30 Days of Submission – Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Well finally i have reached day 30, who would imagine 30 days would be such a long time (I started this in August!) Considering the events of the past 10 days or so, it is fitting that i should be answering this question now. This is because this is just what i face. The change in my situation that could easily happen would probably lead me to be without the submission i crave. Just now, i cannot contemplate that happening.

If anyone had told me at the beginning of this year that i would want to kneel before a man, and put my body at his disposal, i would have told them they were mad. But it is kneeling before him or indeed bending over for him so he can spank me, feel me, fuck me, do with me what he wants, that has made me feel like a real person at last. Faced now with the possibility that i could be forced to give all this up is something i cannot bear. 


i have thought lots over the months and especially this past week, about what makes submission special. for me i think it is about giving all of myself to another. It is about being prepared to place myself in His hands, at his will and mercy. Then it is the feelings that this submission creates inside of me. Being tied up, wearing his collar, being spanked, being told to keep my legs open, being humiliated; all of those things make me overwhelmed with submissive feelings. 

i know that i can’t do this with just anyone. i feel blessed to have met Sir and to have found my submission with Him. What i feel for him is very special and i think he knows that. i trust him and can’t wait to submit to him again very soon.

Photo Source: Badlittlemiss


 

30 Days of Submission – Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

If someone had asked me this question this time last year, i would have told them that i embrace neither pain or humiliation. i would not have believed that sexual arousal is linked so closely to submission and that pain from clamped nipples and clit and a good spanking would practically give me an orgasm. i would never have believed i would dress in public like some kind of slut – clothes barely covering my underwear (or lack of it) and stocking tops. My willingness to do these things, to embrace both pain and humiliation isn’t something that comes without a significant person to do those things with and for. i am an exhibitionist but i am not about to parade in public for just anyone nor am i going to go up to any man in the street (or on fetlife or some chat room) and ask to be spanked. 

I consider myself very lucky to have found someome special to be humiliated and spanked by. We hit it off from the first time we chatted online and then on the phone and clicked during our first meeting. So much so that we did things together that first night that neither of us can quite believe to this day. i put my trust in him and that trust has grown steadily. The humiliation was present from that first meeting. i walked into a bar wearing a very short skirt, a wrapover top which i wasn’t sure would remain wrapped over, stockings and heels. At his instruction i opened my legs for him for the first time in that bar (they have barely been closed in his presence since) and acted the slut picking up a stranger in a bar. It was almost not even fiction. 

The pain came later and grew gradually. i admit to having a love hate relationship with it. Some pain i love and embrace readily, particularly when it involves my nipples. Pain there links directly to my pussy and puts me into an amazing place especially when combined with some firm pressure (for example pinching or clamping) of my clit. Spanking is a different thing. i want it, and when i get it part of me wants it to stop immediately, but the other part (the one where i am getting wetter) wants it to continue. Last time he used a belt on me and that was pretty painful but actually very pleasurable at the same time (especially when you look back at it from a distance of 10 days or so). We have more to explore in this area, more implements to try and luckily there are many bloggers to go to for advice on just what these might be. Lots and lots to look forward to.

As i have said before, we are at a point in the year when meeting will be more difficult, where arranging those meetings will be technically tricky. But writing this and being reminded of my submission and how much i love to submit to Him makes me want to overcome those logistical difficulties and embrace my submission through pain and humiliation soon.

Day Out – Part 2

i am a very lucky slut in that my Master tolerates my moodiness. So an hour after part 1, i was stripped to my basque, suspenders and heeled boots, lying on my back on a large (and might i say lovely) table. What do you call a large table which sits just a few inches high, like that, in the middle of the living room (coffee, occasional?) He was leaned over me, His cock in my mouth, His fingers caressing my pussy. Already i was putty in His hands, my previous irritations long gone. I took his cock in my mouth, i sucked and licked, i took him as deep as i could and then sucked and licked some more. i think, and things are a little hazy, i asked to cum and was granted that amazing experience. He is good like that. He attends to my needs and i know that in doing so, it turns Him on.

He made us tea (we had both had quite long journey’s to meet) and then said we should repair upstairs (He is old fashioned like that). Sensibly, i drank most of my tea before we got that far.

He cuffed me, applied nipple clamps and had me crouch on the bed, legs wide. i was beyond wet. Still in my post orgasmic state i was ready for what was to come next. Not only did He spank me with his hand and the lead to my collar he also from somewhere produced a belt. Now that belt hurt, but pain and i are developing a new kind of relationship. It made me wetter than wet and as he said ‘pliable’. Who doesn’t want to be pliable for their Master?

i asked him about this last night. To begin with pain didn’t feature. He wasn’t keen on inflicting it and i wasn’t keen on receiving it. But it turns out the two are linked. As i discovered that receiving pain turns me on, he finds that giving me pain turns him on. This is a really good thing and a self fulfilling prophesy!

His tongue licked me. i was almost wild with desire as it flicked around my clit. Then his tongue was replaced with his fingers, pinching me, giving me pain and pleasure at the same time. My clamped nipples tingled and burned, my pussy was beyond wet. His tongue moved to my ass hole, his fingers still on my clit.  i think around that time i asked for and was given another orgasm (as i say it is hazy).

Then at last he said “what is Master going to do now?”
“You are going to fuck my arse Sir”

There is something about anal sex which i cannot fully describe. He is the only man to have ever gone there. It is a kind of forbidden place and it feels just so special. He claims me. i submit. And so it was. He loves that He is the only person to have ever have fucked me there and the feeling is mutual.

This was a day out made in heaven!

30 Days of Submission – Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticised for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

In the words of Edith Piaf: je regrette rien. This has been a year of learning about submission and so far i haven’t felt let down in any way, shape or form. i am not sure who is going to criticise me and even if they did, i think i am old enough and ugly enough to cope. Since this a non answer to a non question, perhaps i should move on to something else!

i am to go to work in crotchless red knickers tomorrow, in November. i am to make myself cum while at work and tell him about it when i see him on Saturday. On Saturday i am to wear the same crotchless knickers. He thinks that will be a big turn on, having me turn up in knickers that i have already cum in. Of course, since the knickers are crotchless, and barely cover anything they are unlikely to be too dirty even after all that wear. Of course you understand this is not my normal behaviour, i generally change  my underwear daily (when of course i am wearing it). 

i was going to arrive to meet Sir in jeans on Saturday (i need to leave the house and return as i normally would to go shopping with a girlfriend). But of course joolz has quite a big mouth when she gets excited and somewhere during our conversation last night i agreed to arrive to meet him in crotchless red knickers (see above), stockings and suspenders, my newly purchased black suede boots and my new coat (not sure what else will be worn underneath yet, but not much i think. i am thinking that it is a good thing that the train station i arrive at in the capital City has recently been renovated. i am hoping this means that the ladies toilets are suitably clean, tidy and warm! 

Still if a girl wants to be clamped and spanked she needs to make some sacrifices. Who wouldn’t dress like a slut, be humiliated and submit to get what she needs. Who could ever regret submission under these circumstances? Not me that’s for sure! 

100th Blog post and 30 days of submission Day 27

I have been having one of those weekends where you potter around doing a bit of this and that. Some shopping, some housework, some surfing and some Bond. Yes Bond. On Friday we went to see Skyfall along with dinner out. The film was great and dinner was fine. I won’t say anything about the film since people will be going to see it at different times, but I liked it. It was a good start to a pottering kind of weekend.  

Today, we went out to a local out of town shopping kind of place to get the coat I want. I tried it on in one size too small and one size too big. I like the coat but neither sizes were quite right, so I ordered it online once we got home. Now, as I write this, hubby alternates between more Bond (there is a whole Sky channel devoted just to James Bond films) and football (the soccer kind) and his naughty kinky wife has been surfing the internet for suitable photos for her blog post 100. In my defense, I did the ironing first. 

So that’s the vanilla, family kind of life out of the way and here is the kinky side. I was thinking that in combining this momentous blog (number 100) with a day of submission, a picture like this would be appropriate.



This is the kind of position Sir likes me in, and this is how he likes me dressed. Many of our fantasies involve me wearing stockings and suspenders with some very high heels under whatever clothes i have on for the scene. Over the time it has taken to post 100 times here, i have come to enjoy this more and more. He has helped to nurture my submission, and to enjoy it. i in turn embrace it more and more.

So to Day 27 of 30 Days of Submission. This is highly appropriate:

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

We have explored many fantasies together. Some have been fulfilled and some are still there to be achieved. I would like to be bound more like this:

I would definitely like to spend more time restrained, perhaps blindfolded and gagged. I would like to explore how the senses can be made to respond when you are unable to see or speak and are restrained. To have Him make me keep my legs open for him, to have Him use me while i am unable to prevent him doing what he wants to me, appeals greatly. 

I definitely would like to explore humiliation some more. I have a love / hate relationship with being made to dress in a provocative way while out in public. To touch and be touched in places where we might be discovered. But I would definitely like to be pushed to do much more of that.

I think what I am saying is there are more extremes of what we have done so far to be explored before I tackle new fantasies. But rest assured there will be more of those to think up too!

Photos from the mind circus 

30 Days of Submission – Day 26

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

i think that probably i was looking for someone a bit different from the man with whom i live. There are certain aspects of the life i have here that i wouldn’t wish to replicate. Plus truth be known, i was a woman of a certain age looking for fun. In my opinion i have been pretty successful. i wanted my dominant to be well dominant. i wanted him to tell, not ask and essentially that is what i get. i wanted him to help me to push the boundaries and that is what i got. 


The interesting thing though is that i didn’t set out for an actual relationship, i was just looking for some fun online. But once we had chatted online and we moved onto the phone calls and once during those phone calls i did the things he instructed and loved it, i wanted more. Much more.


i wanted more sex, i wanted to try sex in ways i had never tried before, i wanted to submit. i wanted to dress for him, to parade myself for him, i wanted the humiliation and the excitement. i didn’t know i wanted to be restrained, to be spanked, clamped. But i do.


What i also got was a fun, intelligent man. Someone to have a serious conversation with, to watch a film with, to discuss books with, even to visit a museum with! I also got a man who cooks a mean steak and who can be relied on to finish off the pudding i can’t and shouldn’t eat. 


i have learned not to prejudge what you want, but to expect the unexpected and to enjoy the moment. Hoping for some of those moments soon!

And on a lighter note……..


30 Days of Submission – Days 24 and 25

When i started this whole 30 days of submission thing, i had an idea that i would get it all done and dusted in a month. I haven’t even come close to doing that, but since i am now up to day 24, i guess i am not doing too badly. Here are today’s offerings:

What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

As others have said, this question is phrased in an odd way since it is not really clear that specific emotions allow access to submission. Surely it is something that you are or not. Having said that, i do try to get into a good ‘mental space’ to allow me to give myself completely to my Master. I have spoken before about preparing my body (shaving etc), applying makeup that i might not usually wear (e.g. red lipstick), stockings, heels, sexy underwear. These things help but are not essential since as soon as i am required to kneel or to get on all fours, or if he puts on my collar or starts to spank me, i am there. 

Sir has commented that sometimes i ‘get in quite deep’, and yes i do slip into what some might identify as subspace (i am no expert on this) and become quite emotional. This makes me feel very submissive and i would at that point do most things. It made a nice change this week when i saw Him, not to actually do that but to in effect keep my emotions (or wits) about me. submission can be emotionally draining and when you are physically tired as i was this week, that is not always what you need. 

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The most obvious item would be the collar. When i look at myself in the mirror while i am wearing it i see a submissive woman looking back at me. It is a real object, but also a symbol. i would like to be able  to wear something more of the time that signified to us both that i am his submissive and  maybe that is something we will do in the future. 

We don’t have specific rituals, but there are things we do more often than not. kneeling, wearing the collar, sucking his cock. The order in which we do things, the things we do, the way we do them, these are all down to his preference. For once in my life, i don’t have to decide. The choices are not mine. I place myself in his hands and i submit. That is the ritual and that’s the bit i love so much.

30 Days of Submission – Days 22 and 23

Time to try to bring this series towards its conclusion, so days 22 and 23:

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

I never considered submission before all of this started and i have become more submissive because of it. If the relationship ended, i can’t see i would just continue to be submissive as i would need someone to be submissive with or to. Hubby would love me to be submissive to him no doubt (we haven’t discussed it) but he would just play on the domestic side of things and i have no desire for that kind of relationship. i already spend enough of my time doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc etc and i have no desire to extend that further. i guess i would have to work out what to do with my submissive feelings if and when the need arose. Right now though all is well, thank you very much.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

It is very healthy to question your feelings i think and that is pretty much what i have done here over the last few months. i would like to have the opportunity to express my submission much more, but it is difficult in a longer distance relationship where you don’t see each other each day. 

i respect the relationships others, who are in full time relationships with their Dominants, have. i am even envious of way in which the submissives are able to make themselves available at all times to their partner. As mentioned in the previous question, i don’t really like the idea of domestic discipline (there is enough domestic drudgery going on here already), particularly in that i wouldn’t want rules about what i was meant to do or the standards i should keep. That would never happen if i was with Sir full time anyway since i would be the one introducing some rules (he is playing the bachelor lifestyle to the full if truth be known). i am not keen on the idea of needles or blood (not my own, as being a nurse i have lots of experience of both relating to others), and some of the spanking blogs used to have me cringing slightly. But since i am turning into a bit of a spanking slut, i can’t really say that any more. I have learnt over the months that submission is a moving feast of ideas to be embraced. Nothing wrong with that either!

30 Days of Submission – Days 20 and 21

After my holiday and the resulting period of navel gazing reflection what better way to get me back on the submission straight and narrow but the next installments of 30 days of submission? So here goes:

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Over the months since i first began to consider Dominance and submission in any serious kind of way and to practice elements of it, my submission has, as you might expect increased. This is of course part of the learning process i am going through with Sir as my tutor (as it were). But also writing this blog, reading the writings of others (real and fiction) has helped me to think about how i want to be as a submissive. One of the biggest things of course is the trust i need to place in Him when i am submitting to Him. Trust is something that develops over time, and as i increasingly place my trust in Him (whether that is about bondage, about the humiliating situations i submit myself to or whatever), i feel more submissive towards Him. It is almost as if when we are together, and in the middle of a scene, i can release myself completely to Him. I tend to over think, over analyse (who would have thought it?), but for increasing periods of time when we are together i can let all of that stuff go. Maybe that is why i am suddenly so reflective again – i just need to be with Him, submitting. Who knows?

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position where i have no or little control over what i can do feels submissive. Kneeling in front of Him, especially when i have just arrived and would prefer to be on my feet holding and being held while we kiss. On all fours on the bed or floor while he pushes his cock into me. Probably the most submissive thing for me though has been anal sex. I was curious before, but never imagined i would actually like it. It is hard to explain why that is, other than that it arouses me more than i could imagine and that, yes, it makes me feel ever more submissive. I love the power it feels that it gives Him. Plus it is something i have never done with anyone else and at present have no desire to do so. 

30 Days of Submission – Days 18 and 19

Time for days and 18 and 19 of submission. This series is feeling longer than it did at the beginning, not that i am sure why i didn’t realise this since 30 days is pretty much a month. Any case doing them 2 at a time seems pretty sensible right now!

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Lots of discussion and planning goes into deciding on what we might / will do together. During these planning times i freely express what i desire and or need. We play out scenes, or just discuss what will happen. If we are playing out a scene online for example, then He will take the lead as he would if it were happening in real time, but there will be more discussion. On one side i may suggest something and he will pick it up and follow through, or else he may gently push me so that my limits have changed by the next time we meet. 

We don’t have the kind of relationship where by he is telling me what to do all day, often we don’t communicate for a few days, then at other times there will be emails, texts or be will chat on yahoo messenger. We have settled into this routine and i think it suits us right now.  

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

i don’t have anyone within my everyday life in whom i can discuss my submission or any other part of the relationship with Sir. This is why blogging has been such an amazing revelation to me. I love finding out what my fellow bloggers are up to, contributing to their blogs and having everyone visit here and leave their thoughts and comments. 

I have had a few online chats with people i have met on fetlife and through blogging and that definitely helps. Friendships develop over time, not over night, but i expect these to develop a bit more over time. i have to be careful contributing to online discussions on fetlife, since on some forums people are very judgemental about relationships which take place outside of marriage (if one or both of the parties are married to another). 

i haven’t been to any munches etc, and would be nervous to go to such events on my own. i think Sir and i might go to them together if it wasn’t for the fact that we live a bit too far apart. At present i can live with the lack of social input, but i think that in the future i would like that to change. Discussing TTWD is one thing, and discussing the fact that this is conducted outside of my marriage is something else. Putting the two together might be a step too far.