Controlled

His control over this girl is often subtle rather than overt. This girl reads the blogs and fetlife posts of other submissives and slaves and can see that often their lives involve more in the way of overt discipline and rules. The power and control Master exerts over this girl feels a little different.

Make no mistake though, He really does have total control. What is more, looking back this girl can see that just how much she has changed since she came into Master’s control. She can see how she has become the calmer person He wanted her to be, that she is no longer someone who seeks control in any part of her life in the way that she did. Work becomes a new experience when you are committed while you are there but generally you leave the office and have no desire to worry about things till the next day. Letting go to perceived responsibilities around family can be more difficult, but generally this girl can say that she is better at that part of her life these days.

This girl has however been wondering about some of the decisions she makes away from her relationship with Master and whether she is still a little too inclined to make decisions without discussion. Also whether she should be asking for permission to make some of those decisions. It is easier to know what is right and wrong when we are together, generally there are no decisions to be made then. But where Master is not involved, then what? No doubt, when Master reads this, we will have that conversation.

When we are together though, there is no doubt. He totally gets off on the power He has over this girl. But His style is pretty low key. This girl does as she knows He wants mostly without being told. Expressing her own opinion is often described as brattiness, which of course it is. Mostly though the brattiness is not serious, since there is an understanding of what the rules of engagement are. He starts conversations with words like “do you want to”, but of course they are not intended to be a question, they are a statement. The fact that this girl understands this and feels no need to challenge any part of it is an important difference from what went before.

Sometimes though instructions do not come as a question. This morning He told this girl to put in her butt plug before we had sex. Made it clear that she was to face the mirrored wardrobes when she was on top. Told her how her submission gives Him the power and control He needs.

Next week this girl if off to France with her mum who needs to have some time away from home as we approach the first anniversary of dad’s death. Time without the overt control that Master gives when we are together and a time when His control from afar will  be needed. But control all the same and this girl will know it is there.

30 days of kink days 12-15

Unlike day 11, 12-15 lend themselves to a multiple post, so here goes.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.

We love to people watch (that goes for kinky and non kinky) and there’s lots to enjoy and laugh about between yourselves when you watch people. Sometimes it’s about people who take themselves way way too seriously and  other times it will be about something someone has said or something they did. Munches can be a good place for that kind or interest. Maybe it isn’t kind, but we are older than many people and don’t tend to take ourselves quite as seriously as some others do.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Maybe this girl has always known she was different to other people when it comes to sex, and things that turn her on. It was always easier to ignore those feelings than face them though. In the end though, facing the reality of who you are is easier than turning your back on it.

This girl is turned on by the idea of submitting to another. What is more that submission provides a release from thoughts that would otherwise invade her mind.

This girl finds being restrained (in more ways than being bound by the wrists for example) something that is erotic but also calming.

Pain and pleasure are very closely linked

A person doesn’t need to be constrained by the ideas (she) has about what is ‘normal’. Indeed, by giving those decisions to another a person can find that those original thoughts have moved somewhat.

Just when you think you might have travelled as far as you can, BDSM sends you further on that journey of self discovery.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

In real life we continue to live in the real world. We still have our families, jobs and whatever shit goes with all of that. This means we can’t spend our lives naked and chained at someone’s feet. Plus our Doms aren’t millionaires who spend their lives juggling their subs with their multinational industries. Oh yes and this girl is way to heavy for Master to carry into his private jet at the dead of night so she wakes up across the atlantic. But this girl is working on her weight, and He is working on his wealth so who knows!

Day 15: Post A BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

We haven’t played at a club but that will change soon.

slave thoughts

It has been more than a week since this girl last wrote on her blog. It is funny how the urge to write comes in fits and starts; it kind of ebbs and flows. Or more likely stops and starts.

To be honest, there is an element of writers block going on here right now, so this slave is going to try to just go with the flow and to see what emerges.
The feel of the collar is ever present around this slave’s neck. Not just the feeling of the cool titanium, of the heaviness of it as she wakes in the morning, or sits at her desk in the day, but also the reality when she catches sight of herself in the mirror. The commitment though is more than a piece of jewellery (or two, since there is also the cuff). It is also about agreeing to be the slave that He expects, wants and needs. What is more, it is an admission on this slaves side that she is the person He needs. She really has given Him control of herself – her body, her mind, her limits. All of this takes time to come to terms with, it takes time to adjust to how she needs to be.
Slavehood is definitely something that has been a gradual process and it still evolves. This girl speaks to Him of her need to feel His control, just as she knows He needs to be in control. But at the same time, she realises she must comply with the agreements that were made a year ago, before more rules are set in place. In the main, these are foremost in her mind as she goes through each day, but of course, this slave is a human being and so forgets her place and role at times. That is where the metal helps – the collar, the cuff and also the plug. Last weekend Master and slave agreed that a next step would be some daytime plug wear perhaps on the journey to or from work. This girl is ready for that.
Next will be Master’s preferences over this girl’s hair style. He prefers His slave to have her head shaved, but this slave is not ready yet for that step. Master is not pushing hard, but gently towards His goal. Last time she had her hair short, with the sides up to the ears and next time will be the next stage. This girl is not sure what she fears about going to where Master wants her to be. However she does know that eventually she will comply, she will embrace His wishes without Him forcing the issue.
This slave has no idea why she needs to be the slave she is for her Master, or why she needs to move further towards the girl she knows He wants her to be. She just knows that she does.

Thinking

This post is going to ramble, but sometimes a person probably needs to do that. It is also going to feature ‘i’ since it is easier to form thoughts that way, even though i really am trying to do the whole third person thing much much more.

Since the collaring i am feeling more slave like, more like i need to please and serve Him. When you wear a ring of metal around your neck (as well as one around your wrist) there is no likelihood you are going to forget what you have agreed to be and to do. I didn’t take agreeing to be Master’s slave lightly, it feels right but it is a responsibility. Usually in the right way, but I know also that I am making mistakes and feel I need more help and guidance. I have re-read our contract and in most areas I am pretty much compliant.

Am I the slave He wants? Am I pleasing enough? Am I mindful about my actions at work? Would He be proud of the way I conduct myself at meetings? All of these things matter much more than they did. Plus what about the areas I have been seriously remiss? It is easy to wear a butt plug more frequently, but to remember to ask if I am to remove my clothes whenever I arrive at His house? To always speak in the third person; those things take some concentration on my part. Plus how much does He require me to comply?

It is proving easier to get into my slave space when we are together, but to be honest I need to know how to behave when we are apart much more than I did. I need more help and guidance than I did. Perhaps this feeling is temporary but it is definitely real.

Being Master’s slave is a responsibility and I don’t want to let Him down.