A is for…………

Anal and for Acceptance

I am joining the A-Z blog challenge (I am a little late, but better late than never) and have decided that each post will focus on two themes, one kinky and one not. Having said that, the non kinky one may well be about me and the lifestyle i live and therefore could link back to kink in some way. This is the case today. 
I tried hard to think of a topic, beginning with A which was kink related, but which wasn’t the word anal. I thought of arse or ass, but that kind of led me back to the start. So anal it is.
I hadn’t really given much thought to anal sex before I started on this journey, to be honest I didn’t realise that it was in any way common for men and women to do such a thing, I honestly thought it was something men did together only. Having said that, I wasn’t actually disturbed by the idea once I found out more. During the early days of my expiration into kink I read lots of books and articles and learned a little there. Then I got to know S and through the conversations it became clear this was something he enjoyed. I was willing to give it a go and when we met I did just that. I was however surprised that it was quite as pleasurable as it was. 
Fast forward to this relationship and anal sex doesn’t happen for us all of the time, but when it does it is extremely memorable and special. I think perhaps the fact that it takes time, preparation on both sides, and that a great deal of trust is required on both sides to make it pleasurable for us both makes it so. Plus there is the feeling that the power he has over me is all the greater during those moments and also that it feels a bit naughty and degrading. Those kind of feelings turn me on even more. Afterwards, I often feel a little sore, and actually enjoy that feeling because it reminds me of the feelings I have enjoyed and that I have been used for his pleasure. I know anal sex isn’t for everyone, but for me it has helped open up a world that I never expected but has shown me the person know I am. 
That leads me onto Acceptance. 
If someone had told me say 5 years ago that I would ever identify myself as slave I would have laughed in their face. The fact that my life had always been about service to others never occured to me. At that time, I often felt taken for granted, used and unappreciated. Discovering over the last 4 years what submission is about and what my life could be about has been amazing. The key however is finding the right relationship. The fact that it turned out I needed one that gave me the ability to fulfil my sexual desires, enabled be to develop my submission and to find a way of serving that didn’t feel it was wrong has been something of a revelation.

Accepting that I am a slave, that I enjoy kinky sex, bondage and pain to name a few, has freed me from the place I was at that time and introduced me to new people and amazing experiences. It took time to get to this place and Master has been the person to help me arrive here.

Mind and body

This post is inspired by this one by Geno Day. Turmoil of the mind and its effects on the body, and vice versa.

Generally these days I am a reasonably calm person. I say these days, because perhaps that wasn’t always so. For a period of time my life itself was in a state of flux as I worked through the decisions I had made to stray from my marriage and then to end it. Meeting Master occured during that time and I struggled to balance the various elements of my life as it was then with discovering my apparent deep seated need for submission. Times spent with him, meant learning to let go of my daily life, and embracing the new experiences he offered me. I learned to go for whole days and longer without considering my job or the other people in my life who had a call on me – the nearly ex husband, my son, my parents. Instead I learned to concentrate on me and on him, my Sir as he was at the time. We played quite a bit in those early days and through that play, I found out so much about my body discovering that by letting go of the turmoil present within my mind, something else took its place. A freedom in my head, the ability to allow my submission to build and to take its place. Perhaps though the turmoil moved to a new place; somewhere around my groin area. 

Orgasms were for a long time a way of gaining release from the frustrations of my life and the marriage where I seemed unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The freedom that came with those orgasms were however short lived, momentary even. Meeting Master, however meant that things felt different. Sex was different, I enjoyed it, embraced it, loved it even. Orgasms were no longer mine to own, and in the main, he decided when they occured. Having that control removed, freed me even more, allowing my body to respond to him and my mind to focus on him. He trained my to respond to his command, counting me down from 5 or 10 or heaven forbid, 20. I found that by focusing on him and not on what the end result was to be meant that I was able to orgasm on his command. My body responded in a way that I would never have imagined.

Fast forward to now, just over two years into the relationship. Now his slave and his property, I am the writhing slut he wants and needs. My body often enters a state of physical turmoil towards the end of the count, as I fight to control it until it is time. My body writhes and reacts almost of its own accord as the physical conscious reacts with the unconscious. Fluid gushes from my pussy, demonstrating the physical arousal. My clitoris hardens and sounds emerge from my mouth as all of the emotions come together in climax. He loves  me to look at him as I cum. He loves to see my eyes shining and I love to see the power that he recognises in himself at that moment. As the turmoil passes, so I thank him for the gift of that orgasm. He owns them, but gives them freely to me and then he tells me I am a good girl. 

Calmness returns. 

Kink of the week – Kidnapping / Captive

For me there is something extremely sexy and erotic about the fantasy of being kidnapped and held captive. Especially if that captivity involved being kept naked or scantily clad for a period of time. Or even forever as Master’s sex slave.

There was a time when I might have just wanted a strong, dominant man to take me away from the life I was so unhappy living. Now, though my fantasy doesn’t involve just any dominant, but one in particular. I guess though, in desiring Master to kidnap me, it could only happen once. Linking those thoughts to the reality of my current life. Living in my former marital home, where I can spend only part of the week as Master’s slave, my thoughts of captivity bring with them a kind of freedom.

How wonderful it would be to be taken by Master and told that I am now to stay with him. To be told that I have no need of possessions. That I am his slave to do with as he sees fit, to be used for his pleasure when and how he wants. To be in a place where I can’t escape, and where I am expected to do as I am told, a place where I provide service to him and him alone.

Of course, in this fantasy, I am obedient and always do as I am told. I am not the wilful girl that I often am in reality. I wouldn’t complain about being naked, about being chained if that was what he wanted. I would take pain willingly without resistance, but instead embrace it and love it. What is more, kneeling would be something I could do for long periods of each day, without ever complaining of pain in my knees.

For me, this fantasy is about release. By being taken and held captive, I am able to leave behind the remnants of my former life. I am able to stop worrying about everything else in life other than Master. At last I am able to fulfil my desire to be his slave and property at all times. I am able to devote myself to him, to worship him and to kneel before him naked. Also though I am able to take care of him and to allow him to take care of me.

Perhaps then, this fantasy isn’t about being physically taken and held, but about letting go of the past and about embracing my role as his slave. It is about completing the journey we started two years ago, and acknowledging that it would be so much easier if he just took me, rather than me having to go through the reality of selling the house, divorcing my ex and all of the stresses that involves.

 kink of the week

Discussing sex

This is the first time that I have written a post for food for thought Friday 

The question is: are you comfortable discussing sex with your partner? Do you have the confidence to ask for what you like/want?

So, here is the thing. Having spent a large part of my adult life unhappy or unwilling to discuss my sexual needs with a partner, I now find myself in a relationship that not only am I able to do just that, but also it is expected. 

Every sexual encounter involves my being expected to describe what is happening and what I need to happen. I also speak about my personal needs as His slave, sexually and as a human being. For me, nothing is secret any more. I am expected to speak about everything about my life – family, friends, work, ex, just everything. Against expectations, this is actually liberating. 

This isn’t a one way street though, actually this relationship is such that I want to express my sexual needs to the man who owns me, my Master.

So, how did I get to this place? How did I become this person, rather than someone who felt unable to speak about her sexual needs? 

The key is being in the right relationship with the right person. for too long, that wasn’t the case, I was with a man with whom I wasn’t compatible. But more than that it is about being prepared to listen, to try to help that other person discover their sexuality, their needs as an adult human being.  It is about time and space. Time to talk about everything and anything. Time to explore each other’s bodies. To touch and feel, to kiss and to find out that actually pain is also important.

But, giving some thought to the person | was when I met ex-hubby and indeed to him, it is also about taking on board the experiences of life, accepting what wasn’t right, rejoicing what worked previously and making the best of what life has to off right now.

We are people in our 50’s and if we can’t discuss sex now, perhaps we never will. Happily we can and we do. 

The girl He wants

It seems that this girl is in something of a flow, a series even. Having written about herself as a slave and as a person, perhaps it is time to think about this girl’s perception of the slave that Master wants.

It is His power within this relationship and all that she has given to Him that essentially gets Him off. He is aroused by the knowledge that He owns a slave who is willing to give up control of just about everything for Him. It started with orgasm control and quickly moved onto the slave as an object, He a Man who owned her body, mind and indeed her name. Next was certain modifications of her body; the piercings and finally her limits. 
Somewhere in between Master and His girl have worked out His wants and needs around other aspects of life. He wants her to need Him, but not so much that she can’t function in her normal daily life. This girl has a job in senior management and needs to be able to function at a high level and to exercise control over that part of her life. She earns a reasonable salary and is self sufficient in that area of her life, though appreciates advice and guidance on money management and likes to discuss work related issues. He always asks about her day and it keen to discuss ways in which things have gone well or not.

This girl expects and indeed likes to pay her way and they both agree that is important for them both. Family life is her own domain as is management of her ex, but often she seeks advice and while he gives it freely, He doesn’t insist she follow it since that is her domain. In general, life is reasonably stable, He expects her to be able to function from day to day with the minimum of guidance. If there is a problem, then she might need additional help, but in general during week days contact is just in the evenings. Weekends are spent together. So this girl can say she is in the main a low maintenance slave.

So to the future. firstly body modification: He would like more piercings, a tattoo or two and much shorter hair. This girl is excited by the idea that she might have some more piercings – both favour the labia to be next. Weird as it might be to some, the idea of getting 2 or even 4 piercings is very exciting to this girl. She would like rings that can be laced, or linked to the clit piercing. Even indeed to her nipples. This girl has struggled with being able to manage rings in her nipples, only due to the little balls that the rings tend to have and the problem of getting them in place. What she needs is a friend who can help her manage them (they are seriously fiddly to a person whose close vision is completely shot to pieces). But the idea of rings linking the labia, clit and nipples is truly exciting to both Master and this girl. The tattoo idea is no problem to this girl, but the hair is a different concept entirely.

Interestingly, this girl is incredibly turned on by the idea of having her hair shaved. Master identifies His ideal slave as someone who has a shaved head and this girl can see and buy into that. The reality of managing the hair stylist and her friends, family and work colleagues are something else entirely. Over the past year though, this girl has gone from having hair which reaches almost to her shoulder to a style which is pretty short. Many people have commented and in a good way. It is just the next step that feels a challenge, though not one too far.

Lastly there is the service that this girl can give to Master each and every day and His wish and need for that. Over the Christmas holidays, Master and His slave spent 3 weeks together, 24 hours a day. We both know that this is our ideal life. One where this girl is able to serve Him in all ways. Sexually of course, as she does now. But also one who is able to look after Him, cook and clean and generally be there as He needs. There are other needs – humiliation, degradation, exhibitionism. All of those needs could finally be met as He wanted.

This collared slave loves the fact she is owned and possessed, but for both, Master and slave, more is needed and soon.

The slave I am now

I have been looking back some posts from 2 years ago, early in our relationship and have been thinking about the person I was then in comparison to now.

Life at that time felt busy – a new relationship was developing, but it was one that bears little similarity to the one we now have. It was clear from the start that he was my Dom, and that I was his submissive girl though at that time it manifested itself in the bedroom or playroom rather than all of the time. Gradually though the need of both of us was for something more, something that was a constant, that didn’t disappear because we were apart.

Of course part of this is about the relationship itself developing through time, about us knowing each other, about us having shared experiences and developing a history. But I am pretty sure that there is more to this than familiarity. The M/s dynamic that when we look back, was always evident has enabled me to become the slave I am and that Master wanted all along (even if he didn’t know it either). Kayla Lords post yesterday about using their D/s relationship to manage stressful times resonated with me. Master and I certainly pick up on cues that tell us that one of us is feeling stressed or anxious and use our dynamic to make sure we talk things through, that we use kink to help us through and that we reaffirm our positions as Master and slave. I am mindful of who I am at all times, and know that he is the boss, it is he who makes the decisions. I also know that I have an overwhelming desire to please and serve him which helps me to focus during those difficult times.

The key difference that people notice about me now is that I appear to be a happier, more fulfilled person. They assume, quite rightly that Master is to a great extent responsible for this change. He is, but probably not in the way that they imagine. Yes, the fact I have someone to tell everything to helps as does his encouragement for me to put my and our lives before those of everyone else quite as much as was the case. But the real fulfilment comes from the safety of knowing that I am his slave, his possession. The collar that he placed around my neck last July is part of that, a tangible symbol of my slavery. It does however go much deeper than that, right to the core of who I am as a person.

This morning I have agreed that I must remind myself of my slavery in a much more overt way, and stop using the word I when he and I are together or speaking to each other. This is a rule that has been in place for a long time, but one which I tend to forget about and often only use when we are in bed or playing. Master suggested to me that I often forget who and what I am when life gets busy and he is right. Saying the words “this girl” at the beginning of a sentence really does help to remind me and also to make me think about what I am about to say or do. It will also help me to make sure I am asking rather than telling.

I often write in the third person on here, and that has become second nature (even though I haven’t done it on this post), and that is what needs to happen when I am speaking to Master. After 2 years together this slave is still evolving into the person he wants her to be.


The title of this post is intended to describe the way that two elements of this girl’s life have been brought back into line. The first is her blog and the second is the Master slave relationship that she enjoys.

This blog

Since the holiday in Spain over Christmas, I have slightly lost the momentum and focus for this place. Creative juices have not really been flowing,  and posts have become superficial and short. Partly because there hasn’t felt like much going on that has been worthy of a deeper discussion and also because the blogging mojo which we all need to write has been absent. So, despite the fact that I have posted here regularly over the past few months, much of the content has been through participation in projects and memes. I have really enjoyed February photofest, though I have been less creative this year than last and have struggled with motivation. Luckily I had a few pictures that I hadn’t shared before plus a Master who took a few more. However I couldn’t quite find the energy and  will power to quite see it to the end and last Sunday’s photo was my last. During the intervening days I have been thinking about my blog, its purpose and how I plan to use it in the future.

It feels like time to draw a line and to refocus on what this place is about – it is somewhere I can share my inner most thoughts and where I can discuss aspects of my life and the journey Master and his slave travel. That isn’t to say that I won’t participate in more projects and memes, it just means I have realised it is time to reclaim my blog for the purpose I intended it. Even when there is little going on in our lives there is always something happening in my head that requires reflection and analysis. I also know that Master likes me to write some of that here, since it will often be about things we don’t easily and readily discuss in real life. So, I make no apologies for abandoning my participation in February Photofest and am proud of the photos I did post. Now on with the blog.

Reclaiming His slave

Despite being a middle aged woman, she is always His slave. She wears His collar 24 hours a day and can always feel it around her neck and she always remembers its purpose, as a symbol of the relationship, His ownership of her and the power He has and exerts over her. Other than this symbol, there is often nothing for anyone to see that sets this relationship out as different from any other. But the people in this relationship know that there are fundamental differences, and that these need to be worked on to be maintained. Regular life means work, it means spending time with family and friends and it means doing things together. It means eating and sleeping and it means having sex. The sex always has overtones of M/s but often they are subtle.

Sometimes like with this blog, there is a need to review a relationship and to reassert its meaning to those within it. For us that reclamation happened last night and this morning. That is not to say that there has been anything wrong, but just that looking back now, it was something that needed to happen.

Sex which happens late at night, and which is heavily laden with lust is a little different from sex in the morning when rested, sober and is almost planned. Much of the time our sex falls into the latter type, this time we had both. However, it wasn’t just about the sex, but about the acknowledgement of positions as Master and slave. A declaration of what being Master’s slave means to both, and actions which demonstrate that. Last night this slave was used for Master’s pleasure, she clearly stated her understanding of the fact she is there to be taken and used and that she is His pleasure bitch. This slave also reaffirmed that she has no limits, save those that Master decides upon. The sex was hot, but there was more to the session than hot sex. Drink had been involved too, so this morning, in the sober light of day, events and their meanings were restated and then there was more hot sex.

One of the most important aspects of this Master / slave dynamic is the use of this girl’s orgasms as a way of controlling events. He can make her cum on demand and He can also prevent her from coming until He is ready. Another is the use of names – that she is the slut or cunt and that He is the Master and the Lord.

The key thing about the past 24 hours is that this girl can say that Master has reclaimed His girl and that they have both reaffirmed their clear commitment to the dynamic that they have and enjoy.

The other good thing is that there is lots more to write about in the reclaimed blog!

My submission

Dominance and submission has been a key part of our relationship from the start, and it remains so. The relationship, which started with the intention that is mainly be around play has become something far deeper. This is a long term relationship that may well turn out to be something that defines us in our middle age. But it remains one where He is the dominant and I am the submissive. That is the undercurrent to each day of our lives, it is just the way things are. We go about our business, together or apart, but during that time we both know who we are and are mindful of our roles and what that means to the other. To Him, I am girl. I am there to be loved and cherished, but I am also there to serve him at all times. For me, He is Master and at all times not only do I want to serve, but I want Him to be proud. This is our life.

I can’t imagine that either of us wouldn’t want the D/s (or indeed M/s) that is so important to us. However, we are not one dimensional and there is far more to our life and the things we enjoy together. I don’t see our relationship failing because of that and anyway I love Him for who He is in so many ways.

The percentage of time when our interactions are rooted in D/s probably depends on where we are and whether we are together. But, since I wear His collar and cuff, and since I try as part of my contract to think about my place as His slave I would say that for most of each day I know where our relationship stems from. As a woman in her fifties, as a woman who has discovered her sexuality later in life than many, I have to say that I embrace my place as His slave. For me, there are constant reminders which mean that at least 90% of my time is in truth embedded in my relationship with Him. Embedded in the fact that I am this girl; His slave.

The photo below was taken last summer. As usual I wore no underwear and when He demanded to see His property I did so. Mind you, at the same time it appears, I was filing my nails!

Love and relationships – 2 years on

Today’s 365 question is: Who is the last person to tell you they loved you?

This is a happy coincidence since it coincides with an anniversary. It is two years ago tomorrow since Master and I met in person for the first time. We had only been chatting for a week or so before hand and neither of us expected that two years on we would still be going strong. Neither of us were looking for love, or a long term relationship.

We seem to have found both.

Master was the last person to tell me he loved me and while it is not something he says every day, I know that he means it.

The past two years have given us some amazing experiences, they have taught us both what we want and need from a relationship and have probably taught us more about each other and ourselves than we ever imagined.

The early days were about exploration, of each others bodies and minds but also about the psychology of Dominance and submission. We had some fun times during that first year, but they were balanced by the other relationships in our lives at the time. We knew quite early on, even if it wasn’t clearly articulated, that what we had was special, but there were other considerations. His relationship with another, the remnants of my marriage, the needs of my parents.

This second year has been completely different. While responsibility to family has remained, the other relationships slipped into the past. We have travelled and we have had lots of fun. There have been new experiences and others where one or other of us has re-discovered and shown each other things from the past.

This has not been a year of overt kink, the kind that people write and talk about. But it has been one of great discovery. It has been a time when we have truly discovered what our Master / slave relationship means to us. We have discovered the importance of the way in which power in this relationship is exchanged. We have discovered just how important my submission is to him and his dominance to me. The collar is fundamental to our lives, as are the piercings. But also we have found that love can be something deep and meaningful and something that we didn’t expect.

We are grateful for this last two years and are now planning for more. Now we are talking about living together and who knows, in year 3 that might happen.

Reflections on the past – My submission today

Master has frequently looked back on my blog and reminded me of things that I have written. He is quite a reflective person, and while I am too, he often sees things that I maybe don’t. 
This week we have been discussing my submission. This is the first time since May 2014 that we have been apart for this length of time. While it has been difficult to manage the lack of physical contact we have texted and have spoken every evening on Skype. What it has done though is give us the space to think about our relationship on a deeper, Master / slave level. 
For many months we have in the main lived relatively vanilla lives, going about our business, enjoying our social life and holidays. Sex is always pretty kinky and there is always an undercurrent of M/s. The S/m side has taken something of a back seat in the main, mainly because of his shoulder problem which I am glad to say is now resolved. We are both keen to reenergise that part of our relationship along with redefining the Master / slave dynamic. 
The other evening when we were chatting, he pointed out that I was touching my collar a lot.  Thinking about it, that is something I do a lot. I love to feel the metal around my neck as well as the cuff on my wrist. I have rarely removed either since he gave them to me. 
he reminded me last night of something I said when we first met. I struggled to find it, and of course He went to it and pointed it out. It comes from 4th February 2014 as I analysed our first play date. Below is the full post:

I don’t know how things will pan out with this new Dom or if we will play more than a few times. i don’t know if the special person will be him or another. What i do know is that i seem to have restarted the journey that stalled months ago. 
Over the last few months with S, we had some fantastic times. The kinky sex we had (much of it described here) was fantastic. The submission was in the moment and was really good. But i wasn’t truly submitting to anyone. At the time that was fine, right for where i was and where he was.
Now though i feel differently. i kind of feel liberated by the fact he has another and i have made the decision that whatever happens there is no going back to that or to him.
i am thinking about submission a lot. i am considering even what it might be like to give up more control, even perhaps to enter a Master / slave relationship. That’s not to say i ever would, but i am giving it some thought and in a considered and serious way.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.

The part he keeps returning to is as the end of my post, where I talk about the fact that my submission  is such that I  feel that I can touch it. Somehow, needing the physical reassurance of my submission by touching my collar and the way in which we remind each other of our place in this relationship are both ways in which I feel my submission. For him it is about feeling the power of his dominance and seeing my  submission. It offers us confirmation that however we live our lives and whatever gets int he way of being able to play and have kinky fun, we are and always were Master and slave. That I was his submissive from the start.

So, while this isn’t really a difficult problem in the big scheme of things the world faces it is something that we feel is important. As such, I offer this post as Day 20 of 365 days – What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?

That shows just how good life is right now I think!