Calmness

Life has been busy.

Work has been busy. 
Sometimes my mum winds me up. Other people wind me up; namely my lazy younger brother and my ex (though thankfully not at the same time).
But what has occurred to me over the past few days, as I have taken time to reflect, is that I really am a much calmer person these days. I really don’t get particularly stressed or worked up. I would go as far as to say I am essentially a calmer person than I have ever been in my adult life.
Maybe it is age, or experience? Maybe though it is about me as a person who has let go of control of so much of her life that the things that remain feel less of a worry? 
Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments. But to be frank, nothing winds me up in the way I could be guaranteed to get upset about before.
The constant presence of the collar and cuff remind me always that I am Master’s slave and that He has particular expectations of me. So often, sometimes without consciously thinking, I consider what He might think about my behaviours and actions. Some might think I am conditioned after over 2.5 years together, but I think it is more that I feel safe in this relationship. I feel wanted, loved, needed and desired. He has expectations of me and I want to make Him proud of me, of the person I am when we are not together. We are a team, we function well together and we help keep each other in check. 
We have an understanding of each others needs and these days I am perhaps better at articulating when I need more control and He is better at recognising that need. At the same time I am better at recognising His needs in my service to Him.
We both recognise the need for more play time, more kink.  But this relationship isn’t about the kink, we are a Master and slave partnership. We install calm in each other. 
We have travelled a long way and hopefully are months away now from being together full time. That thought fills me with more joy than I can say. 

C is for…………….

Clitoris and Communication  

Who would imagine that such a tiny part of the female body could be quite so important to our sexual arousal and orgasm. It is situated at the top of the lips of the vulva, it grows during our life and becomes more sensitive through stimulation. It took me a long while to really understand how my body worked, to recognise the importance of stimulating myself for pleasure, indeed how to do just that. I was a late starter when it came to self masturbation and certainly my former husband had little idea. I can’t remember when I first got a mirror out and actually studied myself, but it was after I had a computer and found the website clitical.com 

Not only did I explore how best to give myself a clitoral orgasm, but I also found my own g-spot.

This is quite shocking when I think about it, since I am a nurse and have catheterised many women so have had the opportunity to examine the body of a woman close up. It isn’t that I didn’t understand the physiology of a woman’s body, but more that at the time I had little understanding of its true function. I guess also that during my nursing career my mind has generally been focused on other things completely unrelated to sex. 

Master loves to play with my body and takes particular pleasure in touching my clitoris, playing with the piercing in the clitoral hood and generally stroking. Only this morning he brought me off while doing just that, at the same time as he nibbled my nipple. The only difference when he is touching me, is that I have to wait for him to tell me when I am allowed to cum, but as I have said before, I am now conditioned to his will. Later as I rode his cock, I found myself leaning forward so I could grind my clitoris on him. Of course, he commented on the sluttiness of my behaviour, but since I know he loves it when I do such a thing I just smiled and agreed. Anyway, I love to be slutty for him.

The most amazing thing for both of us, over the past couple of years has been my piercing. To begin with the stimulation of my clitoris from a piece of jewellery situated in the hood caused me to feel constantly aroused. Over time, this has subsided, but direct stimulation in that area including rubbing myself on Master while he is inside me is beyond amazing. He loves it, to touch and to feel. But also the knowledge that my body has been altered for his pleasure. The fact that these changes have occurred around my most erogenous zones also fills me with pleasure, the clitoral hood piercing especially.

Communication


The most important element for the success of any relationship has to be communication. I don’t think I understood this well enough in the past, but I do now. That Master and I can speak to each other about any topic and that openness is expected of me is especially important. That isn’t to say that we always communicate well. We are humans who are subject to the stresses and strains of life, plus we are not together all of the time. The feeling that I need to be with him more grows, and as soon as I sort out my house I plan to move in with him. This should make communication all the easier and misunderstandings caused by the need to communicate through Skype, text etc all the less. 

All I can say is that I can tell Master anything, and there is very little that I don’t tell him. Indeed there is nothing that either of us would consider important that I have held back on since I became his slave. He can tell when something is bothering me, as I can him. He knows when I need to say something, as do I. Plus this blog and our tumblr sites give us an opportunity to see each others kinky fantasies and to take the opportunity to discuss them.



This year in review – Part 1

As the year draws to a close it feels right to look back over this blog and to think about the things that have happened and the ways in which my relationship with Master has developed. Also, since we are still in Spain and this trip is not the hectic round of sightseeing that other holidays have been about, I also have some time on  my hands. I make no excuse for the reflective or long nature of this post.

In January, I wrote about happiness – I would say this has been the theme of my year. I really am happier now than I have ever been, but not just that, people remark that I look happy. I took a selfie on Christmas day which I posted on Facebook. People, including Master commented that I look really happy and I am.

The wonderful Molly’s website is not only a great place to visit to read about her life with Domsigns, but she also hosts various memes and projects, most recently Kink of the week, which I have begun to contribute to. In February I decided to take part in February Photofest, a project to post a kink related photo everyday for the month. It was challenging, but fun and this post is from that month. I include it also because those of us on blogger received emails to tell us that our kind of blogs  – with sexual content  – would no longer be allowed. There was something of an out cry and within weeks Google backed down. I did buy my own domain and transferred my content across, but haven’t actually got around to changing things. Still it is there, ready for next time.

Becoming Master’s slave has brought me a level of contentment that I would never have believed possible. In March we registered ‘this girl’ on the slave registry website. It seemed like a natural progression given our journey that far. Slavery has given me a way to draw a line under the life I had before, where I acted in a slave like way, but without the support and guidance of a Master. This year really has been the beginning of something wonderful.

I would never have imagined when I began my World of Joolz blog in April 2012 that I would have ended up where I am now. It took a great amount of nerve to do what I did in those first few weeks and writing about it has helped me to be able to recognise the journey I have travelled since then. I know Master still reads back to the early days of my blog and also the beginning of our own relationship. He finds it interesting to look back and to discuss with me my early hopes and assumptions. This post from April celebrated the third anniversary of my blog.

Also in April, we went on our first proper holiday together. There had been a number of weekends away in France, Amsterdam and in London but this was different. It was a chance to spend 2 whole weeks together and to test out whether this relationship was likely to stand the test of a prolonged time together. Also a chance to embrace the Master / slave relationship.

In May we celebrated our first year as Master and slave. That year had been both enjoyable and difficult. When He took me as His slave, he also had another. At that time, I was secondary and expected the whole thing to end by the beginning of this year. Together though we managed the emotional turmoil of the end of that relationship and the deepening of this. For me, I have learnt what it is to be Master’s slave and how to manage the time together and apart.

Mostly I try to write this blog for myself, but when I am short of ideas, I often turn to one of Molly’s memes or else to Kayla Lord’s Masturbation Monday. In May I made my first post there, and that has become my most read post to date. I have to admit it is great to share an experience I have enjoyed with Master with a wider audience. It also leads to exploring the blogs of other contributors.

There hasn’t been as much play in our lives this year as we would have liked. This has been mainly due to Master having a shoulder problem for much of that time which caused a great deal of arm pain and restricted movement. Thankfully that has now resolved and hopefully there is lots of fun and games to come. This post from June though is about play times and about Master’s desire to continue the education and experiences of His slave.  Also in June I exchanged the chain I had worn on my wrist for just over 6 months for a cuff. The collar would come next.

Communication

I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don’t express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.

This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding – that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his – that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn’t speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was – don’t turn up at 5 in the morning, I don’t want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!

My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn’t respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn’t respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.

I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.

Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn’t fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn’t help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.

I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn’t gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.

How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don’t end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?

I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships – otherwise it won’t just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!

Sir – is it me?