Journey’s end?

This journey

Yesterday I had some time to sit and think about my blog. About the journey I began over 6 years ago when I started writing. I pondered whether that path had reached its conclusion. At the beginning I had no idea where I was going, if anywhere. All I knew was that I needed something different in my life. Something more than I had then. I understood this was to be a journey and thought I would know when I had arrived.

The two relationships that were in place back then are history. Extracting myself from my marriage of 30+ years has proved harder than I imagined. That journey has been painful and emotionally draining. But he is now happily living in what was our home with his (not so) new partner. Recently I attended his mum’s funeral and saw them together. It was clear that they have a strong relationship, something he denied to me for a long time.

Last night I mentioned to Master that I wasn’t sure about continuing this blog, because my journey is complete. But is that true? For him, my moving in to his home as his 24/7 slave has greater meaning than I understood.

Being his Slave

Over the past few months I had almost forgotten about that element of our relationship. Of course, I wear my collar and cuff and my piercings are a constant physical reminder. Our sex life is always a reminder of the M/s nature of our relationship. But during the busy and very hot days of June and July we didn’t have loads of sex. Preparations to move meant we spent lots of time at my place, but we were busy and everything we did was about working towards the move.

The first week or two were a period of adjustment but gradually we are settling into something of a routine. Only now though am I able to see the subtle changes that are coming to be. Even as I considered whether I wanted to write my blog any more, even as I uttered the words about the journey, I knew.

Over the past couple of years being Master’s slave has in the main been about what we do in the bedroom or play room. Not about our every day life. I am, as he often tells me an unruly slave. Rebellious, open with my thoughts and feelings, often pushing back against any attempt to control me. That’s easy when you have your own home and don’t live together. Also when you are financially secure and don’t need to rely on another.

Now though things will be different and what I have discovered is that he is excited by this. He loves the fact I am here with him, he wants to have more control over me. Also that I will be more financially dependent on him (though I have my own money and may yet get another job). He enjoys taking care of me, cooking and so forth. I also want to take care of him, and find my submissive self reawakening.

We had some very hot sex last night and again this morning. It is often during those moments of heightened arousal and passion that the truth is spoken. I clearly saw in myself, particularly last night a need I had forgotten existed. Over the coming weeks I fully expect to need to articulate this much more. What better place to do so than here on my blog.

The end of the journey? I don’t think so.

What I know now

It is the 50th Food 4 Thought Friday, which is a major accomplishment. I am in awe of all within this blogging community that run memes. There is an extraordinary amount of work. So well done and thank you. Having said that, I usually struggle to participate in everything. But since I am trying to post every day in June, and I am on holiday, with wifi, here goes.

What I know now

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Probably that at the age of 55 I have sex at all. I was so naive back then and uneducated about sex. I never envisaged people as old as I am now even had sex.

What one thing might shock that younger you?

The extent to which I enjoy sex. That being with the right partner is the key to enjoyment and that we are meant to enjoy sex (not sure if that is one answer or 3).

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I have probably surpassed them. Having bought the Joy of Sex shortly after my marriage when I was about 22, we spent some time trying out various sexual positions.  I wish I still had a copy to check out if I have had sex in all of them. It felt slightly naughty and a bit hippy at the time. I’m not sure if anal was even in there, but if it was then I’ve done that too.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

Probably the ability to work all day, party all evening and still have sex at the end of the night. Because we had so much energy then. I have a hunch that Master and I would have been proper party animals if we had known each other. Because as I said at the beginning, compatibility is the key.

#SoSS: What’s to see?

Today’s post for ‘Every damn day in June’ is also a SoSS: What’s to see on the kinky web?

Work was so busy before I came away on holiday, that I had limited time to read and also write. I’ve struggled to look at all of the Sinful Sunday’s for last week and haven’t read most of the Wicked Wednesday posts. But I have read anything that has popped into my email inbox or twitter time line. So I am not entirely behind.

I have never participated in Hyacinth’s Boob day and must get round to it some time. I usually take a peek though and was drawn to Modesty’s offering. She manages to get into some great places for both Boob day and Sinful Sunday and this is no exception.

As most people know, Marie is one of the most active bloggers in our little community. Not only does she run Wicked Wednesday and the Smut Marathon but she also contributes to Masturbation Monday and Wicked Wednesday. This week she has posted a round up of all of the 12 word stories she has posted in May. For those that  don’t know about Story in 12, it is a Twitter based meme inviting readers to write a story in 12 words using a different prompt each day.  Started by Molly and Wriggly Kitty it has taken off really quickly and is great fun.

I met Posy Churchgate at Eroticon and we managed to have a chat, though not for as long as I would have liked as she was only there for the one day. Her post about being BDSM curious has resulted in much discussion. I came from a similar point to her, being curious and not knowing how to get my partner interested. For me though, there was no possibility of venturing into D/s or other aspects of BDSM with him. Instead I went out on my own and finally met the man I call Master. I admire the thoughtful way she is approaching this journey and the clarity she has about the importance of her long term relationship.

Finally for this post, May More has migrated her diaries from 1997. This will give us an insight to May before May Matters. I really do envy May this archive and also a life that was way more interesting than mine. I have read the first couple of posts but will be returning for much more. May was at Eroticon too, and we managed a longer chat. Trouble was it was in the pub at the social and wine was involved. Fingers crossed I get to meet up with both May and Posy again in the future.

 

Blogging A-Z 2018: Y and Z

So, I limp to the finish line with my final offering for the April Blogging A-Z for 2018. It seemed like a great idea to write about random topics . But this has led me to spend far too much time navel gazing and being unfocussed. I’ll bear that in mind next year, since it is rather fun to do the challenge.

Y is for you

You the people who visit my blog and comment. You, Master who reads every word I write. You the people whose blogs I visit and comment on.  You, the people who run and manage the memes I participate in. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am enjoying writing again after a year when I could have easily stopped.  This year, I intend to continue writing in May and beyond, unlike last year. I feel that I am part of a community of bloggers and writers who in the main are friendly and encouraging. But there is drama from time to time and I plan, where possible to avoid that.

Z is for Zabaglione and Zealous

Z is the 26th and final letter in the alphabet. There aren’t masses of words beginning with Z, which is one of the reasons this post wasn’t ready to go this morning and I am writing it now. But there are some interesting words for example – Zabaglione  – a lovely Italian desert. There was a restaurant nearby when I was a student that served it. Whisked egg white and some kind of alcohol mainly. I chose zabaglione for desert in Sicily and it turned up as an ice-cream. While nice, that wasn’t what I had hoped for.

Zealous, which means inspired,  enthusiastic or purposeful. I started this month in a zealous way but now, 29 days later I have little more to add. I have exhausted my zeal if you would. So, I’ll end on that note and get back to writing smut and the like!

 

Blogging A-Z 2018: W

On 21st April it was 5 years since I started writing this blog. It began on Blogger as World of Joolz then became MPB still on Blogger and now here in my own space.

W is for writing

21 days into a new and very illicit relationship, I started my blog. Looking back to those first few posts it is clear I had no idea what I was potentially getting into. Or even what I wanted. Nor did I understand what a D/s relationship really was, let alone anything about BDSM. But it turned out to be the right path, I followed my instincts and little else. Then I was on a journey into the unknown, but it was exciting and thrilling.

In the past 5 years, I have written around 880 posts. I may have lost one or two in my disastrous hosting move in February, but only that.

There have been times when writing has been my saviour. Times when my blog was the only place I could express myself. When my husband discovered (or was told) about the affair, when S unceremoniously dumped me, when I almost got myself hooked up with some weirdo.

There have been times when I have wished I had been less honest about my thoughts and feelings. For example when Master’s former slave started to read my blog and did her best to make me feel I was going mad. But equally Master has used my words to begin conversations about how I am feeling about a situation. Times when we have discussed situations that would have been difficult without the blog.

Today, I am at another crossroads in my life. One where I am thinking about having more time to do more interesting things with Master. But one too where there will be more time for writing.

 

Blogging A-Z 2018 V

I am behind again, V should have been yesterday. So tomorrow, when I have more time, I’ll catch up properly.

Voting

In just a week we have to vote in the local council elections. But since this isn’t a politics blog and making it into one would be a mistake I am going to talk about a different vote. Submissions for the 4th round of the Smut marathon are due in by Saturday and voting starts again on Sunday.

I began my entry for this round about 10 days ago and edited it right down the following day. But I only just submitted tonight. After the voting round last time I feel a bit nervous about my chances. In the second round I received quite a bit of criticism about my entry,  in terms of grammar and content. But I was surprised to find myself climb the rankings in the vote. Then in round 3 I received lots of positive reviews. People though, said they needed more votes than the 3 allowed to be able to vote for me. And so it was that I received no jury votes and probably just my own vote for myself from the public.

I think though the important thing is for more people to join in with the comments and vote. Because the more people that contribute, then the greater meaning the whole thing has.

This latest assignment was tricky, since I was in new territory. But actually I enjoyed it more than the others. So, I am hopeful I will receive some constructive feedback and at least a few votes. Whatever, the main thing is that when you get the chance, you should vote. This time too, I am going to make time to comment on everyone else entry too.

Good luck everyone.

Blogging A-Z 2018: SoSS

Today is Saturday and today’s letter is S, so it must be Share our Shit Saturday (SoSS). Most mornings this week we have had a slow, leisurely start to the day. This has given me time to blog and read blogs, engage with Twitter and even Facebook.

Favorite blog post of the week

Molly Moore wrote about her life as a voyeur and how she discovered just how much watching others turns her on. She related this to her experience with a former lover and then to the polyamorous relationship that she is now part of with her husband Michael and Cara who more recently came into their life. I was privileged to meet Cara when she was in the UK recently and can understand why Michael fell for her. That Molly has been able to welcome Cara into her life and Cara has made Michael so happy is wonderful.  But more than that, Molly explains how excited she is to share Michael with Cara.

I am actually quite in awe of their situation. When my relationship with Master started, I was the third person. His then slave was planning to join him here, but was still living in the US. She was almost immediately jealous of me and tried hard to undermine me. The result was that their relationship ended. So I didn’t get the chance to know whether I would have been turned on while they had sex. We have spoken about introducing another woman for play purposes, but it hasn’t happened. It is something I am curious about, but don’t know if I would be as accepting as Molly. The idea of kissing Master while someone else sucks his cock is quite a turn on though.

Scarlett Ladies – Blog post by The Other Livvy

I wasn’t aware of Scarlett Ladies until I read this post by Livvy. It is a sex positive network of women in London that includes events and meetings to attend as well as newsletters etc. They have a wonderful website, that I need to take a closer look at. Livvy’s blog post is an update on one she wrote soon after her marriage last year. Its about her decision to take her husband’s surname and whether this makes her less of a feminist.

When I got married in 1984 I never considered whether changing my name was a good or bad thing to do, I just did it. Only later, I found that a number of my nursing colleagues used both their maiden and married names. One for work and the other for home and family. This approach seems practical and sensible when it’s desirable to keep the two separate.

I have never thought of this as a feminist issue though, but rather as what is practical. Certainly friends who either weren’t married or else kept their maiden names encountered difficulties when their children went to school. The schools (at the time) struggled with knowing what to call a mother with a different name from their child. The children themselves of course, asked questions, so all having the same name is easy. Plus having a child with a different name at airport security can take a little extra time.

But none of this is important. What matters is doing what is right for you and for the right reasons. Livvy seems to have thought through her options and decided what she wants. This doesn’t make her less of a feminist, but demonstrates she is a woman who knows herself, her needs. She is also considering her husband and future family and that deserves respect.

Blogging A-Z 2018: M (and #SoSS)

Life has been crazy busy round here. Consequently I haven’t had much time for  the #SoSS meme. This is a round up and shout out to other sex bloggers and came about because of the trend towards censorship and twitter shadow banning. But since I need to write anyway, for the letter M, I have decided to make this a post for both A-Z Challenge and #SoSS.

M is for MentionMarie Rebelle mentioned me today on her round up and I took the word mention from her A-Z.

Some more mentions as follows:

Fellow bloggers have also been doing the April Blogging challenge. I especially like JZ’s. Hers are all about cooking, I urge you to take a look. Her stories are great and there is huge debate on many topics. This one is about the new fangled Instant Pots, which to me are just snazzy pressure cookers. Like JZ I have enough gadgets and prefer slow to fast cooking. I know this isn’t sex, per say but food is very important!

Submissy’s posts are about her life as a submissive, and have enabled her to review some of her previous posts. I intended to do this, but have been too unorganised. That in itself makes her worthy of a visit, but her posts are well worth the read. This one on Head, humiliation and happy ever afters talks about how the ability to switch off from day to day life can be helped through submission.

Charley at Sex blog of sorts expanded on her very good smut marathon entry. Katy the girl who has everything and is fantastic at all she does. Who hasn’t known someone a bit like that. There is a flaw though and reading it from a mum’s point of view and as a nurse would consider post natal depression. Or maybe she really does love her husband more than her child.

I was really disappointed at my smut marathon third round result. I received some great feedback but didn’t score at all. Critics were correct, it was difficult to know which of my characters had the flaw. My mistake was that both did. Still on to the next round.

Hannah Lockhardt is the latest twitter account to be shadow banned. I love her post telling us about the post eroticon adventures she has planned. Plenty future blog material there.

Finally Eye, wrote an amazing piece this week about being owned. I so identify with her about her journey to recognising herself as submissive and it’s effect on her. I love that she is able to express her wants and needs through this post.

Blogging A-Z 2018: K&L

Kink and Limits

There is a place on Fetlife where you can list your kinks or as described there, fetishes. Those available range across the spectrum of those related to domination and submission, through pain, degradation, humiliation and so on. Just reading through posts there, blogs, books and comments on social media it’s possible to find out about those kinks and how people fulfil them.

What is clear, is that everyone is different. What works for one person, couple or group really doesn’t for others. But just because you come across something you wouldn’t want to do yourself, doesn’t make them wrong. Nor does it mean you have to want to try everything, after all everyone has limits.

My approach all along this journey has been that I have a few very hard limits when it comes to kink. Thankfully most of those are the same as Master, which makes life easy. These include blood, scat and anything completely illegal. I have one that I described to him at the beginning of our relationship that he has respected. It might seem odd, but I will not dress up in any nurse / medial related out fit. I am a nurse and as such will not bring my own profession into disrepute by degrading the uniform. I have no problem with others dressing as a sexy nurse, I am just not doing it.

All other limits I might have, or have had in the past are soft. This made it easy to give up decisions about those limits to Master once we agreed our power exchange relationship. He has a number of kinks that aren’t necessarily mine, but I am happy to embrace them. One of those would be water sports. Given a choice I wouldn’t initiate peeing on him or being peed on, but have to admit I don’t dislike it.

My journey to submission, slavery and kink has been one of great learning. We have explored our fantasies as well as things we knew we enjoyed. There have been things we have done once or twice and not repeated, and there are others we rarely do but would like more time to explore.

The fun and enjoyment we have together in the bedroom or play room are part of what makes our relationship special. It stops life getting dull and helps us learn more about each other along the way. I am glad I found kink and explored my limits and that I have him to help me do so.

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Blogging A-Z 2018: J

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Our Journey

We have been travelling on this Journey for over 4 years now. There have been many times, that I have worried I am not worthy to be Master’s slave. After all, I am headstrong, mouthy and independent. But I know I am also dependent on him and have been so, almost since the beginning. This is the first time in my life I have relied so heavily for advice and support. The first time I have allowed another to guide me through life and to tell me what to do. It is the first time I have allowed another to have the last word.

My own Journey

Began in 2012. Almost exactly 6 years ago. By the end of that year I had already decided I wanted to leave my marriage. But I have to admit that legally I am still married. The journey has been painful. There have been lies and deceit along the way, and I others have been hurt in the process.

But I am now at the biggest cross roads since November 2012 when I told my husband of my infidelity. His new partner’s house is up for sale and I believe it will be sold very soon. This summer I will need to sort out my belongings, throw out the things I don’t want and need, things that aren’t important to me and I will prepare to move out.

This has been my family home for 27 years. My son was only 5 months old when we moved here. He spoke his first words, crawled and walked here. We have celebrated birthdays, Christmas and held parties. We have laughed and we have cried.

But it is time to move on, my husband can become and ex. My son and his girlfriend have their own home and are travelling through their life together. I have Master and I will move to his house.

Our Journey

There are so many places Master and I want to travel together, places we want to see and things we want to do. We know that we want the time and space to do so and that will require more change on my part. The end of my solo journey is in sight and a new one for us both is now about to begin.

Most important though is not the actual geographical places we might travel to or that I will need to change my work patterns to do so. More important is the distance we have travelled together and the place we will soon arrive at.

I can’t wait for the next stage of our journey as we come together, finally as one.