Anticipating the year to come

Just over a week into the new year, and our holiday to Belgium behind us I am now thinking about the year ahead. While I am not necessarily a person who wholly believes in things like numerology, horoscopes or other things psychic,  I do kind of want to believe the idea that 2016 was the year of endings and 2017 about a new start.

It is coming up to 5 years since I began my original journey, over 4 since my ex discovered that I was not the happy bunny he thought I was and almost 3 since I met Master. I think the length of time that has elapsed is enough to know that the procrastination needs to stop and I really do need to get on with life.
Increasingly I feel sad when Master and I have been together for a prolonged period and then have to separate and go to our own homes. This week is no exception. I want to be with him, and need to get on with making that happen. During the second half of last year we completed quite a lot of work in my house and garden, all in preparation of my selling the house. There is now very little to do before the house can go on the market. I anticipate that the process will not be without its stresses, and don’t under estimate the sadness I will feel when I leave. My house is less cluttered that Master’s place. He is working on making it less so, but there is a way to go. Then there is the fact that the house will be his and not mine, though of course there is no reason that it won’t become home to me, but it will take time.
BUT.
Living together will mean that we can get on with living our life together in the way we wish. That our Master / slave dynamic can become a greater element of our lifestyle. It will mean that I can express my submission more overtly and he can do the same with his Dominance. Master has bought me many erotic items of clothing that I get little opportunity to wear because of our current living arrangements.
We will be able to have more sex. As we get older, we need more time for sex, our libido in general has dropped. While the idea is often great our bodies sometimes take longer to respond. Don’t get me wrong we pretty frequent, kinky and very enjoyable sex, but we are definitely restricted by not being together every night.
There is an economic perspective to this too. Living costs for 2 people are much less than double that of 1. That means we can visit more places, do more things and generally enjoy life.
Finally we will be happier together than we are apart and happiness, contentment and a feeling of well being is much healthier. If I think back 5 years I don’t think I even knew how unhappy I was, much less how content I could be.
Just before Christmas, Master and I went to a drinks party at the house of one of his neighbours. He made a comment that when he sees Master on his way into town he often has a smile on his face and appears happy. That, he said, wasn’t always the case.
I anticipate a great year ahead. I think we both do.

Shadows

Do you ever think you see something or someone in your sightline, turn around and realise that the thing or person is not there?

Just part of your imagination?

Perhaps a shadow.

A shadow of the person you were, of a person you knew and loved but who is now gone? A pet that you owned and is also gone?

I often stand in my kitchen, and think I see someone or something outside in the front garden. Afterwards I realise it was a shadow, caused by the way the sun moved across the garden rather than ever quite shining in. It is to do with the way the house is positioned and I know this.

But from time to time I have imagined I briefly witnessed the cat run across the garden, or someone walk down my garden path. But they are not real animals or people, they are shadows.

The cat died 4 or 5 years ago and people who I am not expecting rarely turn up these days, unless they are trying to sell something. Perhaps double glazing or religion.

But actually I like to imagine the ghosts of those lost are around me. Tribbles the cat (named by my son and often out of the house and seeking to come in) who died while his Master was away at university in the USA.  My much loved nan who died 17 years ago and who I swear after she was gone made some of my son’s toys make their electronic noise out of the blue.

Most recently my dad, who died two years ago next week.

Sometimes when I turn around I think I see him walking up the path. In the area because he has been to fit an outside light at someone’s house,  to put in a socket or 5 (he was an electrician) and who is hoping for a cup of coffee, a biscuit and a chat.

But sadly they are all shadows.

Or maybe not so sadly since those shadows bring the memories to the fore and that can’t be either a bad or scary thing. They are the shadows of our lives gone by, our memories and perhaps also of memories to be made in the future. They are something to be valued and enjoyed. Not a very wicked Wednesday, but one from the heart.

Choices

We all make choices everyday. When to get up, what to eat, where to go, what to say to others. We have control over our actions, the ability not to be late for work, the ability to eat healthily and to be kind to others. We don’t always exercise the choices we should and sometimes we get ourselves into positions whereby we don’t feel we have a choice at all.

I got myself into such a place over hubby. He cheated early in our marriage when my son was young and we were financially challenged. I faced the choice about our relationship – stay or go, stay of kick him out. But I struggled in the decision making process and believed that I had no choice. I hated the idea of telling others of his infidelity of making people hate him. I hated the idea of being left alone, of being a single parent. I hated the idea of being even more hard up financially than I already was, working full time and getting no where. So I made the choice to stay and keep the status quo.

At the time, I thought I had no choice and therefore had made no choice at all, but of course I did choose what to do. I thought he would choose to leave, but he didn’t. In truth we were as bad as each other.

I eventually chose to precipitate the end of that marriage, getting on for 20 years later and to be honest I probably made things worse for us both in waiting so long. But if I hadn’t waited I might not be where I am now. I might not have met Master and might not have discovered the depth of my submission and desire to submit to him.

Looking back I was always submissive, it is who I am. My difficulties in making choices, not because I can’t but because I really don’t want to, perhaps stem from this being my preference, part of my personality. Just as my desire to please and to care for everyone around me is part of my natural way.

But I did make the choice in the end. I faced everyone including a grown up son. I discovered that people thought no worse of me for making the choice and discovered that many people had thought I should be making that choice sooner. Most though never articulated their thoughts on my relationship with hubby. When people start to admit that they didn’t really like him after such a long time it feels rather odd. I guess they felt it wasn’t their business, not their choice to make.

This is a choice I made rather late in the day, but one I am pleased I managed to make in the end and one that led to me being able to meet Master. It has enabled us to choose each other. It enabled me to choose to be his slave and him to choose to be my Master.

Playing in a public place

There are a number of things we have done in a public place. I have often worn no underwear beneath my clothes when out, either shopping, visiting public places or perhaps eating in a restaurant. Most of the time I am oblivious to what people either notice or think. Personally I am of the opinion that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, or perhaps their phones to know or care what others do around them. Indeed I frequently climb over people on the train who don’t even know I was sitting next to them, so much are they absorbed by their phone or tablet computer! Master and I often observe others in the course of their daily lives and wonder if they even notice us. And not just because we are people in our 50’s and so invisible to younger people. 

Anyway, I digress. The one thing that I haven’t done is to play and be played with in public. I have had sex in a public place, but unseen by public eyes. I have been touched up (frequently) in public, and as far as I know been unseen by anyone. I say as far as I know since no one has ever indicated otherwise or called the police. 
We have spoken a lot about visiting a club and playing in public. This appeals to me on a number of levels. While Master has quite a lot of equipment, his playroom at home is restricted in size and range of larger equipment. But mainly when we play at home there is just us. We can’t watch others and they can’t see us. More than anything that is for me the next level of kink that I aspire to climb. 
I own kinky clothes that would have more impact in a public place. I know people that I would love to see in a different arena from the local munch. I am an extrovert and I like an audience. But what I don’t know until I try is if I would like to play in a public place.
Would I be as keen for others to see me in pain, to whimper and protest. Would I want to admit that I am aroused by those feelings. Would I want to be seen by an audience in a situation that today I have only experienced in private?
Yes, actually I think I do. 

Aspirations

There is so much about my life that I love, that I am happy with.

I love the freedom I have to do as I please, which happens to match up well to the things that Master wants. This is because we seem to be able to combine travel, culture and sitting around doing very little in equal measure. I also love the fact that we are able to communicate in a way that wasn’t always the case for me with my ex.
But who is the person I aspire to be, what do I want to be able to do and how do I most want to live my life?
Much as I love my job, it would be true to say that I find it a challenge to keep up the pretence of arriving each day and continuing to be as excited about it as I always was. I would like to be able to take breaks from work from time to time, to be able to go off and spend time travelling with Master. Doing the things we love to do. 
The only way to achieve this goal is to get on and sell this house. So, because I really want this, I have begun my programme of getting ready for the sale. Master is definitely in the mood to keep me focused on getting these little projects done each week, as I am focused on getting him to de-clutter his bachelor pad for the arrival of me, his slave. 
You see, we are both clear that we aspire to live together. We know that we have work to do to get to a place where we have the space for us both. He has promised me a room to put the things that are personal but which I don’t wish to put into storage. We have promised each other the space also to learn to live together and to be the people we want to be.
I want to be free to do as I choose. I need to free myself from the final confines of marriage to divorce and to separate our assets. My ex and I struggle to communicate and I recognise that in this relationship I need to dominate. Failure to do so means that nothing is ever achieved. So my particular aspiration right now is to get on and make that permanent separation happen. 
I aspire to be the slave Master wants and probably needs. Once my house is sold I will have less need to work because I will have financial security. I will be able to work either fewer hours or work periodically and then I can be available to Master, to serve him as he wishes. We will be able to travel and do the things we both want. We will be able to export new places and experience new things.
We are people in our middle age. We know that we have achieved a great deal to date. We both have children and in my case a parent to think of, but we also know that we are at a time in our life where considering ourselves and each other is just, if not more important. I need to think of myself, but also to think of him. He does likewise. 
We aspire now to have a good time. We aspire to be free to demonstrate the dynamic we have chosen for ourselves and for each other.
I aspire most of all to be his slave and to be free to demonstrate that I am his slave all of the time. I aspire to be free to be able to modify my body as we both desire, and to show that body to him as we wish. 
But we do recognise that we live in the real world and that doing as we wish cannot always be achieved. So perhaps we just aspire to be left alone to be ourselves most of the time.

Q is for………

  • Questions:
  • Found on tumblr, I give you these:


  • 1:When did you lose your virginity?
  • guess I was quite late, since I was 18, especially since it was with someone who I had been going out with for a couple of years. I later married him. Alarm bells anyone?
  • 2:Rough sex or soft sex?
  • Not either, but both. 
  • 3:Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? 
  • Er, only if you include bondage, the odd spanking or flogging, and the fact that we live an M/s lifestyle to name a thing or 3.
  • 4:Weirdest place you’ve had sex?
  • A picnic table…….
  • 5:Favourite sex position?
  • On top of Master is something of a favourite for us both. He loves to feel his properties tits and to be able to touch her generally!
  • 6:Do you like to be dominant or submissive?
  • submissive 🙂
  • 7:Have you ever had any one night stands?
  • Nope, I don’t think I am really a one night stand kind of a girl
  • 8:Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?
  • We have done all 3. The floor or couch for the purposes of need and lust. Bed for comfort
  • 9:Have you ever had sex in a public place?
  • Yep, some woods and a picnic table with S
  • 10:Have you ever been caught masturbating?
  • Not that I can think of. These days there is no one to catch me, and Master loves to watch
  • 11:What does your favourite sexy underwear look like?
  • I am so happy that Master prefers me naked!
  • 12:How often do you have sex?
  • It depends on how much we are together and what else is going on, a couple of times a week. We don’t live together though…..
  • 13:Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?
  • Master, of course…..
  • 14:Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
I love both. This wasn’t always the case, at one time I wasn’t sure I liked either. How times change. 
  • 15:Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?
  • Once when S and I were at his friend’s house, they turned up. To be fair, the friend had been in hospital with a brain injury and had forgotten that he had given the keys to S. He arrived home with his teenage daughters for a weekend visit!
  • 16:A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?
  • Madonna, Erotica is a favourite of ours.
  • 17:A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?
  • Not sure, but my favourite song of always is Angels, Robbie Williams
  • 18:Are you into dressing up for sex?
  • Yes, if it involves a leather harness or something
  • 19:Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?
  • Probably the shower
  • 20:If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?
  • Master of course, who else
  • 21:Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?
  • 3 or 4, yes. I was an event that happened. I would do it again, if Master wanted such a thing, but wouldn’t go looking.
  • 22:Do you/would you use sex toys?
  • They have an important place, both in terms of what Master likes to do to / with me during play, but also in masturbating.
  • 23:Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?
  • Occasionally 
  • 24:Would you have sex with your best friend?
  • Master is probably my best friend these days, so yes.
  • 25:Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)
  • Sex in the morning then we will have coffee, but if at night, just sleep.
  • 26:Something that will never fail to get you horny?
  • Master playing with his slave – tits, clit, or whatever. Him playing with himself while looking at porn. The butt plug.
  • 27:Early morning sex or late night sex?
  • either, but early morning is more common.
  • 28:Favourite body part on the opposite sex?
  • Eyes, smile, cock……
  • 29:Favourite body part on the same sex?
  • A pair of shapely legs. 
  • 30:Do you watch porn?
Yes, I find porn much more interesting and sexy than I would have imagined. 


K is for ……….

Kneeling and knocking over your gin and tonic (more of that later)

Kneeling didn’t always carry the meaning for me that it does now. When I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s I was a district (community) nurse and in those days we spent quite a bit of time on our knees. In hospital the furniture is set at a particular height, which both allows the patient to easily move, say from bed to chair plus the height helps with the strain on the back. It was less often during that time that furniture was at the right height for either, though we had hoists, blocks to raise chairs etc. However, I know I spent quite a bit of time on the floor, on my knees. Sometimes this was about getting closer to the patient, holding their hand and in the absence of any where close to sit, I would kneel. Other times it was about dressings, often to the legs. Rather than bed, I would kneel.

All of that is a long time ago and I am no longer 30 something. My back gets stiff and painful from my nursing career and it is less easy to jump up from my knees. Plus, when I kneel my back aches.

However the desire to kneel is great.

There is nothing more special that when Master demands: ‘On your knees girl’. Often this means He wishes me to suck His cock. Or perhaps He just wishes to exert His Dominance and authority over me. There is something about those words that make my knees weak and allow sinking to my knees all the easier. If naked He might request I spread my knees apart so that he can feel the slickness spreading between my legs. Sometimes He will place a leather collar around my neck, or perhaps put on a harness. Somehow the combination of those things: the collar, the kneeling, feeling my cunt will almost bring me off on the spot. For me kneeling is part of  my submission, all more special because I don’t do it so often, or for long. Half an hour like that and it is difficult to actually move. The mind is willing but the body is knackered!

It has been a busy working day and I was later home because I was helping my son with the sale of the car he was given after my dad died ( it didn’t happen but that is another story). Dinner out of the way, the clearing up done, I sat down to write this post and sat for a moment wondering what word to include with Kneeling.

I glanced out in the garden and noticed in the dusky gloom, the towels I put on the washing line yesterday and which were too wet to bring in last night due to the showers I didn’t predict. I jumped up, thinking I would sort that first. I put one foot into my boot (which I had helpfully kicked off near to the sofa; oh how lazy you become when living alone) and somehow knocked over my lovely glass of gin and tonic!!!

So as I cleared up the mess and refilled my glass before bringing in the towels I named the second part of this post; K for knocking over your gin and tonic!





Mind and body

This post is inspired by this one by Geno Day. Turmoil of the mind and its effects on the body, and vice versa.

Generally these days I am a reasonably calm person. I say these days, because perhaps that wasn’t always so. For a period of time my life itself was in a state of flux as I worked through the decisions I had made to stray from my marriage and then to end it. Meeting Master occured during that time and I struggled to balance the various elements of my life as it was then with discovering my apparent deep seated need for submission. Times spent with him, meant learning to let go of my daily life, and embracing the new experiences he offered me. I learned to go for whole days and longer without considering my job or the other people in my life who had a call on me – the nearly ex husband, my son, my parents. Instead I learned to concentrate on me and on him, my Sir as he was at the time. We played quite a bit in those early days and through that play, I found out so much about my body discovering that by letting go of the turmoil present within my mind, something else took its place. A freedom in my head, the ability to allow my submission to build and to take its place. Perhaps though the turmoil moved to a new place; somewhere around my groin area. 

Orgasms were for a long time a way of gaining release from the frustrations of my life and the marriage where I seemed unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The freedom that came with those orgasms were however short lived, momentary even. Meeting Master, however meant that things felt different. Sex was different, I enjoyed it, embraced it, loved it even. Orgasms were no longer mine to own, and in the main, he decided when they occured. Having that control removed, freed me even more, allowing my body to respond to him and my mind to focus on him. He trained my to respond to his command, counting me down from 5 or 10 or heaven forbid, 20. I found that by focusing on him and not on what the end result was to be meant that I was able to orgasm on his command. My body responded in a way that I would never have imagined.

Fast forward to now, just over two years into the relationship. Now his slave and his property, I am the writhing slut he wants and needs. My body often enters a state of physical turmoil towards the end of the count, as I fight to control it until it is time. My body writhes and reacts almost of its own accord as the physical conscious reacts with the unconscious. Fluid gushes from my pussy, demonstrating the physical arousal. My clitoris hardens and sounds emerge from my mouth as all of the emotions come together in climax. He loves  me to look at him as I cum. He loves to see my eyes shining and I love to see the power that he recognises in himself at that moment. As the turmoil passes, so I thank him for the gift of that orgasm. He owns them, but gives them freely to me and then he tells me I am a good girl. 

Calmness returns.