When I grow up

I don’t remember when I decided that I wanted to be a nurse, but I was pretty young.

As a child

I wasn’t massively into dolls as a child, but they made damn good patients. Why childhood reading often concentrated on stories about illness and recovery. I read stories about nurses, but also ones about being sick. The best ones were written by people who had been sick as children. I bandaged and splinted the dolls limbs and at every opportunity used a younger child as a patient. My brothers soon grew wise, so I had to wait till my parents friends arrived with their offspring. Little girls love to play house (or they did in the late 60’s) and took little persuasion to play hospitals instead.

Teenage me

The careers advisor was happy that I had already decided my career path. One less person to bother with. In the library there was an area devoted to further education and careers information. There I found the addresses of some London hospitals and wrote to 4 or 5.

The first couple of interviews weren’t successful. I hadn’t worked out why I wanted a career in nursing and gave some stupid answers to their questions. But I learned and was accepted at two prestigious hospitals. I was advised to do some work experience over the summer I was 18. Back then (unlike when my son was at secondary school) work experience wasn’t organised at school. So 17 year old me sorted it for myself.

The two week experience on a surgical ward was interesting and a massive eye opener. It was a bit weird as the father of one of my best friends was a patient on the ward, but I sensibly told the staff and managed to stay clear of him. Not put off by this experience, in the autumn of 1980 at 18 years and 2 months I started my nurse training.

Grown up me and nursing

I worked as a clinical nurse for 20 years, in a variety of specialities. I was a district nursing sister (just like my childhood idol Sue Barton) and a specialist nurse in rheumatology. Then I left for the world of management and a 9-5 existence.

Nursing is definitely a grown up job and not for the faint hearted. At 18 I was nursing patients with terminal cancer. A patient suffered a stroke while I was undergoing a practical assessment (not my fault) and in my second year one of my patients burst his femoral arteries in my face.

But nursing has made me the person I am. It has taught me about human kindness. Most people do care and will go above and beyond to help others. But also it has shown me that not everyone is truthful or indeed pleasant. People really will lie to your face and they will stab you in the back (not literally of course).

I got out of nursing because I was tired, fatigued by trying to care in difficult circumstances. I took a break and never went back and know it was the right thing to do.

What would I like to do be paid for now?

Well I would like to find a way to be paid for writing. In a way that does happen now as since leaving my job last year I have had a couple of professional jobs doing that. But I would love to make this blog pay. I’d love to write about something other than healthcare and get paid for it. Time and effort will tell.

#F4TFriday

365 Questions – Day 37; Torture

If you could do today over, would you change anything? 

 
Maybe I wouldn’t wake up at 4am having a night sweat – the misery of the menopause – then I wouldn’t have struggled to get out of bed this morning. On the other hand, maybe I would change the day from one that I had to work, to one where I was tortured like this………
 
 
 
 

Back to reality

There is something reassuring about being back in your usual routine after a period away from it. I quite like home, my own bed, the shower which is all too often more efficient than the ones you get in hotels, a choice of the entire wardrobe, a comfy sofa…..

All of those things have been an enjoyable part of being home. What has been less so has been the return to work and the feeling that I am trapped in a time warp where everything remains as it was in December and that to be honest, I don’t really want to be there. The health service feels like a hamster wheel; it is January so we must be worrying about our budget allocations (announced in time for Christmas), the contracts which will start in April, service specifications, KPIs and stuff like that. Round and round we go and to be frank I would really like to get off.

Added to that is the virus I managed to pick up on my last day or two in Spain and which has developed into a full blown cold complete with a feverishness which has me feeling a little ropey during the day and adds to my menopausal night sweats and prevents proper sleep. I find it hard to believe I have gone from the calm and well rested being managing to get 8 hours plus sleep a night to this in such a short time.

What is more, Master is still in Spain. While I am enduring the torture of work and the stresses of failing to give up my nightly gin and tonics he is busy swanning around Seville enjoying himself and updating Facebook with the evidence. Not that I begrudge him his fun, of course I don’t.

Ok, so I am just feeling a little sorry for myself, even though (apart from the virus) there is little to feel sorry about. I had an amazing 3 week holiday, I am still reasonably rested, the stresses of work are mostly passing over my head and any irritation I feel about Facebook photos of ham, fish and triple parking outside his apartment are just plain jealously that he is there and I am here.

Skyping with him of a night provides a reminder of our separation, but we both know it only has another 9 days to go. I plan to join him in Spain next weekend to accompany him back on the ferry home. A weekend together again will be fun and it will give me some slave time. He mentioned my lack of contract compliance last night, and it is true that I am not always the perfect slave girl. But in the main, I am coping well with this separation even if I would rather be there with him. I am enduring work in the knowledge that pay day will arrive and that I like to buy nice things.

Maybe the reality of normal life isn’t so bad. All I need now is to shake off the cold and get myself a good nights sleep. Maybe tonight I will request an orgasm to help with that…………

One sleep

The little christmas tree is packed along with my clothes, shoes and everything else. I need to add one of my plugs, which I know Master will want taken along.

He texted this afternoon to say that he has packed both clothes and sex toys, but that he was now moving onto more important things  – his books, if I know him. You really have to love the style of the man. I also have my books, some sewing and I will have my blog to write along the way.

It’s funny how when you plan a trip it seems so far away, both in distance and time. Then suddenly with a flurry of activity it is upon you. This week has flown by – Sunday lunch for the family, an evening with my mum, on the day that would have been my dad’s birthday and then yesterday when I missed the office party to go and buy my toiletries and other things at the supermarket and got stuck in some awful traffic. Work has been hectic. Until today which was suddenly calm and ordered until 3pm when I realised that a set of minutes hadn’t been typed up by my admin.

Now though all that is done.

I am pretty much ready for my Christmas with Master.

Let the fun begin!

My favourite British Christmas song!!!

One of those general update things

On Friday we leave on our next trip away, this time an over night ferry to Spain and then over the following few days, France, across the Pyrenees.

This week has been about finishing up things at work. It has been about catching up with my son (and reclaiming the suitcase he borrowed) and tomorrow it will be about having dinner with my mum, doing her shopping and generally making sure all is well with her.

The last few days before holiday, when you are unwinding while being thoroughly wound up at work can be challenging. Generally I feel calm, though sleep patterns are a little disturbed, suggesting that I am less calm than I want to believe.

Friday morning, I go to be weighed. The slimming thing is going relatively well – I am trying to follow the plan, but often find myself choosing taste over what is advised. Having said that, I am enjoying eating more healthily and enjoying more that my clothes fit better and that I am definitely slimmer. But it seems that it is the hair cut that has made the most difference – apparently short hair makes me look younger and slimmer!

Then me and my luggage will travel to Master’s house and from there we will travel to the port and away from my not even very stressful life.

I am not sure I will be writing much here, but plan to fill some gaps with the 30 days of kink project / meme thing.

Hopefully while we are away there will be kink. But definitely there will be some life that is worth blogging about.

Whatever happens, there will be something over the next couple of weeks.

Disorganised

For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert – I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required – I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don’t need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven’t forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn’t in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can’t contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn’t respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don’t like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal – up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don’t want to cause him stress. I also don’t want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.

A better day

After my brief, but miserable update last night, I am pleased to say I am feeling a whole lot better. While I still don’t have a job post April, I do have one now. What is more I have had some time today to discuss things with colleagues and to reflect. I have found another job to apply for and have chatted to that particular boss.

I have also spent an hour with Sir (through the power of Skype). That has helped me immensely. He has a way of making me feel so much better. He is great at listening and then of making me smile; perhaps that is one of the reasons I value his opinion so much. After half an hour or more of good vanilla chat, we moved on and discussed what we would like to be doing with each other. As ever this made me very wet. I was then pleased to show him that I was wearing stockings and suspenders, no knickers, which I know pleased him.

That time together was just what I needed. I was allowed to cum and for that I am both grateful and a little fulfilled this afternoon. We chatted about the upcoming Christmas festivities and about me visiting him in the new year. We also reflected on the great things we have done over the last 9 months.

Today, then I am feeling a whole lot happier and extremely grateful. For him and for the lovely friends I have made through my blog – thanks for all of the support you give me guys.

Plus I only have 2 more working days till I finish for Christmas and that I might say is a very good thing!

Bad to worse

There is no kinkiness in my life right now, just a life trying to pacify hubby and the need to sort out a job.

I work for the Health Service in England and we are being massively reorganised. My current job will not exist after April and I have been required to apply for a new job. Today, two things happened. Firstly I received a letter telling me I am now at risk of redundancy (if I fail to find another suitable job by the end of March) and Secondly I failed to secure the job for which I was interviewed last Friday. I have been offered a lifeline in that though I failed to reach the required level during interview I have been asked to reapply (quite strange I know).

What I would like now is to be with my Sir.

I would like to be able to submit to Him. I would like to be bound, wearing a corset perhaps, being taken from behind.

I don’t know when I can next be with Him. But I know it is what I want and what I need.

Other than that, I don’t really know what to say……..

I have Christmas presents to wrap and instead I will head off to wrap them……….

Interlude

From tomorrow afternoon, for a bit over a week, this will be the view from my door. On that table will be wine, cheese, baguettes and a host of other goodies. i am going to stroll along that beach, swim in that sea and i am going to generally let myself unwind. My thoughts will probably frequently turn to Sir, thinking about what he might be doing. i will also reflect on some of the wonderful things we have done together over recent months and begin to think about the future times we will share. Mostly though i will read, catch some sun rays (there has been something of an absence of sun and warmth in the UK this summer), eat some nice food, drink some nice wine, walk, chat with our friends who live nearby and unwind.

Work has made me tired, it has been busy, but also we have the stress of knowing that from April 2013 structures of our services will have changed. When i return from my break i will have to start the process of applying for jobs (my own if it exists, or another if it doesn’t). This is a good time to pause, reflect and recharge.

When i return i will have a few more days off, which i will need to catch up on everyone’s blogs! See you then!

One day

One day until i see Sir. We have chatted a lot this week about what we will do tomorrow. We are meeting in a public place as strangers (no details until after the event) then going to the place we have arranged to stay. Because we have had time, we have fine tuned the scene and our roles within it. i am pretty sure however that i will be one of the only people there wearing stockings on a baking hot day, mind you they will be flesh coloured so people probably won’t know. Humiliation will be involved (you would expect no less from me) and i will be able to demonstrate that i am Sir’s slut. This picture gives some idea of what my morning thoughts have been about today and what i am thinking about doing tomorrow (among other things).

i am pleased to say i have been pretty rigid when it comes to following my planned diet and fitness plan, and that has paid off. i have lost 4lb in weight. i have managed to meet all of the goals i set for the week and plan to increase the aerobic exercise to 4 times this week (though may end up calling events with Sir one of them)! I am so pleased i managed not to slip up on the alcohol front, especially as work was so busy. i have slipped into a routine whereby if i have a hectic day i reward myself with a glass of wine. Trouble is i follow it with another and then over half the bottle is gone (i know i need smaller glasses). i have had no wine at all this week and instead have had a couple of gin and tonics on Friday and Saturday. i feel better for it and intend carrying this on for the foreseeable future. I was very proud of myself when a work colleague brought cakes in for their birthday and i didn’t even go and look at them. For next week i hope to keep this up, take my lunch in to work every day and to go out for a quick walk each lunchtime.

Today and tomorrow i will reaffirm my submission to myself by wearing no panties. i know Mrs Soft Bottom is exploring this side of herself and has for the first time gone to work commando. i have discovered that not only is having all my girly bits naked kind of invigorating i find it a reminder, all day long that i am doing this for Him and that i am His submissive. Soon i will be a slightly slimmer submissive who can wear my lovely corset for Him with pride.