I often worry that I am just not slave material. That I am too wilful and yes, unruly. You see I am just not like the slaves you read about in BDSM fiction. You know the ones, compliant and respectful. They spend their lives kneeling or else serving their Master in other subservient ways, their eyes downcast, demeanour calm.
Of course, Master never asked me to behave that way, so I guess I am not really breaking any rules there. But I am better at breaking the rules I have than sticking to them. I am better at grumbling than just saying ‘yes Master’.
The trouble for me is that real life gets in the way of any fantasy I have about slave behaviour. Plus my head struggles to empty when my mind could do with focusing on his cock for example. Instead it is full of appointments, my mother and whether this would make a good blog post.
Master’s favourite name for me, after ‘this girl’ or MPB is unruly. He is right, I am. I have always argued with authority, challenged it and fought it. My natural instinct with Master is no different. The question is: does it matter?
We have had a set of rules for a long time, we agreed them in 2014. They were applicable at the time and a number still are today. To begin with I was conscientious and followed them, even if Master wasn’t present. But there were no consequences as such if they weren’t followed. Gradually over time and also circumstances, they slipped by the wayside. Punishment has never been a thing for us and certainly spanking or impact play, is reserved for play.
For a while now we have talked about reviewing and reaffirming the rules from 2014 and that is what we are in the process of doing. These will be much more about overall and guiding principles of our Master / slave relationship than specific actions. Though there are one or two of those. They are designed to make me think much more about the things I do and say, day to day. But I think the key issue we need to address is whether there will be consequences.
Master calls me unruly and sometimes I know I am. Perhaps now is the time for me to be a little less so.
This girl has been wondering about rules, about whether she already has any and whether she needs any more (if she has them in the first place).
Why don’t you know if you have any? You may well ask (and probably are asking). Well it kind of isn’t like that. No rules as such are imposed. But over the past 3 months (yes it was 3 months yesterday since Sir and this girl met in person for the first time), subtle changes have taken place. Sir has exerted his Dominance over this girl and she has complied with his wishes (sometimes more readily than at other times).
Firstly there was the ownership of orgasms – this girl firstly should ask to be granted an orgasm and then she must tell Him that it belongs to Him, even if He is not present. Generally this girl needs few orgasms if he is not around, but if she does she complies with this rule. Of course in His presence, she asks if in a position to do so (i.e. able to speak) and likewise gives it to Him.
Next there was the whole third person thing. This girl thought perhaps He had done a little mad when He made this request. He said He felt it would help with this girl’s submission. She thought that unlikely and anyway couldn’t imagine doing it. Now, she writes this way most of the time, increasingly does when they are together and amazingly has started to think in that way A LOT of the time.
Then there is how this girl should refer to Him. Standard stuff – the Sir thing. Is this a rule? Not really, but this girl is increasingly comfortable with it. There are times increasingly when He is Master. He sees himself as this girl’s owner and so is her Master. Sometimes also He likes to be referred to as Lord. This girl can never quite tell if he is joking or not, but is not about to start calling Him Lord when they are out and about. Sir, on the other hand will happen pretty soon.
There are issues of behaviour. Of this girl remembering her place and role when she and Sir are out together. There are still signs of Julie coming through – of trying to take the lead. But fewer. This girl is much more comfortable with this, so much so that at times she likes him to order for her completely. She is less worried at knowing exactly what they will be doing and where they will be going. She trusts Him and wants Him to take control much much more in this way (please).
Lastly (i think), there is hair. He requested that this girl doesn’t completely shave, but leaves a small ‘bush’ for Him to play with and wipe himself on (though He hasn’t done the latter yet). This girl has happily complied and the hair is starting to return nicely to the area that He marked out.
No this girl doesn’t have or need rules……does she?