January 2015
A couple of months has passed since I last updated this page. In that time, the relationship between Master and I has further developed so that the mix between M/s and a conventional relationship has become a little more balanced. At times, it might even have swung towards the more vanilla. But that has not been a particular problem for either of us. The key really is that the power pendulum is always at least slightly swinging in His direction. He calls the shots and makes the decisions. It is not that I am some kind of doormat, far from it, but for me it is liberating to have given up control of certain aspects of my life to Him. What is more, I trust Him to make the decisions that are right for us both. Of course, I can’t easily change the habits of a lifetime, so I admit that I often question what we are going to be doing and where we are going to be going. He finds this very amusing and depending on how He feels on a particular day, might just accept it or accuse me of brattiness. He is not hot on punishment, since I tend to enjoy it too much, but the possibilities are always there.
The key thing about the relationship today, versus my last entry here, is that this is currently a relationship of two people. The former slave is off the scene and thankfully has met another. For us though, there is every possibility that another girl will come on the scene at some point. While I don’t pretend that this will be easy, actually it is something that I will be prepared to do if that is what He wants and needs.
For now though. We are having a good time and are a couple. We spend as much time together as people who don’t live together can. At the moment life on this journey is good.
The first 9 Months (October 2014)
Below is a summary of our relationship from when we first met in February 2014 to now, very nearly 9 months later. Reading from the bottom of the page up.
The question
The first few weeks after He returned from his trip were difficult. Master was physically and emotionally drained, firstly from jet lag and then from the problems which were emerging for Him in His other relationship. It took a while for Him and I to work out what our relationship would mean from now on. There was a time when there was little sex, little play, but just time spent together. Gradually though, He emerged from the dark place He had fallen into and the summer of fun for us began. I have written about it all here
At the same time, His slave in the US and I made an attempt at forming our own relationship. We friended each other on Facebook and chatted quite a bit on yahoo and even Skype. I entered into the whole thing in my usual way – open and honest is my motto. I soon found out though, that it is difficult to be that way with someone who is jealous of every moment you spend with your Master. Jealous because you are where she believes she should be. At this point I made a fatal mistake. This was to allow her to read my blog. She had discovered it on Master’s tablet and then when she asked me for the url again, I let her have it. She proceeded to read every post I had written and to quiz me on every element of my understanding of my relationship with the man she called Master. Life for us both became difficult as she quizzed Him too.
In July, when things in the relationship Master and I had together seemed to be going very well indeed. I asked a question that had been burning away at the back of my mind. By that time, I had set up a private blog for He and I to communicate with each other. I posed the question there.
I asked Him where I would fit in his life once His slave arrived to live here. His answer hit me hard. Even though he had never promised otherwise, it was difficult to be told that I would never be anything but secondary to His primary slave.
At this point I felt I needed to prepare myself for the exit, when it came. But even while doing that, Master and I formalised the relationship with a contract and at the same time that very relationship continued to develop and deepen both in D/s and vanilla terms. A contradiction indeed.
Asking that question and receiving the answer I did may have led to Master to consider on a deeper level what it was that He wanted from His life. Because by the end of August He was viewing things quite differently.
Meantime, my relationship with her all but broke down. The end point for me coming one day when one of her comments via Facebook messenger saw me crying at my desk at work.
Becoming His slave
While Master was away during May there were only a few opportunities for us to communicate freely. Going from the almost constant contact we had during those first few weeks to pretty much nothing was difficult. I discovered I was far more needy than I had imagined. Without my Dominant there to help me, I felt alone and not a little bit scared. He set me a few tasks, and I sent Him photographic proof of their completion. This pleased and excited Him. Then I sent further emails some of which were reasonably explicit, others which just told Him about my day to day life.
One evening (morning for Him), we were chatting through a text medium (rather than Skype), when I felt myself become strangely overwhelmed with my submissive feelings at the same time as something happened His end. Suddenly He asked if I would like to be His slave. I immediately told Him I did.
I am not sure why being His slave felt important to me. I am not sure why the concept of giving up so much more of myself appealed. I don’t know why I embraced calling Him Master more than I had Sir. I don’t know why I am so willing to abide by the few rules He has, or that I so readily follow His instruction without complaint or argument. I don’t know why being His slave overwhelms me emotionally at times.
What I do know is that He loves the power that He feels as the Master of me. What I also know is that it makes me want to submit to Him all the more.
The months since His return in June this year, have allowed me to discover so much more of my submissive side than I knew to be possible. I know that I am His slave.
Sharing
It is so easy to believe that you can share a partner with another. To begin with I truly believed I could, indeed I probably could have if the other person believed it too and was prepared to work at it. I would be as bold as to say that in the future, if I want to remain in my relationship with Master, it will be a requirement. This is something we will need to work through, but actually I don’t reject in any way.
To begin with, Master’s slave seemed to want Him to be spending time with me. Due to her personal circumstances it was going to be a while before she could join Him. She had someone to manage her day to day needs and He needed that too. But perhaps the attraction Master and I felt also fed through to her, thousands of miles away. What is more, our conversations with each other made me question her fundamental assumptions. That spending a few weeks together at a time meant that this could be translated into a long term relationship. The rhetoric of her assumptions of their future life seemed at odds with the reality of His life as I saw it. I was puzzled. But my questions were not welcomed.
I approached the relationship in the knowledge that I was a play partner, who maybe would be retained. At the same time I knew He had a slave who would be his permanent partner. At some point though, emotion took over.
He traveled to see His slave. We all accepted that we were part of a triad. Or maybe we didn’t?
The beginning
I recently read back through my blog posts from February 2014, when my relationship with Master began. I was struck by the speed at which what we thought we wanted changed and it became apparent to us both that we needed more.
At that time, we were clear about what we were both looking for – a no strings attached, relationship where we could play together, but also have some vanilla type fun. It was only a month since my previous kinky relationship had ended, one that had helped me learn something of my submission but which in essence ended because he was looking for something different to me. What that was I didn’t know at that time. I was also in the process of ending my marriage, still not clear about how that would happen. While that process still goes on, I have a time frame within which I am sure that will happen. In turn, Master was looking for someone to meet His needs until the long distance relationship with His slave could become one where they lived together.
During those first couple of weeks it was clear that the attraction between us was very strong. He loves His toys and used them on me, sending me with ease into sub space. This was a place I had been before, but which I had tried to avoid since it meant losing control and a sense that some control was needed to prevent me doing or saying something that wouldn’t be welcome to someone who was essentially playing at D/s. Then we started to go out together, for films, dinner. We found we shared an interest in history and culture, though His knowledge has always been greater and His interests more formed. A sign perhaps of the different way in which we have lived our lives. Added to that we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. He saw in me someone who wanted to explore her submission at a time when He wanted to learn about His own dominant side. Plus the sex was very good – we met each others needs.
I told him about my blog within a week or two and he read it from the beginning, asking questions to better understand my kinks. He still goes back and reads from time to time and has a better memory of what I have written than I have at times.
Within weeks the D/s side of things was developing – His request that I refer to myself in the third person. That I call Him Sir being the start. He also pushed my limits in relation to pain. Quickly too we discussed having me pierced, something we didn’t do for a while, but we certainly talked about it.
Within days of us beginning to see each other, He expressed his anxiety that our relationship might cause problems with His more established one. We discussed whether to end things there, but knew that what we were experiencing was what we both needed. We both expressed that we were happier than we had been in a long time. That at the time was the most important thing.