Release

The photo for this week’s wicked Wednesday feels very poignant and so I am using it here. After 6 years of writing my blog, of sometimes living a lie but mostly waiting I will soon be free. A butterfly about to be released, to fly away.

My husband was unfaithful to me within 2 or 3 years of our marriage. A relationship that continued for 7 years. After I found out and came to terms with the reality. After also the decision was  made to continue with the marriage I made a deal with myself. Essentially I decided if, by the time my son (who was about 3 or 4 at the time) had grown up, I wasn’t happy, I would leave the marriage. For many years I forgot about it and just lived in the moment, it wasn’t as if we were always unhappy because we weren’t.

But the memories sat on my shoulder and every now and then something happened or words were spoken that reminded me. And one day soon after my son, now grown up, left for university I realised that the time had come.

I felt trapped. The good daughter wife and mother who realised she was living a lie.

Fast forward

Today, about 7 years later and 5 since I was first unfaithful to my husband I am preparing to break free. At last.

If I had my life over again I would do things differently, maybe.

I stayed in the marriage because I thought it was the right thing for my son and because I was scared. It took me years to build the confidence to explore and to become the person I am. Maybe too, the person I needed to be with also had to be in the right place, right time.

Within a month I will have moved from my home of 27 years. I will be with my lover, my Master, the man I want to be with. In 9 weeks I will have left my job and have some space, to be me.

Meantime there is a lot to do. Life is going to be busy and tiring. I am probably going to struggle to cope and will probably say and do things that might later be regretted. Though I hope not.

It is time for me to be me. The future beckons and if I just flap my wings enough I will be that butterfly with the wind in her wings. Ready to land in my new home. With Master.

Footnote:

This came up on my repeat posts on Twitter today. Looking back defining moment

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

30 Days of Kink, Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?

You have to remember that I was a mature woman who needed to explore a new side of herself. At the same time though, the way I let this experience play out was scary, both at the time and looking back.

Before Master, I met a man called Steve online. 

Steve and I had been chatting for a few weeks (at least two anyway). We decided to meet.
 
There is no doubting that we were attracted to each other, both sexually and it seemed in terms of the D/s dynamic we discovered existed between us. I say ‘seemed’ because I think that for Steve, that this was a game and for me, well I didn’t know. Now, I know it isn’t any kind of game, it is a reality, but at the time I was excited and ready to play!

The 5 day course I was enrolled on gave us an opportunity. It was a challenge to think up an excuse though to need to stay away from home when it takes just half an hour by train to get here. S booked us into a hotel about half an hour in the other direction. What I didn’t know at the time was that the hotel wasn’t really within walking distance of the train station and that this place had no taxi rank.He booked the hotel so that I could easily arrive, go to the room and change. He had given me instructions about how to dress for him. Plus I had a good idea about how things might go. 

Arriving at my destination, it was raining. There were no taxis and I needed my phone to help me find my way. I was half excited and half anxious as I walked to the hotel. What was I doing? Why was I here? When I arrived though and the room was booked and paid for those thoughts evaporated. Then S arrived and my positive feelings were confirmed. He agreed I should continue to get ready and head to the bar and then he would take over the room to shower etc. 

Looking back this evening was indicative of how we would play out the whole relationship, in that we played a role, it was an act. I did my whole, middle aged woman in slutty clothes including stockings, suspenders and heels, well. He played whatever he was playing that night. 

We both wanted and needed sex. Essentially that was what we got soon after we met – one drink, no food.

The sex was kinky – pretty much anything would have been for me then. He was dominant that night in a way I needed. I kneeled, I sucked, He took possession of me in a way I hadn’t known before. We also had anal sex –  my first time.

Looking back I see this for the complete madness that this was. But at the time we serviced a need.

The following morning I was hungry but barely able to eat breakfast. I was late for the last day of my course and sat there, once I had arrived wondering what I had got myself in to.

I broke so many of the rules of safety when starting a relationship, but went with my gut. Steve and I saw a need in each other and satisfied it for quite a while. In the longer term there were lots of things wrong, but as preparation for my current relationship, I can’t complain.

 

Yesterday

i have rarely had such a difficult day to deal with. But it is over now, and i can look back on it. There is no guarantee that these kinds of stresses won’t happen again, but i guess there is more chance that you can cope if they have happened before.

Previous episodes of sub drop have been quite gradual, this was sudden. On Monday night i was flying high; my blog post demonstrates that (as has been pointed out to me). On Tuesday morning i read a short message left on yahoo and by the time i reached work a couple of hours later i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. i was angry, bitter, upset and very very sad. It was late afternoon before i spoke to Sir, and our conversation definitely helped. This was as well since at 6.30 i was due to have my first counselling session regarding my marriage.

The last thing i needed yesterday was to be thinking about my relationship with Sir and His with the other lady. Instead i was consumed with them. While high on Sunday night, i had let down my guard with her and had said some things that upset her (not intentionally). In turn i have now been seriously upset, the apparent malice the result of her hitting out while hurt. For now, i will stop all similar contact.

i went to the relationship counselling on my own. Hubby and i are in different places vis a vis our marriage. He still wants us to live together, to keep the weird status quo within which we exist. i do not. The session was useful. i came away with some clear thoughts on what i need to do – practical things – before i begin the counselling proper in a few weeks (there is a short waiting list).

Sunday was mother’s day here and for one reason and another, my son and i had not had much time together that day. He suggested dinner out, and since hubby was due to be home the three of us went out. This turned out to be a disaster. My lack of wedding ring was noticed by hubby for the first time and his mood spiralled. He spent most of the meal silent, morose, and giving eye contact to neither my son or to me. The evening, which had started well became uncomfortable for my son and i as we struggled to carry on as if he were not there.

The interesting thing is that the behaviour then and since then (later last night and again this morning) was exactly what i discussed with the counsellor might happen. Apparently i am wicked and take pleasure in being as horrible as i can to him. It was almost as if the past 18 months has been a dream, or else that he has been living on another planet.

This marriage breakup is going to be very difficult and painful. i am going to need every inch of strength i have to get through this and i am going to need Sir’s help. i cannot and must not let other outside stresses that i don’t need to worry about get in the way. Though of course, knowing me is bound to happen at some point.

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn’t even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be ‘the one’ for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won’t be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase – well that’s what I am hoping anyway!

One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us – with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him – at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.

Change ahead?

Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn’t be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.

However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.

Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don’t know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.

It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.

I don’t deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.

He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.

The greatest sadness is that he doesn’t feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.

I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.

I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.

Can’t turn the clock back

A post by Vesta at Vesta’s submission has had me thinking all day as I have gone about my pre-Christmas preparations (decorating the tree and shopping for presents) today. I am struggling with getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I can’t quite get into the mood and am going through the motions a little. Still I have most of the presents bought, a few wrapped. I have started on the cards, but am struggling with signing our names in the usual way. I have a lovely tree chosen by my son who also helped to decorate it. For 22 he is still loves Christmas and why shouldn’t he?

I know that it doesn’t have to be like this. I know that all I had to do in the summer when S and I finished (all be it briefly), was to tell hubby that I had made a mistake and that I wanted to try again. There have been many times since that day that I could have patched things up between us. But, how can I? The relationship he is offering me is not what I want. I have discovered things about myself over the past couple of years that I probably always knew. I can’t turn the clock back and pretend otherwise.

Until April 2012 hubby was the only man I had had full intercourse with. I always knew there was more that I wanted and needed but I struggled to work out what it was. I also knew that I didn’t really want that something else with hubby. I spent lots of time reading about sex, particularly since we have had a computer in the house. There were programmes about kink on the TV form time to time and I was curious, but I didn’t do anything about that curiosity.

The beginning of the relationship with S coincided in a heightening of my curiosity and discovery about the kinky side of me. One didn’t cause the other, they happened at the same time. I was reading about BDSM, particularly blogs and stories, and I was visiting kink related websites (like Fetlife) and chatrooms. It was in a kink chatroom that I met S for the first time. We chatted and played out a fantasy scene. I was aroused and I was even more curious. Over the following few days I discovered that I was willing to things he asked me to like wearing no panties, like playing with myself when in a public place, like wearing stockings. I found that being called a slut by him turned me on. I found I wanted to please him. I discovered my submissive side and I liked it.

A defining moment came on the day I bought a butt plug and inserted it, in a car park while on the phone to him. He told me I was a good slut.  I loved the feeling of that plug inside me, but I loved the feeling of being told I was a good slut and that he was pleased with me even more. A few days later I met him and was bending over while he spanked me and then claimed me for his own.

I am not a different person to the one I was 2 years ago,  but I have explored my limits and I have found I want more than I ever knew from a relationship. I know I can’t go back to the way I was then, and what is more I don’t want to. I am kinky and that is something I just am. I didn’t choose this, but you know what I am not sorry.

Photo from Austi81

Looking backwards….looking forwards

Its that time of year, a time to think about what has happened over the past 11 and a half months and wondering what is in store.

Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.

The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.

Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad’s birthday. Dad isn’t too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too.  Hubby won’t. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn’t want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.

The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don’t think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.

For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.

Distance means we can’t spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.

I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn’t really too bad.

New experiences

The world of Joolz moves on in a positive but maybe uninteresting way.

I was with S a couple of weeks ago and things were good. I think he had been reading my blog, because he reintroduced the nipple clamps and the riding crop. There is always something of a balance between pleasure and pain in these things but generally it would be true to say that an increasing amount of pain leads to lots of pleasure. Our relationship also strikes a good amount of balance. Friends vs sexual and DS benefits – who could complain? Not me that’s for sure.
So I have been in France for 5 days now. On my own with no hubby. For the first few days I had friends here, but since Saturday, for the first time, I am alone. Do you know what? I like it! 
Despite the fact I have been here numerous times before, I have found new places. On foot, by car and a new thing for me, by bike. Egged on by S, yesterday I completed a very long (by any ones standards) bike ride. Ok, on the flat and in the name of geocaching. But when I reached the end of my ride to get my caches, I rode another 7.5k to get back to civilisation. 
I decided that I should have beer. People who cycle for 30k or whatever it was deserve beer. So after locking up my bike in my apartment bike shed, I went to a local bar. Sadly the usual draft beer was unavailable (this is off season, so I guess they are running stocks down), so the lady persuaded me to a bottle of beer. It went down nicely. But as I stood up I felt even more shaky than was expected after 30k. That beer was 7.5% proof!! Not surprisingly I needed a little sleep after my dinner.
Tomorrow, I travel home.
Normal life, but, all is well.
Hope to see S soon.