Let’s get this show back on the road

May turned into my leanest month for blogging since July last year. My excuse then was that I was on holiday, often without wifi. This year, things are different. I have wifi, I have moved blogging hosts and my blog isn’t constantly down. But what I don’t really have is inspiration. Nor do I have a great deal of libido for writing anything particularly sexy. But I’m going to try to use Every Damn Day in June to get this show back on some kind of road.

I think this is the third year Hy from A dissolute life Means has costed Every Damn Day in June. I can’t promise to publish every day, but I am going to try. To at lease sit down and write something. It might not be especially sexy, but then it might be. You’ll just have to watch this space and see.

Monday 1st June

This is meant to be my 7th shift as an NHS clinical contact tracer. So far I’ve managed to get as far as to log on. But I’ve spoken to no Covid cases nor their contacts. I have no way of knowing how many people have work to do. I can see lots of people (fellow clinical tracers) online. Maybe there just isn’t enough work to go around. Or maybe the system isn’t working properly. I’d contact someone, but other than tech support I’ve not been provided with any contact details. The tech support is overwhelmed – earlier when I wanted advice on how to get my headphones to work with the system the queue was long. It hardly moved for 2 hours, then I accidentally clicked away. It’s frustrating.

No matter what you think of the way this has (is being) set up, there is no doubt it is the way out of lockdown. I really want to do something to help. Heaven knows I have little else to occupy me. We should be heading to Spain this week for a touring holiday via Seville then onto France. My apartment sits empty and unloved. And, I’m stuck here waiting.

We’ve been going out less often. It’s strange really. At the start I went out most days, just to be outside of the confines of the house. I walked around town and looked at the closed shops, the people queuing for the few that were open. I looked in wonderment at the ‘temporary closure’ signs. 10 weeks later temporary has a whole new meaning. We’ve started doing fewer, bigger grocery shops, rotating the supermarket for variety. When I can I visit the butcher for different, better quality meat. Occasionally we get a takeaway, but mainly we rotate dishes and hunt for new recipes to vary the taste.

Plus, two weekends in a row we’ve driven half an hour or so to get a change of scenery and walk. Thankfully the weather has been fantastic, so we have been able to picnic and also to have a little fun (see yesterday’s Sinful Sunday). So, all is not lost.

In fact all is good really. We are together, we are safe and well and we can go out. We aren’t mixing with others (other than my mum). I miss my son, but know he is fine and that I can hopefully see him soon. So, it really is time to get back to blogging. I hope others will join me and Hy for Every Damn Day in June.

It’s Halloween

The current Kink Of The Week prompt is witches (plus otherworldly creatures) especially timed for halloween. I had started to write a witch themed post about the All Souls Trilogy, which I have recently read (and loved). But the very arrival of halloween has reminded me that this is one ‘holiday’ or ritual I detest. So, I feel compelled to rant about halloween and leave the book review for another day.

I don’t think I have ever dressed up for halloween, nor been to a halloween party. If I ever did it would probably be as a witch. Though, having said that I’m pretty sure I never will. You see I just don’t get the point. I love a party and have even worn fancy dress on a few occasions but never on or around 31st October. All Hallows Eve doesn’t seem worth celebrating and certainly not going outside on a cold and wet evening for. Even if chocolate is involved!

The origins of Halloween

Samhain was the Celtic celebration to celebrate the harvest and welcome the darker part of the year. On that night the barrier between spirit and human worlds thinned and spirits and fairies could be seen. Bonfires were lit, people dressed up and offerings were made to the gods. Places were set at tables so the souls of the dead could be welcomed home.

31st October, 1st and 2nd November are important dates in the calendars of many countries. Some on a more spiritual level than others. This includes visiting cemeteries on All Souls Day to bring flowers, clean graves etc. They too will often have partied the night before, wearing costumes. But each to his own.

Trick or Treat

As far as I was aware this was very much an American custom and one which definitely needs to be restricted to children under the guidance of adults. This is one time I have relented and hosted a small children’s party when my son was young. Two cousins a neighbour and my son dressed as ghosts, skeletons and witches was fun. The neighbours happily filled their bags with treats. Other times I have gladly bought and given out sweets and chocolate, then eaten what’s left.

But that’s where my line is drawn; teenagers with thoughts of mischief can keep away, no matter how well dressed they are. Adults in this country of course are more likely to be seen in a local pub dressed in a questionable costume and covered in fake blood.

It turns out that from the Middle Ages until the 1930s there was a kind of treating known as ‘souling’. Groups of soulers – catholic and protestant – went around silently begging for cakes in return for prayers for loved ones. This kind of practice took place in other parts of Europe too, so maybe trick or treating originates this side of the Atlantic.

Things that irritate include:
  • Scary films have to be released on Halloween – why?
  • The shops are now full of costumes, pots to put treats in, decorations, specially designed treats and other ways to make them rich and us poor.
  • A high level of plastic is involved when we are cutting down. Though I guess you can reuse some of it.
  • Costumes often seem tenuously related to halloween. Some people think it’s ok to just put white makeup on their faces and say they are a ghost or spook. Give me a well dressed witch with stripy stockings, hat and big nose any day.
  • People changing their social media names to include something halloween related (apologies if this is you).
  • Halloween is the gateway to Christmas in the UK. By tomorrow the shops will be putting up trees and playing ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’

So in conclusion. I’m not a lover of Halloween, I haven’t decorated my house with bats and cobwebs, I’m not dressing up and I am not expecting to welcome trick or treaters.

I love a good scary book or one about witches and vampires. I love a scary film and like fancy dress parties. But these things can be done any time, not just at halloween.

Last year’s post, where I said something similar in fewer words is here

Then and now

So many people have commented and indeed congratulated me on my strength. It is true that I have surprised even myself on how I have coped. Much of it is to do with my personality, the no fuss and drama me (though I can create both when provoked). Also because I like to have information before panicking and try to be optimistic in these matters. But make no mistake having breast cancer was the worst and scariest thing I have ever had to face. Losing one of my lovely breasts has been terrible, I morn it every day. In this post I will try to explain my then and now. There is no need to be sorry about any of this, I don’t need sympathy, just the chance to tell.

Then

Until pregnancy I was quite small busted, but while pregnant they grew and never went down. I always had a good cleavage and many people, men and women have admired it. High necked clothes don’t suit me, my face and neck look too fat in them. I prefer a lower cut dress or top. My bras were all plunging, not padded as they made me look bigger than I wanted, but underwired for support. Not that I was sagging especially; I was told I had great tits for my age (former relationship) and great tits full stop (this one). To me, with my expanding middle and puckered hips, my tits were my best asset.

Then

Once I gained confidence with my blog and began posting pictures of myself, they were often of my breasts. My pierced nipples, me bulging out of a leather waistcoat or wearing a leather harness. Master called them my jugs and played with them a lot. My nipples, especially the right were very sensitive and I have had nipple orgasms more than once. To me my breasts were my best asset and I am fucking angry and mightily sad that I now only have one.

Now

The skin around the wound is soft and smooth, but the scar line itself is kind of puckered with little folds. The area under my arm remains numb and puffy. No one can tell me if and when it will recover. I touch the wound area quite a lot. During the day the area under my bra gets hot and itchy and sometimes I can’t help but rub it. Obviously not out in public but in the comfort of my living room. Lying in bed too, I stroke it. You see, most of the time I can’t really tell I don’t have a boob there and of course neither can anyone else.

I have a silicone prosthesis that fits inside my bra, it looks (and feels according to master) pretty realistic. But you can’t wear this kind of thing with a skimpy bra with a plunging cleavage. This means that I have bought several new bras, but not thrown any of the 15 or more old ones I have away. However I may soon move them into a box under the bed for the future (see below).

Master still loves to play with the breast and nipple on the left side. He strokes and nibbles, pulls and pinches. He also strokes the place where my right one used to be. But it isn’t the same. Even when I am aroused by what he is doing, I am thinking of what I have lost. His fingers on my wound area and surroundings are pleasant, but there is no sexual arousal from it. Instead he concentrates on the left and my other erogenous zones.

Now

The biggest challenge for me now though is looking at other people’s tits. While I still love to look at everyone’s Sunday and other day blog and twitter posts. I can’t help but feel a twinge when I see a lovely pair of tits staring out at me. Likewise looking at old photos of myself makes me happy that I have so many, but sad that there will be no more like them. I also find myself looking for signs of the cancer within, of course there was never any sign.

Future

I know these feelings will pass. It has, after all only been 3 months since the operation and my treatment won’t be completed until the end of this month.

In the future I hope to have a breast reconstruction. To be able to show two breasts to myself, to Master and this little area of the world would be wonderful. I know any reconstructed breast won’t be the same. It is likely that the surgeon will have to reduce the size of the left one, so I would be smaller than before. But I know it is what I want. To be able to wear any bra, or to be able to go braless. Summer days with no bra, that has to be something to aim for.

Before that, well I will try to be as body positive as I can. But don’t imagine that this has been easy or that it ever will be again. I loved my boobs and I will have to learn to love having one again.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Journey’s end?

This journey

Yesterday I had some time to sit and think about my blog. About the journey I began over 6 years ago when I started writing. I pondered whether that path had reached its conclusion. At the beginning I had no idea where I was going, if anywhere. All I knew was that I needed something different in my life. Something more than I had then. I understood this was to be a journey and thought I would know when I had arrived.

The two relationships that were in place back then are history. Extracting myself from my marriage of 30+ years has proved harder than I imagined. That journey has been painful and emotionally draining. But he is now happily living in what was our home with his (not so) new partner. Recently I attended his mum’s funeral and saw them together. It was clear that they have a strong relationship, something he denied to me for a long time.

Last night I mentioned to Master that I wasn’t sure about continuing this blog, because my journey is complete. But is that true? For him, my moving in to his home as his 24/7 slave has greater meaning than I understood.

Being his Slave

Over the past few months I had almost forgotten about that element of our relationship. Of course, I wear my collar and cuff and my piercings are a constant physical reminder. Our sex life is always a reminder of the M/s nature of our relationship. But during the busy and very hot days of June and July we didn’t have loads of sex. Preparations to move meant we spent lots of time at my place, but we were busy and everything we did was about working towards the move.

The first week or two were a period of adjustment but gradually we are settling into something of a routine. Only now though am I able to see the subtle changes that are coming to be. Even as I considered whether I wanted to write my blog any more, even as I uttered the words about the journey, I knew.

Over the past couple of years being Master’s slave has in the main been about what we do in the bedroom or play room. Not about our every day life. I am, as he often tells me an unruly slave. Rebellious, open with my thoughts and feelings, often pushing back against any attempt to control me. That’s easy when you have your own home and don’t live together. Also when you are financially secure and don’t need to rely on another.

Now though things will be different and what I have discovered is that he is excited by this. He loves the fact I am here with him, he wants to have more control over me. Also that I will be more financially dependent on him (though I have my own money and may yet get another job). He enjoys taking care of me, cooking and so forth. I also want to take care of him, and find my submissive self reawakening.

We had some very hot sex last night and again this morning. It is often during those moments of heightened arousal and passion that the truth is spoken. I clearly saw in myself, particularly last night a need I had forgotten existed. Over the coming weeks I fully expect to need to articulate this much more. What better place to do so than here on my blog.

The end of the journey? I don’t think so.

What I know now

It is the 50th Food 4 Thought Friday, which is a major accomplishment. I am in awe of all within this blogging community that run memes. There is an extraordinary amount of work. So well done and thank you. Having said that, I usually struggle to participate in everything. But since I am trying to post every day in June, and I am on holiday, with wifi, here goes.

What I know now

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Probably that at the age of 55 I have sex at all. I was so naive back then and uneducated about sex. I never envisaged people as old as I am now even had sex.

What one thing might shock that younger you?

The extent to which I enjoy sex. That being with the right partner is the key to enjoyment and that we are meant to enjoy sex (not sure if that is one answer or 3).

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I have probably surpassed them. Having bought the Joy of Sex shortly after my marriage when I was about 22, we spent some time trying out various sexual positions.  I wish I still had a copy to check out if I have had sex in all of them. It felt slightly naughty and a bit hippy at the time. I’m not sure if anal was even in there, but if it was then I’ve done that too.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

Probably the ability to work all day, party all evening and still have sex at the end of the night. Because we had so much energy then. I have a hunch that Master and I would have been proper party animals if we had known each other. Because as I said at the beginning, compatibility is the key.

#SoSS: What’s to see?

Today’s post for ‘Every damn day in June’ is also a SoSS: What’s to see on the kinky web?

Work was so busy before I came away on holiday, that I had limited time to read and also write. I’ve struggled to look at all of the Sinful Sunday’s for last week and haven’t read most of the Wicked Wednesday posts. But I have read anything that has popped into my email inbox or twitter time line. So I am not entirely behind.

I have never participated in Hyacinth’s Boob day and must get round to it some time. I usually take a peek though and was drawn to Modesty’s offering. She manages to get into some great places for both Boob day and Sinful Sunday and this is no exception.

As most people know, Marie is one of the most active bloggers in our little community. Not only does she run Wicked Wednesday and the Smut Marathon but she also contributes to Masturbation Monday and Wicked Wednesday. This week she has posted a round up of all of the 12 word stories she has posted in May. For those that  don’t know about Story in 12, it is a Twitter based meme inviting readers to write a story in 12 words using a different prompt each day.  Started by Molly and Wriggly Kitty it has taken off really quickly and is great fun.

I met Posy Churchgate at Eroticon and we managed to have a chat, though not for as long as I would have liked as she was only there for the one day. Her post about being BDSM curious has resulted in much discussion. I came from a similar point to her, being curious and not knowing how to get my partner interested. For me though, there was no possibility of venturing into D/s or other aspects of BDSM with him. Instead I went out on my own and finally met the man I call Master. I admire the thoughtful way she is approaching this journey and the clarity she has about the importance of her long term relationship.

Finally for this post, May More has migrated her diaries from 1997. This will give us an insight to May before May Matters. I really do envy May this archive and also a life that was way more interesting than mine. I have read the first couple of posts but will be returning for much more. May was at Eroticon too, and we managed a longer chat. Trouble was it was in the pub at the social and wine was involved. Fingers crossed I get to meet up with both May and Posy again in the future.

 

Blogging A-Z 2018: Y and Z

So, I limp to the finish line with my final offering for the April Blogging A-Z for 2018. It seemed like a great idea to write about random topics . But this has led me to spend far too much time navel gazing and being unfocussed. I’ll bear that in mind next year, since it is rather fun to do the challenge.

Y is for you

You the people who visit my blog and comment. You, Master who reads every word I write. You the people whose blogs I visit and comment on.  You, the people who run and manage the memes I participate in. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am enjoying writing again after a year when I could have easily stopped.  This year, I intend to continue writing in May and beyond, unlike last year. I feel that I am part of a community of bloggers and writers who in the main are friendly and encouraging. But there is drama from time to time and I plan, where possible to avoid that.

Z is for Zabaglione and Zealous

Z is the 26th and final letter in the alphabet. There aren’t masses of words beginning with Z, which is one of the reasons this post wasn’t ready to go this morning and I am writing it now. But there are some interesting words for example – Zabaglione  – a lovely Italian desert. There was a restaurant nearby when I was a student that served it. Whisked egg white and some kind of alcohol mainly. I chose zabaglione for desert in Sicily and it turned up as an ice-cream. While nice, that wasn’t what I had hoped for.

Zealous, which means inspired,  enthusiastic or purposeful. I started this month in a zealous way but now, 29 days later I have little more to add. I have exhausted my zeal if you would. So, I’ll end on that note and get back to writing smut and the like!

 

Blogging A-Z 2018: W

On 21st April it was 5 years since I started writing this blog. It began on Blogger as World of Joolz then became MPB still on Blogger and now here in my own space.

W is for writing

21 days into a new and very illicit relationship, I started my blog. Looking back to those first few posts it is clear I had no idea what I was potentially getting into. Or even what I wanted. Nor did I understand what a D/s relationship really was, let alone anything about BDSM. But it turned out to be the right path, I followed my instincts and little else. Then I was on a journey into the unknown, but it was exciting and thrilling.

In the past 5 years, I have written around 880 posts. I may have lost one or two in my disastrous hosting move in February, but only that.

There have been times when writing has been my saviour. Times when my blog was the only place I could express myself. When my husband discovered (or was told) about the affair, when S unceremoniously dumped me, when I almost got myself hooked up with some weirdo.

There have been times when I have wished I had been less honest about my thoughts and feelings. For example when Master’s former slave started to read my blog and did her best to make me feel I was going mad. But equally Master has used my words to begin conversations about how I am feeling about a situation. Times when we have discussed situations that would have been difficult without the blog.

Today, I am at another crossroads in my life. One where I am thinking about having more time to do more interesting things with Master. But one too where there will be more time for writing.

 

Blogging A-Z 2018 V

I am behind again, V should have been yesterday. So tomorrow, when I have more time, I’ll catch up properly.

Voting

In just a week we have to vote in the local council elections. But since this isn’t a politics blog and making it into one would be a mistake I am going to talk about a different vote. Submissions for the 4th round of the Smut marathon are due in by Saturday and voting starts again on Sunday.

I began my entry for this round about 10 days ago and edited it right down the following day. But I only just submitted tonight. After the voting round last time I feel a bit nervous about my chances. In the second round I received quite a bit of criticism about my entry,  in terms of grammar and content. But I was surprised to find myself climb the rankings in the vote. Then in round 3 I received lots of positive reviews. People though, said they needed more votes than the 3 allowed to be able to vote for me. And so it was that I received no jury votes and probably just my own vote for myself from the public.

I think though the important thing is for more people to join in with the comments and vote. Because the more people that contribute, then the greater meaning the whole thing has.

This latest assignment was tricky, since I was in new territory. But actually I enjoyed it more than the others. So, I am hopeful I will receive some constructive feedback and at least a few votes. Whatever, the main thing is that when you get the chance, you should vote. This time too, I am going to make time to comment on everyone else entry too.

Good luck everyone.

Blogging A-Z 2018: SoSS

Today is Saturday and today’s letter is S, so it must be Share our Shit Saturday (SoSS). Most mornings this week we have had a slow, leisurely start to the day. This has given me time to blog and read blogs, engage with Twitter and even Facebook.

Favorite blog post of the week

Molly Moore wrote about her life as a voyeur and how she discovered just how much watching others turns her on. She related this to her experience with a former lover and then to the polyamorous relationship that she is now part of with her husband Michael and Cara who more recently came into their life. I was privileged to meet Cara when she was in the UK recently and can understand why Michael fell for her. That Molly has been able to welcome Cara into her life and Cara has made Michael so happy is wonderful.  But more than that, Molly explains how excited she is to share Michael with Cara.

I am actually quite in awe of their situation. When my relationship with Master started, I was the third person. His then slave was planning to join him here, but was still living in the US. She was almost immediately jealous of me and tried hard to undermine me. The result was that their relationship ended. So I didn’t get the chance to know whether I would have been turned on while they had sex. We have spoken about introducing another woman for play purposes, but it hasn’t happened. It is something I am curious about, but don’t know if I would be as accepting as Molly. The idea of kissing Master while someone else sucks his cock is quite a turn on though.

Scarlett Ladies – Blog post by The Other Livvy

I wasn’t aware of Scarlett Ladies until I read this post by Livvy. It is a sex positive network of women in London that includes events and meetings to attend as well as newsletters etc. They have a wonderful website, that I need to take a closer look at. Livvy’s blog post is an update on one she wrote soon after her marriage last year. Its about her decision to take her husband’s surname and whether this makes her less of a feminist.

When I got married in 1984 I never considered whether changing my name was a good or bad thing to do, I just did it. Only later, I found that a number of my nursing colleagues used both their maiden and married names. One for work and the other for home and family. This approach seems practical and sensible when it’s desirable to keep the two separate.

I have never thought of this as a feminist issue though, but rather as what is practical. Certainly friends who either weren’t married or else kept their maiden names encountered difficulties when their children went to school. The schools (at the time) struggled with knowing what to call a mother with a different name from their child. The children themselves of course, asked questions, so all having the same name is easy. Plus having a child with a different name at airport security can take a little extra time.

But none of this is important. What matters is doing what is right for you and for the right reasons. Livvy seems to have thought through her options and decided what she wants. This doesn’t make her less of a feminist, but demonstrates she is a woman who knows herself, her needs. She is also considering her husband and future family and that deserves respect.