Question memes

Back in 2012 and 2013 there were great periods of time when I had little to write about. Having embarked upon an illicit affair with someone living 100 miles away, we weren’t able to see each other often. So, in the absence of excitement in my life and to avoid dull writing I joined in with various question memes.

The first question meme was 30 days of submission which I tackled in August 2012 and then revisited in 2014 when with Master. By then my knowledge of my own submission had grown. I had a greater insight into my own needs. But also the difference in this relationship was evident. Communication between Master and I was always better. He expected me to communicate in a way that S grew tired of. Also of note is that I wrote those answers in the third person. I recommend these questions to anyone new to submission or to a D/s relationship.

The second set of questions was 30 days about me which I wrote in 2013. Like most of these things, it starts out as a great idea but becomes something of a bind in the end. Which is why I ended up bundling questions together in one post.

30 days of Kink date back to 2017. Many of the answers are again joined in one post. This is because the questions are often quite repetitive. Or at least I was repetitive in my answers.

Finally, something I started but haven’t finished (though I do intend to) is the Loving BDSM 30 days of D/s. I seem to have got to day 12. You can find my posts here.


Finishing off the 30 days of kink

If there was one thing about myself that I would love to change it would probably be to see things through to the end. I am pretty good with ideas, and I am very good at starting a project. But I am less good at actually finishing it. At work, I often find myself losing interest if the going gets a bit tough or others aren’t as enthusiastic as me. But generally because it is part of my working life and it is what I am paid to do, I make sure that I push on to the end. 
At home I am not always quite so committed. If a book begins to get dull or isn’t well written I invariably give up on it. If a blog post fails to look and feel right I might park it or even delete. This morning I realised that while in 2015 I started the 30 days of kink meme, getting to day 19, I never actually finished it. Since I want to do some tidying up on the blog and move the 30 days of kink onto the meme page, I have decided to get on and finish it off (rather than delete or leave it unfinished. So here goes:
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand
There are a few things to be curious about, for example how does it feel to be tied up in a shibari rope and suspended above the floor? What would it be like to be flogged in public? Equally there are things I am not keen on and don’t really get, for example needle play – why would you want to do it and what pleasure would there be in it? Still I never say never about anything, but I will never be first in the queue to try needle play.
Day 21: Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I have read a number of BDSM related books over the years, both fiction and non-fiction. Indeed when I began this journey, I found that they helped me to find out the kink that I thought I might be interested in. Even with the contents of my kindle to hand, it is difficult to remember all of them; some are much better written and more believable than others.
In terms of fiction, I enjoyed the Rescue Me Saga, written by Kallypso Masters which started with Masters at Arms & Nobody’s Angel  and the Brie series, by Red Phoenix which started with Brie’s Submissive Training  
My first ever non fiction book was the New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy, which I still rate very highly.
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
A healthy relationship takes work by both parties. Whether vanilla or BDSM there is a need for good communication, particularly the ability to listen and understand each other. There is a need to give and take, to care for each other. Some friends of mine once said that a successful relationship needs sex, love and friendship in equal measure.
The nature of a BDSM relationship means that you also must respect each other, there must be trust and communication is perhaps more important. It is difficult to know if the fact that we talk to each other, consider each others feelings and respect each other more than ever was the case with my ex has anything to do with it being a Master slave relationship. We have come into this knowing what we wanted from each other, and over time we have settled into a routine that suits us. 

Our lifestyle might appear vanilla to some, but M/s and kink is never far below the surface of our life. 
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
I have learnt that there is no right or wrong when it comes to kink and that no two relationships function in the same way. I recognise that I need to feel Master’s control over me, I need him to be in charge. I increasingly find decision making difficult and that my preference is for him to make them for me. That isn’t to say I am unable to function or that I don’t make decisions for myself, it is just my preference. 3 years ago I had no real idea what being a slave might mean. Funnily enough I thought I knew about myself and my submission and about submission in general. But it turns out I was and am still learning. As they say, you are never too old to learn, or it turns out to change. 
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
I have never looked for a partner, or really been clear what I would be looking for if I were. There have really only been 3 serious relationships in my life and I have been lucky that all 3 have been with caring men. Now though I am probably happier than I ever have before and that is because this man meets my needs in so many ways. He is kind and considerate and my needs are pretty near the front of the queue. He has a great sense of humour, and we laugh a lot. He is intelligent, and well read and trying to keep up with him on any kind of level stretches my own mind. He is perceptive and that means he is very good at also stretching my body and my list of kinks. 
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
I am not at all open with the vast majority of people partly because I don’t believe it is their business and also because I doubt they would understand. I don’t particularly want to be judged. However if someone asked me about it and I felt that they truly wanted to know I would tell them. I feel lucky to have a few friends who I can speak openly to, but in the main its just Master and I. 
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play? 
I can hardly be against it since that is really how Master and I met. On almost exactly 3 years ago we met in a chat room, where there was lots of online play going on. I quite enjoyed it, but always knew it was just a bit of fun. Some people take it far more seriously, but then they probably aren’t going to meet the people they play with in real life. We still used to visit the chat room once we had met, but online play then felt a bit ridiculous and even though he hadn’t said that I couldn’t play with other men, I really didn’t want to. Finally the chat activities on that particular site changes and the rooms became less popular, anyway our own relationship in real life developed to an extent that we no longer needed to go there. 
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Of course, my life isn’t spent separating its various elements and doing one thing at a time. The only area where there is no overlap is with work, and family stuff. In everything else yes. For example we love to travel, and there are lots of times when I will be dressed to please him and that will lead to some kinky play while we are out and about. 
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Master has bought me a number of leather outfits, a spanking skirt, waistcoats, and some harnesses that I sometimes will wear for our play times. Other times I will be naked. It’s really up to him in the main.
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title(eg mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, Sir)? What is your opinion of these titles in general?
My title is girl. That’s what Master calls me most of the time, only occasionally calling me by my given name. Sometimes he will call me slut, or more often get me to call myself slut, or whore or some other. I have no problem with any of these words or titles. It feels ok when I say them and I guess I am just used to it.
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I am not sure there is anything else to say and if anything springs to mind I will add it in.

30 Days of Kink: Days 16 – 19

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

The most difficult thing must be the need to be quite so guarded about the way we choose to live our lives when it comes to BDSM and kink generally.

Often people ask how Master and I met. For example I was recently out with a friend who is considering online dating to find a new partner. She was curious about which website I had used to find Master. But since that website was, I really didn’t feel able to be honest. So told her, as I have said before, that it was ‘just a chatroom’. I don’t feel comfortable telling people the kind of website it is, or the actual name since I am not sure it would be their of place. Plus there is always the chance that people might go to look and find me and of course Master there (unlikely I know).

Another challenge is when people start to talk about kinky sex and their personal understanding of it (usually relating to 50 shades of Grey). An off the cuff comment about spankings, about anal and I can almost feel the colour rising in my cheeks as I try to sound cool, uninterested and unknowledgeable. 

What I do like though is that I have friends I can discuss kink with openly and that we have the munch we attend where gradually we are getting to know people and can also be ourselves much more

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

That our lives are like the fictional characters that now seem to abound the internet. It is not obligatory for the Dom to be a billionaire who has problems forming relationships and who had a domineering mother. Or for the submissive to wander blindly into the relationship. Kink is also not just about sex and spanking, though both may be involved. For us, kink is about the power exchange dynamic on a day to day basis. 

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Not really. The key thing I have learned in all of this is that each relationship is different and that communication is the key. Our lives are not just about kink, rather we exist in the real world.

Any Unexpected Ways Kink Has Improved Your Life? If So, What Are They?

My life is better in so many ways. I have a wonderful, uninhibited sex life. A partner who pushes me to be the sexual being that it turns out I am. A relationship which involves being open and responsive, and where communication is key. Plus I have met some amazing people who I would never even have encountered. Finally and most importantly I have found out who I am and what I really need from my life and a man who is able to fulfil that.

30 days of kink days 12-15

Unlike day 11, 12-15 lend themselves to a multiple post, so here goes.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.

We love to people watch (that goes for kinky and non kinky) and there’s lots to enjoy and laugh about between yourselves when you watch people. Sometimes it’s about people who take themselves way way too seriously and  other times it will be about something someone has said or something they did. Munches can be a good place for that kind or interest. Maybe it isn’t kind, but we are older than many people and don’t tend to take ourselves quite as seriously as some others do.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Maybe this girl has always known she was different to other people when it comes to sex, and things that turn her on. It was always easier to ignore those feelings than face them though. In the end though, facing the reality of who you are is easier than turning your back on it.

This girl is turned on by the idea of submitting to another. What is more that submission provides a release from thoughts that would otherwise invade her mind.

This girl finds being restrained (in more ways than being bound by the wrists for example) something that is erotic but also calming.

Pain and pleasure are very closely linked

A person doesn’t need to be constrained by the ideas (she) has about what is ‘normal’. Indeed, by giving those decisions to another a person can find that those original thoughts have moved somewhat.

Just when you think you might have travelled as far as you can, BDSM sends you further on that journey of self discovery.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

In real life we continue to live in the real world. We still have our families, jobs and whatever shit goes with all of that. This means we can’t spend our lives naked and chained at someone’s feet. Plus our Doms aren’t millionaires who spend their lives juggling their subs with their multinational industries. Oh yes and this girl is way to heavy for Master to carry into his private jet at the dead of night so she wakes up across the atlantic. But this girl is working on her weight, and He is working on his wealth so who knows!

Day 15: Post A BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

We haven’t played at a club but that will change soon.

30 Days of Kink – Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

As a (hopefully) sane adult this girl is able to decide for herself the kind of life she wishes to live. What is more, she has spent a lot of time considering what this lifestyle means both in an individual sense and also in the wider context. What is more, this girl is educated – a Degree in nursing and a Masters in Strategic Leadership (yep, the latter is quite pretentious sounding, but was a very interesting course). The important thing about those two qualifications is that this involves a serious amount of reading around the topic(s) is required, and while doing that reading a person is also required to think about the way in which society functions and the extent to which people tend to conform to social norms. 

Essentially, the norm seems to be sex between a man and a woman  which takes place within the confines of the bedroom and can be enjoyed by both parties so long as it is not really discussed (apart maybe from letting the odd survey know that it is carried out at least a couple of times a week). Any kind of kink seems to be considered weird. In these days of sexual exploitation, a controlling media and the idea that there is a Paedophile around every corner, anything outside of that norm is considered weird. Of course the whole FSOG thing has opened up the idea of a bit of bondage and spanking here and there, but it is difficult to gauge just how much the average person believes it really happens outside of a book or film. 

In reality kink is about what two consenting adults decide is right for them (within the realms of what is legal). The biggest thing for this girl is the knowledge that while sexual arousal may take place as part of the kink activity, it doesn’t necessarily need to be about sexual intercourse. In fact, there are times when it can’t be (at events for example). In our relationship, when we are alone together, in a private place then sex is likely to follow play, but it doesn’t have to and for many people it isn’t part of the dynamic. 

So this girl and Master are outside of what is considered ‘normal’, but we have agreed to the things we do. We are adult, apparently sane and we keep most of what we do reasonably private. We don’t tend to cause difficulties to those around us who are going about their normal lives, not that many people seem to have a clue what goes on under their very noses. But then that is part of the fun of all of this!

Sluttiness in a public place – ethically wrong? But not noticed by anyone.

30 days of kink – 3 in one!

As with some of the of 30 days of, it seems that combining days is a good idea, otherwise a girl could be here till Christmas completing it.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic

There are a number things to this photo – firstly she is naked and on her knees, he is fully clothed and is standing up. Look at the way He has His hand on her head. Finally of course, she is restrained and wearing the leash that He is holding.

This speaks to this girl of submission and Dominance, of control, of power and control. 

These are some of the things that this girl finds erotic. Re-enacted in real life and this girl imagines that she would very soon have her mouth around Master’s cock, at His very insistence of course.  

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy

Madonna, Erotica

Master has played music from this album once or twice during a play session and it is beginning to have an effect on this girl even when He is not around. A bit of a Pavlov’s dog thing? 

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

The only limits this girl now has are the hard ones which both this girl and Master agree on anyway. They would be around age play, scat and anything illegal. Other than that, this girl has handed her limits over to Master, she is His slave and that is all that can be said on the subject. He wishes to push this girl’s limits and she trusts that He will do that in the right kind of way. Safe to say, this wouldn’t always feel pleasant, certainly on the surface. This girl finds it both scary and exciting to be pushed, but trusts Him to do it in the right way. 

My favourite toy – 30 Days of Kink / Masturbation Monday

Since this post is being published on a Monday, it is both for 30 days of kink and Masturbation Monday.

I have thought about this, more than a small part of me would love to say that is it is the violet wand and I know that is what Master would love to hear. It is true to say that my Master, also previously known as gadget man, loves His violet wand attachments. I personally enjoy the comb attachment, which He strokes through my hair. Plus there are those that He strokes across my body, resting briefly (or not so) over my piercings. Then there are the electric light bulbs that cause both pain and static and which we are both glad He learned about that Easter day, last year, at BBB.

Ok, so it would be true that those experiences are amazing. But none of them have quite the effect of the Hitachi magic (magic rather than violet) wand. There is nothing, in my opinion quite like direct vibration of the clitoris. When that stimulus is applied through a magic wand the feelings are just beyond amazing. Then if the person to whom the vibrations are applied has no control over the toy, indeed perhaps she is restrained, blindfolded, maybe even gagged, then the stimulus becomes that person’s whole world.

Given the choice of a way to be played with, to be masturbated to be made to orgasm over and over again, the magic wand would be the toy of choice. The situation would be as described above and would be accompanied by the touch of Master’s hands on his slave’s body as it writhed with uncontrolled pleasure. This kind of thing doesn’t happen often, but then perhaps that is a good thing, since it would cease to be quite so special.

Clip from Tumblr

30 Days of Kink, Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

There is nothing weird about any sexual fantasy I have, indeed any fantasies are part of something Master and I share.

He knows that I am not sure that I really want to have sex with a woman; I am not bisexual but going on a previous experience I am willing to experiment. I get that when you are in a state of sexual arousal, it might not be important who is actually providing that stimulus. That knowledge predates any thoughts that I was in any way kinky. What is more, I am not adverse to trying new things, so long as I have a say in what happens going forward. I am also curious to know just how I will feel if I see Master having sex with another woman.

Looking back, my previous experience in this area is pretty hazy. It was the girl on girl part that i remain unsure about, but then the whole thing remains pretty surreal, since S, I realise now was trying to tick off a bucket list of things he might do before he got too old to do them. That particular weekend, when taken into the context of his driving a trebuchet at an English castle (which essentially involved running around a large hamster wheel) and enjoying the quirkiness of his chosen hotel, was pretty sedate. The other couple were involved in something clandestine, even after 20 years together and didn’t stay in the hotel for dinner, much less over night. What we enjoyed was interesting but somewhat fleeting. However she and I have remained in contact unlike S and i who have not.

I am open to more girl on girl. Also to the whole 3 way experience. But, like Master i believe that this doesn’t need to be part of any kind of long term, relationship. Indeed better (given our brush with polyamory) that there is no actual relationship with me and the other woman or he and her.

I am not gay, I am not bisexual but I am curious. He likes the idea of watching me and her and I like the idea of watching Him with another woman. We are both clear though that we don’t quite know what that experience for us in our relationship will bring up. But I think we are open minded.

30 Days of Kink, Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?

You have to remember that I was a mature woman who needed to explore a new side of herself. At the same time though, the way I let this experience play out was scary, both at the time and looking back.

Before Master, I met a man called Steve online. 

Steve and I had been chatting for a few weeks (at least two anyway). We decided to meet.
There is no doubting that we were attracted to each other, both sexually and it seemed in terms of the D/s dynamic we discovered existed between us. I say ‘seemed’ because I think that for Steve, that this was a game and for me, well I didn’t know. Now, I know it isn’t any kind of game, it is a reality, but at the time I was excited and ready to play!

The 5 day course I was enrolled on gave us an opportunity. It was a challenge to think up an excuse though to need to stay away from home when it takes just half an hour by train to get here. S booked us into a hotel about half an hour in the other direction. What I didn’t know at the time was that the hotel wasn’t really within walking distance of the train station and that this place had no taxi rank.He booked the hotel so that I could easily arrive, go to the room and change. He had given me instructions about how to dress for him. Plus I had a good idea about how things might go. 

Arriving at my destination, it was raining. There were no taxis and I needed my phone to help me find my way. I was half excited and half anxious as I walked to the hotel. What was I doing? Why was I here? When I arrived though and the room was booked and paid for those thoughts evaporated. Then S arrived and my positive feelings were confirmed. He agreed I should continue to get ready and head to the bar and then he would take over the room to shower etc. 

Looking back this evening was indicative of how we would play out the whole relationship, in that we played a role, it was an act. I did my whole, middle aged woman in slutty clothes including stockings, suspenders and heels, well. He played whatever he was playing that night. 

We both wanted and needed sex. Essentially that was what we got soon after we met – one drink, no food.

The sex was kinky – pretty much anything would have been for me then. He was dominant that night in a way I needed. I kneeled, I sucked, He took possession of me in a way I hadn’t known before. We also had anal sex –  my first time.

Looking back I see this for the complete madness that this was. But at the time we serviced a need.

The following morning I was hungry but barely able to eat breakfast. I was late for the last day of my course and sat there, once I had arrived wondering what I had got myself in to.

I broke so many of the rules of safety when starting a relationship, but went with my gut. Steve and I saw a need in each other and satisfied it for quite a while. In the longer term there were lots of things wrong, but as preparation for my current relationship, I can’t complain.


30 Days of Kink – Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

After 3 days of travelling around the northern part of Spain and into the pyrenees we have now spent two days chilling out in my apartment in France. I say chilling, but though it has been relaxing to do very little, it has also been a necessity given the hot weather here and across much of Europe. The main problem is not so much heat, but humidity which is not fun when you have the added fun of being menopausal as I am. We have found that you barely need to move to break out into a massive sweat. Other than shopping and going out for dinner and drinks, we have barely left the apartment and that has meant that there has been plenty of time for some intimate moments, some amazing orgasms and this morning so very very good and quite kinky sex. This period of relaxation won’t last for much longer, but I intend to make the most of it while I can.

So to day 4 of 30 days of kink. So here’s the thing; I am not sure there was any particular signs from my early life that suggested that I would be kinky. I was amazingly unadventurous when it came to my own body until I was at least into my 30s. I had very few boyfriends, and married the first person I dated for any length of time. I guess it would be true to say I was a little repressed, and didn’t know what I didn’t know. Once that sexual side in me emerged, the kink followed and here I am. Perhaps for me, looking back is not what it should be about, instead I intend to look forwards. I am kinky, and I have a kinky Master who I love to be with and right now I am having the best time.

The view from our hotel room in the Pyrenees on Tuesday morning.