New realities

Yesterday, we had sex. Spur of the moment, lustful afternoon sex. 

In the morning we woke in a large, but slightly chilly hotel room. Breakfast was served till 10, so even though we were both randy as hell, we deferred. We showered together, he lathered my body with soap and caressed my breasts. He held me and kissed me and bent forward to take my right nipple in his mouth.

I am feeling mighty odd about my right breast. The bruise from the biopsy has faded, but is just visible. The hardness inside, the cancer, remains for the moment. I look at my breasts in the mirror and think that the right one has changed shape. Perhaps, maybe. I am scared that after the operation I won’t feel like me any more. worse that he won’t want this new me. These are stupid and crazy thoughts, but they are real.

He loves my breasts

He calls them jugs, they belong to him, along with the rest of me and he loves them. Over 4 years ago, while our relationship was still new, I had my nipples pierced, for him. Also though for me, and we both love those piercings. Yesterday he took some photos, in the hotel room. He said what I was thinking, that we need to take photos now, just in case. In case I need a mastectomy and it doesn’t look the same. We have lots of photos of my breasts, many of them are on this blog, but knowing what is about to happen means we want more.

After breakfast we set off to a nearby city and wandered around the cathedral. As I wandered around, looking at the beautiful architecture, the stained glass, the tombs of clerics from centuries ago. I was struck by the peace of the place and could see how people might turn to the church and religion in times of need. I don’t have that feeling myself, but found the environment some how reassuring. A place where the fog can clear and the future, whatever it brings be faced. 

When we got home we had sex

Not straight away. He went off into his office to attend to some admin and sort through photos. I sat reading blogs, catching up on Twitter and responding to comments on here. Suddenly, he appeared in front of me. He asked what I was doing and without really waiting for an answer he unzipped his trousers. Moments later I had his cock in his mouth, it tasted very good. Slightly salty, warm and hard. My cunt throbbed a little. His cock filled my mouth.

We went upstairs and stripped off. On the bed, he ran his fingers over my slick vulva and proclaimed that I was turned on too. Damn right I was. He pushed slowly but surely inside and my body welcomed him. I needed this, wanted to feel him, to know that he wanted me. He moved in and out with ease, my body opening up like magic. My head cleared as it had in the church and I concentrated on him, his cock and his fingers. 

This wasn’t an epic sex session. A couple of orgasms for me, a change of position and he was coming inside me. But it was pure in the moment, carnal desire. I needed to know he still fancied me and he does. And what is more, I fancy him too and I don’t think that will change. I just need to remember that when things get tough. 

A year on

As new year 2014 dawned I was, without knowing it in the final throws of my relationship with S. Having spent a few days together, one of them on a geocaching trip which left me with mud down to my underwear I returned home. A few days later he unceremoniously dumped me (for the second time), for someone else.

This was probably the wake up call I needed. There really was no need for me to end my marriage for the kind of relationship I had with him. One with someone who lived 2 hours away and where I did all of the running around. Don’t get me wrong, he treated me well, we had some great times and what is more he taught me a lot about my sexual side. However he also taught me what a D/s relationship isn’t rather than what it is.
Fast forward to new year 2015, and with the benefit of hindsight I can look back on the whole of last year, on the highs and the lows. The relationship Master and I started in January last year in an Alt chatroom and in real life in February was meant to be for play. For me it was an opportunity to explore my submission and to discover much more about what BDSM is about. For Him, it was meant to provide Him with the play dates He wanted and needed until His slave joined Him later in the year. The outcome has been something completely different. What we have is a relationship which while it has the Master / slave dynamic at it’s centre is really much much more.

Being with Master has given me the confidence to deal with some difficult issues over the past year. To be clearer with hubby about my intentions, so that he is at last beginning to deal with the realities. Of course, it helps that he has another relationship, one which he maintains is platonic. Whatever the truth about that is, he is spending little time in the family home and seems much less needy than he once was. The other challenge was of course my dad’s illness, his death and the subsequent problems with my mum. Thankfully things are beginning to settle down as she begins to come to terms with her new life and we work out how much support is still needed. 

On new year’s day, for the first time in over 35 years, I took someone new home to meet my family. For the whole of last year, I was open that I was seeing someone, but given that I expected the relationship to be as described above, I was in no hurry to introduce Master into that part of my life. My son is different, he (kind of) lives here, and so was bound to bump into Master. What is more, it wasn’t that He was hidden, it was just that my marriage wasn’t properly ended and anyway I expected this relationship to be transient.

Taking Master into my family environment was a big thing for both of us. It confirms that this is a relationship which is ongoing and that for me, I am serious about my choices. My family are important to me, and the past year, has made us closer than we perhaps were. For Him, someone who is not worried about that kind of thing for Himself, I think He found it a little nerve wracking. Of course we didn’t need to worry, I didn’t expose Him to them for too long and we emerged unscathed. My brother’s were watching football and their team won, so apparently Master is a new lucky mascot!

As this new year begins, I feel positive about the future. I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road, not least the prospect of my son permanently moving to live with his girlfriend and me leaving my home. But I have to admit, I do feel good right now. 

A few changes to the blog

When I moved here, I knew that I wanted to structure things a little differently to before. Today, I have begun that process by merging some of the pages and by creating a new one, which will be about Master and I. This will help plot our journey so far and then how it continues. I want to be able to talk a little about how I feel our roles as Master and slave are developing and the way in which that manifests itself.

I feel I want to do this as at the start of my submissive blog experience it was useful to chart the journey and my feelings about that. Along the way somewhere that got lost. Rather than charting a particular day, or experience it will be about examining the bigger picture; how we got to a certain place in our lives or how we have overcome challenges.

In my day to day blogging too, I intend to explore much more of my submissive feelings, my kinks and set them in the context of His expectations of me. This will include the ways in which He is pushing my boundaries, to help me become the slave He wants.

I feel that I am embarking on a new part to my life, no doubt it will be just as challenging as what has gone before. But it should be exciting and hopefully enjoyable.