Submission

I have written a lot about submission on this blog. The whole thing started with my discovery that I was a submissive person. That my need to please others, to lead a structured and orderly life had a name.

But what is clear from reading back, I really had no idea what I was getting into. I craved the control of another, for someone to take the lead, to tell me what I should do. But had no real idea the extent to which I wanted to be sexually dominated. Then once that had happened, that I would need so much more from my submission.

During 2012/13 when the whole consept of D/s was new to me I answered a series of questions (30 days of submission). Later when this relationship was new, in 2014 I revisited them. Links to the posts are here.

Key points from 2012 /13

Our D/s was mainly confined to the bedroom (and other places we had sex). Control came through the way S expected me to dress. Stockings and heels were his thing and I complied. I also started to wear more skirts and dresses.

When we were together there was a lot of sex. It was also pretty ritualistic, i.e. everything happened in a particular order. It was exciting, but it later transpired that he was busy ticking things off a D/s checklist.

This is not to undermine the great times we had together, or that I learnt a lot about sex and something about D/s.

Key points from 2014

The first thing I learnt when I met Master, was that all relationships (D/s or vanilla) are different. Next, I learned that I didn’t know as much about D/s, submission or BDSM as I thought.

It took me a while to work out if this submission thing was for real or play. Yes, there was quite a bit of play in those early days. But there was more to it. There were rules about dress and how we addressed each other. But there were other aspects of behaviour which Master sought to control from the start. Already, in May 2014 I had a view of the kind of submissive I might want to be.

Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.

18 May 2014
And today

I am the same person I was in 2012 and 2014. I enjoy being dominated in the play room or bedroom. I will follow rules, but often forget unless reminded. But the key element of my submission the extent to which I need to be controlled. I have handed over so much of the control I have over my own life that I almost feel like a different person.

That isn’t to say that I don’t make decisions for myself. But increasingly I feel the need to defer to him. I want him to take the lead and when he can’t for some reason I become anxious. I like that he has this power over me and when he is able to exert control it makes me feel safe and secure.

Submission is exactly what I thought it would be. But it is also very different. It is also something that is difficult to describe and no doubt I will need to return to.

Wayback when

I have a few photos that were taken before I regularly posted anything of myself. Wayback then, I was a little more worried about showing pictures of myself. Especially those of me in a somewhat compromising situation. Things have changed over the years.

This photo was taken at the very beginning of our relationship, almost exactly 5 years ago. At the end of our second or third playdate (I think). What you can’t see here (and I might show it another day) is my red pussy which had just been pumped. Not only did he clamp my nipples, but also used the zipper and spreader bar. The intensity of pain and of pleasure that day is something I can still remember even though I am short on details. It may have happened wayback when, but this is the first time I have shared this photo here.

February Photofest

The need for rules?

This girl has been wondering about rules, about whether she already has any and whether she needs any more (if she has them in the first place).

Why don’t you know if you have any? You may well ask (and probably are asking). Well it kind of isn’t like that. No rules as such are imposed. But over the past 3 months (yes it was 3 months yesterday since Sir and this girl met in person for the first time), subtle changes have taken place. Sir has exerted his Dominance over this girl and she has complied with his wishes (sometimes more readily than at other times).

Firstly there was the ownership of orgasms – this girl firstly should ask to be granted an orgasm and then she must tell Him that it belongs to Him, even if He is not present. Generally this girl needs few orgasms if he is not around, but if she does she complies with this rule. Of course in His presence, she asks if in a position to do so (i.e. able to speak) and likewise gives it to Him.

Next there was the whole third person thing. This girl thought perhaps He had done a little mad when He made this request. He said He felt it would help with this girl’s submission. She thought that unlikely and anyway couldn’t imagine doing it. Now, she writes this way most of the time, increasingly does when they are together and amazingly has started to think in that way A LOT of the time.

Then there is how this girl should refer to Him. Standard stuff – the Sir thing. Is this a rule? Not really, but this girl is increasingly comfortable with it. There are times increasingly when He is Master. He sees himself as this girl’s owner and so is her Master. Sometimes also He likes to be referred to as Lord. This girl can never quite tell if he is joking or not, but is not about to start calling Him Lord when they are out and about. Sir, on the other hand will happen pretty soon.

There are issues of behaviour. Of this girl remembering her place and role when she and Sir are out together. There are still signs of Julie coming through – of trying to take the lead. But fewer. This girl is much more comfortable with this, so much so that at times she likes him to order for her completely. She is less worried at knowing exactly what they will be doing and where they will be going. She trusts Him and wants Him to take control much much more in this way (please).

Lastly (i think), there is hair. He requested that this girl doesn’t completely shave, but leaves a small ‘bush’ for Him to play with and wipe himself on (though He hasn’t done the latter yet). This girl has happily complied and the hair is starting to return nicely to the area that He marked out.

No this girl doesn’t have or need rules……does she?