Sensuality and the senses

It is with pleasure that I am able to contribute to a new meme hosted by Brigit Delaney. I am approaching 2019 with some blogging enthusiasm and so, having the time to sit and write is a massive bonus. The first prompt is about sensuality and the senses and considering my topic and approach led me to our last play session in early December.

We have attended the club in question a few times now for both CMnf and more relaxed social events. That day was a Christmas social and I had dressed in my Santa girl outfit, complete with stockings. My only other lingerie was my bra.

Touch

I climb up onto the bench and lean over so that my knees and shins are positioned on the leg rests. stretching my arms I am pleased to find that I can find a comfortable position for them. I lay my head on the cool plastic on the bench and close my eyes. Master lifts my dress and slowly strokes my bottom with soft fingers. He starts with a soft rubber flogger and brushes it over my cheeks, teasing as he strokes between my already moist thighs.

Hearing

There is music playing in the background. One of those CDs that comes out at Christmas with all of the old favourites on. Since it is early December, this is the first time I have heard Christmas music this year. I can also hear the sound of people talking, mainly in low voices to each other and also the sounds of others playing. The swish of a flogger, the impact of a paddle or cane and the cries of other submissive girls in the midst of pain and pleasure.

Master moves around quietly, choosing the next toy with which to torture and from time to time he checks in, whispering in my ear. Calming me, reassuring me and making sure I am in a good place, and I am.

Sight

I have my head down, and so my field of vision is limited. I am also facing the Christmas tree and the speaker from where the music is coming. Anyway, I keep my eyes closed for most of the time. It helps me to concentrate on the pain and on channeling my feelings about it. By concentrating on the sounds rather than what I can see I can block the real world from my head.

Smell

To begin with the main smell if of plastic and the alcohol used to clean the bench. It is not unpleasant, but kind of clinical. But as time passes and the intensity of the impact on my bottom increases, I become aware of something else. My nostrils fill with the aroma of my own arousal. That sweet smell of sex and this increases as he runs his fingers over my slick pussy lips. He sniffs his finger and then leans his head over mine. “you’re very wet” he says. “Girl is very turned on”. Indeed she is and she can feel and smell it.

Taste

When I had first lay down on the bench all I could taste was the Prosecco I had just sipped. But within minutes I can taste my apprehension. My mouth dries and I have to lick my lips to maintain some moisture. As time progresses and my own sex fills my nostrils so my mouth waters and I can almost taste my own juices. As the session draws to a close he leans and kisses me and then I taste a mixture of him, me and prosecco. An intoxicating blend.

Our dynamic

Our relationship dynamic, Master / slave can be described as a total power exchange. I, the submissive person have given control for much of my life to my Dominant partner. This has been a gradual process over a period of almost 5 years. While working and living in my own house I always retained at least some responsibility for my needs. While there has been no visible change since I moved in with Master I sense a growth in his power over me, and my submission too.

For many people practicing BDSM is a part time pursuit, something that takes place in the bedroom, a club or dungeon. Where each takes a role, for the duration of that session. There may be rope, or impact play, one might take a dominate role and the other the bottom or submissive. Even perhaps, roles are switched depending on mood and partner. In the early days, we intended our relationship to be more about play. But it soon became clear that we wanted and needed something more. Once he had asked me to be his slave and we had begun to negotiate what that might mean, there was no looking back.

Over the past couple of weeks as the old year came to an end and this new one has started I have been reflecting on our relationship. This has partly come about through writing my end of year blog posts. But also because I have been doing some thinking and reading. Master also bought me a new collar, and just yesterday a ring arrived for my regular one. This will enable him to be able to use a lead more when we are playing.

Thoughts on my submission

Living here with Master has enabled me to give more control of my life to him. Before, I always felt I must retain control financially and of family situations. There was also work, which of course came with responsibilities. Although I am still making decisions about what I want to do, I am doing less telling and more asking about them. I have my own money and I can and do spend it. But we are living in his house and there is more dependence on my part. While this may have scared the life out of me in the past, it no longer does. Indeed it fills me with pleasure.

My illness has shown me that it is ok to rely on another for support and yes, decision making. But the funny thing is, I don’t feel the need to take the control I have given up back from him. Indeed, I can see myself giving up more and more. This is strange, since I didn’t even realise I had more to give.

For a long time I have resisted some of the signs of submission Master asked for. Ones related to dress (wearing underwear), my hair length and getting a tattoo, spring to mind, but there are others. It feels though that this year I should take the plunge and open myself up to becoming the slave I know he desires.

Thoughts on his dominance

Power is the major driver for Master. When we play, it is the very fact that my body reacts in the way it does, to his body and the toys he uses, that drives him. During sex, he loves that he can control me and my orgasms. He loves that he can call me names such as bitch and it excites me. Me being his property is something that we both acknowledge and that enables his dominance to shine though. In those moments I am slave, MPB, this girl.

When I gave myself to him totally I also gave my limits. We had agreed what they were and as we moved along the power exchange continuum I realised that he could and should own them. I can still call red (though I haven’t) and he will stop. My consent has been given for Master to make the decisions in the bedroom, playroom and in life. But importantly this is reaffirmed regularly. He does so in such a way that I must state that my limits belong to him and uttering those words make him feel more dominant. Nothing makes me happier.

I know this isn’t a relationship for everyone. I didn’t even know it was for me and indeed I do question it myself from time to time. But 2019 definitely feels like the year for an exploration into how far this dynamic might take us.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Celebration

This week we received the best news possible, a real cause for celebration. The Oncotype test, which identifies the risk of cancer recurring came back with a score of 3. Ranked out of 100, 3 is almost as low as you can get and means I have a 1% chance of dying from cancer in the next 5 years. This means I can now get on with living my life and pretty much forget about cancer. 

First though there is the small matter of radiotherapy, which will start in the middle of January. I will have 15 treatments, daily except for the weekends. This is necessary because the tumour was larger than 5cm. But there is no need for chemotherapy, which is one hell of a relief. 

The tumour was highly oestrogen and progesterone receptor positive, therefore I have been prescribed a drug called Letrozole. This inhibits the production of oestrogen which is still produced by women like me who are post menopausal. This is something I hadn’t known before. So a tablet a day for at least 5 years. There is a possibility of side effects which I’ll talk about if and when they happen.

In other news:

Aches and Pains

I’ve mentioned before about the shooting pains in my right arm that suddenly started about a month ago. These are, thankfully, beginning to subside. I am trying to use my right arm as much as possible and this week managed to vacuum the stairs without too much trouble. Irritatingly I still can’t comfortably lie on my side, not due to the surgery but because of the pain in my arm. Lying on that side seems to start up the pain. Hopefully though that will soon resolve. 

Bra buying

I have now bought 6 new bras. 2 are the front fastening soft ones I bought for post surgery. They may come in handy when I have radiotherapy as my chest is likely to become sore. They may also work well under tee shirts. I have 2 really lovely bras (one pink and the other black), that are really a bit small. I realise I was deluded to think that I was still a 36, though they aren’t massively tight. But my new bigger bras definitely fit better. Interestingly the size 42 I bought from the NHS prosthesis fitter is too big. Even on the tightest hooks there is room for it to slip up. So I am not convinced that 4-5 inches on top of your chest measurement is right. So this week I bought myself a new bra from a company called Nicola Jane. They have a fantastic range of underwear and swimsuits. I’ll be buying more from them in anticipation of our holiday after I finish treatment. This new bra, which is black is particularly for my son’s wedding in 2 weeks. 

I haven’t thrown out any of my old bras, because I don’t yet know which I will be able to wear in the future. There are still plans for a breast reconstruction and I am trying to lose weight. It is coming off, but very slowly. For now though, I am unable to wear anything that doesn’t provide full coverage of my prosthesis. It looks good under my clothes, feels like a breast and so having to wear different bras is a small price to pay. Unfortunately though they don’t hide well under all of my clothes, however I refuse to start wearing high neck tops. They don’t suit me and I hate to have my neck swaddled too much.

Fun and games

Last weekend we attended a social event at a club and were able to play. Master took along a number of implements and seemed to use most of them on me. I was able to comfortably get onto the bench and lie on my front while he flogged and otherwise hit my bottom. The endorphin rush was wonderful as it had been 3 months or so since the last time. The marks even lasted a few days, which is unusual. It was also good to sit and chat to friends and eat cake. My first for ages since in the main I have given up sugar. 

After the news on Wednesday we decided that a celebration was in order and so went out for dinner. We are out a lot anyway, but this was different, special. When Master suggested it, I realised that we should mark good news like this in some way. The next milestone will be after radiotherapy and for that celebration we are planning a holiday to warmer climbs. More of that once we have dates etc. 

For now, I leave you with a picture of my latest bra purchase. I can’t promise there won’t be more…..

I am wearing my new black bra

Playtime

Note – I didn’t’ read the prompt properly and so while I can be playful, this is about something else. 

We don’t so much have a play box, but a whole room. It’s called the play room (no lack of imagination here). It is the first room in the house I saw (other than the hallway and stairs). We played the day after we met.

I’m sure the rule book of BDSM says you should take more time to get to that stage. A strangers house, the day after you meet. But, it seemed right and anyway it was a while ago now (5 years in February). 

That Sunday afternoon was the first time I had been played with in such an intense way. Restrained, blindfolded, gagged. I discovered just how much I am turned on by impact play. How much my body can be stimulated by a variety of sensations. Our fate was probably sealed that day.

Toys, large and small

The playroom is full of equipment, large and small. Collected over a number of years, by someone who loves to shop online and in person. The largest thing is the swing and appeared soon after our first trip to CMnf. There’s one at that club and someone we met there raved about it. We didn’t try it out then, but one soon appeared at home. To begin with, it’s a little scary as you are suspended (probably naked), arms, legs and bottom supported by slings. Once you stop worrying about falling it is great fun. 

As you can see it provides open access for play with other implements and also sex. Sad to say we haven’t used it much. But it would probably be a good way for us to play while I am still recovering because I doubt I could manage my arms being restrained at the moment. Particularly above or behind my head. 

Other toys include the fucking machine (also not well used) and the violet wand which is an evil toy. I love the sensations it produces in me, but struggle with the concept of electrical play. If I’m blindfolded though, I am able to relax into it. Master also owns a large number of impact toys plus things that can be inserted into orifices. Dildos, plugs, vibrating toys and a zipper. In fact, if it has been invented and is safe and available, it is probably in our play room.

Getting back to play

Since I moved in during the summer the playroom has been a bit of a store room. Mind you, most rooms in the house are currently storing a box or 3. We have been talking about getting the playroom ready for some fun again and writing this post makes me want to do that. 

Time to get back on that swing again and have some fun. 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The changing nature of my submission

#Sccwriting

The empowering nature of submission

There are times when I wonder if I am truly submissive. As I go about my daily life, making decisions and just getting on with things. Should I defer on all things? Should I ask for more direction? 

Well, no actually. After almost 5 years in this relationship we have settled into our roles. Yes, things have changed. I don’t feel the need to be in control all of the time in all things. I no longer need to know everything that is going to happen, I trust him to be in control. That includes deferring to him for advice in a way that I had never known possible before. Master has a quiet, but powerful way of getting me to make decisions where I need to or ensuring that he does where it is better for me. I know I am a strong woman, but I need his support in more ways than I even knew. What is more, I am happy and proud to be his submissive.

What does safe mean?

He makes me feel safe. Indeed, my submission gives me a safety net. It means that I trust him to look after me whether in daily life, or when we are playing. I feel safe that he is making the right decisions for me and us. That isn’t to say that I don’t argue, become ‘unruly’ or ‘bratty’. But who doesn’t push against what they know to be good for them? 

Safe also means a safe word. I may be a slave, but we have never abolished my safe word. While I have never used it, I would if I needed to. As it happens, I only have to express that something is wrong when we play and he will stop. I guess that is what makes me feel safe in his hand, I trust him to make sure no harm comes to me.

BDSM in submission and play

Our life when it comes to BDSM and kink play is set into something of a routine. Our sex-life may look vanilla to the uninitiated observer. But only if there were no sound on the video – words and actions are important for us. Just when I think things are a little predictable he makes me pee on him, or he on me. Or he will make me get on my knees, undo his trousers and tell me to suck him off. 

Play is not a regular feature, but we have the equipment at the ready and suddenly it will appear. More recently we have attended clubs where both my submission and our play have been on display. I hope we can find a way to continue to do that, including the CMnf events. 

Limits over time

When we met I thought I was pretty clear about my limits. Over time he has pushed them slowly and carefully. My level of trust is such now, that I am happy to declare I have no limits. In truth of course there are, but he knows what they are. I have faith that he wouldn’t put me in danger, but will stretch my acceptance of his kinks. You can’t make this kind of thing happen, it takes time, patience and communication. And we have worked on all 3. 

My advice to others

Be prepared to look deeply at yourself and to answer questions about your words and actions. Even those in the past. Trust that you and your dominant will need time to settle into your roles, just as you do in regular life. Allow your submission to develop in your dominant’s hands, let them lead and trust your true personality to emerge. It isn’t always easy, you won’t always get it right but a strong relationship will allow you to be the submissive you both want. Finally trust your instincts – if you think you are submissive then you probably are. 

In The Mood

It is a while since I followed one of the sccwriting prompts. They can be found here.

Submission and sex

There is no doubt in my mind, or indeed Master’s that my submission and sexuality go hand in hand. I am at my most submissive when we are having sex. This is, I think, because when we are having sex I am able to let go of everything else in my mind and just be. I can live in the moment, and when I do that my submission comes to the fore. At the same time, Master’s dominance is most pronounced when he is aroused. That is not to say that our M/s relationship is confined to the bedroom, or indeed playroom. Since that is the other place when my submission is in profound evidence. There are undercurrents all of the time, but they are subtle and not overt. 

Tasks when in the mood for sex

Tasks and rules come more easily to me when I am in the mood for sex, that is definitely true. Calling him Master and myself this girl come automatically and I feel I am pretty much under his spell. During sex and play, I could easily comply with any thing asked of me. As a slave, I have no specific limits, I implicitly trust him to keep me safe and I willingly submit to him. 

Interestingly, since we have been living together, I have begun to regain the ability to relax and allow him to take control much more of the time. In the past I always had to retain responsibility for a large proportion of my life. Recently the need for this has receded and it is now only things to do with my family that I retain control. I see that in the future, my submission will grow and develop and become more evident outside of the bedroom.

Not feeling it

There are plenty of times when one or other of us doesn’t feel the M/s side of our lives. Sometimes that happens at the same time. Since our relationship is strong, I don’t see this as a problem. We are not robots, we are living human beings with feelings and needs. Together we can always work through them.

Frolicking in France

It isn’t just me that messes around while naked. In fact it is him, rather than me who is more at ease with wandering around in the nude. Master can be quite the exhibitionist. These photos are of him frolicking in France

Master is naked on the balcony

He also likes to clean his teeth naked

Cleaning teeth naked
Sinful Sunday

The rediscovery of my submission

Master reminded me on Friday night that we have hardly used my birthday present from last year.  For various reasons I have ridden this beautiful toy only once or twice. It’s purchase dates back to my experiences at the Secret Dungeon a few months before for his birthday. I could never have imagined just how much fun you could have fucking a machine. While the one at the secret dungeon was a sybian, more sophisticated, not to mention automated, this one relies on the user to do the work.

The fucking machine

Back to Friday night. I hadn’t realised quite how turned on I was just discussing the fact that we hadn’t used this fucking machine for several months. But by the time I had put the dildo in place, applied the condom and slid onboard I was pretty aroused. The dildo slid easily in and out of my  wet cunt as I moved backwards and forwards. As Master stood over me, playing with my nipples, sucking me and pinching I knew an orgasm wasn’t far away. 

He stroked my clit and counted down and I came to his demand. Sliding a finger into may arse, he demanded another and more. “Whose slut are you?” 

“This girl is Master’s slut”

The magic words came easily to my mouth. After months of me and I suddenly it was about ‘this girl’ about ‘His pleasing bitch’, ‘slave’. He became Lord and Master, the words falling from easily my tongue During sex I never have problems remembering who I am, of saying what is expected, but somehow this was different. It was as if for months ‘this girl’ had been sitting outside of my body, watching as I went about my crazy life. All at once she crashed into Julie and a submissive was awoken. All of a sudden I was telling Master that more control was needed, that I was proud to be his slave and wanted more of this. More sex, more orgasms, more time on the sex machine. But also rules. More, much more time remembering I am a slave. His slave.

This girl going forward

Today, sober (we had drunk quite a bit of wine) but also not high on the endorphins of recent orgasms I have had time to reflect. After 4 years as Master’s slave it feels as if I am starting from scratch. Learning again what it means to be his property, not just in bed or on a fucking machine, but in everything. 

The machine seems a good leveller. I defy anyone to strip naked, sit on the dildo and begin to rock while their Dominant watches and not feel the need to concentrate. I remember looking up at him as he stood naked in front of me, stroking his cock. I remember him asking me over and over again to repeat who I am, who he is. I remember the feeling of submission sweeping over me and I remember asking for the magic wand. For a different kind of orgasm. 

Life is not all about sex and fucking machines. It isn’t all about Dominance and submission but in this relationship those things are important. Very likely increasingly so. For us, this toy may enable us to get back to being the people we need to be and on a daily basis. Please.

The balcony shot

Apologies for not following the June prompt. I was set to do so, but then a photo opportunity arose this morning.

This photo was taken on the balcony  of our lovely hotel room. I really like Master’s edit of the original and I hope others like it too.

 

Sinful Sunday

Sunny Sunday – Curly Hair

Last week I had planned out my Sinful Sunday based on the prompt week ‘wheel of fortune’ picks. My spins were toys and mirrors. At the same time, the current Kink of the Week is tails. This I decided was an opportunity not to be missed. Only miss it I did.

Regular visitors will know that planning and then following through are not my strongest points. The planning is often great, but getting round to doing things, less so.

The weekend was a busy round of visiting my mum and staying over, gardening and then a massive bedroom / clothes sort out. Thank goodness my weekend was 4 days or else I’d never have managed it all. The thing that had to go was the Sinful Sunday. However, tail photos were taken and a post submitted to KOTW so all was not lost.

As an aside the tail got left on the bed on Tuesday and when I got home and my ex had been round for a shower (don’t ask and anyway the shower will be all his soon). Where as in the past I might have freaked and he would have sent me weird texts, there has been no comment. Fact is I might be weird and kinky, but he is just weird.

Anyway

This week’s Sinful Sunday picture was taken last weekend during the hot sunny weather. Time when I could wear a summer dress, no underwear and expose myself to Master. Photo and edit all down to him. His title on this photo was curly hair.

Sinful Sunday