Wearing His Collar

Collars are such a huge symbol in the kink community. Attend any munch or kink event and you will see many people of all genders wearing them. In that context, a collar doesn’t necessarily denote that a person is submissive. But, that they consider themselves part of a community or lifestyle. Collars come in all shapes and sizes, leather, string, rope and metal. But as a submissive how does it feel to wear the collar of your dominant? In my case, His collar.

Play collar

During the first weeks of our relationship Master often put a leather play collar on me when we played. I loved the feel of it and what it represented. Plus it put me into the submissive space I needed to get into. Often we would come together at the end of a working week, at his place or mine. It took time for me to settle into that place, to move from being the responsible manager, mother to a young adult into his slut.

After a while he bought me posture collars, something I both love and hate. I don’t have the thinnest of necks but also love the tightness and restriction it provides. One of the collars was attached to a leather harness. It was when wearing these items that Master began to take more photos of me.

The first signs of permanent commitment came early in our relationship. My piercings. Of course, no one but us knew they existed.

The first external symbol

Neither of us were free to commit to each other in those early days. My ex was still coming home for odd days (and nights) and Master was still (in theory) with his primary slave. So, he bought me something to wear around my wrist. A chunky chain with a lock. To us it had the symbol of a collar worn around the neck. I wore it most, if not all of the time.

A permanent collar

In July 2015 Master collared me with a locked titanium ring. His collar. I’ve rarely removed it other than for medical reasons. My collar remains even after almost 5 years a lasting symbol of our commitment to each other. The photo below was taken on the day Master put it around my neck.

Few people know what it means and in the main even fewer mention it. Generally those that comment do so to tell me they like it. At Munches people ask if it is what they think it is. I always say that it has meaning and isn’t just for show. Because it’s made of titanium it is light weight and doesn’t set off alarms at airports. I love the look on the faces of security when I’m not called back for a pat down. When the weather is hot, or I am, I can move it around so that a cool area touches the back of my neck. Equally when feeling anxious you are likely to see me touching it. It might be a symbol, much as a wedding ring is. But I am proud to wear His collar.

Categories – C

There have been many categories beginning with C. Including censorship, Christmas and clamps. There was a fun period when I was a cock worshipping slut and more recently there is chastity. The most common reason people find my blog. A few posts on female chastity. Control feature frequently as you would expect in an M/s relationship.

Finding my kink

Me wearing a fluffy tail

When I started exploring my kinky side I thought I didn’t know I was even interested in kink. But thinking back, the signs were there, even as far back as my early 20’s. At that time (I think I mentioned before), I wrote stories in longhand that often included threesomes and other kinky stuff. But somewhere amidst the monotony of a vanilla marriage and motherhood I forgot. So it wasn’t until the age of digital books and the internet that my kink side began to find the light of day again. By then I had the time to investigate and a husband who tended to fall asleep of an evening!

What is kink anyway?

According to Wikipedia kinkiness is defined as “the use of non conventional sexual practice“. the kink part being about a bend (or kink) rather than straight (or vanilla). The thing is of course, who decides what is straight and what is kinky? Who decides that kink is bad and straight is good? There are laws of indecency of course and attempts to make stuff that happens in private the business of others.

Earlier this year we expected the age verification legislation to come into effect here in the UK. I am all for preventing children accessing porn, but there was a feeling this was aimed at the kink community. Including those that photographed it and wrote about it. So far this hasn’t come into place, and anyway actually having sex, kinky or vanilla has nothing to do with porn. Though to be fair the internet is where many of us have found out about kink.

My early experiences of kink

I’d had very little actual sex let alone indulged in kink as I approached 50. My husband was interested, but mainly in watching others (on a screen). I often pretended to be shocked by some of the TV and videos he watched. But I was actually very interested indeed. I just couldn’t see me doing those things with him. Sadly I didn’t heed the warning signs that we obviously weren’t compatible. That came much later.

Exploring sex and kink at 50

As I mentioned above, I began reading sex and erotica when I got my first kindle. But in April 2012 I began chatting with a man online who was into Dominance and submission. This led me to read not only books but blogs and to join website forums. Very quickly I learned about BDSM and found myself intrigued. But also I found I wanted to try what I was reading about. The idea of me as a submissive woman excited me, as did the thought of restraint and kinky sex.

My initiation was rapid and not without risks. But from the first meeting with S I knew it was for me. I realised that I’d kept myself in check for many years.

Not long before meeting S, I had explored my own body and the ways I could make it aroused. I had found out as much as I could about masturbation and bought toys for myself. I discovered my orgasms were much more powerful with a clitoral vibrator. But while enjoyable it wasn’t entirely satisfying.

Before long though I was definitely having kinky sex, not to mention getting involved in other aspects of BDSM. While not everything that happened with S was good, he helped me realise what I wanted from life. This made meeting and becoming Master’s submissive then slave all the easier.

Our kinky life now

There is very little about our sex life that could be described as straight or vanilla. Save that we often have sex in the missionary position. But there are always overtones of M/s. We don’t play as often as we did at the beginning, but we have a room full of equipment and we do use it. We go to Munches and clubs and we have stayed in dungeons. Then there is the fact that we take photos of each other in a state of undress or practicing our art (see photo above). We live full time as a Master / slave couple and that in itself is far from straight.

For me this is the life I craved, yet didn’t know it. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want sex with my husband. But it turns out that we just weren’t right together. Now I have found the right man I am proud to say that I am kinky and proud of it.

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Humiliation

One of the first things I learned on my submissive journey was that I enjoyed being humiliated in a sexual way. Against even my own expectations I enjoyed being called a slut or bitch. Early in my relationship with S I was expected to dress in clothing that would usually be restricted to the bedroom. Or to drive to meet him with my skirt pulled up around my waist. I found myself buying clothing I usually considered too short for my age. Then, when I wore them out with him and he whispered that I was a whore, I felt turned on rather than horrified. These were all revelations to me.

In July 2012, I wrote about our first date:

On our very first date, on that first night. i dressed in a short skirt, which only just covered my stockings and suspenders. i wore black heeled shoes that i could barely walk in and i walked into a bar and ordered a drink. i sat at a table and waited until Sir who i had barely met in person came into the bar and asked to join me. He had us move to another table with lower chairs where he could observe and touch me more easily and then we tried to engage in normal ‘we’ve just met and are just having a chat’ conversation while he ran his hand up my stocking top in pretty much full view of the bar.

This was humiliating, sir told me later that i was a slut for doing it, but i loved it. The whole time experiencing a combination of blind panic and amazing exhilaration.

17 July 2012

That relationship was characterised by such behaviour. I loved and embraced it. Though I am not sorry that Master is not into stockings and heels. In a way, it was all part of the journey to the submissive woman and slave I am now.

Humiliation now

At the beginning Master told me he preferred me to wear no underwear. The idea that people might see I was wearing no knickers or bra was both thrilling and scary. He likes to touch me in a public place and to photograph me. Often people aren’t far away. The possibility of discovery is one of the things I both love and hate, but mainly love. I’ve not been out without underwear since my mastectomy, but it is something I plan this summer.

In the bedroom, playroom or club he likes me to wear clothes he considers sexy. These tend to be leather harnesses, a net dress or something similar. Kink wear feels natural in those environments, but outside they feel less so.

But the main way in which Master likes to humiliate me is through the use of certain words. That is where Master’s pleasing bitch comes in. Soon after I became his slave, Master renamed me His pleasing bitch. The use of this name and also calling me girl were designed to show that it was he that was important rather than me. It was almost that I didn’t need a specific identity. Instead my whole role was to please him and to be the bitch he wanted and needed.

Being treated as ‘just’ slave was humiliating and degrading. But also it was completely liberating. Suddenly I was able to leave my identity as Julie behind, including the baggage of life. Instead I could just be MPB or this girl.

Reflections on humiliation in this M/s relationship

In my past relationship, humiliation was about looking slutty and being called names. Rather than hate it, I loved it. But the dressing up part was a kind of role play and still is.

Now, I am always slave. But there is still the need for ritual to get into the right mindset. The burdens of every day life remain, along with the responsibilities that go with them. So we engage in a ritual where I tell him who and what I am. During this I recite that: this girl is his bitch, his pleasing bitch. That he is this girl’s Master and that he controls her limits.

While this is most often immediately before sex or play, that doesn’t mean that it can’t occur at other times. It is humiliating to recite this mantra, but also it reaffirms that I am his slave and always will be.

What submission means to me

Last week I joined the SafeworD/s Club a chat community and website run by Missy and His Lordship. This is a great resource for both new D/s couples and also those who have been around for longer. I joined the live chat session and hope to get back soon. It was great to share experiences and find out more about everyone. I urge you to go take a look. They are also running a new Meme; Tell Me About, which started this week. The first topic is submission.

Throw-back Thursday photo from 2016

I have written about my submission many times. In fact, 177 times in the past I have labelled a post ‘submission’. Not surprising since I have been writing about this journey of mine for almost 7 years.

In the beginning

I didn’t really know what I was letting myself in for, nor did I really know what submission was (or what it wasn’t). My knowledge essentially came from books provided through my kindle in a pre 50 shades world. Many were just as unrealistic as that particular tale, often depicting a very young woman hooking up with a mega rich dominant. The more I read though, the more I realised that there was something in there for me. Mainly a world where I wouldn’t have to be the one to make all of the decisions and one where there would be sex and a lot of it. I didn’t know back then if I would enjoy the other elements such as pain and restraint. It turned out I did.

Immediately I started my first D/s relationship, I knew I should write about it. I must have had some kind of inkling that there would be no turning back and that has proved to be the case. I don’t want to go back over those early feelings (given I have written so much about them), but the archives, with links from the early days are here.

What my submission means to me now

Submission is now a way of life. It isn’t something that happens to me when we have sex, I am restrained or being flogged. Though they certainly enhance it. Instead it is more of a mindset. Something I consider when I am going about my daily life. I have agreed to serve my dominant, my Master. So, I try to think about him and what he wants and needs throughout the day. This is easier since I gave up work and actually since my cancer diagnosis.

Before, there were many competing priorities. Sometimes I felt I should be putting him first but felt I couldn’t. Many times I knew I should prioritise my own well being, but didn’t. Even when he told me I should.

During the first few weeks after I moved in with him, there was a period of adjustment. I struggled to work out who I was and what I wanted. But gradually things fell into place. I relaxed into the role we carved out for me and I began to feel calmer and more at peace with myself than I have for a very long time. If ever.

It is difficult to say what exactly is different. Just that it feels it. A bit like when you live with someone before marriage and then have a wedding. Something changes, but you are not sure what. In many ways we are a partnership, cooking and tackling household chores together. We are out a lot as we pursue cultural interests, enjoy good food and wine and we travel a lot. We also give each other space, but be communicate too and maybe that is the crux of things. Ensuring we can express not only what we want and need, but what we feel about those things. I serve him but am not waiting on him hand and foot. He has the last word, but cares for my needs deeply. Plus he washes up, makes my morning coffee and can cook too.

Ever since he named me MPB, Master has called me his pleasing and pleasure bitch. Lately he has been calling me his precious bitch. When he takes my submission it provides him with the power he needs. But we also trust each other implicitly to take care of each other. Lately he has been doing rather more of that and for once in my life I have allowed that to happen. Perhaps, at last I am happy in my submissive self. Cared for, loved and precious.

tellmeabout
February Photofest

Our dynamic

Our relationship dynamic, Master / slave can be described as a total power exchange. I, the submissive person have given control for much of my life to my Dominant partner. This has been a gradual process over a period of almost 5 years. While working and living in my own house I always retained at least some responsibility for my needs. While there has been no visible change since I moved in with Master I sense a growth in his power over me, and my submission too.

For many people practicing BDSM is a part time pursuit, something that takes place in the bedroom, a club or dungeon. Where each takes a role, for the duration of that session. There may be rope, or impact play, one might take a dominate role and the other the bottom or submissive. Even perhaps, roles are switched depending on mood and partner. In the early days, we intended our relationship to be more about play. But it soon became clear that we wanted and needed something more. Once he had asked me to be his slave and we had begun to negotiate what that might mean, there was no looking back.

Over the past couple of weeks as the old year came to an end and this new one has started I have been reflecting on our relationship. This has partly come about through writing my end of year blog posts. But also because I have been doing some thinking and reading. Master also bought me a new collar, and just yesterday a ring arrived for my regular one. This will enable him to be able to use a lead more when we are playing.

Thoughts on my submission

Living here with Master has enabled me to give more control of my life to him. Before, I always felt I must retain control financially and of family situations. There was also work, which of course came with responsibilities. Although I am still making decisions about what I want to do, I am doing less telling and more asking about them. I have my own money and I can and do spend it. But we are living in his house and there is more dependence on my part. While this may have scared the life out of me in the past, it no longer does. Indeed it fills me with pleasure.

My illness has shown me that it is ok to rely on another for support and yes, decision making. But the funny thing is, I don’t feel the need to take the control I have given up back from him. Indeed, I can see myself giving up more and more. This is strange, since I didn’t even realise I had more to give.

For a long time I have resisted some of the signs of submission Master asked for. Ones related to dress (wearing underwear), my hair length and getting a tattoo, spring to mind, but there are others. It feels though that this year I should take the plunge and open myself up to becoming the slave I know he desires.

Thoughts on his dominance

Power is the major driver for Master. When we play, it is the very fact that my body reacts in the way it does, to his body and the toys he uses, that drives him. During sex, he loves that he can control me and my orgasms. He loves that he can call me names such as bitch and it excites me. Me being his property is something that we both acknowledge and that enables his dominance to shine though. In those moments I am slave, MPB, this girl.

When I gave myself to him totally I also gave my limits. We had agreed what they were and as we moved along the power exchange continuum I realised that he could and should own them. I can still call red (though I haven’t) and he will stop. My consent has been given for Master to make the decisions in the bedroom, playroom and in life. But importantly this is reaffirmed regularly. He does so in such a way that I must state that my limits belong to him and uttering those words make him feel more dominant. Nothing makes me happier.

I know this isn’t a relationship for everyone. I didn’t even know it was for me and indeed I do question it myself from time to time. But 2019 definitely feels like the year for an exploration into how far this dynamic might take us.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn’t far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn’t been far from this girl’s thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master’s help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren’t together, even when He can’t see her. That is the challenge.