What has changed?

I drove up to the house and found the driveway blocked by a car.

I leaned on the car horn, there was no response.

Once again, and nothing.

I got out of the car, the temperature cool, unseasonably so for May. It was raining.

I banged on the window (ok, so I have no doorbell)

I was annoyed, irritated. I am home from work, but a man who contributes nothing to the household and who doesn’t live here was blocking the driveway with his car.

I got back into the car and tooted the horn again.

At last he appeared. Running late apparently.

…………………………………..
My son was home last night. He asked why his dad still comes home, to the family home each day, even though he lives with another woman.
That is the question I need to ask.

Every morning he comes into the house and collects the sandwiches that, yes I have prepared for him.
Every evening he takes a shower here.

I pay all of the bills now, and he does not live here. But this house is jointly owned.

It is now time for the next step in this process to formally separate. Time for him to leave here for good and time for me to move on. Properly.
It really is time for change to happen.

Seeing her as He sees her

A couple of weeks this girl wrote a post about a play session that had happened the day before. Yesterday (as He is prone at times to do), Master posted this photo on His tumblr blog:

Reading back to that post, things look a little different to what was recollected at the time, something that is not especially unusual. But how wonderful for this girl to see that slave as He saw her that morning.

Restraint, pain (the marks are post flogging) and pleasure. All in one go

Clearing her mind

This girl has a bad habit of taking on the troubles of the world and carrying them around with her. This is true at work and it is true with family. This week, unfortunately has been a busy and stressful time on both counts. This girl hasn’t been sleeping well, she keeps on waking in the early hours with her mind full of worries, thoughts about work and secret guilty feelings that won’t go away.

So by the time this girl arrived to spend the weekend with Master last night, she was feeling tired and stressed. So tired in fact that she could have gone to bed, to sleep there and then, at 7pm. Luckily with dinner inside her and a walk to a local pub, this girl rallied. Mind you, she also drank a little too much. This helped though in relaxing her and making her able to concentrate on things other than the monkeys she has been carrying. 
Helped by drink, plus feeling Master’s closeness (He often sleeps with a hand on this girl’s body), she slept much more soundly than she has all week and  while she woke with a bit of a head ache, the girl was at least rested. Master moved His hands over His property, settling one on a nipple and the other between her already slick lips. The thoughts that had already been flooding into this girl’s mind were sent away as she concentrated on what He was doing to her and on the things He loves her to say at these times.
“Who are you?” He asks
“This girl” she answers
“Who owns you?”
“Master owns this girl”
This is just the beginning, but it is a necessary start for both Master and slave. It helps to create the space they will inhabit for what is to come. It helps this girl to empty her head of any thoughts not involving her Master, her Lord, her owner.
What followed was many many orgasms, both through the use of His fingers and mouth but also from the penetration of His cock and from the wonderful way He has of stroking her clitoral hood piercing with His cock. 
It is clear that this girl will have no problems keeping her mind clear today. She can stay here in her slave place, where Master is in control and where the decisions she needs to make will be minimal. The question is, how can she maintain that feeling when she is out of His direct influence?

All about the gold

You can thank tori for this post. Like her, I have been short of ideas for blog posts, but unlike her, the whole kink of the week thing is new to me. But having read tori’s post today and then finding where kink of the week lives, I find this week’s kink is a topic I should blog about, so here goes.
As a nurse, I have been covered in a number of bodily fluids – many times before we wore gloves for everything and afterwards since to be honest, blood, poo and piss doesn’t always trickle out of a person. Often it shoots or spurts. So to be honest, I have no particular fear of bodily fluids of any kind. Of course being at work is different from being covered for any kind of pleasure, even when you are kinky. Certainly blood and poo or scat are substances I am happy not to be covered with. But I have no fear of urine and definitely none of spunk, intact the feel of being covered with something hot and sticky, or hot, wet and with that tell tale smell of uric acid is a positive turn on.
It could have been the first time that Master and I played (or if not, it was soon after), that He watched me pee into the toilet. He told me He preferred me not to close the door; intact that might have been one of the first rules. But it was some time after, when He had studied my kinks on Fetlife in detail that any kind of piss play took place. Even now, though we both share this kink, we have not indulged all that much. But I do know that this is a major thing for Him. He loves to watch and He loves to feel me pee over Him. He loves even more to cover me with that hot, yellow liquid. So far, I haven’t gone as far as to let it fall on my face, or into my mouth, but I would, if He asked told me to.
As a young nurse, I did get squirted in the face, and as a mum with a baby boy too. It wasn’t about kink it was about life, something to laugh about and say ‘oh yuk’. 
Now Master is the boss and if He decides to pee on my face, well i might still say yuk and laugh. But I will relish the power He is exerting over me. Plus, to be honest, I do love Him watching me and enjoying that rush of gold as it gushes forth, onto the ground, into the bath, the toilet or onto Him.

Letting go

There isn’t so much going on around here right now. By here, I mean the blog rather than real life, thats a place where things are pretty busy. Who knew I would go from someone who rarely went anywhere or did anything (except go to work or see family) to someone who was rarely found chilling out on her own couch. Having said that, I am here tonight and I have to say I am enjoying the novelty.

In her most recent post Jz talks about the fact that she and BG don’t ever have vanilla sex, and that their D/s dynamic is always present in their lives. I can identify with that and probably it is what appeals to me most about the relationship I have with Master.
We are not living any kind of 24 hour lifestyle. I am not sitting at His feet, nor am I waiting for permission to do what I need to. But actually I am His slave all of the time. I am mindful of who and what I am and I am there when He decides He needs me and my body. Having said that He makes His body available to me too and loves it when I take the initiative to say suck His cock as happened yesterday morning. He loves to use my mouth to get Him ready to reclaim another of His holes. He loves that sucking Him makes me so wet, as it did then. He loves to push Himself inside me and to reclaim his property, something He feels important when like us you don’t see each other for several days during the week. 
Yesterday morning though it was after that as at His request (I say that since there is no need for insistence) I mounted Him and impaled myself on His very hard cock. This is, I think the favourite position for us both. Him because it gives Him access to every part of me. Me because the sensations can be amazing.
And so it was that at some point during proceedings I became the kind of incoherent wreck of a slave that I turn into when He ties me up and flogs me. Master knows that as the orgasms come thick and fast I lose all sense of reality and control of myself, something He really loves. 
On the surface sex such as we had yesterday could seem vanilla. Only though if you turned the sound down on the scene and failed to look in the eyes of the people involved. His Dominance and her submission are ever present. And for that submissive, being able to let go like that is something she really values in this relationship. That and the feeling of His Dominance which pervades through all that they do together.

Three Years

Three years ago today I wrote my first post on this blog (well the world of joolz, but this is a continuation of that place).

I was a married woman, taking her first faltering steps towards that forbidden place  – the adulterous relationship. In this case a kinky one.

To be honest, looking back, I don’t think it was really a great way to go about things. After all, in order to have my few hours of fun every week or two I told lies, a lot of lies. I told them to lots of people, including myself. But even though it might not have been a perfect route to freedom, it was difficult at the time to see a different one. Life on my own seemed scary and I wasn’t entirely sure back then about what I wanted.

Back then everything I brought to the blog was new – the experiences with the man who I called Sir and sometimes Master and my feelings about this new lifestyle I was embarking upon. Over the past 3 years there have been some amazing high points – mainly the ways in which I have discovered myself and who I am. Then I was a sexual novice, an almost 50 year old with very little experience. The sexual me has emerged and I am able to enjoy sex like never before. This voyage of discovery has led me to places that I never knew existed, let alone thought I might want and enjoy.

So here I today with  a life that is infinitely better than it was then in almost all ways. I suppose that means that the end justifies the means? Well perhaps. If I hadn’t embarked on that first relationship with S then I wouldn’t be the kinky person I am now. He offered me some great training in not only in becoming the sexual being I now am, but he helped release my inner slut and made me into the exhibitionist I am.

But in BDSM terms it has been the past year where most has happened. Master saw in me a potential pain slut, a slave who needed to  submit to the right man. He has trained me to meet His needs in the way He wants. He has shown me who I really am and what I really need.

In general terms He has helped me to extract myself from my marriage, to cope with the stresses which have accompanied the death of my dad and its aftermath. I in turn have helped Him manage the break-up of His own long term, long distance relationship. I have found a man who I truly love and who I believe loves me too. Right now, I think that is all we both need.

This blog continues into its 4th year.

Centred

Since getting back from holiday, life has been busy and stressful. Most of this stress has come from one particular place, or should I say person. I have never enjoyed the kind of relationship with my mum that either of us might have wanted. She always says it is because we are too similar, I sincerely hope that is not true since she is currently behaving very badly.

I know that the set back of the fractured hip was a big blow to her and has dented her confidence along with her hard fought for mobility. But it would be so nice if she could be at least pleasant about it. Instead myself and my brothers are being made to feel less than useful, despite spending so much of our time off from work running around doing things for her. Things came to a head at the beginning of this week when the cleaner gave her the sack. No, she didn’t sack the cleaner, it happened the other way round. By text, to me. Apparently she is rude, inconsiderate and two faced. These accusations are pretty much true,  but I never thought that she was like that with someone who comes in for an hour or two once a week. It would be true to say that the fact she is the friend of my brother’s girl friend might have contributed, but I really didn’t need this kind of stress this week.

Friday is now my regular day off and they now stretch ahead of me as a day when I will be needing to help mum. I should be keen to help of course, I want to be and to a certain extent I am. But at the same time, I dread it. The harsh words, the way she is only interested in herself, and the way everything I and everyone else does is just not good enough. This week was no exception, and culminated in a number of short sharp phone messages because I had bought her the kind of fish that I should know that she hates!

A few times this last week I have been a bit on the bratty side with Master. That and I have challenged things He has said and done. This is something that He doesn’t like; particularly if like me the other person is hell bent on arguing the point for far too long.

So after a great day out on Saturday – a girlie lunch, a film and dinner with Master – I ended up passing much of the journey home fuming. I was both upset and angry and still believed I was right.

In bed, He held me and told me He was sorry and that He had noticed that I have been much more stressed lately. I said sorry too and all was well, we slept.

Sunday morning arrived and as we lay in bed together there was no sign of what was to come. He suddenly jumped out of bed and told His slave to get on all fours, then He piled up some pillows for her to lie on and secured her wrists in cuffs by her ankles. A mixture of pain and pleasure then ensued. The pleasure of the hitachi and the pain of various floggers, paddles and a cane. Every time the pain seemed to be getting a little much back came the hitachi and with it an orgasm was permitted.

He instructed this girl to get on top and to ride His cock. This is a favourite position for both of us. He likes to have access to His slave’s body and to control her movements from below. Next He took her arse. Boy did He take this girl in a way He really hasn’t for a long time.

For both of us this was as much about redefining the whole Master / slave relationship as anything. It was about His power and her submission. For the first time in months this girl found herself floating into His body. She felt her mind clearing and all thoughts of anyone and anything else leave her. She was His slave and He her Master. Lastly she was allowed to finish Him off with her mouth, a perfect ending for us both.

It is so easy in any relationship for life to just take over and for couples to forget the important things.  Thankfully Master recognised the signs and now His slave is centred again and remembers just who she is, what she is and indeed her place.

Of course, none of this makes me wrong, or Him right but sometimes a slave just needs to know when to shut her mouth and I definitely need practice at that!

Hair

Master would love His slave to shave all of her hair off. This, is one of His kinks and He feels that it would help this girl to embrace her slave side much more and what is more it turns Him on. Having said that, He is not insisting on this girl complying with this. First of all it would be a massive step, second it would cause some major comment if consternation amongst family, friends and work colleagues. It would also be damn cold in winter (though of course you can buy hats and scarves).

This is the kind of thing Master is thinking of. She is a beautiful, slim, young lady who really suits such a cut.
But would this girl? She is a woman of 50+ who could do with losing a pound or 30.  But this girl has to admit that she is tempted to try to edge a little more towards that place.
While on holiday, this girl took a photo of this lady
Maybe the shaved around the sides and longer on top look would be the thing. That an shorter at the back. 
This girl is thinking seriously of such a thing (for the current style see photos below).

Views please!

Limits

On returning from holiday, where access to the internet was often limited and intermittent, I have spent time catching up. It has been great getting up to date with everyones blogs, commenting and writing a little. I have also been catching up with posts on Fetlife.

I have a love hate relationship with that place. It should be a great place to meet people and to see what they are up to, to discuss topics that are mutually interesting. But as with other social media it can be a tricky place. People aren’t always treated with respect in the way that they seem to be in our little blog world.

Anyway, the other day I did a bit of clicking from friends to photos and comments they had commented on and through the whole 6 degrees of separation thing found myself on the profile of someone living not so far from me. This person, friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever) says she is a submissive. Not a slave but a submissive. In her profile she goes into great detail about her wants and desires and about her limits. A very very long list of limits, hard and harder.

The person in question is a submissive and I know myself to be Master’s slave. But she does talk about wanting to feel controlled, but in a positive way. She talks of pain, but not as punishment and nothing too painful.

This has led me to think about my approach to this whole lifestyle and the fact that I have essentially given up control of what limits I had to another. what is more, it didn’t take me long to do so. There is more to it though, I am not sure that I ever sat down and worked out what those limits were. Part of that is not because I would do anything I was every told to do by just anyone, but because at my advanced age I have decided that it is time to explore my sexuality in a way I never even expected.

It would have been so easy to read other peoples blogs, books and fettle profiles. It would be easy to watch some pornography and look at photos and decide yuk that is not for me. Well, there are things I see and read I am not so sure about but I don’t discount anything without giving it a great deal of thought. But if I had created a long list of definitely won’t do I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have, or the things I might in the future. Instead I have decided to trust the man who is my Master.

It is after all the relationship that is the important thing here, since this isn’t about play. This is about real life and the experiences that make us what we are.

Perhaps the lady whose profile I encountered is really looking for a play partner, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you don’t open your mind a little you will never fully know what your kinks really are or the extent of your limits. Plus you won’t understand the core of a D/s relationship – the power exchange, the trust that is necessary. For me at least that is what this is about.

The joy and the pain

I am not alone in having a rule within my Master / slave relationship that underwear is only worn with permission when we are together. This is something I have embraced even when it makes me feel open and exposed. After all, that is part of the point, it serves as a reminder to me about who I am, as well as offering Him open access to my body as and when He wants it. Over the winter, I have to admit that my naked body has been covered more often than not by trousers and jumpers, and when wearing a dress, by opaque tights. So the trip to Spain and the rising temperatures after the first couple of days meant that once again I could wear just one item of clothing and my shoes. 

On these occasions Master loves to get His girl to expose herself to Him and to take her photo. As He has here. The photo on the left was as you can see taken by the side of the road. We were high up in the hills having stopped to take a look at the views, which were great despite being shrouded in some mist. Shortly after the photo was taken, a group of boys enjoying a Sunday morning walk turned the corner. It is the riskiness of these situations that gives me the most excitement, exhibitionist that I am. The photo on the right was taken an hour or so before while we were looking around the excavated ruins of a Moorish city. The place was full of tourists, even though you can’t tell from the picture and therefore the risk of being seen while a slave exposes herself to her Master is high. It is climbing steps though, when the breeze catches that I find most pleasurable, especially when a hand is placed on your bottom in pretty much full view. Yep, it is true, this slave is a slut!

But walking around in a hot place, wearing no underwear can be painful. Or rather the after effects can be. Later that day we walked around the town of Cordoba, enjoying the start of the Easter parades and for the first time on the trip the temperature rose to close to 30c. I am not the slimmest of people, so chafing is always a concern but also standing around in a hot place I began to perspire. With no underwear to absorb the sweat I felt moisture running down my groins and then the tops of my legs. The result was that by the end of the day I had sore groins and I felt compelled to ask for permission to wear underwear for the next couple of days while things healed. In future, I am going to take with me a little rescue pack – some wet wipes, moisturiser and some pants – I love to be the slut Master wants, but the pain of sore groins and chafed upper legs is not the kind of thing I really enjoy.