Truth and lies

I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don’t lie.

Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.

I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.

Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.

Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.

I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn’t know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.

I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.

I don’t like to lie to him. But actually I don’t feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.

I don’t love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.

We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don’t.

I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.

I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.

How did things go so wrong so quickly?

This time last week I was looking forward to an afternoon of fun with S. It was a lovely sunny day, he had a day off and I half a day. Traffic got in the way and while he reached our proposed destination I did not. It turns out that the day would not have been as I expected anyway, since he was proposing to drop his bombshell on me then. As it was my happiness lasted a few more days.

It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.

After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.

Tomorrow is my son’s graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.

As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn’t especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.

So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.

I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.

So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.

Jealousy

Many of the things i have found i love to do for (and with) Sir are things that hubby has always wanted me to do for him. Indeed it is not true that before i met Sir I had never worn stockings and heels for hubby, it is just that i complained about the idea of it. At the same time, i have sucked hubby’s cock, but again, i just didn’t really enjoy it. He tends to cum quickly, and i found the idea of that happening before i was even turned on repulsive. In time this led to me refusing to suck him, refusing to dress up, refusing to do anything that would please him.

It wasn’t that i didn’t want to make him happy, far from it. But i couldn’t see what was in it for me. He has never learnt to touch me in a way that arouses, but throws this back at me, since i should have told him, taught him, shared with him how.

Now he knows the kind of things i will gladly do for Sir he is unsurprisingly jealous. What is more he says he is humiliated that people might find out that he is unable to satisfy me.

In fact, i did not stray because of that reason, well not just for sex. Rather, i looked for a whole range of experiences i wasn’t getting at home.

i wanted someone to take control of situations, to make decisions to tell me what we should do and how we should do it. At the same time i wanted to feel cared for, to be stimulated not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. i wanted conversations that didn’t include football. i wanted to walk to talk, to find out who i was.

What i found was a D/s relationship, one that i didn’t know i needed and one which for the past 15 months has sustained me. I found sex, amazing kinky sex. I found orgasms, humiliation, exhibitionism. But i also found friendship, someone who seemed to understand me and who in turn i could return the favour.

Hubby is jealous of the sex that he perceives (often quite rightly) that Sir and i enjoy. But perhaps he has a right to be jealous, just not of the things he thinks about,

i have some fun things to look forward to this week. i am really looking forward to some summer fun! More, much more to come……

Thoughts and feelings – More Questions than answers

It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.

I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.

I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don’t find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn’t even a small amount of the issue.

I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don’t know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.

Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn’t even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.

How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?

Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can’t afford to move out and we aren’t yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.

In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.

Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don’t really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don’t know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.

For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.

Will today define the future?

Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.

I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things – catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven’t really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30’s. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.

There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.

This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.

I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.

Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn’t know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.

What I wanted?

Since discovering my blog, hubby has undergone a further change in attitude towards me. i have to admit that in coming clean and telling him about Sir and i back in November, i gave little thought to anything other than letting go of the secrets i held. Since then, it seems to him that every month or so there has been a new revelation. First he discovered an affair, then a D/s relationship and now he has read a small element of that relationship displayed on a blog. As far as he is concerned, he remembers everything i have told him since November, everything i have done and he remembers everything he read on my blog last week. When i challenge any of this, he tells me that this is what i wanted, and therefore this is what i have got. 

The truth of the matter from my point of view is that i have hurt him so much more than i ever felt possible. He is now a very confused man who is in great pain for much of the time. He deals with this by physically avoiding me for most of the time, but keeps his element of control through regular texts. These give me instructions about the things he wants me to do (tasks about ordinary life and sexually explicit things he wants me to do to be ready for him). i find myself doing many of the vanilla things without question, but then challenging myself, since this attitude towards me is one of the reasons i find myself where i am now. As to the sexual requests, well on one hand i want to fulfill them. i want to have sex with him, but at the same time there tends to be a large amount of emotional blackmail attached. Also i wonder exactly what it is he wants from me and indeed what exactly i want from him.
He is now obsessed with my relationship with Sir. He is obsessed with the things we do together and deeply hurt that those things happen with Sir and not him. At the same time he feels he has nothing to offer me, he feels there is nothing he can give me that is as good as i get from Sir. for him this is about sex and nothing else.
The state of our relationship is now forgotten by him. He fails to see that the relationship as a whole needs to be in tact for a good lovelife to occur and that good sex contributes to a stable, loving relationship. He says he loves me and wants to fuck me. But when he sees me, he spends his time telling me that he is not good enough for me and then expects us to go to bed together. He thinks that us seeing each other just a couple of times a week is like a date. But then when we have spent that time together failing to agree on anything it feels like the date from hell for us both.
He is planning a trip away to a warm and sunny place for a week with friends. i know this will do him good, and hope he will come back rested. i just don’t know if it will help in any way.
After 20 years i still remember the pain hubby caused me when he cheated on me. Yet i have done something very similar to him. Is this what i wanted?
Of course not. i just wanted to find happiness. On one hand i have found this, but on the other i have caused great pain and sadness and for that i am really sorry.
Trouble is, would i change what i have with Sir?
That really is the million dollar question!

Thoughts and feelings

It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: “do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up”. For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don’t know where my destination is!

It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.

Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn’t have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn’t have explored a side to myself that I didn’t even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn’t have realised that dominance doesn’t mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn’t have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.

Actually a year ago, I didn’t really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don’t know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more. 

I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself – on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn’t know possible.

I don’t know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can’t explain something I don’t understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.

I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic  to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won’t give up this blog.

Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn’t matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.

I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!

Got to decide what to do

Yesterday hubby found my blog. Once again, I was careless. This time I left my history on my iPad and he looked at it and found his way here. As soon as I realised what had happened, and to prevent him from reading more than he had, I stopped it being read by anyone but me and Sir. Hubby is currently away and unlikely to be near a computer. I have opened it up again for the time being, but am considering making it invite only for a while. Another alternative might be to move and rename it. Or more radically to stop writing for a while.

Bear with me while I give it some thought.

Relationships #2

I previously wrote about the relationship that I have with hubby and how I found myself wanting to explore life outside my marriage here. I didn’t actually know that I would be interested in BDSM at all, but I know I was curious and had been for years. Occasionally on tv there is a programme which gives a hint of this kind of lifestyle. Sometimes they edge more towards the factual, showing something of the power dynamic, of the kind of sex that might be involved. Or more usually they depict a version of reality, wrapped up in crime fiction and as I now know, are give just a vague acknowledgement to reality. But about a year ago, I began to read. Firstly I looked at websites – those offering information and forums, then at blogs. At the same time I began to chat online, something I have done before. This time though I attracted perhaps a different type of man. And I found it quite a thrill.

I have kind of , actually chatted online quite a bit and have also met a couple of men before. Chatting and then meeting Sir was different though. This is the first time I have met someone with the intention of having sex and what is more, knowing that the sex we had would be perhaps a little different. I knew with Sir that I was starting something very different, that there would be a power dynamic and that He would be pushing my limits. I was nervous but I had my eyes firmly open. I really wanted this.

I think know that hubby would like to do some of the things with me that I do with Sir. He would like to spank (he has spanked me a bit actually), and he loves  me to dress up. He definitely would like to explore anal, though we never discussed this until he had found my butt plug. The problem though is that I have discovered that I want to be submissive in a relationship and at best hubby is a switch. He struggles to be dominant and definitely couldn’t be dominant consistently. I don’t want to discuss limits with him, I don’t want to let him into this world that I am exploring.

This week he has stated that: ‘you are meant to be my wife’. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don’t want to tell him my innermost thoughts.

His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.

So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.

There is no turning back from this.

I know where this is going.

I don’t take it lightly.

But I am kind of ready to face reality.

I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn’t quite come clean. I know that it won’t be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.

Relationships

“Oh what a complicated web we weave,  when first we practise to deceive!” – Sir Walter Scott

Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren’t surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).

Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn’t want to go, or wasn’t around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.

In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.

One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can’t exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.

I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn’t trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.

i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.

So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can’t actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.

There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later …….. To be continued.