Quick update

i had a lovely weekend in Barcelona, with good company and some long awaited sun! i have returned with some rare sunburn, i am usually so careful and i really don’t know how i managed to let it happen. Lets just say that it was a very windy day, i went in the sea after lunch and didn’t reapply the cream in enough time. Hopefully by the time i see Sir next week i will be a slightly browner shade of red!

Other than the one day on the beach, we did the tourist thing – at last i got to see the inside of Gaudi’s great Sagrada Famillia and i wasn’t disappointed. i really love Barcelona for its mix of arty culture, good food, drink and the beach. The only thing that made it difficult was my continuing anxiety about my current relationship with hubby versus a desire to be with Sir.

The relationship i have with hubby is fine enough, but if i say that he didn’t seem bothered that we had been given a twin room rather than a double you might get the sense of where we are right now. Our lack of physical contact goes un noticed however and my brother, who we were with assumes that we are fine and we will go on forever. The fact that no one sees what i feel as a general sense of unhappiness is in one way a good thing, but in another feels like a lack of awareness of the needs of others – in essence me.

i have chatted online to Sir. i don’t know if he has read the blog but if he has it hasn’t done anything to ruin things between us. i will broach the subject with him, maybe tonight. A week tomorrow we should be getting to spend at least one whole night together and maybe more. Hubby is going on a bachelor weekend trip and i get something of a breather. i think i will need it.

Not much from me in the last week, but i intend to write lots over the weekend, when time is on my side.

Mixed Feelings

Today is my Wedding Anniversary. Hubby and i have been married for 28 years, this by anyones reckoning is a very long time. i am not necessarily good at remembering past events in detail, but i am pretty sure i remember large parts of this one, even down to the weather. It was a cloudy but warm day and rained during the evening. Like most  young brides i went into the whole thing full of romance, nearly as much in love with the idea of the wedding as i was with my new husband.

You could describe the last 28 years as a rollercoaser. At various times i have considered myself content and happily married and at other times much much less so. The first few years were particularly tricky, i remember the period soon after the wedding when i confided in a friend that marriage was less exciting than i had expected. I couldn’t put my finger on why i wasn’t completely happy since hubby hadn’t done anything wrong at them time. We had a party when we had been married for 5 years. I arranged it because i felt that against some kind of odds we had reached a milestone. He rewarded me by having an affair with a woman from work which continued until after my son was born. I vividly remember going out with family members for my 30th birthday, without my husband who i told them was working away (actually that was what he told me and i kind of believed him).

My bubble burst one day as i stood in my dining room ironing, my toddler son near by. The woman turned up on my door step and confronted me, saying she loved my husband. i have gone through what happened next many many times. i was angry with her but more so with him. i might have hit her if i was that kind of person, we spoke for a few minutes and somehow i got her to leave. She followed the visit with a long letter about the things they did together and the fact that they were engaged. i think that may well have been a low point in my life!

Just as i had been in love with getting married, i now became obsessed with keeping my husband from ‘that’ woman! i fought for him, i told him i loved him, i didn’t want him to go. In truth, i think i was more worried about the implications of being left alone, of having to face people as a single parent than in working through the implications of staying married to a man i neither trusted nor really fancied any more.

For a long time i found sex with him really difficult. i would be turned on, i would want us to make love but then once he touched me, i would immediately feel revolted by him and turned off. i realised that i might have made a mistake but once again fear led me to just get on with it.

The last 15 years have been better in terms of us living together as a family. Hubby and i have learnt to manage our life together and at times we have had some reasonable sex. My not wanting him to touch me all those years ago though have led directly to him thinking that there is no need for foreplay and our ‘lovemaking’ has been something that occurs infrequently and is over in minutes.

Marriage is about more than sex, whatever form that sex takes. We have concentrated on providing a safe and loving environment for our son to grow up in. We have loved each other, how could you remain together for so long and not love each other? I no longer hate him in the way i once did, i am no longer repulsed by his touch, but i am not sexually attracted to him.

Today we will go out for lunch for our anniversary, it will be a nice occasion but not quite romantic. Neither of us minds. We are marking the occasion which feels right but we both know, even if we don’t speak the words that we are unlikely to reach 30. Going it alone after such a long time feels pretty scary, but i really don’t think it would be fair on either of us to keep up a facade that has gone on for too long.

Why do I let myself get wound up?

I didn’t hear from Sir until last evening. Not one word from when i left His house on Friday night, until 7.20pm last night (Monday). He had been busy with family, firstly with his mum and then his children who are still quite young. He seems a great dad who does lots with his kids, He is the kind of dad I wished for my own son and didn’t always get (not that hubby has been in anyway bad, just not creative or massively active). Then on Monday He was working (as of course was I).

i knew this was likely the case, but because i had sent a text to let him know i was safely home, an email to say thanks for a great day on Saturday, then a text on Monday morning to ask if all was ok and got no replies i worked myself up into a state of angst.

One version of my mad mind had Him ill, dead or in some way incapacitated. Another had him deciding that i was not to be bothered with (though he bought me the lovely lingerie and gave no impression he was repulsed by me, quite the contrary). Finally i decided i was probably doomed to spend the next few weeks, months, years even carrying on with the dullness that is my current home life.

Of course deep inside i knew the truth. Last night i gently chided Him that i was a bit worried that i hadn’t heard from Him (without going over board). i did feel a little silly though, just as i should!

Struggling with the inner me

Struggling to cope with my life this weekend. A weaker person might throw in the towel, one way or the other, but i am not a weak person. i am however struggling with my inner voice, the one that alternately tells me to tell hubby the truth and then to keep up this facade.

i haven’t heard from Sir since Friday. i am a little annoyed about this, though i know it is probably because he is busy with his children. i expect we will chat later tonight, but again i am fighting my inner voice that wants me to ring him, text him, email him or all three. i just sent an email with a link to a website i think he might like and saying that i hope that he is having a good weekend. But i want to say so much more.

Last night i drank too much; some wine, followed by two G&Ts. i started on hubby but he knows better than to rise to me in that situation. i shouldn’t have had the gin, it brings out the inner me and i need it hidden right now. Luckily, i was very tired and sensibly went to bed.

i suppose i never thought all of this would be easy, but at the same time, i didn’t realise how difficult it would be to keep the inner me in its place. Question is though: am i doing myself a disservice by keeping it out of site?

All Quiet

All aspects of my life are pretty quiet and low key this weekend. Sir is camping with his son and the Scouts some place in the south of the country. He is out of contact, as he should be. i know that when he creeps out from the Scout camp he is partying with friends. His life is much more interesting than mine (as you might expect). My son is staying with his UK University friends and is attending end of term festivities and probably getting drunk. My husband is making the sofa, on which he has taken up residence, sink in the middle. The Euro Championships (football) have started and will keep him occupied for a couple of weeks!

The sun is out and though it is cool, rather than especially summery, it gives me a good feeling. i have been able to get on with some gardening at last. Yesterday i spent a theraputic couple of hours pulling all those weeds that grow when you get a cycle of rain, sun and more rain! Today i am going to buy flowers to fill my garden with some more colour.

After last weekend, for a few days this week i felt a bit down. i thought maybe i was suffering a bit of subdrop (having read about this on some other blogs lately), but actually it was probably nothing more than PMT. Often before my period i get a feeling of overwhelming unhappiness and impending doom. Because of my age and the fact that there is more chance of a UFO crashing in my garden than me ever being pregnant again i don’t always attend to dates, so the arrival of said period yesterday, took me by surprise. i am cheered that timing this month was good and i am further cheered now by the lifting of the PMT. i am also cheered by the prospect of flowers, of sunny weather and of the opportunity to chat to Sir later and perhaps plan another get together.

Sometimes quiet is good.

Almost too excited

Two events will happen at the end of this week. The first one will be when my son arrives home from the USA on Friday. He has been studying in California for the last academic year, though he did come home for Christmas. We went over to see him for his birthday in February, meeting his American girlfriend, some of his friends and taking him to Vegas!

Saturday sees hubby going on an annual day to the races which will enable Sir and i to have a day out in the great Britich outdoors (please let the weather hold)!

So i am almost too excited to work (though of course i am functioning fine at work). i am anxious about getting the son’s room ready in time (carpet arrives Thursday; yes i am cutting it fine). Plus Sir and i are almost over planning the day we will have (online and this morning on the phone). Sir has in mind some naked outdoor play, some bondage, nipple clamps (if he has bought them), lots of naughty sex, food (there will always be food as sex makes Sir very hungry) and fun. We always have fun.

In a way i dont want to get Friday over – i just want it to arrive. Your baby is always your baby and i so want to see him. But a day with Sir. Well I want that too!