WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

Yesterday

i have rarely had such a difficult day to deal with. But it is over now, and i can look back on it. There is no guarantee that these kinds of stresses won’t happen again, but i guess there is more chance that you can cope if they have happened before.

Previous episodes of sub drop have been quite gradual, this was sudden. On Monday night i was flying high; my blog post demonstrates that (as has been pointed out to me). On Tuesday morning i read a short message left on yahoo and by the time i reached work a couple of hours later i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. i was angry, bitter, upset and very very sad. It was late afternoon before i spoke to Sir, and our conversation definitely helped. This was as well since at 6.30 i was due to have my first counselling session regarding my marriage.

The last thing i needed yesterday was to be thinking about my relationship with Sir and His with the other lady. Instead i was consumed with them. While high on Sunday night, i had let down my guard with her and had said some things that upset her (not intentionally). In turn i have now been seriously upset, the apparent malice the result of her hitting out while hurt. For now, i will stop all similar contact.

i went to the relationship counselling on my own. Hubby and i are in different places vis a vis our marriage. He still wants us to live together, to keep the weird status quo within which we exist. i do not. The session was useful. i came away with some clear thoughts on what i need to do – practical things – before i begin the counselling proper in a few weeks (there is a short waiting list).

Sunday was mother’s day here and for one reason and another, my son and i had not had much time together that day. He suggested dinner out, and since hubby was due to be home the three of us went out. This turned out to be a disaster. My lack of wedding ring was noticed by hubby for the first time and his mood spiralled. He spent most of the meal silent, morose, and giving eye contact to neither my son or to me. The evening, which had started well became uncomfortable for my son and i as we struggled to carry on as if he were not there.

The interesting thing is that the behaviour then and since then (later last night and again this morning) was exactly what i discussed with the counsellor might happen. Apparently i am wicked and take pleasure in being as horrible as i can to him. It was almost as if the past 18 months has been a dream, or else that he has been living on another planet.

This marriage breakup is going to be very difficult and painful. i am going to need every inch of strength i have to get through this and i am going to need Sir’s help. i cannot and must not let other outside stresses that i don’t need to worry about get in the way. Though of course, knowing me is bound to happen at some point.

Why do I let myself get wound up?

I didn’t hear from Sir until last evening. Not one word from when i left His house on Friday night, until 7.20pm last night (Monday). He had been busy with family, firstly with his mum and then his children who are still quite young. He seems a great dad who does lots with his kids, He is the kind of dad I wished for my own son and didn’t always get (not that hubby has been in anyway bad, just not creative or massively active). Then on Monday He was working (as of course was I).

i knew this was likely the case, but because i had sent a text to let him know i was safely home, an email to say thanks for a great day on Saturday, then a text on Monday morning to ask if all was ok and got no replies i worked myself up into a state of angst.

One version of my mad mind had Him ill, dead or in some way incapacitated. Another had him deciding that i was not to be bothered with (though he bought me the lovely lingerie and gave no impression he was repulsed by me, quite the contrary). Finally i decided i was probably doomed to spend the next few weeks, months, years even carrying on with the dullness that is my current home life.

Of course deep inside i knew the truth. Last night i gently chided Him that i was a bit worried that i hadn’t heard from Him (without going over board). i did feel a little silly though, just as i should!

Struggling with the inner me

Struggling to cope with my life this weekend. A weaker person might throw in the towel, one way or the other, but i am not a weak person. i am however struggling with my inner voice, the one that alternately tells me to tell hubby the truth and then to keep up this facade.

i haven’t heard from Sir since Friday. i am a little annoyed about this, though i know it is probably because he is busy with his children. i expect we will chat later tonight, but again i am fighting my inner voice that wants me to ring him, text him, email him or all three. i just sent an email with a link to a website i think he might like and saying that i hope that he is having a good weekend. But i want to say so much more.

Last night i drank too much; some wine, followed by two G&Ts. i started on hubby but he knows better than to rise to me in that situation. i shouldn’t have had the gin, it brings out the inner me and i need it hidden right now. Luckily, i was very tired and sensibly went to bed.

i suppose i never thought all of this would be easy, but at the same time, i didn’t realise how difficult it would be to keep the inner me in its place. Question is though: am i doing myself a disservice by keeping it out of site?

Emotional Attachments

It is probably impossible to embark on any relationship without an emotional attachment forming as time passes. Up until now, i have tried to keep those thoughts from my mind (unsuccessfully at times i will admit). Yesterday, for me, seemed different. Yesterday evening i was almost overwhelmed with feelings while lying in bed with Master. To the extent that i wanted to say things that i am not sure it is yet time to say.

We started in the way described in my previous post and quickly found ourselves in the bedroom – i was wearing the new lovely lingerie Sir had bought, also wearing some new killer heels i had bought specially. i was collared, clamped and tied to his bed. Once i was allowed my first orgasm they just came one after the other and within an hour he had claimed me – he is the only person i have had anal sex with and this is way of laying claim to my body. He was (and i told him) very dominant and i was particularly submissive; we are getting better at our respective roles.

After a very late and very pleasant meal provided by Sir, we retired back to bed and picked up pretty much where we had left off. Sir is massively attentive to my needs and he spent so much time yesterday making sure that those needs were being met. That in turn meant i was better able to meet his needs. Until yesterday Master had not orgasmed inside my pussy, but that is what happened, with me on top in the most wonderful way, as instructed. I also overcame my gag reflex for a pretty significant (imho), and well performed deep throat fellatio.

We then spent a couple of hours (broken by some tea and chocolate at some point during the early evening) just lying there kissing and touching and that is when i just wanted to tell him that i loved him.

Having feelings for a man that is not your husband is quite a tricky thing to consider. Even when you have entered into a socially illicit relationship with that man. i didn’t really go looking for someone to have a specific relationship with. He offered me the opportunity to try something new, to explore new perspectives in my mind and body, and boy have i? i am not sure if i expected to develop these feelings, i didn’t really consider it. Lying there with him, and overwhelmed by those feelings, i struggled to understand whether i felt that way because i had just experienced the most amazing sex or because they were real feelings. For this reason and because i am kind of nervous of broaching the subject with him, i said nothing.

Well nothing is not quite true. He had said earlier about all of this being ‘a bit of fun’. i had agreed, after all, we are definitely having lots and lots of fun at that moment. But while we were lying there and i was feeling as i was, i said: ‘this is more than a bit of fun isn’t it?’ He didn’t answer, but he did kiss me again, deeply and for a good period of time. Definitely not time to discuss feelings at that moment.

This morning, i am over 100 miles away. I wish i was still with him, and i was this close to not getting out of that bed last night, he certainly reluctantly let me go. The feelings remain, but then i am still turned on, still wet. My nipples and pussy is still sore, my arse still remembers what happened.

Where is this going? Who knows? I still feel great love for him this morning and for now that will suffice!

In a day or so, i will write something about this in ‘the journey’ page.

 

Preparations

Since that first night we have seen each other about every two weeks. The time between those meetings is spent reflecting on what happened last time or sometimes a combination of that time and others, then thinking about next time.

Next time is tomorrow. This week we have spent considering that day. What time, where, what will i wear to arrive, what will the rules be when i arrive?

Other preparation takes place at this end, shaving and general preparation of my body for Sir. Getting clothing and any required toys ready, buying stockings. For Sir, maybe he tidies up his house a bit – he is living a bachelor life after all. Also he thinks about what food we will eat; that man gets very hungry between orgasms! So he goes food shopping.

Tomorrow i leave straight from work, a half day. i will drive to him dressed as i have been at work, i will stop at a service station about half an hour from his house and reapply makeup, put on stockings (unless i decide to wear them all day but that depends on the weather) and remove my knickers (unless i decide that crazy course of action to go commando in the first place).

As soon as i enter Master’s house, and we have kissed as i know we will. i will submit and be his. i will be on my knees, he will put on my collar, and i will suck his cock. At this point i will be where i belong and i will be who i am.

For more, you and i will have to wait until after……

Sir went shopping

He told me online last night that he had been shopping, buying things for me. i felt really excited when he told me this as people rarely buy me things when it isn’t my birthday or something. i knew he had been looking for lingerie that he wanted me in as he showed me some stylish red underwear on Sunday, and he asked me for my vital size as he called it. While we were chatting he was disappointed because the red bra in my size was out of stock. Now he has been to a shop, in his lunch hour. He has been thinking of me, while in a shop in his lunch hour and he has bought me lingerie.

He started off saying it was a surprise, but then sent me to the links. It is stylish, but not red. One set is black, the other white; yes, there are two sets and one black suspender belt. The stockings are my department (how i laughed at that, i am tall and he knows i struggle to get them long enough!).

i was feeling tired last night. i woke really early for the second day in a row (5am is no joke) and i had to do an evening focus group with people who have recently had cancer (that is part of my job). The focus group was interesting, but it was draining. Even though i have worked in healthcare for a very long time, their stories are difficult to hear. Often good stories about their care, yes. But also stories of when people are just too busy, stories of when people just don’t think before they open their mouths. But also stories of the pain that goes with having cancer or being the significant other of that person.

i had also been thinking about Sir much of the day. Thinking because we are seeing each other Friday. i am taking a half day (time owing as i have another focus group Thursday), but i haven’t set up my excuse for being late with hubby, haven’t actually told him yet. i was wondering on my way home, about the whole idea of travelling so far for a few hours of fun and games when i will be tired. i was wondering if i am just crazy or something.

But then, after a late dinner, knocked together while hubby sat glued to two foreign teams playing football, i made myself go online and chat to Sir. i was rewarded by feelings of care, generosity, thoughtfullness and of course ulterior motive. i was suddenly less tired, less weary. Instead i was wet, turned on by his words and by his enthusiasm. This i thought is a man who cares, who wants to see me, and because of that i will throw off the thoughts of the day and i will go to him on Friday afternoon, for as long as we have together. It is going to be great fun.

A day in the great outdoors

Yesterday fully lived up to my expectations and more. For some reason sex outside is one of the things i have always wanted to do. It would be true to say i have previously indulged in some masturbation with a male friend in the past, but nothing on the scale of what Sir and i got up to yesterday.

Having dropped hubby and his friends at the races for their own day of gambling, drinking and observing the Queen i headed off to a railway station a few miles away to collect Sir. On the way, i stopped as instructed and put on my stockings and suspenders underneath my summer dress. Amazingly i managed to put on seamed stockings, with the seam straight while sitting down! Driving with my skirt around my waist (as instructed), stocking tops showing, i felt conspicuous but found it something of a turn on. Sir was most pleased when he got in the car, giving me a taste of what was to come by stroking my pussy and clit and finding me already wet (predictable i’d say)! He then put on my collar to signify that we had begun the day.

Sir had done his homework and navigated us to a car park on the edge of some woods where i was instructed to suck sir’s cock and received some very nice foreplay. Sir helped me off with my bra and then out came the nipple clamps, which he applied before we trecked off into the woods in search of a secluded spot. This particular area is a great place for walking with our without your dog, mountain biking, horse riding, picnicing (you get the picture), but people stick to the paths and within minutes you can be in an area that people are unlikely to come across you. We found such a place and settled down with our rug, picnic and supplies. Sadly it was a bit chilly to completely strip off, but it was that secluded that i would have.

The next several hours were spent doing some very nice and some very naughty things. Sir spent a very long time exploring how he could give me pain in my nipples and then bring me to the edge time and time again. This was done in all positions and also tied to one of the trees. It culminated in a very big orgasm which i can’t even quantify. He then applied the clamp to my clit and played with my nipples then fucked me giving me the best orgasm i have ever had during penetrative sex. There was also food, sir as usual had bought some very nice things for us to eat and we also had some lovely time just kissing and holding each other.

As the afternoon drew on we packed up and took a trip around the pathways to the car (not by the most direct route) and several times sir stopped us to either suck his cock or for him to touch various parts of my body which was easily accessible to him in a loose fitting dress with no underwear.

The finale occured in an area containing a picnic table whch looked like it hadn’t been used for food for a very long time. Probably because it is situated in an area that you are unlikely to find (unless you are the kind of explorer Sir obviously is). This is the place then that Sir chose for us to have our final anal sex of the day and boy was it good? Last time, a tummy problem meant i was unable to enjoy anal sex with sir, but yesterday i really enjoyed it. As i get more used to the sensation and am able to relax into Sir’s wonderful cock i feel i am getting closer to being able to cum myself while sir is inside. Sir said himself that he could tell i was close and wondered if i was going to ask to cum. Not quite but maybe next time.

So that was the day in the outdoors. We drove off to a local pub and drank coffee in the garden. i went off to the toilet to make sure i looked presentable and to put my bra on (i needed it by then as my nipples were quite sore and sensitive, as they still are) and then we headed back to the station.

I had a great day which completely lived up to my hopes and dreams and which will stay with me always.

Keep it simple

I have decided that my life is complicated enough that i would be well advised not to get involved in more than one extra maritial affair at a time. I also think that keeping that relationship slightly at arms length and on a more sexual level is what i am most comfortable with right now.  I am going to tell A (the serious guy who hasn’t spoken on the phone to me or met me and who wants me to wear a collar for him) that i am not yet ready for this kind of committment. I suspect that once i gave him my phone number he would be pretty intense. I have enjoyed our chats and he sure has a way of getting a girl to open up. But it feels like too much too soon.

I am seeing Master again on Wednesday. I do feel guilty about the way in which i am currently deceiving hubby, but i am going to go ahead and do it anyway. For the second time in a couple of weeks i am taking annual leave to do this and i know that is something i can’t make a habit of. For once in my life i am really putting my wants, needs and desires before anyone else and that in itself is quite scary and unusual. Generally my life is at the beck, call and mercy of others. Master makes me feel good in a way no man ever has and i think for once i am going to be selfish and enjoy it while i can.

Master loves that i am experiencing new feelings and that i love what we are able to do together. I know that he feels that he owns that part of me already and since i am consumed with those feelings for a good part of the time that he owns much more of me than that. I don’t know how any of this will pan out but i know that i must just live for each day and enjoy what i have. There will be more to say after Wednesday!

Who knew

I could appear so attractive to men online. I must have some kind of gift! I am not talking about the guys you can chat to in an evening who are keen for some cyber sex and who you might ‘bump’ into again for a bit of the same a few days later. But those who are seeking a deeper attachment.

The relationship with Master is developing, we had a good day on Friday and we spent a reasonable amount of time talking about our lives. We didn’t get down to any deep feelings about each other, after all i am married and in exploring mode and he is newly separated and still working through the fall out of the events before and since. We haven’t chatted all that much since (he worked the weekend) and most of the time when we have we have been reliving Friday. i feel a bit nervous about asking him what he wants for the future and anyway i am not sure what i want for mine!

Last night i chatted again to the person i met the other day (see this post). He is a whole different kind of person. For one thing he has extracted masses of information out of me and then he has offered back his thoughts on me and my life. He is scarily accurate in his assessment. He quickly worked out the kind of relationship i have with hubby and challenged me about what keeps me here.

Last week he set a task, he wanted me to shower, shave and then dress in stockings and a silky dress, no underwear and stand infront of the mirror admiring and stroking myself. i did this and yes it was rather nice. Last night he cranked the task up as this time he wants me to shower and shave, then wearing a chocker around my neck he wants me to kneel in a prepared submissive position and say aloud in front of the mirror that i am there for him. Then he wants me to change the choker for a tight necklace and write his name on my pussy then dress as before.

This is something else entirely and it has left me with mixed and confused feelings. i will finish this post when i have had more time to think things through!