Fear

The Erotic Journal Challenge for October is Fear. I love that Brigit has gone for a month long theme and hope it is something she will continue. I love to join in with memes but struggle with my originality and often feel I am repeating myself. For this one though I may well post a couple (or more) essays on my thoughts about my fears. Brigit has helpfully posed a few questions and this is the first one:

What are your sexual fears / insecurities?

Body image

I guess most of my sexual fears relate to my body and insecurities about it. I currently weight the most I have pretty much ever. I want to lose weight and am trying. But so far this year I have failed spectacularly in doing so. This massively affects my self image and I struggle to see why I might be attractive to another person. I also know that I am less fit than I could be so not very agile.

Finally of course there is the small matter of only having one tit. This is most evident (unsurprisingly) when I am naked. A by product of having had cancer are the hormone inhibiting tablets I take, which have side effects of weight gain and joint pain. The latter for me is more of a stiffness, which makes getting up from the floor for example a challenge.

Performance

We have had our fair share of sexual performance issues over the years. I am always fearful that another is around the corner. I am not so young and agile, I am overweight and taking hormone inhibiters. What if my vaginal juices dry up, what if I can’t get into a particular position, what if I can’t orgasm? From time to time all of the above have happened, though each has been a passing phase. There was also a period of time when my body seemed to go into spasm when he pushed his cock into me, causing pain. This lasted a little longer, but also passed. However I am always worried the problem will return.

I worry that Master will no longer fancy me, that my body will not satisfy his needs. Or that I will begin to push him away as I did my husband. So far this has only happened if I am tired or emotional, but the fear is always there. What’s more, he says he fancies me more than ever, that he wants and needs me.

Getting over our fears

I haven’t arrived at the age of 57 without learning to be realistic. That my body, that both of our bodies are ageing. We have learned to pace ourselves and know when sex is best for us. He is also good at listening to my troubles and woes and mostly dealing with them effectively. Unsurprisingly he is usually right. There is really no reason to believe we will go off of each other. More likely we are going to grow old disgracefully together. But that doesn’t completely stop the fears from emerging nor does it prevent me from getting carried away with my negative thoughts.

But I will plough on with trying to improve my image of myself – try to lose some weight, try to get fitter. These will be especially important as I prepare for my reconstruction surgery. Then hopefully I can look in the mirror and like myself just that little bit more and feel like the sexually attractive woman he says I am. Then maybe those fears will go.

Fit for Friday #2

This week I have spent many hours in hospital waiting rooms. This is not conducive to taking much in the way of exercise. Even our usual routine of a daily walk to the supermarket has suffered, since we did a larger shop one day on the way home. However, it has been a good week for health and fitness generally.

Dry January

It is now 17 days since my last alcoholic drink, so well over half way. The desire for wine at dinner time has somewhat subsided and I am enjoying the alternative. Usually water or some kind of fizzy low calorie drink. I used to be pretty addicted to Pepsi max but haven’t touched it for months, as I was worried about Aspartame. I am particularly enjoying a ginger beer drink, which is sweetened. However I am restricting myself to a can a day.

I am thinking seriously about how to manage alcohol consumption after I complete dry January. Probably, I need to be mainly a weekend drinker and even then cut back on what I was having before.

I will be breaking Dry January early as I finish my radiotherapy on 30th and intend to drink some wine to celebrate. Coincidentally there is a munch that night and luckily that will be in a pub. While it would be good to finish on 31st, some things need to be celebrated and the end of cancer treatment is one of them.

Fitbit stats

I don’t know if giving up alcohol is the cause, but my resting heart rate has dropped by 10 to 60 or below over the past couple of weeks. It had already dropped over the last few months since I became more rested and less anxious about much at all.

My hours of sleep are about the same, and I seem to wake the same number of times. But I feel more rested when I wake in the morning and best of all am not up to the toilet so much. This must be due to the no alcohol thing.

As for step count. We went to London this week for an art exhibition and that day I managed to clock up 11,000 steps. My average overall is 5500. This is way down on what I was doing when at work and isn’t something I can do much about until after Radiotherapy. But we are out this weekend to see some films, again in London, and will be walking around quite a bit. So I am hopeful of pushing up the average.

Diet and weight loss

In the main I have kept to my slimming group plan this week. We’ve eaten lots of extra vegetables, i’ve eaten fruit as snacks and not succumbed to chocolate. Not difficult since we don’t have any left. The result of this effort, plus no alcohol has resulted in a 2lb loss which puts me back to my August weight. My BMI is 31.1 so heading back to overweight rather than obese!

The tankini and new tops I ordered last week have arrived. These are all post mastectomy items with pockets for your prosthesis. The desire to look good in these garments is spurring me onwards.