I am Number 18

The 18th person to become a Cock Worshiping Sub (CWS for short over at Spanky’s place Bright Bottom. i have thought of becoming a member for quite a while, because of course i do worship Sir’s cock and know that my place during play and in the bedroom is to give Him pleasure. That pleasure includes him using any part of me that he chooses for his cock. I love nothing more than to feel his cock inside me, owning me, possessing me.

What is different with Sir, as apposed to what has gone before is that i really do worship that cock. It is those moments when i am kneeling before him, with his cock in my mouth that i face who i am, what i am and where i am. i truly worship him and his cock.

Spanky has set a challenge for all the CWS members (this is number 2), as follows:

To write 55 words on the moment before you know you will be sucking a cock.

i have waited weeks for this and here i am. The smell; newly showered mixed with arousal. Is that me or you? Maybe both of us? It is big today, will it fit into my mouth? Will i be able to give you what you want? Can i take you deep enough. I will.

30 Days of Submission – Days 8 and 9

Today, i am writing about two days of submission in one. This is mainly because i have little to write on the first and also because it seems a good idea to get through these a bit more quickly.

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

So far my relationship with Sir has been mainly based on things other than spanking. That is not to say that there hasn’t been spanking, because there has. We haven’t really got into that side yet. Maybe we will in the near future, who knows? i have to admit i prefer other elements of the things we do (kneeling before him, being tied or restrained, nipple clamps, humiliation to name a few), but am not averse to being spanked, whether it is with His hand of some other implement.

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them? 

i like structure and rules. it is what can make this different from other relationships and certainly from my hubby. With him there are no rules as such, just custom and practice, some of it less than exciting. i like that Sir can suddenly introduce a rule, and that rules can change. When i arrive at Sir’s house i kneel before him, i am collared, maybe cuffed, maybe nipple clamps are applied and immediately i am expected to suck his cock. This is a ritual i love. Sir likes me to wear glasses rather than contacts, i am always happy to comply (i wear contacts too much anyway). Sir says i am to wear stockings and not tights, he says i am not to wear knickers (i don’t always comply with these all of the time, but am doing so increasingly. 

I would like more structure and more rules, but to be realistic, monitoring these would be more time consuming and take effort and i am not sure either of us is so inclined. Maybe it is something we will discuss after He has read this.

There are limits, but we are exploring those as we go. i am fairly sure that we both share similar ideas on what those limits are. We have a safeword, but i haven’t come close to using it since if i say that i am not sure about something then we pause or stop. Trust is the name of the game and that’s what we have. 

30 Days of Submission – Day 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it? 

So far i have needed little in the way of punishment, since i am a pretty compliant well behaved submissive. i tend to do as i am told, mainly because i know what is coming and i am able to do what is expected. Any discipline is part of the scene, role play or just plain play we are involved in and it is something i like to receive. Sir tells me he thinks he should punish me more, but so far i have avoided it. Last time we met i managed to avoid doing some things i didn’t want to do (e.g. wearing stockings to the supermarket on a very hot evening) and afterwards we discussed that perhaps these kinds of things should be punished. i await my fate with interest!

i have no problem with being disciplined in whichever way Sir sees fit, as i actually trust him and am pretty sure he would make any punishment fit whatever misdemeanor i was deemed to have committed. i am also pretty sure that it would be pretty arousing.

30 Days of Submission – Day 6

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

i am the elder of 3 children (i have 2 younger brothers). i think if anything i was dominant of them, rather than submissive to them. The elder brother had a slight stutter when young and i am told i used to help him out by speaking on his behalf (i know that isn’t a help, but it certainly seemed like it at the time). The younger brother is almost 6 years younger than me and i kind of mothered him. i loved taking care of him and taking him places. Even as i became a teenager i took him with me on days out (including when i first got together with hubby). There is no way i was particularly submissive at home. 

When hubby and i moved in together and then married, it wasn’t any kind of discipline or submission that made me develop the desire to take care of my new hubby, i just liked to do it. i remember taking whole days to clean the house and cook food (oh how young and keen i was, oh what a home maker). It was only later that i realised that i had created a rod for my own back. That even if i wanted him to do things i couldn’t unless i ranted and raved and even then, not always. i am the doer, the decision maker, even down to deciding what we will have for dinner. i often long for this not to be the case.

What i do know though is that i had to work hard on my confidence, particularly at work. People consider me to be able and confident. I believe though that i haven’t got that way without working at it. Keeping up that act is hard work, as is doing everything for someone at home. i long yearned for a release, some way i could be someone different at least some of the time. 

The submission i have discovered with Sir has provided me with that. It gives me the opportunity to give the responsibility for decision making about certain things to someone else. That i find liberating. 

The other big thing for me is the extent to which submission is a sexual turn on. Being restrained, being told that i am a slut or a whore, kneeling, bending over to be spanked; the list feels almost endless. The humiliation part of TTWD, i think is one of the big part of my submission and is most definitely sexually liberating for me. To dress in a way that has been dictated, but which i would not usually entertain. To do things in a public place that would normally be carried out in privacy. Those things give me a massive sexual thrill, and because they turn me on, Sir finds them arousing and pleasing. This then adds to the pleasure of submission and so on.

30 Days of Submission – Day 5

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

 This is something new and it is my first. Today is the 5  month anniversary of the first time i chatted online with Sir. We role played a scene involving an estate agent and a woman selling her house due to marriage breakup. It involved dinner in a swanky restaurant and naughty stuff happening under the table cloth. 

Shortly before that, i had begun reading about BDSM (again as it was not the first time), but after that particular ‘chat’ and subsequent discussions, i read much much more. My thirst for information was insatiable. What i read in blogs, online articles and in books made me more and more curious. 

This feels unique when set against my other relationships, mainly because of its intensity, of the level of trust required and the things we do together. If hubby asks me to give him a blow job and i don’t feel like it particularly, then i say just that and whether he likes it or not he doesn’t get one. Of course i don’t get much in the way of satisfaction either. With Sir, if he tells me to get on my knees and give him a blow job i just do it. This is because the relationship is based on Him being the Dominant, my Master and me being his submissive, his slut. i also know that i will get lots and lots of good feelings in return and if i am lucky with that will include many orgasms. In this relationship i have experienced many things i only ever dreamed of before and that makes it different.  

30 Days of Submission – Day 2

i had written day one yesterday before i realised i had said too much about my submission for the question and that i was actually answering day 2’s question as well. Also i have written quite a lot about this specific question recently. Lets see then if i can come up with something different from before.  So here goes:

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

My marriage is not about dominance and submission, however i probably submit to a certain amount of domestic discipline since i pretty much do everything and hubby does nothing. He doesn’t always ask for things but tells and for a reason best known to myself (or until recently not known) i just do it. For years i fought against what i saw as laziness and i ranted and i raved. i have been married for a very long time, and have only ever lived with him and i don’t generally do that any more. i accept this is how things are and just do it. i am not sure if this is submission at all, but i suspect it demonstrates i had submissive tendencies all along. 

With Sir, as i have said here, and before, i am naturally submissive. Much of the time we are together, as there is not nearly enough of it, is one one long scene with interludes for food, a walk or to sleep. We slip in and out of the Dom/sub roles during that time, but it is never far away. The beauty of this is that there is the anticipation that something could be about to happen. We could be eating some lunch, chatting about our children or about something inane and then he will say: i think you should get changed into this outfit, go and get changed.  And i do. Increasingly i love to submit to him, i love to kneel before him when i arrive to see him, to feel the collar around my neck, to feel his hands reclaiming what is his. i love the things he says to me to claim me: you are mine slut, ready for me to do with as i wish. 

I never would have imagined that i would want to do this given that i have felt like something of a door mat for years. But this is definitely very different. Sir hates me to wait on him in say the kitchen, he doesn’t want me making him tea (though no doubt at some time i will), and he doesn’t want me cleaning up after him (yipee). But he does want me to remember that when we are together i am there to submit to him when he wants, where he wants and how he wants. This can be thrilling, painful or humiliating (or all three) often too it is extremely erotic and i am learning to love it.

30 Days of Submission – Day 1

Many other bloggers have posted their 30 days of submission and it feels to me that the time is right for me to start mine. If i can keep this going most days i should be able to finish by the time i go off on holiday on September 24th; we shall see.

So day 1:

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I started my  relationship with Sir knowing that he was a Dominant and that he wanted me to be his submissive. This essentially takes place within the confines of the bedroom (or whatever room or venue we happen to be in), but also spreads into online scenes, phone calls. This feels like a kind of planned submission. We are not quite playing a game, but we are part of an agreed arrangement within the context of which we are submissive and Dominant. 

Having said that, my submission and his dominance spreads beyond that. We can be discussing a topic, having a pretty usual, vanilla type of conversation when suddenly he will get all Dom on me and call me slut or whore and i am putty in his hands and immediate submissive. At the same time i might sit on the stool in his kitchen (for example), and spread my legs (no knickers) in the way he likes and he might turn round, see me and again he is my Dom and i am his sub. 

i would say that the longer that time goes on, and the more time we spend together (in real life, online, on the phone) then the move our relationship develops into one where i am more submissive and he is more Dominant. This is partly because we are trying out new things, he is teaching me more about my kinky, submissive side and the trust we have in each other grows.

Submissive personality?

What me?

i thought i would give the blog hop challenge over on Submissive guide a go this month. Never one to do things in advance, i am writing this today and the closing date is today. mind you, with the time difference, i still have 10 hours to go.

So the question is – Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Master tells me that i am very submissive at times. i wear what he wants me to wear and generally do as he wants me to do even if what i am being asked to do is uncomfortable. i do these things because i want to and because i trust him and his judgement. Over the last 5 months (give or take a week or so) i have learned to submit more and more to his will. From the first time that i touched myself in a public place and told him that i was a slut, i have been thrilled at the idea of being owned in this way. i have dressed as a maid and taken photos of myself. i have dressed in a short skirt that just about covered my bare backside on more than on occasion, i have submitted to being tied to his bed and spanked. i have worn a butt plug to a meeting at work and to walk around a supermarket at lunch time. All of these things (and others) have been done with a minimum of argument.

However i am no walkover. i am not completely submissive in all of my life all of the time. Ok so i am not in a 24/7 relationship with Sir, but even so i do tell him when i think things are unreasonable, too painful or if i thing something just isn’t possible. i meet him on my terms and we discuss things outside of the scenes we play as equals. I also have my home life, work, running the household etc. Sir would probably say i am much too submissive to hubby, as i do too many things he should do himself (laziness is his problem), but i do so for a quiet life. I spent too much of my marriage fighting and don’t wish to do it anymore.

i love to be submissive, i know i am submissive by nature, but that doesn’t mean that i don’t have my own will or that i don’t use it. What is great though is that Master continues to push me, to explore the things that i think i don’t want to do and actually find i not only can but want to. i guess that is all part of the journey to find out who i am. What is more it is something i love!