The rediscovery of my submission

Master reminded me on Friday night that we have hardly used my birthday present from last year.  For various reasons I have ridden this beautiful toy only once or twice. It’s purchase dates back to my experiences at the Secret Dungeon a few months before for his birthday. I could never have imagined just how much fun you could have fucking a machine. While the one at the secret dungeon was a sybian, more sophisticated, not to mention automated, this one relies on the user to do the work.

The fucking machine

Back to Friday night. I hadn’t realised quite how turned on I was just discussing the fact that we hadn’t used this fucking machine for several months. But by the time I had put the dildo in place, applied the condom and slid onboard I was pretty aroused. The dildo slid easily in and out of my  wet cunt as I moved backwards and forwards. As Master stood over me, playing with my nipples, sucking me and pinching I knew an orgasm wasn’t far away. 

He stroked my clit and counted down and I came to his demand. Sliding a finger into may arse, he demanded another and more. “Whose slut are you?” 

“This girl is Master’s slut”

The magic words came easily to my mouth. After months of me and I suddenly it was about ‘this girl’ about ‘His pleasing bitch’, ‘slave’. He became Lord and Master, the words falling from easily my tongue During sex I never have problems remembering who I am, of saying what is expected, but somehow this was different. It was as if for months ‘this girl’ had been sitting outside of my body, watching as I went about my crazy life. All at once she crashed into Julie and a submissive was awoken. All of a sudden I was telling Master that more control was needed, that I was proud to be his slave and wanted more of this. More sex, more orgasms, more time on the sex machine. But also rules. More, much more time remembering I am a slave. His slave.

This girl going forward

Today, sober (we had drunk quite a bit of wine) but also not high on the endorphins of recent orgasms I have had time to reflect. After 4 years as Master’s slave it feels as if I am starting from scratch. Learning again what it means to be his property, not just in bed or on a fucking machine, but in everything. 

The machine seems a good leveller. I defy anyone to strip naked, sit on the dildo and begin to rock while their Dominant watches and not feel the need to concentrate. I remember looking up at him as he stood naked in front of me, stroking his cock. I remember him asking me over and over again to repeat who I am, who he is. I remember the feeling of submission sweeping over me and I remember asking for the magic wand. For a different kind of orgasm. 

Life is not all about sex and fucking machines. It isn’t all about Dominance and submission but in this relationship those things are important. Very likely increasingly so. For us, this toy may enable us to get back to being the people we need to be and on a daily basis. Please.

Master’s concerns

There have been some times recently when I have gone a little off the rails. These have usually been when I have found myself alone after having been with Master for a period of time either here or at his house. Nothing serous has happened, but generally I have had a little too much wine and then got myself into an emotional place that I really don’t want to get into. The result is usually me sending him texts which in the morning I can’t remember sending. I can’t put my finger on exactly why these things have happened, but I know that he finds the texting reminiscent with his previous slave who was pretty high maintenance. 

I say reminiscent, but actually I am pretty sure that a drunken lapse on 2 or 3 occasions is nothing like what he experienced previously (I have to say here that she was never drunk, but did send long messages, and then more messages if they weren’t responded to immediately). What is more I am pretty self sufficient in most of my life, and am perfectly capable of making sound decisions outside  of our relationship.
This Sunday I broke the previous 2 week cycle (can 2 weeks actually be a cycle) and was neither drunk or needy. Any texts were just part of our usual conversation. 
But none the less, last night he expressed his concern that he was in some way to blame for any behaviour lapses on my part. 
Over the past several months Master has been suffering from a shoulder problem. Predominantly pain in his right shoulder which he has struggled to cope with. Of course being the person he is, no actual diagnosis has been obtained since he hasn’t actually sought medical help. As someone who used to work in rheumatology, I do know however that these kinds of problems often have to run their course and that any medication or physiotherapy treats the symptoms but that the actual problem sorts itself out in the fullness of time. 
This shoulder problem has affected Master’s willingness and ability to take part in any impact play with me, his slave. There have been precious few times this year when the violet wand or the hitachi wand has come out and I am not sure when I was last tied up or flogged. 
But we have been extremely busy this year. We have been on two wonderful holidays, we have had a number of weekends away, we have been out on numerous days and nights out. We have attended a munch regularly and are generally out more than we are home when together. I work full time and have my mum to manage / care for too. I also have an ex husband who is struggling with the final stages of our break up.
Personally I don’t believe I have been neglected in any way. I am not unhappy with our relationship in any way. I love the sex and play, but I love our time together much much more.
If I act out from time to time it is because I sometimes lack a little self restraint when I am alone. But from where I sit, I don’t think that is a massive problem.
I hope he agrees. 

Masturbation (and sex) on Monday

Masturbation Monday is a year old today. Congratulations to Kayla Lords for coming up with the idea. In celebration here is this girl’s contribution.

It’s a bank holiday here in the UK. Wonderful, time to relax and enjoy the end of summer, lovely sunny days soon to end. For us, here in the UK it seems that summer is already ended and this morning when Master and girl woke it was dull, cool and rainy out. But every rain cloud has a silver lining, as a holiday means no work for this girl and so the chance to drift back to sleep. At some point, reasonably early in the morning, Master began to stroke his girl between her legs. “You like this don’t you slut?” He asked. Of course she likes it, who wouldn’t. The girl lay back and enjoyed the feelings wash over her, allowed herself to relax into His touch and arousal to sweep around her body. She knew her clitoris was enlarging as it became engorged and that she was becoming wet to His touch. The idea of cumming didn’t occur to her and He didn’t suggest she could or should. Instead they both drifted back to sleep. The girl was pretty sure that without Master’s touch that  might not have happened.

The next time we woke, the phone was ringing. It was around 10.30am and it was this girl’s mum. Luckily the girl came to her senses pretty quickly and any way she mostly only had to listen to the updates of mum’s weekend – the films she has watched, the food she has eaten, that kind of exiting stuff. Finishing the call though, she looked across to Master who was busy looking at porn on His phone, while quietly masturbating Himself. A few minutes later and this girl looked at Master – He was now making the bed shake – He informed her that he was getting Himself hard enough to fuck her arse. 
Still horny from the earlier masturbation, this girl shivered with anticipation. “Roll over girl” He commanded and soon after His now very hard cock was taking possession of what it rightfully His. This girl felt herself getting lightheaded as He pounded inside her. She found herself unable to stop herself pressing back towards Him rhythmically as He took a break. He squeezed her nipple, playing with the piercing as He loves to do. Those piercings which were done for Him. The nipples that belong to Him. Master and this girl felt the power in His touches which brought this girl to orgasm. 
A little later, this girl was given her prize. One that Master allowed her to swallow. 
She lay back in His arms, snuggling to him for warmth on this cool end of August morning. He asked her how she was feeling. “light headed and slave like” was her response.
“I like it when my slave is light headed because of me” For Him it is all about the power and the control. For this girl it is too.

Controlled

His control over this girl is often subtle rather than overt. This girl reads the blogs and fetlife posts of other submissives and slaves and can see that often their lives involve more in the way of overt discipline and rules. The power and control Master exerts over this girl feels a little different.

Make no mistake though, He really does have total control. What is more, looking back this girl can see that just how much she has changed since she came into Master’s control. She can see how she has become the calmer person He wanted her to be, that she is no longer someone who seeks control in any part of her life in the way that she did. Work becomes a new experience when you are committed while you are there but generally you leave the office and have no desire to worry about things till the next day. Letting go to perceived responsibilities around family can be more difficult, but generally this girl can say that she is better at that part of her life these days.

This girl has however been wondering about some of the decisions she makes away from her relationship with Master and whether she is still a little too inclined to make decisions without discussion. Also whether she should be asking for permission to make some of those decisions. It is easier to know what is right and wrong when we are together, generally there are no decisions to be made then. But where Master is not involved, then what? No doubt, when Master reads this, we will have that conversation.

When we are together though, there is no doubt. He totally gets off on the power He has over this girl. But His style is pretty low key. This girl does as she knows He wants mostly without being told. Expressing her own opinion is often described as brattiness, which of course it is. Mostly though the brattiness is not serious, since there is an understanding of what the rules of engagement are. He starts conversations with words like “do you want to”, but of course they are not intended to be a question, they are a statement. The fact that this girl understands this and feels no need to challenge any part of it is an important difference from what went before.

Sometimes though instructions do not come as a question. This morning He told this girl to put in her butt plug before we had sex. Made it clear that she was to face the mirrored wardrobes when she was on top. Told her how her submission gives Him the power and control He needs.

Next week this girl if off to France with her mum who needs to have some time away from home as we approach the first anniversary of dad’s death. Time without the overt control that Master gives when we are together and a time when His control from afar will  be needed. But control all the same and this girl will know it is there.

Used

This girl, this slave, was used by her Master this morning.

The past couple of weeks, since this girl was collared have been quiet. Last weekend this girl felt quite unwell – one of those non specific problems that never quite materialises into an actual illness, but none the less you don’t feel well. Sex occured, but this girl wasn’t really an active participant. So much so, that the absence of orgasms on her part didn’t feel like any kind of issue.

This weekend has been different. Master and this girl spent the weekend at her place so she could get some chores done. It has been a pleasant and quiet time, but she has been used; in all three holes.
Master reminded this girl of the need to start each sentence with ‘this girl’.
This girl knows how Master gets off on the power and control elements of their relationship and it is perhaps the biggest area that she needs to work on. It is just too easy to slip into ordinary life and then failing to remember this girl’s place in the order of things.
Anyway, back to this morning.
Master spent time bringing this girl to orgasm through stimulation of the nipples that He owns; tweaking, pinching and then sucking. Then He mounted her, thrusting His wonderful cock inside the first of her slutty holes. The tight cunt was temporarily resistant, but after a few moments this girl felt Him slide into His property. At that point she felt the familiar relief to feel Him inside her, to know that she was about to be used. The most amazing thing is the way He is able to stroke His cock against the piercing as He moves in and out of her, those first few strokes are almost enough to bring her to orgasm.
Then came the instruction to get on top of Master, something this girl did with pleasure. This girl has said it before, but a position that on the face of things seems so dominant is just such a submissive place for a slave to be. Master has such control over so much of His slave’s body while she is the one who does all of the work. At some point during that part of proceedings, this girl’s mind emptied and she felt herself sink (or maybe rise), into her slave space.
Master proclaimed that it had been months since this girl’s arse had been properly used, and so He proceeded to throughly use her. If this girl was already submitting to her Master, and if she was already in subspace, then this act took her to another place entirely. It took her to a place where she was unable to move her body and then to a place where she brought herself to orgasm while He pounded inside her.
Then, just as if an alarm clock went off. This girl’s mum phoned. Master gave her permission for her to pick up the phone (there was a few minutes gap in proceedings and there is only one person who would ring before midday on a Sunday).
But, not to be outdone by either this girl or her mother, Master had kept things going with His cock during the interlude. So, this girl was able to claim her reward. Leaning down to take Master’s cock into her mouth, He was able to use this girl’s third whole. This girl is proud to say that Master came into her mouth.
Yes, it has been a while. But this morning, this girl was used.

Something has happened

It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl’s mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.

But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn’t been discussed. The fact is that:

There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom

What has changed is that:

This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave

This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new rules?

The plug

Master has bought this girl two NJOY butt plugs – smallish and largish. Of all of the rules that appear in this girl’s contract, wearing the plug as required might be the thing she complies with the least. This is not because she wishes to be disrespectful or disobedient, but because if the context within which this rule was introduced and the sheer speed with which this girl’s life progresses.

When the contract was agreed, this girl was part of a three way polyamourous relationship in which she was a minor player. The primary slave was experiencing problems in her ability to trust Master in His relationship with this girl and in coping with their own long distance relationship. At times this girl struggled with the ending of her own marriage, the imminent death of her father and then being part of a polyamourous relationship.

Fast forward a year or so and the situation is different.

This girl’s marriage is over, all but the divorce. This girl’s dad has passed away and while there are ongoing problems in supporting her mum and the wider family that aspect of life is, in the main, less stressful. The other woman is no long part of Master’s life.

So, that thing – the butt plug – which used to help this girl cope with so many difficult situations – is not required for that reason.

Of course it is useful in keeping this girl’s body ready for Master’s needs. But somehow, that has also become less of an issue.

Last night though, this girl had something of a melt down. Work and mum stress got on top of her. She struggled to work out how she could fit Master’s needs into that scenario and acted out.

Yes, there was brattiness. Yes she wined and moaned.

Master’s response, other than talking her round over Skype was to suggest Instruct her to insert one of her plugs.

This girl has to report that the impact was pretty much instantaneous. The stressy feelings began to recede and she began to see things more clearly.

A side effect however was, that at 3am when this girl got up to go to the toilet, she needed to provide Master with an orgasm – He wasn’t there, but the rule is, that so long as she tells Him afterwards she is allowed to cum in such a situation.

Damn it, He is right. That plug is beyond useful and needs to be worn much more.

a girl’s slavery

A few weeks ago we registered this girl as Master’s slave. Interestingly around a similar time to fiona.  Even though the decision to make this girl His slave came many months ago, Master and this girl have taken their time in working through the details. There has been a contract since last summer and in the autumn the slave bracelet.

This is of course partly because at the time the relationship was a polyamorous one. Plus there were so many things going on in this girl’s life.

All relationships need time to develop, and this one was no exception. Now though, this girl believes we are ready for the next steps. Registering as Master’s slave was the first of those.

For some time, this girl has been asking Master for a bit more control, perhaps some more rules. She is mindful that His previous slave was particularly high maintenance and that He is a person who doesn’t do micro management. In the main, she is able to manage herself during day to day life. But she does feel that too often she still does things without consulting and checking He would be happy. She often doesn’t ask permission to do things, but still tells Him her plans. This girl thinks that this is the area of her life that needs to change, just a little.

We don’t live together, so this is not a 24/7 relationship. But Master’s influence is present in her mind most of the time.

As this girl moves towards the day when Master collars her, a review of the rules within which she operates see to be a reasonable idea.

We are going on holiday in a week and will be gone for two weeks. This feels like a good time for evaluation and renegotiation.

This girl is definitely ready for that next step in her slave journey.

This girl’s submission

A lot is being written about submission at the moment, much of it in the context of the whole 50 Shades of Grey hype. It has been good to see articles in newspapers and magazines written by those who live this lifestyle themselves. It has also led to a number of bloggers writing on the topic themselves.

For this girl, deciding to write about her submission is less about any outside influences, although they have been thought provoking. Actually this is about something within, about a sense that this girl’s submission is developing further. Partly this is because Master is pushing this girl to explore her limits, but also that she wants to do so.
To begin with submission felt like a desire, a want. Something to try. It was possible to switch it on and off, to be Master’s girl when they were together, and then to get on with real life. Pretty soon though this girl realised that it wasn’t so easy to put it out of her mind. Overtime it has become a need.

Part of this is structured through the contract. Within it, this girl needs to consider Master’s view on the things she does. She needs at all times to wonder whether He would be happy with what she is saying or doing, whether He would be proud of her actions and behaviours. This has at times caused this girl to act differently than she would previously. It also gives her cause to reflect on her actions afterwards. Whenever Master says good bye to this girl, whether in person or say on Skype (which is how they communicate during the working week), He tells this girl to be good. She often laughs this off, but actually it is important. It is a reminder. He is not particularly hot on punishment, for that this girl is glad and grateful. But this doesn’t mean she wilfully misbehaves anyway.
Then there is the way in which we address each other. He is Master and that is what this girl calls Him. Sometimes she almost refers to Him as Master to others; family members or colleagues. In her own head she thinks of Him as Master, because that is who and what He is. Master always refers to this girl as girl. She is pretty sure that is the way He thinks of her, as His girl. During play or sex, this girl often calls Him Lord. He loves her to refer to Him in this way. There was a time when this girl laughed in the face of such a title, but not any more. In this relationship, this girl needs to consider the respect with which she treats her Master. Gradually He is also becoming her Daddy, as He guides her and teaches her the ways of His world. To Him this girl is a bitch or a slut. She loves to be called these names and He loves it when she refers to herself in this way.

For much of the time we have been together, this relationship has been conducted in private. First in play and in the bedroom and then within the confines of our homes. This doesn’t mean that Master hasn’t always touched His girl – a feel of her bottom or nipple for example – while they are out in public. This girl is required to dress without underwear when we are together, unless she seeks permission. Master prefers access to this girl’s body at all times, though He is relaxed about her wearing trousers etc during winter. The feel of His hand on this girl’s bare bottom as we walk along together helps to remind her of her submission, what is more, she finds it arousing and she loves Him to turn her on in this way. Now though we are branching out, we have started to attend a local munch regularly and this girl has asked Master to consider a play party for them to attend soon. When it happens, it will be her first time playing in public in front of others and also to watch other people. This girl feels that it will be an important step for her, but probably something she needs to do.

This girl’s submission is increasingly about the power that Master has taken from her and which He exerts over her. It is an ever present aspect of their relationship together. For Master, the power exchange is what arouses Him, indeed it is at the core of who He is. He doesn’t look for, nor get any kind of doormat, but we both know who is in charge in this relationship. For the first time in her life, this girl is able to go through whole days of her life without making much in the way of a decision. This is highly liberating for someone who thought she was a control freak. Often in restaurants these days, this girl barely glances at the menu, and never bothers to look at the wine list since she never chooses the wine anyway. That power exchange though is not always an overt thing, something that can be seen by others, it is implicit, at the centre of who we are, an ever present undercurrent to our everyday life.

Master’s kinks are increasingly becoming this girl’s kinks. Luckily, she is willing to try most things once (at least), she trusts that He will keep her safe and so puts herself into His safe hands. So when she dresses for His pleasure, when she lies down in the playroom and He experiments with the new attachments on His violent wand, when she pisses on Him or he on Her the pleasure He feels becomes hers. This girl is there for Him, to be used yes, but also to reap the benefits and to enjoy her submission.

There are outward signs of ownership; the piercings and the bracelet. In the future there will very likely be a tattoo of some kind and hopefully a collar. He would like a slave with very short hair, maybe shaved, He may not get that from this girl (but never say never).

But really this girl’s submission is not about those things. This submissive craves Master’s Dominance and He her submission. Who knows where all of this is going to lead? Maybe it is about the journey though, not the ultimate destination.

Balance and control

I know that things have been pretty quiet around here lately. Somehow, the combination of work, caring responsibilities and spending time with Master have meant that I have had less time to blog. Usually, the construction of my posts are either planned out in my head for several hours or even days, or else are bashed out quickly. Sometimes though, it is difficult to find the headspace and equally hard to find spare time to actually type, proof read and post. It is not that I have a shortage of topics, so perhaps now is the time to stop the excuses and just write?

The main thing I am trying to get in my life, is a sense that it is under some kind of balance and control.

Control maybe seems a strange word to use, when I am Master’s slave. But actually it probably is a very good word. I am not in a position to hand over complete control to another person, supposing that person wanted such a thing. He doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean that in every other part of my life I need to take complete control.

In the past I would have sought to manage everything about my mum’s recent illness. In fact, doing that this time would have been more than any human could cope with. She was ill, but she was very demanding; often failing to recognise when it was appropriate to ring hourly and when it wasn’t. At the same time there was information to try to gain from the medical staff, shopping to buy to make her life more comfortable and things to manage at her house. My brothers made it clear that I wasn’t expected to cope with everything and I had the added support from Master, who kept reminding me that I needed time for myself and time to spend with him.

Then there is the ongoing relationship with soon to be ex-hubby. I put the final break-up on hold while coping with my dad’s death and it’s aftermath. But now I am ready to move on and am struggling to get him to agree to what needs to be done. This is despite the fact we see little of each other and that we no longer live as man and wife in any way. Thank goodness for Master’s advice and support and for his thoughts on how I should manage individual problems and situations.

For the first time in my adult life I am learning how to not only consult properly with a partner, but realising that I can strike a balance. When I need to make decisions, I can do so with help and support, full in the knowledge that I am not a weak person for doing so. What is more, giving up complete control when I am with Master, allows me to be strong enough to be the person I need to be when I am not with him.

He is not always there, but somehow his influence always is.