Being this girl

I'm sitting on the grass with one leg under the other. You can see I'm not wearing panties.

In many ways being this girl is like being someone else. Someone that exists only to be his and to serve. That was likely the purpose of the exercise, as described in this post. Julie was (and is) a strong minded individual. Caring, loving and devoted to loved ones. Hard working and tenacious. All useful qualities but ones that made it difficult to let go. Julie wanted to please, but had a tendency to try to please the wrong people, to allow herself to be used. That’s how this girl came to be.

Then

When Master first broached the idea Julie truly thought he was crazy. This wasn’t something she had experience of, hadn’t even read about. But after a bit of reflection she decided to give it a go. Speaking the words out loud were and still can be hard. After all the word I is a frequent part of our daily language. Surely only weird people refer to themselves in the third person. It turns out that weird people and submissive’s instructed to do so by their Dominants. Try saying it…..”First this girl did this and then she did that” or “Please can this girl come” (the second is probably the most uttered phrase of our relationship). It took some getting used to (both asking and asking in that way.

The key thing that being this girl has done though is to enable her to let go of Julie, to just be a slave. To live in the moment. This was particularly the case during challenging times with the ex and with family. A release from responsibilities at the end of a working week. An opportunity to focus. To be able to come home from work, to change and to speak aloud as your slave self. It was like layers of skin peeling off of an onion to reveal something fresh and new.

If you don’t use the words I or me, then it is easier to request something taboo. To ask to be humiliated or degragated, because it removes the focus from you as an individual. Instead you become a toy, or play thing. An object. So, Julie was able to become property, a thing to be used and played with. A slave with no other purpose than to provide pleasure to her Master.

Now

Of course things were fresh and new right then. We didn’t live together and so our focus when we were alone in a private place was each other. There was a point sometime during 2017 that preparations began for Julie to move in with Master. We began work on decluttering and preparing the house to be sold. Then after the move in 2018 there was a period of settling in and then breast cancer. All of this caused things to change, just a little.

As I’ve said before, this girl is still present in the bedroom. It feels easy these days to slip into the role of slave for those moments. But that’s where the problem lies. Although this girl is still present within Julie, she doesn’t appear often enough. Submission often feels a little further away than it used to and I (deliberate use of this pronoun) don’t know how to get her back. Do I want to? Yes, I do. Being this girl makes me feel safe (not to say that I’m not). She is a big part of my life and I love the feeling she gives me. But these things have to be worked at and it will take two of us to do so. I have the feeling we ought to give it a go.

There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, it just feels different. This was always going to happen because life happens. But maybe it’s time to rethink this Master / slave relationship. This slave needs it.

Girl

At what age do we leave our girlhood behind and instead become a woman. Adulthood for me was technically reached at 18, but in many ways I was still a girl. I hadn’t yet had sex, didn’t have many responsibilities and hadn’t yet voted in a general election. Emotionally I hadn’t fully developed and did so over the next 2 or 3 years. Older family members were used to 21 being the age when you were considered of age. I received many cards on my 21st birthday with keys on them. I was still 21 when I married my ex and took on a mortgage, a responsible job (qualified nurse) and all of the baggage that comes with it. During my 20’s I still considered myself a girl in many ways and then I became a parent and was definitely a woman.

Fast forward to 2014 and I met a man who insisted and still insists on calling me a girl. His girl. He also had me calling myself ‘this girl’.

When I started my blog in 2012, I referred to myself as Joolz and called the blog world of Joolz. S invariably called me Joolz and actually that had been something of a nickname during my teenage years. But Master felt Joolz was someone I had been. Now I was to be ‘this girl’.

Some quotes from my blog

New Dom would like me to refer to myself in the third person when i am in submissive role. He feels it will help me to explore my submission more and to hand more of myself to him (or something like that). At the same time i will call him Sir or Master, or as a further suggestion Lord. I nearly fell off my chair at that one and he wondered if i was being a little bratty! i expect i was, but i think that this girl will call Him Sir or Master rather than Lord!

15 Feb 2014

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.
Who was she?
This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.
He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

6 May 2014

If anyone had told me 9 months ago that I would again be anyone’s girl I would have laughed in their faces. Me, a 50 something year old woman, someone’s girl?
But now, not only do I like being His girl, but I love the fact that is what He calls me all of the time. What is more, I love to be in a place where where we are anonymous and where I can call Him Master, even in a public place.
The power and control He has over me, His girl is often subtle. So much so, that no one else can tell it is there. But right now, it is ever present, even as now from a thousand miles away.

28 October 2014
Reflections on being ‘this girl’

I know that many Dominant’s use the term girl to refer to their submissive. It has nothing to do with age play but does relate to the power dynamic.

Over the years, I have not only got used to being His girl but embrace it. When Master tells me to call myself ‘this girl’, he is reminding me of who and what I am. Sometimes I need that reminder.

This girl returns

A reconnection has occured between Master and this girl. It isn’t exactly that we were disconnected in any particular way. But there hasn’t been much time to just be us and to discuss our relationship. We came together as Master and slave almost 4 years ago (Dominant and submissive before that for 3 months). Our lives are busy and we still don’t live together and yesterday we discussed the effect that has on us. We also spoke the words that needed saying. That we no longer wish to be apart.

There are things to be done to enable Master and this girl to live together all of the time. He has some work to do on the house so that there is room for my things. She has to sell her half of her house to the partner of her ex, or else sell the house to someone else. Last year was meant to be the year when we moved in together, but time slipped away and it hasn’t happened yet.

This girl had spent Friday night at her mum’s. Her new home is 2 hours away and so visiting every couple of weeks and staying over night is the best option. Arriving home at 1ish, this girl prepared some lunch and we drank wine with it. Then since we both felt a little weary we cuddled on the bed and slept a while. Before and after the sleep, he stroked and caressed his property. Master expressed his frustrations about the time we spend apart and this girl agreed.

Later after dinner, more wine and a visit to the pub and more wine we retired back to bed. For some reason (perhaps it was the excess of alcohol) this girl felt both horny and submissive. She felt both of these in a way she hasn’t in quite some time. This led to orgasms, too many to count and since they haven’t been drawn on her body there is no real way of knowing. However there were many. Orgasms through penetration, through his fingers and also his power alone. Strong orgasms that brought on a wonderful nights sleep, nestled in the body of her Master.

This morning brought more sex and also discussion and agreement. Final details need discussion but. This girl is definitely back in the relationship. She was never completely gone, but she was hidden. The dynamic needs refreshing every now and then, it requires effort, so it is in plain sight. He wants a house slave and that means she must live with him. Perhaps living in one house for a few days together then swopping over will work for a few months. More time spent naked, more time worshipping her Master, more time calling Him Master and referring to herself as this girl. Hence this post.

Time also for the tattoo. A butterfly at the base of her spine. That is the next step. He wants to buy a new collar and an ankle cuff. A change from the existing collar and reaffirmation of the relationship. Of his ownership and her slave hood. More to come on this matter.

What’s my name?

5 years ago, when I embarked upon this journey, one involving illicit sex with a bit of kink thrown in. I called myself Joolz on the various websites and on my new blog. The people I met at that time either didn’t know my real name or chose not to use it. To them I was Joolz.

But when Master and I met, 3 and a half years ago now. He saw me as someone else. To him Joolz was someone who was a bit scary, who had been struggling to find her true self. Joolz was someone in transition from Julie to……….. But who.

He wanted me to refer to myself as ‘this girl’. As far as he was concerned, my journey as a submissive needed to include some introspection about what and who I was. By removing the need to think of myself in the first person or as Julie the mother or daughter, the submissive inside would feel more real. At the same time he was of the opinion that Joolz was someone who had belonged to another, someone who had rejected me. By letting go of Joolz, I let go of that part of my past. Gave myself fully to him. Allowed myself to be absorbed into his ownership, to become his property.

Gradually over time this girl has become girl. He called and does call me girl. At times he has admitted that he has struggled to remember that I am also Julie. A 55 year old girl? Yes, but not any girl. His girl, his submissive and his slave. I do still refer to myself as ‘this girl’ but mainly during sex or play. The rest of the time I just know who and what I am, even when people call me Julie. I know I am His girl.

Blogging A-Z Challenge: G & I

G is for Girl

This girl’s given name is girl. Just 2 weeks after Master and I met, I wrote this post. At that time I was sceptical that referring to myself in the third person was something I could get used to. Let alone that doing so would have an influence on my submission. But I was a novice back then, not that I knew it since I thought I knew everything about D/s. The learning curve was steep but I was an eager student.

In those early days, to get used to referring to myself as ‘this girl’ I began to write my posts in the third person. It is only recently that I have reverted, though in many ways prefer writing as this girl. When we have sex, or when we are playing I don’t just refer to myself as this girl, I am she. It is my name, my identity, my slave persona. The rest of the time it is an undercurrent to my life. Master rarely uses my real name, and has admitted that sometimes he has to think about what it is. I usually call him Master, since that is who he is to me. Unless I am speaking to someone else about him, and even then I have sometimes let slip.

Illeism – the act of referring to oneself in the third person

Much more common in literature than in real life, illeism is I think an interesting concept. It distances you from your own individual self and places you in  secondary place to the other. In a power exchange relationship, being required to refer to myself in that way makes me consider each sentence I utter. It makes me think about my place as his slave, my role and function.

Of course, I don’t go around speaking in the third person all the time, for example at work or with family. That would be considered a bit on the weird side. Nor do I do so all of the time Master and I are together. But there are times when I would never refer to myself as I with him. We both know when they are and that is a rule I tend not to break.

 

365 Questions – Day 37; Torture

If you could do today over, would you change anything? 

 
Maybe I wouldn’t wake up at 4am having a night sweat – the misery of the menopause – then I wouldn’t have struggled to get out of bed this morning. On the other hand, maybe I would change the day from one that I had to work, to one where I was tortured like this………
 
 
 
 

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said “one and a half”, but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn’t really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn’t there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called “The world of Joolz”. Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don’t feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.

This girl

New Dom would like me to refer to myself in the third person when i am in submissive role. He feels it will help me to explore my submission more and to hand more of myself to him (or something like that). At the same time i will call him Sir or Master, or as a further suggestion Lord. I nearly fell off my chair at that one and he wondered if i was being a little bratty! i expect i was, but i think that this girl will call Him Sir or Master rather than Lord!

If there is one thing that i know, it is that it will take me a while to get used to referring to myself in a whole new way. i know there are others on who do so as a matter of course, but for me this is new. But as ever i am up for a challenge and so i will be doing that today when he and i are together. Then when i right about it tomorrow i will give the whole third person a whirl here.

We are planning a longer time together this afternoon and evening and dinner will be involved, maybe i won’t emerge again until tomorrow, who knows. I am expecting some new things today, but i don’t know what he is planning and like the slight edge of the unknown anyway.

He has also decided to read my blog, to find out more about me, he says. i have nothing to hide, so i am happy for him to do that.  He says that what he has read so far is interesting!

The main complication to all this is his lady who is far away. She is anxious about the relationship He and i are developing, but i am hoping to chat to her today. I have no wish to get between them and would walk away if i had to. I think though that this is something he needs and to be selfish here, so do i right now. He and i have a connection, one that i didn’t expect. But i am not letting emotions get in the way too much, since i have been hurt before. Therefore this girl will take every day as it comes and enjoy what she can. You can’t do more than that can you?

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