on by his appearance, but possibly not. There was definitely something about him though, his hand on my leg, the smell of him and his voice.

In the most, Master is softly spoken and to me his voice is a little deeper than you expect. He is a slight, slim person but when he opens his mouth there is something about the tone that stops me in my tracks, even now. With the cultured English accent of someone brought up to speak properly, he pronounces his consonants. There is little more sexy in my book than someone speaking dirty in a posh English accent. He knows a lot of stuff, he is (scarily) well read, attended one of the top universities and is intelligent. I love just listening to him speak. True to say, mind that I sometimes drift off and forget to actually listen.

Sometimes too he says things I disagree with, we don’t share the same politics for example. But we can get around that because we have the same values and some how manage to compromise.

Accent, tone of voice or other verbal cues from another can be attractive, sexy or the opposite. But a relationship is never going to develop on that basis. Master doesn’t have a toned and muscly body, he has the thinnest legs of any adult I have seen. But he is strong, fitter than he looks and has a very nice cock, plus he knows how to use it!

He is kind and considerate, looks after me but also keeps me in check. He tells me he finds me sexy and that I turn him on, just at the time I feel worst about my body. There are some irritating things about him: he has to check out facts before he believes the expertise of others and sometimes he still prefers his own view. He gets sidetracked easily so might not get things done quickly. Sometimes he can be brusque, say something another might find offensive – a case of mouth before brain. But I know his heart is in the right place and that he can probably discuss himself out of the hole he has dug.

I never believed I would find another man to be in love with. Master has taught me so much about our dynamic and helped me find out who I am. He has shared his love of books, music, film and travel. In return I have given him myself and my submission, not to mention the benefit of my own wisdom and interests.

My instinct that February day 4 years ago has proved right. I didn’t foresee we would still be together let alone that I would be about to move in with him. But I am and these are just a few of the reasons why.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

What do you see?

Earlier today, when I should have been working but was instead looking at my phone, a tweet popped up. Cara linked to a post from 2013 about how much of ourselves we reveal to our readers. She comments in the tweet that she has now met other bloggers and so of course many people have seen more than is every revealed online. This had me thinking about the things I write and the amount of myself and relationship I put online.

What I reveal on my blog

On the surface the answer is a lot. Over the last 6 years I have been open, honest, sometimes painfully so. This whole blog started as a place for me to track my own progress through a new affair. One that took me not only into infidelity but a whole different lifestyle. At times, it was the only place I could document my own feelings. This was especially true when my husband found out and I often felt frightened and alone. But actually I rarely went into personal detail, nor did I describe how my lover often left me to my own devices.

I am always careful about the things I write on my blog. I try not to criticise anyone, I don’t speak about work in any detail. Family details rarely appear, though exceptions have been when my dad was dying and frustrations with my mum. For a while I wrote about the polyamorous relationship but then the other woman started to read and so everything became sanitised. Even now, there is little real emotional detail.

I describe our sex life and my submission in some detail, often as an outpouring of post coital emotion. Milestones appear, as much for my own future memory as well as for Master to read. But detail is often sketchy, partly because I have a rubbish memory but also because I am not good at descriptive narrative. This is currently exposing itself in the Smut Marathon competition (more of which on my next blog post).

Perhaps the photos give away the most about me and us. Sometimes I even show my face. But this doesn’t mean that the reader sees or knows everything, how can they.

Twitter

Everyone here and on Twitter know that MPB is Julie. That is my real name. I chose to do this not because I am uncreative, but because I don’t want to hide behind a massive pseudonym. I am not critical of anyone that uses one, it just isn’t me. But it does tend to lead to me being more open and more like my real self. What you see is what you get. An open book, I find emotions hard to hide. So on Sunday when the Smut Marathon results were published I got into conversations with other bloggers / writers. Participants began to express some of the things they felt are wrong with the process and I joined in. Then someone essentially told us to shut up and I felt ashamed that I had been part of the conversation.

On balance, twitter needs to be treated with the same caution as my blog. We are all people but some of us are prone to speak more openly than others. I’m not sure I should open myself up in that way to people. While I know some of the people on twitter and have met others none are people I can describe as friends. If I can’t say it here, then I really don’t want to say it on Twitter.

Even if you see my face, know my name is Julie that doesn’t mean you can and should see all of me. Some things must remain hidden.

Blogging A-Z 2018: T and U

First day back from holiday and suddenly yesterday I had lost my blogging mojo. The discovery that I am shadow banned on Twitter just added to my apathy.

Twitter

Somehow over the past couple of years I have become more and more engaged with Twitter as a social media platform. I find myself going there when I wake and again many times during the day. My posts auto tweet and during the day a couple of older posts appear. Some days I tweet quite a bit, engaging with others and other times not.

I have no way of knowing whether this behaviour alone has led to Twitter taking against me or if it is the photos. After all, the photo below, which appeared as part of my post on Sunday is pretty graphic. But since Twitter don’t admit shadow banning is even a thing, all I can do is surmise. Still it will make my SoSS all the more pertinent this week.

Undertake

Finally I am in a position to realise my objectives. At last, after more than 4 years of talking about selling my house and moving on from my marriage it is in touching distance.

Now, the hard work must be undertaken. What to throw away, what to put into storage, what to take with me. Master has cleared out a lot of clutter, but there is still work to be done. Also, he is planning some building work, so I can’t take all of my belongings straight there. Plus there is the emotional attachment I have to this house, I have lived here for 27 years. We moved here when my son was a baby of just 5 months and so there are lots of memories here.

But now is the time to move on and to create a new home, one with Master. We will both need to adapt to our new life and to make room for each other. But it will mean we can be together and can start to plan some new plans and work on those outcomes. It also means I am going to resign my job soon and take a breather. The next few months will be emotional, but interesting and fun too.

Blogging A-Z 2018: N

Naked

He likes to see me without clothing, naked so he can look, admire, touch and to feel. I struggle with my own nakedness in a place that isn’t bed. Indeed for many years I didn’t even go to bed naked. When my son was small and I got up to him at night, but also before that and afterwards.

These past years, since I have known Master though my confidence at being naked has grown. I wander around the house naked, but then often I am alone there. In front of him too I rarely cover myself before dressing, except perhaps in a towel.

I know he would like to see more of the undressed me. He would like me to sit beside him on the sofa, naked while he is dressed. He would like me to go about my house work, perhaps some nude cooking. But something stops me from taking that final step. Partly it is the weather, even with heating it can feel cold in the house. But mostly it is because of my own image of my body.

I am all for being body positive, unless that body belongs to me. I have recently gained much of the weight I have previously lost. The cause is something of a mystery, other than I clearly eat more calories than I burn off. I plan to try to rectify things and until I do, I hate the sight of my body more than usual. However, even after losing the weight I had struggled. So, perhaps that’s an excuse.

Perhaps I just need to do more of what he likes and wants and take off my clothes until I am naked. Hopefully the weather this summer will lend itself to such a thing.

Blogging A-Z 2018: M (and #SoSS)

Life has been crazy busy round here. Consequently I haven’t had much time for  the #SoSS meme. This is a round up and shout out to other sex bloggers and came about because of the trend towards censorship and twitter shadow banning. But since I need to write anyway, for the letter M, I have decided to make this a post for both A-Z Challenge and #SoSS.

M is for MentionMarie Rebelle mentioned me today on her round up and I took the word mention from her A-Z.

Some more mentions as follows:

Fellow bloggers have also been doing the April Blogging challenge. I especially like JZ’s. Hers are all about cooking, I urge you to take a look. Her stories are great and there is huge debate on many topics. This one is about the new fangled Instant Pots, which to me are just snazzy pressure cookers. Like JZ I have enough gadgets and prefer slow to fast cooking. I know this isn’t sex, per say but food is very important!

Submissy’s posts are about her life as a submissive, and have enabled her to review some of her previous posts. I intended to do this, but have been too unorganised. That in itself makes her worthy of a visit, but her posts are well worth the read. This one on Head, humiliation and happy ever afters talks about how the ability to switch off from day to day life can be helped through submission.

Charley at Sex blog of sorts expanded on her very good smut marathon entry. Katy the girl who has everything and is fantastic at all she does. Who hasn’t known someone a bit like that. There is a flaw though and reading it from a mum’s point of view and as a nurse would consider post natal depression. Or maybe she really does love her husband more than her child.

I was really disappointed at my smut marathon third round result. I received some great feedback but didn’t score at all. Critics were correct, it was difficult to know which of my characters had the flaw. My mistake was that both did. Still on to the next round.

Hannah Lockhardt is the latest twitter account to be shadow banned. I love her post telling us about the post eroticon adventures she has planned. Plenty future blog material there.

Finally Eye, wrote an amazing piece this week about being owned. I so identify with her about her journey to recognising herself as submissive and it’s effect on her. I love that she is able to express her wants and needs through this post.

Blogging A-Z 2018: K&L

Kink and Limits

There is a place on Fetlife where you can list your kinks or as described there, fetishes. Those available range across the spectrum of those related to domination and submission, through pain, degradation, humiliation and so on. Just reading through posts there, blogs, books and comments on social media it’s possible to find out about those kinks and how people fulfil them.

What is clear, is that everyone is different. What works for one person, couple or group really doesn’t for others. But just because you come across something you wouldn’t want to do yourself, doesn’t make them wrong. Nor does it mean you have to want to try everything, after all everyone has limits.

My approach all along this journey has been that I have a few very hard limits when it comes to kink. Thankfully most of those are the same as Master, which makes life easy. These include blood, scat and anything completely illegal. I have one that I described to him at the beginning of our relationship that he has respected. It might seem odd, but I will not dress up in any nurse / medial related out fit. I am a nurse and as such will not bring my own profession into disrepute by degrading the uniform. I have no problem with others dressing as a sexy nurse, I am just not doing it.

All other limits I might have, or have had in the past are soft. This made it easy to give up decisions about those limits to Master once we agreed our power exchange relationship. He has a number of kinks that aren’t necessarily mine, but I am happy to embrace them. One of those would be water sports. Given a choice I wouldn’t initiate peeing on him or being peed on, but have to admit I don’t dislike it.

My journey to submission, slavery and kink has been one of great learning. We have explored our fantasies as well as things we knew we enjoyed. There have been things we have done once or twice and not repeated, and there are others we rarely do but would like more time to explore.

The fun and enjoyment we have together in the bedroom or play room are part of what makes our relationship special. It stops life getting dull and helps us learn more about each other along the way. I am glad I found kink and explored my limits and that I have him to help me do so.

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Blogging A-Z 2018: J

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Our Journey

We have been travelling on this Journey for over 4 years now. There have been many times, that I have worried I am not worthy to be Master’s slave. After all, I am headstrong, mouthy and independent. But I know I am also dependent on him and have been so, almost since the beginning. This is the first time in my life I have relied so heavily for advice and support. The first time I have allowed another to guide me through life and to tell me what to do. It is the first time I have allowed another to have the last word.

My own Journey

Began in 2012. Almost exactly 6 years ago. By the end of that year I had already decided I wanted to leave my marriage. But I have to admit that legally I am still married. The journey has been painful. There have been lies and deceit along the way, and I others have been hurt in the process.

But I am now at the biggest cross roads since November 2012 when I told my husband of my infidelity. His new partner’s house is up for sale and I believe it will be sold very soon. This summer I will need to sort out my belongings, throw out the things I don’t want and need, things that aren’t important to me and I will prepare to move out.

This has been my family home for 27 years. My son was only 5 months old when we moved here. He spoke his first words, crawled and walked here. We have celebrated birthdays, Christmas and held parties. We have laughed and we have cried.

But it is time to move on, my husband can become and ex. My son and his girlfriend have their own home and are travelling through their life together. I have Master and I will move to his house.

Our Journey

There are so many places Master and I want to travel together, places we want to see and things we want to do. We know that we want the time and space to do so and that will require more change on my part. The end of my solo journey is in sight and a new one for us both is now about to begin.

Most important though is not the actual geographical places we might travel to or that I will need to change my work patterns to do so. More important is the distance we have travelled together and the place we will soon arrive at.

I can’t wait for the next stage of our journey as we come together, finally as one.

Blogging A-Z 2018: G

This is the third year that I have participated in Blogging A-Z. This year i am going to try to make my topics a little more mainstream. They will, however clearly link to kink and may on occasion be NSFW.

G is for Guilty Pleasures

For so much of my adult life, I had very little time for me. Being a wife, mother, employee, daughter and sister seemed to take up my entire time. The only time when I seemed to take a breath was at weekends and holidays. Even then, so much was packed in and still the caring element went on. Now, my life is different, but I still feel guilty doing things for just myself. Though I am learning not to.

What are my guilty pleasures?

The biggest one is my blog. Whole hours go by writing and editing, reading and commenting. Suddenly I realise that I haven’t eaten, or else done any of the other things I had planned. Less interesting things such as house work. As I write this, I have a niggling feeling I should actually have my vacuum cleaner out doing something far more productive.

Other guilty pleasures include drinking wine and eating good food, sometimes with Master and sometimes alone. Staying home when I feel I should be visiting my mother. The list goes on. But Master has taught me it is ok to put yourself first, so long as I also consider him and everything else in planning what to do.

How much time do I spend doing things for myself?

That depends on the day of the week and what else I have to do. On week day evenings I have from when I get home at around 6 to 10 when Master and I Skype together. If we are together, then that of course changes. But we usually take time to follow our own interests even then.

Until recently all of my days off were taken up visiting my mum and taking her shopping etc. Now she lives further away, I have cut the frequency but factor in an over night stay. So far this is working well and gives me the balance I need. At weekends Master and I are usually together, and try to balance being busy with down time. We both need our own space.

Do I feel guilty about time just for myself?

I consider devoting time to my own needs less and less of a guilty pleasure. It is what I and everyone needs to keep them happy, sane and well.

Blogging A-Z 2018: D

This s the third year that I have participated in Blogging A-Z. This year i am going to try to make my topics a little more mainstream. They will, however clearly link to kink and may on occasion be NSFW.

D is for Decision making

In an around about way this post is about Dominance and submission. But in particular how they relate to decision making.

I believe I am naturally submissive, and when I appear dominant that is learned behaviour. Being an older sibling, being an extrovert not frightened of speaking her mind and marrying someone unable to make decisions helped.  I always preferred that others make decisions especially where they are important and potentially life changing. However since I am not keen on actually being ‘told’ what to do, I haven’t exactly been pushed around . If you won’t be told what to do and at the same time need to decide something then you have to make the decision yourself. Added to that, if you live with someone who hates making decisions and goes out of his way to avoid doing so, then you are pretty much stuffed.

This then, is how I lived my life, unsurprisingly I was often miserable. At work, I took leadership roles, improved my knowledge and over time experience in my chosen field. I felt comfortable making decisions, but found that each days work to be tough, tiring. Not always physically, but emotionally. And then, I would come home, take care of a child and a husband. To get the adult I lived with to decide where to go on holiday or persuade him go out with friends and family was worse. So I took many decisions out of his hands and that often led to conflict between us.

There was more to the failure of our relationship than my being a natural submissive who needed a dominant, but it didn’t help. When I decided to end the marriage I had already dipped my toe into  a D/s relationship. Meeting Master only confirmed my initial instincts.

Being part of a M/s relationship

Decision making now is a shared experience. Of course there are many areas of life that I need to retain control of. But when it comes to life changes these are discussed and shared. I still don’t much like being told what to do, but Master has a way of exerting his view and authority without me feeling he is doing so. He is gentle and patient with me, which helps, though we have our moments. He really does hate being told what to do and so I can’t get away with some of the behaviours I used with my ex. That is a very good thing, since I wasn’t always fair on him.

The key now is that I can be myself and I have someone to make decisions with me and often for me. Increasingly I like that.

 

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Sexting

 


The Food For Thought Friday prompt on sexting throws up so many memories for me. Even before I knew I was interested in sex blogging, or indeed in having an active kinky sex life I was already sexting. Looking back, on my marriage there were key points when I looked for excitement. I just didn’t know what I was looking for.

The early days – pre sexting

There was a time when there were no mobile phones, and few home computers. Even once most of us had a phone we used it for calls. Texts were expensive and you only called people you knew. Plus you tended to turn the thing off when not in use.

In around 1998 or so we bought our first computer. We put it in the dining room and my son played games there. After he was in bed, I played the games too. I remember staying up to 2am one weekend night, much to my husband’s disgust, building a theme park. Later I learned (probably through my son) that you could engage with other gamers. Plus, I built a website based on the Dragon Ball Z cartoons. I was self taught and proud of myself. Next I found themed chatrooms. Somehow I found myself chatting in real time to people around the world.

Chatting and Sexting

It all started very innocuously, around the millennium. I had a thing for men in glasses and joined a chat room with that theme. There were plenty of weird people, but also some very interesting and sane individuals. I spent hours talking about anything and everything with people I felt I was starting to know, until one day I encountered someone who sparked something in me. Private chat had come into play, he was in the midst of a marriage break up and I pretty miserable in mine. The chat became a little more raunchy and before I knew it we were typing suggestive and sexual words and sentences to each other. Looking back, I am sure he was a seasoned professional, but for me this was new. Still sitting at our desktop computer, by now in the hall I entered a world from which I have probably never emerged.

Phone sexting – Text, calls and photos

Looking back, my initial foray into the sexting world was pretty tame. It wasn’t until I had a laptop with broadband that I explored actual sex related chat rooms. Sending photos took hours, even with broadband so, given the opportunity, once you had texted the next step was phone sex. Later, broadband improved and photos were possible. But sexting as we now know it didn’t become possible until our phones were enabled with 3 and then 4g.

It is really only through this quick look back at my sexting history that I can actually recognise the frustrations I felt. Here I was, a wife and mother chatting to strangers online. My husband wasn’t happy, mainly because I wasn’t paying him attention. He though was often watching TV or asleep of an evening. Things only went awry really when one or two men I chatted to sent me pictures and I, stupidly didn’t delete them as I should have. I am not sure I ever wanted what they sent, but felt excited that they did.

The world of dial up, early broadband and mobiles of the time was innocent in comparison to what we have now. But it opened up a world I didn’t know existed and in a way led me to where I am today. Sexting was the start.