What do you see?

Earlier today, when I should have been working but was instead looking at my phone, a tweet popped up. Cara linked to a post from 2013 about how much of ourselves we reveal to our readers. She comments in the tweet that she has now met other bloggers and so of course many people have seen more than is every revealed online. This had me thinking about the things I write and the amount of myself and relationship I put online.

What I reveal on my blog

On the surface the answer is a lot. Over the last 6 years I have been open, honest, sometimes painfully so. This whole blog started as a place for me to track my own progress through a new affair. One that took me not only into infidelity but a whole different lifestyle. At times, it was the only place I could document my own feelings. This was especially true when my husband found out and I often felt frightened and alone. But actually I rarely went into personal detail, nor did I describe how my lover often left me to my own devices.

I am always careful about the things I write on my blog. I try not to criticise anyone, I don’t speak about work in any detail. Family details rarely appear, though exceptions have been when my dad was dying and frustrations with my mum. For a while I wrote about the polyamorous relationship but then the other woman started to read and so everything became sanitised. Even now, there is little real emotional detail.

I describe our sex life and my submission in some detail, often as an outpouring of post coital emotion. Milestones appear, as much for my own future memory as well as for Master to read. But detail is often sketchy, partly because I have a rubbish memory but also because I am not good at descriptive narrative. This is currently exposing itself in the Smut Marathon competition (more of which on my next blog post).

Perhaps the photos give away the most about me and us. Sometimes I even show my face. But this doesn’t mean that the reader sees or knows everything, how can they.

Twitter

Everyone here and on Twitter know that MPB is Julie. That is my real name. I chose to do this not because I am uncreative, but because I don’t want to hide behind a massive pseudonym. I am not critical of anyone that uses one, it just isn’t me. But it does tend to lead to me being more open and more like my real self. What you see is what you get. An open book, I find emotions hard to hide. So on Sunday when the Smut Marathon results were published I got into conversations with other bloggers / writers. Participants began to express some of the things they felt are wrong with the process and I joined in. Then someone essentially told us to shut up and I felt ashamed that I had been part of the conversation.

On balance, twitter needs to be treated with the same caution as my blog. We are all people but some of us are prone to speak more openly than others. I’m not sure I should open myself up in that way to people. While I know some of the people on twitter and have met others none are people I can describe as friends. If I can’t say it here, then I really don’t want to say it on Twitter.

Even if you see my face, know my name is Julie that doesn’t mean you can and should see all of me. Some things must remain hidden.

Blogging A-Z 2018: T and U

First day back from holiday and suddenly yesterday I had lost my blogging mojo. The discovery that I am shadow banned on Twitter just added to my apathy.

Twitter

Somehow over the past couple of years I have become more and more engaged with Twitter as a social media platform. I find myself going there when I wake and again many times during the day. My posts auto tweet and during the day a couple of older posts appear. Some days I tweet quite a bit, engaging with others and other times not.

I have no way of knowing whether this behaviour alone has led to Twitter taking against me or if it is the photos. After all, the photo below, which appeared as part of my post on Sunday is pretty graphic. But since Twitter don’t admit shadow banning is even a thing, all I can do is surmise. Still it will make my SoSS all the more pertinent this week.

Undertake

Finally I am in a position to realise my objectives. At last, after more than 4 years of talking about selling my house and moving on from my marriage it is in touching distance.

Now, the hard work must be undertaken. What to throw away, what to put into storage, what to take with me. Master has cleared out a lot of clutter, but there is still work to be done. Also, he is planning some building work, so I can’t take all of my belongings straight there. Plus there is the emotional attachment I have to this house, I have lived here for 27 years. We moved here when my son was a baby of just 5 months and so there are lots of memories here.

But now is the time to move on and to create a new home, one with Master. We will both need to adapt to our new life and to make room for each other. But it will mean we can be together and can start to plan some new plans and work on those outcomes. It also means I am going to resign my job soon and take a breather. The next few months will be emotional, but interesting and fun too.

This year is a week old already

We have been chilling out in Spain for nearly 3 weeks now and this pace of life seems to be suiting me. The days seem to roll into each other – get up late, maybe some food shopping, lunch in or in a bar, a wander around, reading, browsing, drinks and dinner, a DVD, a nightcap, bed, sleep, sex, getting up late…..

That is the excuse I am giving for not having posted here for a week and for being so remiss in wishing anyone passing by a Happy New Year.

Today is my last day here in Seville with Master, and I can honestly say that all of the stresses of home and work have melted away during the time we have been here. I wish I could stay longer, as he will be doing, but the time has come for me to return to the reality of the part of my life which is separate from that with him – work and family. I am kind of ambiguous about the work part. To be honest, I do enjoy my job, but I am not looking forward to getting caught up in the politics or the pressures that come with it. I dearly wish that I could walk away, just because I realise I want different things in life now, but I don’t yet have the financial security or even the nerve to do so. I wonder though how I might feel this time next week when I have completed my first week back. As for family, well mum has been misbehaving and my brothers are looking forward to my return, and for my part I am ready to pick up my part of that bargain. I will manage her as I always do and perhaps invest a little more time while Master is still here in Spain. I have missed my son and am hoping to catch up with him and his girlfriend in the next week or so. Lastly there is the ex-hubby / house thing which really needs sorting now. I need that proper and clean break and I need to make it happen. So some tricky discussions ahead there.

But whatever difficulties there might be ahead, I do so from a happy and calm position. I have seen how my life with Master can be and it is one I definitely want and need more of. I just need to work through all of these huge little barriers to making that happen. What is for sure is we definitely get on as well over a few weeks of being together 24/7 as we do for short periods.

I am going to miss him, but hell it will only be two weeks and during that time I am going to be busy. This first week in January has gone pretty quickly and there is no reason to suspect that the next one won’t be the same.

One more day and night together and then I fly home.

…………………………………
Twitter

I already had a Twitter account, which I rarely post to myself, but follow a number of healthcare and other related threads. For obvious reasons I avoided linking to anything sex / BDSM related on there. But I have now got myself a new twitter account linked to this blog. You can follow me from the side bar or @MPBjulie This whole thing is work in progress, but something I will attend to when I get home. Yep, MPB is getting into social media!