How much control does the submissive have?

Many people say that it is the submissive that has all the power and control in a D/s relationship. After all, the decision to enter the relationship and to agree to comply to certain rules is made by the submissive. Or is it? I can only speak from my own limited experience and these are my own thoughts on the subject.

Beginning a D/s relationship

At the beginning of any relationship both parties are feeling their way. Testing each other out and building trust. A power exchange relationship is no different. A big part of getting to know each other takes place through a discussion of experiences and limits, as well as actually testing these out. At this stage, the power balance should really be pretty even.

Of course, it depends what you are looking for. I know that when I met Master I was definitely looking for a D/s relationship where I could give up control. But even I was surprised by the speed at which I was prepared to do so. I was in control of those decisions and we discussed what was involved. Probably control of orgasms was one of the first and that has remained the case. He owns them, but of course I do have the ability to regain control, since the orgasms emanate from my body. But more of that later.

Over a period of some months I relinquished more and more control over my every day actions as well as what happened in the play or bed room. I’ve noticed in books about power exchange, submissives are often expected to sign a detailed contract very early on. This is usually something drawn up by the dominant, commented on by the submissive and then signed by both parties.

Real life, for me anyway isn’t like that.

A contract

The decision for us to have something written down was something we made together. It also coincided with the first visible sign that Master had become my owner. The items contained in the contract were all things that had already been discussed and put in place. I suggested one or two changes plus an additional rule. Part of the contract specified what he should be doing for me, which seems only right.

Of course this has no basis in law or anything else. It’s just an agreement between two consenting adults. As I’ve mentioned punishment isn’t a big thing for us, mind you I’m not the biggest rule breaker in the world either. So it’s all pretty much down to trust and compliance and I’m pretty compliant to be honest.

But if he decided to punish me, then I think I’ve probably agreed to that too.

Over time, we’ve moved away from the contract, though it exists and has been expanded. The biggest change was when I told him I’d like to give up my limits.

Limits

The biggest thing I’ve done to signify giving away control of my limits. There have never been very many limits anyway quite a few have been gently (or not so gently) pushed over the years. My only real hard limit (apart from the usual illegal, age play and scat related ones) is medical and nursing stuff. I won’t do anything that demeans my profession, including dressing up as a nurse for sex.

There’s really little else I’d object to and trust in this relationship is absolute, so I have no problem with Master saying he wants try something and going ahead with it without asking me first. Though to be fair to him, that rarely happens.

Who has the power and the control?

The answer to that is that both of us do. The dynamic of our relationship means that his dominance is both a written and unwritten. In most things I am happy to defer and where I’m not we discuss things. Ultimately he makes many of the decisions, thought not financial or family ones. If I decided this wasn’t the kind of relationship either of us wanted any more, I’m not sure that would be the end for us. Because we now have a history behind us and our relationship is built on more than the dynamic. But anyway I see no reason that I would want to end the power exchange element. It has made me feel free and happy and I know just how complete it makes him feel.

This post is linked to No True Way, please click below to see who else is joining in this week.

Sexual Service

I am kneeling over the sofa. Wearing only a top. My arse and labia are visible and exposed.

I am a sex slave. My role to Master is to provide him with sexual service when he requires it. But also to be ready for him to use me when he wishes. This post is a work of fiction based on a limited amount of reality but mostly reading, fiction and non fiction.

My word of the day is RULES. Every day Master texts me a word or occasionally phrase while we are both at work. At the weekends, if we are home he tells me the word. Corner time is at 4pm which is shortly after I arrive home. I remove my clothes and then kneel on the floor in a corner of our room on a carefully placed pillow. Knees wide, back straight and hands behind my head. The purpose is for me to concentrate on my word while naked and vulnerable. To think about the meaning of the word and it’s relation to my service.

I know the rules by heart. I know that the key purpose of my role as Master’s sex slave is to be his slut and to provide him with sexual service. The rules are in place to make sure I do just that.

Rule number 1

I shall always be available for his use. This means that I do not wear underwear unless he says I should. In effect this means wearing a bra at work. At home I am often naked, unless we expect visitors or it is very cold. I also wear an apron when cooking. There is a certain vulnerability to never wearing panties, especially when I am aroused or hot. I often think others can small my cunt, though no one has ever mentioned it. When sitting I am not to cross my legs, often Master will tell me to sit with them wide open, even when we are out. This can be humiliating, but also a massive turn on.

When he decides I am to provide sexual service, to be used, which is most days, I must thank him. I beg him to use my holes, to come inside my slut body. Or, of course outside if he wishes. Whichever I thank him for the gift of his come.

Rule number 2

I am not allowed to touch my cunt nor come without permission. However Master tells me to touch myself often for his pleasure. This is fine when we are home alone together, less easy when we are out or have people over. Often when we are out eating dinner I will have been instructed to play with my clit. To bring myself close to climax, to edge. One hand on my fork and another on my lap, or so you may think. Other times it will be his fingers that stroke and tease. He studies me closely, watching my cheeks grow pink. He’ll then make me come when we get into the car, there in the car park or by the side of the road.

I am able to control my orgasms quite well, even when he uses the wand on me. But I really have to focus, to concentrate on my submission and remember that he is the owner of my body and my orgasms. He takes great pleasure in making me come the moment he demands. I don’t know how he does that!

Rule number 3

He is known to me as Master or Lord and I am this girl, slut or slave depending on his desires. I understand the meaning of this. I am nothing but the name Master choses to call me. Of course I have a name at work or when with family or vanilla friends. But always I know that I am property. His and his alone. He is my Lord and Master. I worship him and await his need to use me. That isn’t to say that I am not loved, cherished and cared for. Sometimes I am his pet, often his lover. He takes care of me, cooks for me, takes me to lovely places and buys me things. That he owns me is calming, reassuring. It makes me feel safe, wanted. His.

Rule number 4

I have a number of daily tasks, these sometimes change. Each morning I suck his cock if required. I also stand or sit in the shower or bath while he pees on me. I can’t say I enjoy it but I am used to it. It is warm and I have come to appreciate the feeling. I find it arousing, indeed humiliation to me is a massive turn on. After a shower and I have shaved my pussy, legs and underarms, I insert the plug he has chosen for me. This is worn for 2-3 hours so is removed in the bathroom at work. I dress in the way he wishes, often looking quite demure from the outside.

Throughout the day we keep in contact. Be both have busy and demanding jobs, but text a few times. There is usually a photo for me to take and send though.

Rule number 5

I kneel and present myself when Master arrives home

My working day is until 3pm. This fits in well with my sexual service duties and also those around the house. As mentioned above I spend half an hour in quiet contemplation before moving on to any house work and meal preparation. That’s not to say Master doesn’t do his fair share of house work etc. Because he does. He is particularly responsible for food shopping and this is one area where I tell him what might be needed.

Master texts me as he leaves work or the shops and I then prepare for his homecoming. This is a special time for us both. I kneel in the living room and wait in readiness for him. He greets his slave and inspects my body and asks for details of my day. Then he goes to change while I start dinner or put things away. Then he will open wine and we’ll often share the cooking chores.

There was a time when I would spend the evening at his feet while we watched TV or played music and chatted. But now I’m that bit older the sofa has become a better place to be, for us both.

Our evenings tend to be like most other peoples. Except I am usually naked and he is likely to be stroking some part of his property or making me suck his cock as he feels appropriate. Often we will retire to the play room where Master will restrain his slave and torture me. Pain and pleasure are such amazing bedfellows.

This is the life I chose

When we met, I quickly learned what life would be like if we came together as a couple. Master and slave. He was clear that it was a sex slave he desired. One he could use for his pleasure, whether sex or play. We discussed and wrote down our kinks and fetishes. On the day of our collaring ceremony I gave myself willingly to him. My limits are now his. Most decisions (outside work and my family) are his. The body that belonged to me is now his, as are the orgasms and control. He has total power over me and this is the life I chose. My role is to provide sexual service to my Lord.

Thinking about rules

I’ve written a few times recently about rules. In September for Food for Thought Friday I wrote about the rules of life and a little about my relationship. Then in May, for this series I wrote about how we negotiated our power exchange relationship. But in this post I’ll go into a little more detail about our rules and how they impact our relationship.

Why have rules?

In a relationship such as this, it is important to know how the power exchange dynamic will work and with whom the buck stops. The key thing for me, the slave to remember is that I have agreed to give the power and responsibility for decision making to my Master. This rule is unwritten but understood. That isn’t to say I can’t move without having to ask, far from it. But in all important issues that involve us both I do defer to him.

This takes us to one of the reasons we have such rules. It’s because I need to give up the part of myself that seeks to control everything to him. There, I’ve said it – I need this and he knows it. What is more, he wants to take that control from me so that I am free to serve him and to be his submissive, his slave.

Then why do I fight against it?

It is difficult to change habits of an adult lifetime. It is hard to admit that this is what I need and even more difficult to become dependent upon someone else. I have fought hard through life for my independence, so why would I give it up? Well, I am and I am not. On one hand I am still free to make day to day decisions. But I don’t need to do so alone, nor do I need to have the final say. I can confer and I can ask for help. But it has taken 5 years to get to the realisation that I want it.

But, we are also codependent. He is my Master but also my partner and best friend. We discuss pretty much everything we are going to do that affects me or us both. He mostly discusses things he is thinking of with me, but doesn’t have to. This is a learning process for us both and is something we continue to work on. After all, we came together later in life than many couples.

Contractual rules

We have recently been renegotiating the contract we agreed on in 2014. Much has changed since then, including that our relationship is more committed and that we live together. They can be found below.

  1. “This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master Diogenes
  2. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her holes to her Master for His use and pleasure
  3. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her orgasms to her Master whenever He requires
  4. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  
  5. “This girl” will modify her body to please Her Master, including tattoos, piercings, hairstyle and shaping of her pubic hair as He requires
  6. “This girl” freely and willingly accepts that she is her Master’s registered slave under the number 798-167-302
  7. “This girl” wants and needs to serve her Master as His Pleasing Bitch
  8. “This girl” will try to please her Master in everything she does
  9. “This girl” accepts that her Master Diogenes is her Lord
  10. “This girl” will wear a buttplug twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays in order to make her arse-cunt more pleasing for her Master

Many of the specific rules we had in place previously are now encompassed within number 8. I know what they are and tend to do them without thinking. But number 10 is one that i often forget to do and in fact need to attend to right now. Since today is Tuesday.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Negotiating a power exchange relationship

At the beginning of our relationship there was a certain element of excitement. At times it felt we were throwing ourselves into the situation, pushing boundaries. We met at weekends, there were play scenes and there was sex. We both knew he was dominant and I submissive, that this was a power exchange and in those first weeks we played our roles well. But there was also a lot of communication, via messenger and Skype. Discussion and negotiation. Master had a reasonably clear idea of how he wanted things to go, and he wanted to check out with me what I thought. I wrote about it here on my blog quite a bit.

Initial negotiations and agreement

One of the first things Master asked me to do was to refer to myself in the third person. He believed that by doing so I would be able to remove myself as Julie from the equation and instead focus on my role as submissive object. The only way I could think of to try this out (other than when we were together) was to write my blog in the third person. It is interesting to note that writing this way is actually easier than speaking it. This rule remains in place, but I struggle to keep it up unless in the throws of subspace. But it really is effective at getting me to concentrate on my submissive self and let everything else fade away.

Discussions about underwear occured around the same time and then moved onto orgasm control and finally piercings. It was at this point we both knew that things were perhaps a little more serious than we had admitted. It became clear that even if the relationship didn’t last for ever, we wanted to formalise things in our own minds. So Master drew up a contract.

Our power exchange contract

We are very aware that formal contracts negotiated in BDSM relationships have no bearing in law. But they are useful in setting out the responsibilities of both parties. Around July 2014, just 6 months after our relationship began we agreed such a contract. Master wrote an initial document and I made suggestions for changes and additions, but on the whole I agreed with what he had written.

This was no accident, as we had already been discussing what would be included and also doing some of the things that we’re included.

The main thrust of the contract was about acknowledging his power over me. That I was an owned slave who had responsibilities in ensuring that my body was prepared as he wanted and available for him to use. So it included items about how I should keep my pubic hair and when I should wear a butt plug. There were elements of my behaviour I was keen to be helped with. I was emerging from a long marriage where I had needed to be more dominant than I felt comfortable with. I needed Master’s help to be able to let go and trust another to make decisions for me. Taking over conversations and doing things for people were just two of the areas I wanted to attend to.

Revisiting the contract

Over time we have settled into the relationship we want to have. For a while the contract slipped into the background. Our M/s ebbed and flowed and during busy periods was sometimes almost on the back burner. Prior to my moving in with Master last year we were busy with getting my house ready to sell plus I had a demanding job. We travel frequently so it was easy for elements of the contract to slip a little. Then soon after moving in I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So it is really only over the past couple of months that we have begun to discuss how our contract should be revisited.

This is now in progress. Once again, Master has drawn up a first draft and I now need to reflect on the proposed changes and make some of my own before we agree it. This time though I do want some kind of accountability to be included. Now we live together there is no excuse for me to ‘forget’ to do things or assume it’s ok for me to do and say what I want. Master isn’t majorly into punishment, so we will need to discuss what the consequences of contract breaches will be.

For me this is a huge step. In a way, it is the culmination of my submissive journey. But also the start of another one.

Postscript

Close to the start of our relationship Master and I had a private blog, which on reading I realised was a key part of the negotiation process. I’ll write more about the contents soon and will link here when I do.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Commitment

What to right about for C? The two obvious contenders were control and collar, but I have written about both recently. Then I thought about contract, so I went looking for posts about our contract and found only two. Then it struck me that the key word for today should be commitment. In June 2015 I wrote this:

It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl’s mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.


But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn’t been discussed. The fact is that:
There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom


What has changed is that:
This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave
This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new rules?

Reflections on commitment and the post above

At that time I wrote my blog in the third person. Early in the relationship Master ‘suggested’ that if, when we were alone together I did so then it would help me with my submission. To be able to do that I wrote my blog posts in the third person too.

Master gave me, and we agreed, a contract in the summer of 2014. But at the time he was still involved in another M/s relationship. So things felt temporary. That didn’t mean I ignored the rules but I didn’t imagine it would turn into a serious commitment to each other.

By summer 2015 though, things were different. My role as his slave was no longer something that I did at weekends and on holiday. Instead it was who I was (and am) all day every day. It was also when Master presented me with his collar, something I have worn most days since. This symbol of what I meant to him was an important marker for both of us. It signified he had no intention of looking elsewhere (except for play) and that he wanted to take care of me. The collar felt like a safety net, something that freed me from the rest of the world.

By making a commitment to each other in this way we were able to start to plan for a life when we could be together all of the time. But also, as seen in the post above, I declared I was ready to be the slave he wanted. Power and control are important elements of our M/s relationship. That I would modify my body and hair for him was an indicator that I was serious and that I recognised that this is not a game. It is our real life.

Most people don’t know what the collar means. But when they meet us they can see we are a couple and that we are committed to each other. At their peril do people try to come between us since we are something of a force to be reckoned with.

This girl and the plug

When things between Master and this girl were becoming a little more serious, in the summer of 2014 He introduced a contract. He had noted a few thoughts down on paper (He is a man of lists, so it probably was on paper) while He was visiting His then slave. Perhaps the fact He made this girl a slave and started the contract while still visiting helped to inform what happened next.

The contract, which He shared with this girl shortly after His return and which was agreed with one or two small changes has been in place for a while. But, as has been alluded to before, over time, one or two elements of that contract have kind of gone awry.
Funnily enough there are a few things that have stuck firm. For example, this girl feels no need to take over in situations where she doesn’t need to, she is mindful of the need to make Master proud of her, even when He is not there to see what she is up to. She loves it when He takes control of tickets and passes, which is good as sometimes she is a little scatty and prone to lose things. She also enjoys Him choosing and ordering meals for her and there is no problem in calling Him Master or indeed Lord.
But there are two areas where she is often lacking. One is in using the word I to describe herself and the things she will or has been doing and the other is in wearing her butt plug as she should when they are apart.
During this month of March, this girl is going to set about making some changes in both areas. After a weekend of reconnection in terms of Master and slave, this girl wrote this post, reaffirming a desire and determination to refer to herself in the way He demands – This girl.
That evening, for the first time in a few weeks she inserted the larger Njoy plug.
Over the past few weeks, this girl has taken to having a bath on a Sunday evening. Unlike taking a shower, she has been reminded that it is a perfect way to relax and prepare for the week ahead. Feeling warm and happy after soaking in the bubbles, and enjoying whatever book she is reading, this girl gets into her pyjamas spends the rest of the evening watching tv, blogging or reading some more. It seems to be helping her sleep and to be ready for work on Monday.
On Sunday, as stated above, she slipped  pushed the plug in straight after the bath. It has been a while since she had felt the relief and then pleasure of easing it past her anal sphincter and experienced the short period of coolness as the metal rested inside her. Soon, the feelings of arousal began and without touching herself she knew her pussy was becoming moist.
Wearing the plug is intended to be a way of helping this girl remember who and what she is, when she is apart from Master. It is also intended to prepare her for anal sex when He demands it and since she knows He wants and needs that from her soon (and she needs it too) wearing the plug more often is a must.
On that occasion she kept it in place for several hours, until she got up in the night to pee and felt that she might not get back to sleep if it were still in place. Tonight the plug is there again. She has removed her underwear and as she types this blog, can feel it filling her and can also feel the gentle throbbing of her cunt at the same time. This girl is pretty sure that Master would be very pleased to know she is what she is meant to do and that it is having this effect upon her!

Something has happened

It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl’s mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.

But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn’t been discussed. The fact is that:

There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom

What has changed is that:

This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave

This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new rules?