Alone time

This week’s Food for thought Friday is about making time for yourself. I am fortunate that I am able to grab some alone time most weeks. It helps that the person I live with absolutely needs time to himself, just as I do.

How often do you make time for yourself?

This depends on what we have going on in a given week. Now I am not working I am able to spend more time doing all the things I love. But there is always a danger that you try to cram too much in. This must be why retired people exclaim that they don’t know how they found time to go to work.

Master and I do most things together. We shop, cook and watch films, go out to concerts and to the cinema. We travel to lovely places, wander through and around churches and galleries. One of the reasons I stopped working as soon as I could was so that I wasn’t constantly running out of annual leave or using up entire precious weekends.

So when we have a quieter week we both take advantage. Master tends to go into his study and until now I would be on the sofa with my lap top, or else reading. But I’ve decided to return to some form of work as well as to step up my blogging pursuits. So last week we went to Ikea and bought a desk and chair for me. We have installed this in a spare bedroom. Next we plan to put in some serious shelving so that my books, which are currently residing in the garage can come into the house.

What do you do to gain the most benefit from your “you time”?

For me (and also for him I think), it is about head space. When you are constantly in the company of others there is no time to just get into your own head. To think. We both also like silence sometimes and when we listen to music we have different tastes. So spending time apart is good.

Sometimes I will go for a walk during ‘my time’. This allows me to get some fresh air and exercise while also taking time to think and reflect.

The time we spend apart enables us to have stuff to talk about when we are together. It also means that we are both mentally refreshed for whatever activity we are planning.

How do you balance the time you devote to yourself and to others? Which do you prioritise? Why?

There was a time when everyone else in my life came first. My husband and son, work, parents. Gradually over the past few years this has changed. Leaving my house in the hands of my ex and his new partner signified a change for me. Then leaving work and of course having surgery last autumn forced changes upon me. I had no choice but to prioritise me and us.

My mum now lives 2 hours away. This means visits are planned and I tend to stay over night with her and travel back the next day. My son was married at Christmas and he and his wife live in the town I moved from. This is about 40 minutes away, so again our time together is more planned than it used to be.

There is a calmness to my life that wasn’t there before. At last there is balance. But I think I deserve the life, and the alone time I get to have for now.

What is necessary?

In the first few days after I moved my blog to this new place I made a few schoolboy errors.  One of these was to accidentally delete all categories and tags I had dragged through. I guess that I could have resent all of the posts, but I decided not to. In all honesty I underestimated the sheer volume of work involved in reviewing nearly 5 years of posts. It was with enthusiasm that I embarked on the task, after all this is about my journey. But I reckoned without the emotional journey that it would send me upon.

I started by working back, but unfortunately during January and February I was experiencing a quiet blogging period. Except of course for February Photofest. So I tried going back to the beginning and in doing so, discovered a forgotten past. Indeed it was a past where, in an attempt to discover the submission I needed I allowed emotion to overtake good sense. As the weeks and months went on, back in 2012 I immersed myself into an alternative reality. One where I struggled with my marriage, while embarking on a relationship with a man who wasn’t what he seemed.

Frustration made me return to the end and work backwards. So far I have reached page 28 or 39, just before I met Master, a journey of 3 years. Journeying through times of love, travel and kink. Through the awful period when my dad was ill and subsequently died. Through too difficult experiences with my mum, her moods, illnesses and our relationship.

All that time my marriage has been drawing to its natural conclusion, a time much more protracted than should be the case. The number of times where I plan to tell him to get lost and that the house will be sold are too numerous to mention.

I have a plan to progress at speed. to label anything involving previous relationships as such. Some of that stuff I may never revisit again.

But just maybe this process has been useful, necessary. Perhaps it has helped me to see just how far I have travelled and how close I am to my goal.

Perhaps this was a necessary task.

I have a few days off. I am spending that time finishing off the decluttering and general preparation for the sale.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Looking back, looking forward

On 24th January I wrote this:

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.


At the time, my relationship with Steve had finally ended. Even though i thought i was confused about what i wanted, perhaps deep down i knew. 

A day or two later, i first encountered Master online and 8 days later we met for the first time.

Earlier this week, Master and i were chatting about this blog. It was worrying me that perhaps i have less to say these days. i was worried that perhaps that might be a problem. Ok, so there have been concerns about the poly dynamic recently, but to be frank without making this into place where i just moan there is little point in spending my life either worrying or writing about that issue. Anyway this is my blog, and so giving space to my issues with her wouldn’t help me, let alone anyone else. Unless of course it is to discuss the effect that has on my life, His life, or our life. 

He suggested that over the past few weeks, there has been a change in the way i am coping with life in general. That i am calmer, more measured in my approach to problems. Until He mentioned that, i hadn’t really considered that to be the case. But yes it is true. He suggested i look back to the beginning of this year to see how i was then. It was while reading those posts that i came upon the excerpt above. 

The things i knew about my submissive self at the time were undeveloped. But i knew what i wanted and needed. What i have learnt since then has made me essentially into a difficult individual. I now instinctively know i am submissive. I am not afraid any longer to admit that. What is more, i know that i not only do i need to give up control of my life, that it is only by being able to do so for the right Man, that i understand what it means to be submissive.

Last weekend, when lying in bed with Master, i felt my submission was such that i was completely in His control. I felt like my limbs were tied, even though they were free. I was barely able to speak, even though no one had gagged me in anyway. What is more, i felt completely calm, happy and at ease. That is what submission has given me. It is less than 6 months since i wrote the post above, but it seems i have found what i was looking for then.


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