This girl returns

A reconnection has occured between Master and this girl. It isn’t exactly that we were disconnected in any particular way. But there hasn’t been much time to just be us and to discuss our relationship. We came together as Master and slave almost 4 years ago (Dominant and submissive before that for 3 months). Our lives are busy and we still don’t live together and yesterday we discussed the effect that has on us. We also spoke the words that needed saying. That we no longer wish to be apart.

There are things to be done to enable Master and this girl to live together all of the time. He has some work to do on the house so that there is room for my things. She has to sell her half of her house to the partner of her ex, or else sell the house to someone else. Last year was meant to be the year when we moved in together, but time slipped away and it hasn’t happened yet.

This girl had spent Friday night at her mum’s. Her new home is 2 hours away and so visiting every couple of weeks and staying over night is the best option. Arriving home at 1ish, this girl prepared some lunch and we drank wine with it. Then since we both felt a little weary we cuddled on the bed and slept a while. Before and after the sleep, he stroked and caressed his property. Master expressed his frustrations about the time we spend apart and this girl agreed.

Later after dinner, more wine and a visit to the pub and more wine we retired back to bed. For some reason (perhaps it was the excess of alcohol) this girl felt both horny and submissive. She felt both of these in a way she hasn’t in quite some time. This led to orgasms, too many to count and since they haven’t been drawn on her body there is no real way of knowing. However there were many. Orgasms through penetration, through his fingers and also his power alone. Strong orgasms that brought on a wonderful nights sleep, nestled in the body of her Master.

This morning brought more sex and also discussion and agreement. Final details need discussion but. This girl is definitely back in the relationship. She was never completely gone, but she was hidden. The dynamic needs refreshing every now and then, it requires effort, so it is in plain sight. He wants a house slave and that means she must live with him. Perhaps living in one house for a few days together then swopping over will work for a few months. More time spent naked, more time worshipping her Master, more time calling Him Master and referring to herself as this girl. Hence this post.

Time also for the tattoo. A butterfly at the base of her spine. That is the next step. He wants to buy a new collar and an ankle cuff. A change from the existing collar and reaffirmation of the relationship. Of his ownership and her slave hood. More to come on this matter.

Anticipating the year to come

Just over a week into the new year, and our holiday to Belgium behind us I am now thinking about the year ahead. While I am not necessarily a person who wholly believes in things like numerology, horoscopes or other things psychic,  I do kind of want to believe the idea that 2016 was the year of endings and 2017 about a new start.

It is coming up to 5 years since I began my original journey, over 4 since my ex discovered that I was not the happy bunny he thought I was and almost 3 since I met Master. I think the length of time that has elapsed is enough to know that the procrastination needs to stop and I really do need to get on with life.
Increasingly I feel sad when Master and I have been together for a prolonged period and then have to separate and go to our own homes. This week is no exception. I want to be with him, and need to get on with making that happen. During the second half of last year we completed quite a lot of work in my house and garden, all in preparation of my selling the house. There is now very little to do before the house can go on the market. I anticipate that the process will not be without its stresses, and don’t under estimate the sadness I will feel when I leave. My house is less cluttered that Master’s place. He is working on making it less so, but there is a way to go. Then there is the fact that the house will be his and not mine, though of course there is no reason that it won’t become home to me, but it will take time.
BUT.
Living together will mean that we can get on with living our life together in the way we wish. That our Master / slave dynamic can become a greater element of our lifestyle. It will mean that I can express my submission more overtly and he can do the same with his Dominance. Master has bought me many erotic items of clothing that I get little opportunity to wear because of our current living arrangements.
We will be able to have more sex. As we get older, we need more time for sex, our libido in general has dropped. While the idea is often great our bodies sometimes take longer to respond. Don’t get me wrong we pretty frequent, kinky and very enjoyable sex, but we are definitely restricted by not being together every night.
There is an economic perspective to this too. Living costs for 2 people are much less than double that of 1. That means we can visit more places, do more things and generally enjoy life.
Finally we will be happier together than we are apart and happiness, contentment and a feeling of well being is much healthier. If I think back 5 years I don’t think I even knew how unhappy I was, much less how content I could be.
Just before Christmas, Master and I went to a drinks party at the house of one of his neighbours. He made a comment that when he sees Master on his way into town he often has a smile on his face and appears happy. That, he said, wasn’t always the case.
I anticipate a great year ahead. I think we both do.

Struggling

Kink of the week is about struggling against restraints which had me thinking about this photo taken while we were in Amsterdam a couple of years ago. Master left me hogtied on the bed while he went to have a shower.

Generally when I am restrained during sex or play, rather than struggle I find it relaxes and makes me feel in some way free. I am restrained and so there is no need to fight or to move. The exception is when he is coming towards me with the violet wand in his hand and I can see it (i.e. I am not blind folded) particularly if he is using a light bulb on the end of it. This was a trick he picked up at a workshop at BBB on the one occasion we travelled up to Birmingham for the event. I find the concept of being buzzed by the static from a light bulb immensely scary, though it is erotic when it touches your skin.

But being restrained while you are being tortured is one thing, just being left is something else entirely. On that day I really did struggle against the bonds, much to his amusement. The position was uncomfortable, my head got stuck in the pillow and I wasn’t sure what was coming next. Then I heard the shower and knew I was in for at least a few minutes of being in that position, what was more since he was in the shower, complaining was useless. Mind you of course I did complain, while I struggled and that just made me more uncomfortable.

Master’s response when he emerged from the shower was that when I lay on the bed and allowed him to tie me up, I should have faced the TV and then I could have used that as my distraction! You have to love his humour at times!

A reconnection

The trip to Sicily was amazing, but it was busy. We walked and walked, often up hills or steps, and we saw so many amazing things. We drank wonderful beer and wine and ate some amazing meals. But most nights we fell exhausted into bed (often it was a different bed from the night before) and in the morning got up early enough to grab breakfast before moving onto the next wonderful place.

We had a lovely weekend in Agrigento, in an apartment. For 3 days we were able to come and go, eat and drink what and when we wanted (mainly simple breakfasts of fruit and yoghurt plus good coffee with hot milk!) and know that no one was going to want to come in and clean the room (or whatever). We had our busiest day while there, when we went to visit the Greek temples. It was hot and very sticky, and the day was a long one, we walked miles, including in the evening since the nearest restaurants were half an hour away (on foot, as we wanted to be able to have wine etc with dinner). The next day though, which was Sunday we went to the supermarket and bought food and wine for dinner so that after an afternoon of sightseeing we were able to grab some down time.
At the end of the following week we found ourselves at a wonderful, very classy hotel in Palermo. Here we experienced a little bit of luxury; lovely breakfasts over looking the sea, drinks and nibbles on the patio and a couple of hours by (and in) the pool. But the hotel was quite a way out of town so we needed to use the hotel shuttle or a taxi (as previously mentioned we only walked it once!) to go anywhere and once out in the morning preferred to stay out until after dinner.
We returned from holiday invigorated, and probably fitter. I put on 3lb, (probably due to beer, crisps, nuts and olives which we tended to eat at lunchtime since they came with the beer), but have already lost 2. The holiday was active, but not tiring even though we were busy. What we didn’t have much time for though was sex or any real opportunity to play. I mostly wore underwear, to prevent chafing and other effects of 30c (and higher) heat.

Then last weekend we were also busy with a concert on Saturday and then a friend visiting from Holland Sunday and Monday. We had a lovely time showing her more of London and on Sunday we had a lovely meal in a family run Italian restaurant, thank goodness such places still exist in London. The train home on both nights was around 11pm.

During the week we expressed our frustration about how the M/s side of things seemed to have been lacking for us both. For me it felt that I was failing as His slave in some way, and he expressed to me that perhaps he wasn’t doing his job as Master well. However the reality is that we are experiencing real life. You can’t have it, well not all of the time.
This weekend has been different. We have had plenty of time to spend having sex and in rediscovering my submission and His dominance. I have been on my knees for the first time in ages worshipping Master’s wonderful cock. There has been plenty of sex, many orgasms and a lot of time just reconnecting with each other. We have also had time to sit and do very little, I have left him to some clearing out while I went to the sales in town. He has cooked for us, and then we have walked to the pub. We have spent time talking about our holiday, remembering places, people and the wonderful things we did and saw.
We have taken tim to rebalance and reconnect and our relationship is all the better for the opportunity to do just that.

Bad slave?

There is no doubt that I have come a long way in the past two years.

I know that I am a happier person, someone who no longer needs to control every aspect of their life. Indeed, I would go further than that and say that I prefer to control very little of my life, but do what I must. 
I have learned to let go of so much, to allow someone else to decide where I go, what I do and how I do it. 
Sometimes though I rebel and revert to some of my old ways.
The other day when out for dinner I complained when Master made a decision about dinner on my behalf (for my own good of course). On holiday I started to doubt his ability to guide us to our hotel on foot (it took an hour to get there).  I know I answer back and I often break the rules we agreed 2 years ago.
But does that make me a bad slave? Does that mean I am not a slave at all?
I don’t believe it does.
I am a person who needs control, but also needs the opportunity to push against that control. 
I am a person who needs to know that someone is in control. I am still learning that it isn’t desirable or necessary that I have to be that person. That giving up control makes me feel liberated and the person I want and need to be.  
Master doesn’t want to micro manage me and I don’t want or need that micro management. I think that he needs to look back at where we were and where we are now.
He needs to see how far we have come and reassess.
I am not a bad slave. He is not a bad Master.
We are two human beings learning to navigate our way through life, a life where we and the world around us changes. Where sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong.
But what I do know is that we are two people who happen to be Master and slave. Two people who love each other.
Bad slave? No
Collared slave who is sometimes bad? Yes!

Orgasm control

Probably the first ‘rule’ applied to me as a new submissive was orgasm control. I was told that my orgasms no longer belonged to me, that they were his property and that I should ask permission to orgasm and that once I had cum, I must thank him and tell him that it was his.

I had read quite a bit about being a submissive by that time, and orgasm control seemed to be common place. What is more, S had required me to ask permission to cum when we were together, so this was nothing new.

Orgasm control with Master is a little different though. This isn’t about me feeling that I am about to cum and then seeking permission, this is about him demanding that I cum when, where and how he wants. Over time, and with training or conditioning, much like one of pavlov’s dogs, I really can cum at the moment he desires. He may be stroking my clit, he may be pinching a nipple, he may be deep inside one of my holes, or there may be no physical contact at all. But, when he says cum, I do.

I have long since stopped wondering how this can be happening to me, I suspect it is a form of conditioning as mentioned above. I love the control he has over me, that he can make me cum at will. It adds to the feeling of control that I know that he has over me and it makes me horny just to think about.

Occasionally he denies me an orgasm at the time I request it, but he is not very good at doing so for long. He truly loves me to cum and see and feel the juices that flow, to hear my breathing change, to hear me gasp, to see the look in my eyes. I love him for this; who wouldn’t? I know other submissive women are denied orgasms for prolonged periods, so I count myself extremely lucky.

For me, the advantages of having my orgasms controlled far out weigh any disadvantages. I recognise it as part of what I have ‘signed up for’ in agreeing to become his slave. It is part of the control, part of his ownership of me, my body and mind. Part of the power he has over me and which be both know we need.

I guess the only small disadvantage is that it means that when I am alone and I decide I need to cum it is less pleasurable than when we are together. I still thank him for the orgasm, and tell him it is his, but if he is not there to hear me say the words then what is the point. So, even though I am allowed, I tend not to orgasm very often when I am on my own. The feelings produced by my fingers or a vibrator are good, but they last just a few moments. I much prefer that he be there and that the control is overt and real.

Playing in a public place

There are a number of things we have done in a public place. I have often worn no underwear beneath my clothes when out, either shopping, visiting public places or perhaps eating in a restaurant. Most of the time I am oblivious to what people either notice or think. Personally I am of the opinion that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, or perhaps their phones to know or care what others do around them. Indeed I frequently climb over people on the train who don’t even know I was sitting next to them, so much are they absorbed by their phone or tablet computer! Master and I often observe others in the course of their daily lives and wonder if they even notice us. And not just because we are people in our 50’s and so invisible to younger people. 

Anyway, I digress. The one thing that I haven’t done is to play and be played with in public. I have had sex in a public place, but unseen by public eyes. I have been touched up (frequently) in public, and as far as I know been unseen by anyone. I say as far as I know since no one has ever indicated otherwise or called the police. 
We have spoken a lot about visiting a club and playing in public. This appeals to me on a number of levels. While Master has quite a lot of equipment, his playroom at home is restricted in size and range of larger equipment. But mainly when we play at home there is just us. We can’t watch others and they can’t see us. More than anything that is for me the next level of kink that I aspire to climb. 
I own kinky clothes that would have more impact in a public place. I know people that I would love to see in a different arena from the local munch. I am an extrovert and I like an audience. But what I don’t know until I try is if I would like to play in a public place.
Would I be as keen for others to see me in pain, to whimper and protest. Would I want to admit that I am aroused by those feelings. Would I want to be seen by an audience in a situation that today I have only experienced in private?
Yes, actually I think I do. 

Aspirations

There is so much about my life that I love, that I am happy with.

I love the freedom I have to do as I please, which happens to match up well to the things that Master wants. This is because we seem to be able to combine travel, culture and sitting around doing very little in equal measure. I also love the fact that we are able to communicate in a way that wasn’t always the case for me with my ex.
But who is the person I aspire to be, what do I want to be able to do and how do I most want to live my life?
Much as I love my job, it would be true to say that I find it a challenge to keep up the pretence of arriving each day and continuing to be as excited about it as I always was. I would like to be able to take breaks from work from time to time, to be able to go off and spend time travelling with Master. Doing the things we love to do. 
The only way to achieve this goal is to get on and sell this house. So, because I really want this, I have begun my programme of getting ready for the sale. Master is definitely in the mood to keep me focused on getting these little projects done each week, as I am focused on getting him to de-clutter his bachelor pad for the arrival of me, his slave. 
You see, we are both clear that we aspire to live together. We know that we have work to do to get to a place where we have the space for us both. He has promised me a room to put the things that are personal but which I don’t wish to put into storage. We have promised each other the space also to learn to live together and to be the people we want to be.
I want to be free to do as I choose. I need to free myself from the final confines of marriage to divorce and to separate our assets. My ex and I struggle to communicate and I recognise that in this relationship I need to dominate. Failure to do so means that nothing is ever achieved. So my particular aspiration right now is to get on and make that permanent separation happen. 
I aspire to be the slave Master wants and probably needs. Once my house is sold I will have less need to work because I will have financial security. I will be able to work either fewer hours or work periodically and then I can be available to Master, to serve him as he wishes. We will be able to travel and do the things we both want. We will be able to export new places and experience new things.
We are people in our middle age. We know that we have achieved a great deal to date. We both have children and in my case a parent to think of, but we also know that we are at a time in our life where considering ourselves and each other is just, if not more important. I need to think of myself, but also to think of him. He does likewise. 
We aspire now to have a good time. We aspire to be free to demonstrate the dynamic we have chosen for ourselves and for each other.
I aspire most of all to be his slave and to be free to demonstrate that I am his slave all of the time. I aspire to be free to be able to modify my body as we both desire, and to show that body to him as we wish. 
But we do recognise that we live in the real world and that doing as we wish cannot always be achieved. So perhaps we just aspire to be left alone to be ourselves most of the time.

M is for………

Master/slave dynamic (M/s) and Mine

The more this girl reads about the concept of the Master / slave dynamic, the more she realises that everyone’s individual experience is different. People often describe themselves not as ‘a’ slave but as ‘His’ slave, in the same way that it is difficult to describe yourself as a wife if you don’t have a husband. Others still identify as slave, but are unowned. For this girl she didn’t actually identify as a slave until she already had a Master. He however says that he saw such qualities in her. Not all slaves identify as submissive (according to a number of people on Fetlife that this girl is acquainted with), but she herself knows that she is submissive and probably always was.  Master definitely is Dominant, and wishes to be in control of all aspects of his life, including the person he is having a relationship with. Because while some relationships are based on play and sex, or play and no sex, or servitude with or without sex, or love, they fundamentally are relationships.

For us, the key elements of our relationship which we believe put it in the spectrum of M/s are ownership – He is the owner, she is the possession, power – He has the power, she does not, obedience  – she is expected to be obedient and does try to be.

Moving from a situation where this girl had full control of her own life, and direct control and influence over that of other people to what she has now has taken quite a change of focus. While many decisions are still taken together, some are not. In many cases he asks her opinion while in others he not only doesn’t but also doesn’t expect it. The process to get where we are now has taken time, and this girl has a feeling that we aren’t any where near the end of that journey. Master generally decides where we go, how we get there, what time we leave, what we do when we are there. Requests can be made, but when he doesn’t wish to do whatever it is, then they don’t happen. This girl didn’t even know she would want to live life in this way, but she really does. Indeed the less control she has over her life the less she wants. The fewer decisions she has to make, then the fewer she desires to make. That isn’t to say that this girl can’t take control, she does where she needs to and will always be able to. But for now, this is the lifestyle she has chosen and it is what she wants. She is his to use, his to do with as he wishes, she is property.

Mine – a four lettered word which Master uses to remind this girl who she belongs to. It reinforces the power he feels he has over her. Power that arouses him and helps her into the submissive space she loves to inhabit. He uses the word – Mine – a lot.

I is for……

Internal enslavememt and I (the word that should not be spoken by the author of this blog).

Internal enslavement is something this girl finds quite fascinating. Unfortunately the Tanos website where much of the information about this more extreme subset of total power exchange exists is currently down. However she found a great article on the Deviance and Desire site, lots of other articles to read too. The definition of internal enslavement is described in this way:

“One of the key concepts of IE is literally – slave: this is just the everyday definition of “slave” that everyone grows up with, and it doesn’t include the roleplay slaves you sometimes meet elsewhere in BDSM. For example, this is from the definition of “slave” in the second edition of the Oxford English Dictionary: “One who is the property of, and entirely subject to another person, whether by capture, purchase or birth; a servant completely divested of freedom and personal rights.” When we say “slave”, we mean literal slave, defined in this way.”

In this type of owner / property relationship the property, the owner has complete control over the slave. Everything the slave does is for the benefit of the owner and the slave has no say in what is done or how this takes place. Communication is not important, since the slave just obeys and what is more they focus their entire energy on ensuring that their Master’s needs are met.

It seems extremely unlikely that this would work in our relationship. For a start the slave needs to be trained and treated quite harshly. Master likes to be in control and to exert power, but doesn’t wish to micromanage this girl. Nor does he wish her to do everything for him, or to be completely subservient and compliant. In day to day life, Master asks this girl’s opinion and while he doesn’t always act on it, she is free to give her views. Punishment is not something Master particularly wishes to dish out and within the current relationship it is easy to avoid. A more extreme TPE would be difficult for a bratty girl such as this to prevent herself from falling foul of the rules. What is more, Master would have to put more effort into developing the structure we lived under and then enforcing it. 

However, it is useful when you are considering a 24/7 TPE relationship, which we are, in understanding how that relationship will be going forward. You see, this journey continues and as it does Master and this girl will need to re-establish the terms under which it sits. We do want some kind of TPE, but probably internal enslavement is not for us.

When this girl became slave to her Master a set of rules were negotiated. Number’s 1 and 2 on the list were as follows (copied from that which was written by Master and agreed by this girl):

  1. Girl will address her Lord as “Master” or “Lord” or “Sir” at all times.
  2. Girl will speak in the 3rd person and refer to herself in terms such as “this girl” or “your slut”.
When out and she needs to attract the attention of her Master she sometimes calls him by his name and when we are out with friends and family she always does. At all other times though she calls him Master or Lord. She isn’t a fan of the title Sir when speaking to him and isn’t entirely sure why. 

What this girl is less good at though is not using the term I. When in bed, or during play times, this girl finds it easy to refer to herself as this girl, this slut, your bitch or whatever, but during regular conversation this often slips. 

Generally Master ignores what she has said, though he nearly always answers by calling her girl. Sometimes he reminds her. When discussing words beginning with I which might be used in this post it was Master who suggested this word – I – the word that has been abolished.

Given the other word(s) for today and the assertion that we are moving towards a 24/7 existence, this girl is going to focus on abolishing the word I from her vocabulary in conversations with Master. Of course it can’t be avoided elsewhere like at work. But in our life together it can.