Relationships

How apt to reach this stage right now. My relationships feature prominently on this blog and have since the beginning. A thread from the beginning was my relationship with my then husband. Over a long period of time I sought to work out how I felt about him and how to manage the fallout from my decisions. Yesterday that period of my life drew to a close. I am divorced.

Feelings about the divorce

I waited a long time for this day and feel somewhat relieved. True to form I left starting proceedings until I was sure he was ready. But of course, it was also about me. I have also taken the promises we made to each other seriously. But to be frank he really didn’t. Yes, he loved and cared for me, but there was little honour from the beginning. His lies and deceit occurred early on. I don’t regret waiting to divorce and am now free to commit myself to Master.

Our relationship

My blog traces my relationship with Master from the beginning. I mention him first on the day we met. We’d been chatting online for a few days and meeting up seemed natural. There was something there between us from that day and I have no regrets that I took that path. We’ve wondered if we might have met sooner and then could have been together for longer. But I’m not sure that would have worked. I have changed over the years and am more receptive to the type of life we have together than I might have been at say 30.

Family relationships

When I started the blog my son was 21 and away on a year abroad in the US. Having been close during his childhood things became rocky when he realised my relationship with his dad was failing. Especially when Master came on the scene. With S, I’d been secretive and (to my knowledge) he doesn’t know about that. With Master though I was open. My husband was by then spending long periods of time away from us, a visitor rather than someone who lived at home. But another man in the house was more than my son could tolerate.

Thankfully he and I have talked this through and are now close again. It was my son who told me a couple of years ago I should be getting divorced. I was amused that he seemed to have taken a parent type view of it so soon. Anyway, I am divorced and my son is happy if I decide to marry.

Back in 2014 my dad, who’d had cancer for a couple of years, died. I’ve used the blog to explore my feelings around death and dying as well as the challenges of managing my mum in the aftermath.

Blogging / community relationships

It is debatable whether this is a good place to write about relationships with other bloggers as I have done recently. But it is in my nature to do so. This is my place to write and I tend to write about what is on my mind. Often that is about my sexual or kink related feelings, but sometimes not. It’s difficult to feel sexy when you are surrounded by anger and hurt. My words have upset people and I’ve lost people I thought were friends.

But many of the people I’ve come to admire and to like in the sex blogging community aren’t really known to me. We can all discard people we have never or barely met in person. However some of the people who are part of this community are people I have met and know well. I feel a sense of loyalty to those people and don’t have to justify why I trust them. However I do hope bridges can be rebuilt in the future. If they are, I’ll be sure to write about it here.

Mind and body

A two pin plug and socket. The word body at the top and the word mind beneath

During the course of this relationship I and we have had some amazing times. It is definitely the case that I have had more sex during the past 5 years than I had during the previous 30. But we have had some lean periods during that time, when my, his or our mind and body don’t work together. Sometimes the body is willing and able but for emotional or psychological reasons sex doesn’t happen. More frequently though, the problem has been physical.

Emotional and psychological health

We are in the fortunate position that we live together and neither of us are working. This wasn’t always the case and certainly until last summer tiredness was a major factor for me. I had spent a couple of years juggling a demanding job, preparing to move and care for my widowed mum. On top of that were the not to be underestimated effects of the menopause. Feeling exhausted doesn’t necessarily mean sleep comes easily and even if you fall asleep hot flashes and night sweats make you wake again. Additionally, anxiety about the end of my marriage and decisions about the house often caused me to lie awake at night.

Master tends not to be troubled by an inability to sleep. Though from time to time he struggles to get enough sleep, he certainly needs far more of it than me.

Tiredness has interfered with my sexual appetite and for a long time I felt I could take or leave sex. Luckily, Master often wanted to take it and has some ingenious ways of getting me in the mood. Being his slave means that I rarely say no to him, even if I don’t feel much like it. Not because I can’t refuse him, but because I have made a commitment with him which I want to honour. In the past I might have said no and turned over. But now I wait to see how my body responds first. Often, I start to become aroused even if my brain is saying no and when that happens, who am I to deny my body?

Physical health

There is no doubt that physical health problems have got in the way of our ability to enjoy an active sex and kinky life. The first issue we encountered was Master’s frozen shoulder. This made it difficult for him to find a comfortable position on top of me . It also made impact play painful for him. We had to adapt our favoured positions, which led to the purchase of the swing. But really it wasn’t until he recovered that things returned to normal.

A physical effect of the menopause was pain during PIV sex. Luckily this didn’t coincide with the frozen shoulder, when I was often on top. There were times when my vagina would go into spasm as soon as his cock came anywhere near me. This caused pain and a lot of upset. I am so luck that Master is a patient man, who happens to love touching me with his fingers and mouth. Also of course there is plenty I can do with my mouth too. Thankfully those, I think menopause related issues have disappeared and sex is pain free.

Strangely my mastectomy and subsequent treatment have had limited effect on us. Within a couple of weeks of the operation we were able to have sex again, though he was scared of causing me pain. For me, position was an issue and I couldn’t lie on my right side of lean on my right arm. These have mostly resolved, though I still can’t lie on my right side for any length of time.

Our ability to play has probably been affected, partly because we haven’t wanted to go to events while treatment was ongoing. But also because I have been very tired over the past months. Daily trips to the hospital and lack of sunlight over the winter months have affected him too.

Ageing

We intend to grow older together and we now know some of the things we might encounter. His ability to ejaculate frequently is already something that happens. I can come many many times for his once and so we make that one time meaningful. Our bodies take time to recover from exercise and activity. We don’t always have the energy that we think we should.

But recognising the effect of mind and body over our ability to have a fulfilling sex life and relationship bode well for the future. We’ll certainly keep going in whatever way we can for as long as we can.

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her ‘big sister’/ ‘surrogate mum’, since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th – a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn’t and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both – me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don’t respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn’t include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn’t mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn’t going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to – I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that – to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day – to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven’t necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don’t really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly – what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can’t even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don’t yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don’t control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don’t really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.