Revising my goals for 2020

Well this year has turned out a little different than expected. When I posted my goals for the year on 31st December and 1st January none of us knew what was in store for us. But since the only certainty right now is not knowing how long things will be different it’s time to review and revise those goals.

Goal 1 was about planning

For the first 3 months of the year I was really diligent about planning, reviewing and keeping up with my achievements. I love my planner and am now glad I didn’t buy one with pre-printed dates. When gradually your appointments and plans disappear from sight, it is difficult to see the point of planning every day. At the beginning of the year I was writing for several memes each week. Now I feel unable to write for many of them and sadly Masturbation Monday has gone on hiatus.

So. It’s time to stop using the memes as my planning tool and instead think about what topics I want to write about. Then if they fit somewhere and I want to join I’ll do so. It’s a shame as the memes are great drivers of traffic.

Goal 2 was about getting fit and healthy

I was massively focused on this goal because I assumed I was going to have reconstruction surgery by the autumn. My new blog and it’s own meme was to be one of my tools. But as lockdown began I struggled to find purpose in either losing weight or in writing on the blog. For many weeks my weight plateaued. I had just received my 1 stone award – the last slimming world group before lockdown. Now though my weight is creeping up. The main culprit I know is wine. We’ve slipped back into old ways and I’ve got very bad at saying no. Our slimming groups continue, but via zoom. We all weigh ourselves at home and then send the weight to the consultant.

But there has been little incentive to make progress. Often I don’t hold myself accountable and it’s difficult for the consultant and group from afar. Plus, of course everyone is dealing with lockdown issues that are thrown at them. whether it is the loss of a job, home schooling or health worries.

This is one goal that has to stand. I want to be fit and healthy whether I have surgery or not. So, I plan to focus on putting the right things in my mouth and to losing weight. Even though I can’t go swimming I can walk and I will try to double down on better diet and exercise choices.

Goal 3 was about my new blog

Who starts a new meme and chooses a prompt about eating out just as the world’s restaurants close? Me that’s who.

I was really starting to get into my new Food, Fitness and Health blog by mid March and was writing regularly. But I can’t deny it’s been a struggle. I am now planning to devote more time to it. I have made the For the Health of it Meme monthly and hope that with some more promotion I can get things going. This month’s For the Health of it prompt is – Hopes and Fears for the future. Head over and take a look.

Goal 4 was about making improvements to the blog

This will be my main project for the coming months. I want to think about the style, to create a gallery of my photos and to improve elements such as ‘all about me’. I was thinking about trying to monetise the blog and haven’t ruled that out. But I know I am less driven than many of my smutlancer colleagues. I’m not looking for a job as such and like to write for fun.

I am however really enjoying being a smutlancer, even though I’m not doing the ‘lancing’ bit. We have a great and very supportive group of people who support, critique and make suggestions about each other’s work. Kayla and Molly are there to oversee and provide advice and guidance. But it isn’t about them telling us what we should do, instead it’s much much more of a team approach. I know that if I want to start pitching for work I have the support network around me. There’s also help with the more technical issues and our Slack channel is great for bouncing ideas off each other. It’s fabulous value for $5-50 per month. I highly recommend it.

Goal 5 was about writing more fiction

This is something I have actually achieved. Indeed at times I’ve found it easier to write fiction than about my dull life. I plan to do much more.

Goal 6 was about getting divorced

My Decree Absolute came through in April and so I have achieved that. 🙂

Goal 7 was about earning some money

I started a project for my ex employers at the beginning of the year. Sadly I’m not sure the recommendations will ever get implemented due to Covid. Plus, I’m still waiting to get paid which is a bit irritating. I’ve also discovered that the person who took my job and who I thought was a friend is great at gas lighting people. Still, you live and learn.

I have earned some money from working during the pandemic though and though it’s not much it is welcome. On balance I don’t think I’m going to worry about looking for a job or anything. Though I may change my mind when I start spending more money.

My Blogging Mojo has disappeared

Head In Her Hands Free Stock Photo - Public Domain Pictures

For the first time in forever I didn’t post a Sinful Sunday image. Not because I didn’t have one, but because I just couldn’t be bothered. I was offered the opportunity to join our Smutlancer productiveness group for a Zoom call yesterday afternoon, I turned that down too. Instead I decided some of my never ending needlepoint (4 years and counting). This is a new feeling for me. I am not feeling my blog in a way I’ve not felt it before. So, I’m here to write about it. Otherwise it might be another week or 3 before I look in here again.

Some thoughts about the reasons for my lack of blogging mojo are as follows:

Life is getting me down

I know life mid pandemic is getting lots of us down. Plus, my life is in many ways the same as it was before so I have little to moan about. I’m getting sex, possibly more than my libido demands, though my submissive side has gone a little AWOL. This isn’t a real issue, I’m sure given the right circumstances I’ll find it pretty damn quick. But really the never ending nature of this situation is getting me down.

At the beginning I decided that planning and setting about achieving my to do list was the way to get through. I wrote, went for my walk often aimlessly looking at the closed shops in town and got on with painting the hallway. I had an idea I’d paint the kitchen next, once we decluttered the living room and my new blinds arrived. The factory making the blinds closed the same week as the recycling centre did. Ok, I thought I’ll persevere through a few weeks of lockdown and then pick up my projects. So I blogged, walked and kept up my Duolingo French. Even as my chances of going there to practice this year began to slip away.

Numerous weeks later I find myself struggling to want to do anything at all. I don’t always go out to walk even in good weather and have lost my resolve not to drink wine midweek. Plus, I really don’t feel much like writing about a world that I don’t know when (or if) will return. Even erotica feels a fantasy too far.

I blogged so much in February, March and April it’s no wonder my blogging mojo has gone

Struggling to write in May and June is not unusual for me. My pattern of blogging tends to be the same. Lots of effort in January (new year, new planner), Photography in February, An urge to write after the photography in March and then April A-Z.

Plus I started a new blog about food, fitness and health and immediately found my desire to write on it disappear. I’ve had to prioritise writing here because it’s more established and I have invested much more in it. The effort of running two sites is much higher than I imagined it to be. Even with little else to do in my life. The end result has been not writing for either. Then there are the memes.

Some memes are now tainted

Every week I used to use Rebel’s SoSS post to list out my writing plan for the week (or longer given those that are biweekly and monthly). But one of the fallouts from the gender identity / misgendering shit storm was that I lost and was blocked by twitter ‘friends’. This made it easy to not write for their memes. I really don’t want to judge them for their mistakes as others are much better at that than me. I know members of the trans blogging community would rather we didn’t support blogs and memes belonging to those who have misgendered them or liked posts that did. But I just can’t be that simplistic in my approach to blogging.

I don’t want to upset anyone but I want to be free to choose what I write about and where I link it. I want people to get on, but at the same time won’t tolerate bigotry, unkindness and intolerance. Over the past few weeks I’ve spent time trying to learn more about the issues raised by the trans blogging community and I hope others will do the same. I only ever write on a topic that speaks to me, or link more generally if I want to. But I don’t want to feel wrong for doing so any more than I want this to be the only reason for boycotting. I know plenty of people don’t agree with me, but this is what feels right for me. In the future that may change as new memes appear on the scene and I find my place within them. I also understand that sitting on the fence is not an option, in the end I may well make a different decision on this.

Work

Usually at this time of year we are planning to go on holiday, we should have been leaving for France and Spain in a couple of weeks. Knowing this wasn’t going to happen I volunteered to join the nursing workforce and go back to work. For various reasons I received training for the role assigned to me but never got to do any actual work. The good thing is that this meant that the local Covid situation was settling. But it made me feel without purpose. My mood sank and I struggled for motivation for the most simple of tasks.

Thankfully a new opportunity has arisen and I am about to start in a contact tracing role. This work is from home and so safer. It will also be vital to getting this country moving again. I’ll be speaking on the phone to confirmed cases and their contacts. Advising their health, advising them on how to prevent spread and what they might need to tell others. Not being able to see people and hold their hand is an alien thing for a nurse, but hopefully it will be worthwhile and fulfilling.

I’m not going to be able to write about work, but I hope that with a new purpose I’ll feel freer to write about sex, relationships, kink and everything else.

Interestingly for someone unable to write, this post is over 1000 words. Go me!

When I grow up

I don’t remember when I decided that I wanted to be a nurse, but I was pretty young.

As a child

I wasn’t massively into dolls as a child, but they made damn good patients. Why childhood reading often concentrated on stories about illness and recovery. I read stories about nurses, but also ones about being sick. The best ones were written by people who had been sick as children. I bandaged and splinted the dolls limbs and at every opportunity used a younger child as a patient. My brothers soon grew wise, so I had to wait till my parents friends arrived with their offspring. Little girls love to play house (or they did in the late 60’s) and took little persuasion to play hospitals instead.

Teenage me

The careers advisor was happy that I had already decided my career path. One less person to bother with. In the library there was an area devoted to further education and careers information. There I found the addresses of some London hospitals and wrote to 4 or 5.

The first couple of interviews weren’t successful. I hadn’t worked out why I wanted a career in nursing and gave some stupid answers to their questions. But I learned and was accepted at two prestigious hospitals. I was advised to do some work experience over the summer I was 18. Back then (unlike when my son was at secondary school) work experience wasn’t organised at school. So 17 year old me sorted it for myself.

The two week experience on a surgical ward was interesting and a massive eye opener. It was a bit weird as the father of one of my best friends was a patient on the ward, but I sensibly told the staff and managed to stay clear of him. Not put off by this experience, in the autumn of 1980 at 18 years and 2 months I started my nurse training.

Grown up me and nursing

I worked as a clinical nurse for 20 years, in a variety of specialities. I was a district nursing sister (just like my childhood idol Sue Barton) and a specialist nurse in rheumatology. Then I left for the world of management and a 9-5 existence.

Nursing is definitely a grown up job and not for the faint hearted. At 18 I was nursing patients with terminal cancer. A patient suffered a stroke while I was undergoing a practical assessment (not my fault) and in my second year one of my patients burst his femoral arteries in my face.

But nursing has made me the person I am. It has taught me about human kindness. Most people do care and will go above and beyond to help others. But also it has shown me that not everyone is truthful or indeed pleasant. People really will lie to your face and they will stab you in the back (not literally of course).

I got out of nursing because I was tired, fatigued by trying to care in difficult circumstances. I took a break and never went back and know it was the right thing to do.

What would I like to do be paid for now?

Well I would like to find a way to be paid for writing. In a way that does happen now as since leaving my job last year I have had a couple of professional jobs doing that. But I would love to make this blog pay. I’d love to write about something other than healthcare and get paid for it. Time and effort will tell.

#F4TFriday

365 Questions – Day 37; Torture

If you could do today over, would you change anything? 

 
Maybe I wouldn’t wake up at 4am having a night sweat – the misery of the menopause – then I wouldn’t have struggled to get out of bed this morning. On the other hand, maybe I would change the day from one that I had to work, to one where I was tortured like this………
 
 
 
 

Back to reality

There is something reassuring about being back in your usual routine after a period away from it. I quite like home, my own bed, the shower which is all too often more efficient than the ones you get in hotels, a choice of the entire wardrobe, a comfy sofa…..

All of those things have been an enjoyable part of being home. What has been less so has been the return to work and the feeling that I am trapped in a time warp where everything remains as it was in December and that to be honest, I don’t really want to be there. The health service feels like a hamster wheel; it is January so we must be worrying about our budget allocations (announced in time for Christmas), the contracts which will start in April, service specifications, KPIs and stuff like that. Round and round we go and to be frank I would really like to get off.

Added to that is the virus I managed to pick up on my last day or two in Spain and which has developed into a full blown cold complete with a feverishness which has me feeling a little ropey during the day and adds to my menopausal night sweats and prevents proper sleep. I find it hard to believe I have gone from the calm and well rested being managing to get 8 hours plus sleep a night to this in such a short time.

What is more, Master is still in Spain. While I am enduring the torture of work and the stresses of failing to give up my nightly gin and tonics he is busy swanning around Seville enjoying himself and updating Facebook with the evidence. Not that I begrudge him his fun, of course I don’t.

Ok, so I am just feeling a little sorry for myself, even though (apart from the virus) there is little to feel sorry about. I had an amazing 3 week holiday, I am still reasonably rested, the stresses of work are mostly passing over my head and any irritation I feel about Facebook photos of ham, fish and triple parking outside his apartment are just plain jealously that he is there and I am here.

Skyping with him of a night provides a reminder of our separation, but we both know it only has another 9 days to go. I plan to join him in Spain next weekend to accompany him back on the ferry home. A weekend together again will be fun and it will give me some slave time. He mentioned my lack of contract compliance last night, and it is true that I am not always the perfect slave girl. But in the main, I am coping well with this separation even if I would rather be there with him. I am enduring work in the knowledge that pay day will arrive and that I like to buy nice things.

Maybe the reality of normal life isn’t so bad. All I need now is to shake off the cold and get myself a good nights sleep. Maybe tonight I will request an orgasm to help with that…………

One sleep

The little christmas tree is packed along with my clothes, shoes and everything else. I need to add one of my plugs, which I know Master will want taken along.

He texted this afternoon to say that he has packed both clothes and sex toys, but that he was now moving onto more important things  – his books, if I know him. You really have to love the style of the man. I also have my books, some sewing and I will have my blog to write along the way.

It’s funny how when you plan a trip it seems so far away, both in distance and time. Then suddenly with a flurry of activity it is upon you. This week has flown by – Sunday lunch for the family, an evening with my mum, on the day that would have been my dad’s birthday and then yesterday when I missed the office party to go and buy my toiletries and other things at the supermarket and got stuck in some awful traffic. Work has been hectic. Until today which was suddenly calm and ordered until 3pm when I realised that a set of minutes hadn’t been typed up by my admin.

Now though all that is done.

I am pretty much ready for my Christmas with Master.

Let the fun begin!

My favourite British Christmas song!!!

One of those general update things

On Friday we leave on our next trip away, this time an over night ferry to Spain and then over the following few days, France, across the Pyrenees.

This week has been about finishing up things at work. It has been about catching up with my son (and reclaiming the suitcase he borrowed) and tomorrow it will be about having dinner with my mum, doing her shopping and generally making sure all is well with her.

The last few days before holiday, when you are unwinding while being thoroughly wound up at work can be challenging. Generally I feel calm, though sleep patterns are a little disturbed, suggesting that I am less calm than I want to believe.

Friday morning, I go to be weighed. The slimming thing is going relatively well – I am trying to follow the plan, but often find myself choosing taste over what is advised. Having said that, I am enjoying eating more healthily and enjoying more that my clothes fit better and that I am definitely slimmer. But it seems that it is the hair cut that has made the most difference – apparently short hair makes me look younger and slimmer!

Then me and my luggage will travel to Master’s house and from there we will travel to the port and away from my not even very stressful life.

I am not sure I will be writing much here, but plan to fill some gaps with the 30 days of kink project / meme thing.

Hopefully while we are away there will be kink. But definitely there will be some life that is worth blogging about.

Whatever happens, there will be something over the next couple of weeks.

Disorganised

For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert – I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required – I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don’t need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven’t forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn’t in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can’t contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn’t respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don’t like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal – up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don’t want to cause him stress. I also don’t want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.

A better day

After my brief, but miserable update last night, I am pleased to say I am feeling a whole lot better. While I still don’t have a job post April, I do have one now. What is more I have had some time today to discuss things with colleagues and to reflect. I have found another job to apply for and have chatted to that particular boss.

I have also spent an hour with Sir (through the power of Skype). That has helped me immensely. He has a way of making me feel so much better. He is great at listening and then of making me smile; perhaps that is one of the reasons I value his opinion so much. After half an hour or more of good vanilla chat, we moved on and discussed what we would like to be doing with each other. As ever this made me very wet. I was then pleased to show him that I was wearing stockings and suspenders, no knickers, which I know pleased him.

That time together was just what I needed. I was allowed to cum and for that I am both grateful and a little fulfilled this afternoon. We chatted about the upcoming Christmas festivities and about me visiting him in the new year. We also reflected on the great things we have done over the last 9 months.

Today, then I am feeling a whole lot happier and extremely grateful. For him and for the lovely friends I have made through my blog – thanks for all of the support you give me guys.

Plus I only have 2 more working days till I finish for Christmas and that I might say is a very good thing!

Bad to worse

There is no kinkiness in my life right now, just a life trying to pacify hubby and the need to sort out a job.

I work for the Health Service in England and we are being massively reorganised. My current job will not exist after April and I have been required to apply for a new job. Today, two things happened. Firstly I received a letter telling me I am now at risk of redundancy (if I fail to find another suitable job by the end of March) and Secondly I failed to secure the job for which I was interviewed last Friday. I have been offered a lifeline in that though I failed to reach the required level during interview I have been asked to reapply (quite strange I know).

What I would like now is to be with my Sir.

I would like to be able to submit to Him. I would like to be bound, wearing a corset perhaps, being taken from behind.

I don’t know when I can next be with Him. But I know it is what I want and what I need.

Other than that, I don’t really know what to say……..

I have Christmas presents to wrap and instead I will head off to wrap them……….