Submissive Coffee Club #117

This has already happened in our relationship, there have been times when Master has acknowledged that my help has been required, though maybe not at the time. He is not a man who takes kindly to being ‘told what to do’. But what I found was that if I gave Him the space and the time and didn’t push too hard, then He really did let me in.

When He didn’t readily confide in me I did feel helpless, but the key was to go on giving what He needed from me. Being there and offering my presence as well as, when He wanted it His property – i.e. all of me that He owns.

I am not sure that it is about rules, once again I am not sure that Master is a man for rules for Himself. But for me to have given up what I have, there must be trust. I trust Him completely to keep me safe during my submission. So He that would be his bit of the contract, as it were.

Submissive coffee club Prompt #115

The lovely tori’s blog has led me to another great place; sccwriting (Submissive coffee club) on Tumblr. First it’s a really good place to read the thoughts of other submissives, and secondly it provides prompts on what you might want to write about (and include on the site if you want to)
This is the latest set of prompts which are published on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Prompt Set #115
– Has your everyday language been altered by your lifestyle language?
It depends who I am talking to. Of course, in my relationship with Master, as apposed to previous relationships it offers the opportunity to discuss a wider range of topics. Plus it means that there is always an undercurrent to the most vanilla conversations. My everyday language with the people I am in contact hasn’t really changed, but perhaps the way I think through what I am going to say has. There have been times when there has almost been a slip of the tongue and I am sure that will always be the case.
I have come to enjoy the freedom of chatting with Master and with the few other kinky people I know in real life.
– Do you use non-verbal forms of communication in your dynamic?
Non verbals are important for us, I would say. He and I have not discussed this, but for me in the main it is about seeking His reassurance that I am conducting myself in the right way, or am doing things in the way He wants. Also we exchange a look when we know that someone is trying to get me to take the lead in something that I neither want or can do. For example in restaurants. No amount of speaking to me rather than Him will make me choose the wine or even most of the meals. Finally, we do lots of people watching and often the glances that pass between us are to do with that particular fun pastime.
– Has your lifestyle language cause any bloopers in your everyday life?
The most likely thing, which hasn’t happened yet is that I refer to Him as Master when discussing Him with someone who has no idea. It hasn’t happened, but I have come close.
“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.“ -Edgar Allan Poe

Random facts

I am essentially short on new ideas for posts right now, partly due to the busy nature of my life currently  – a constant juggle of work, family and enjoying myself with Master, leaves little time or energy for writing. I know that this will pass (it always does) and soon enough I will have the burning desire to share something meaningful here.

Meanwhile, taking a lead from tori, I give you 12 random facts about me, 6 vanilla and 6 kinky:
Vanilla
  • I have a constant battle with my weight, when I set my mind to it I can stick to whatever diet I am following, but my mind keeps wandering….
  • I love to travel and visit new places. Beach holidays have never appealed, my skin is too pale and freckly, and I struggle to sit still for long without getting bored. At last though I am with someone who doesn’t want to spend all day on the beach or by a pool.
  • I am much better at putting things off than getting them done. Having said that, putting other things off helps get blog posts done. That’s why I haven’t been posting here so much – I have been far too busy to procrastinate so the blog suffers instead.
  • The best thing about commuting to work by train, which I have been doing for the past 20 months or so, is that I can spend much more time reading. I often have a few books on the go, both fiction and non fiction.
  • I would like to live abroad, maybe in France when I have done with working. I need to improve my French though, something I am trying to do.
  • It is 35 years this October coming since I started my nursing career. I might not work clinically any more, but I use the knowledge I gained as a bedside nurse every day.
Kinky
  • Pain is not a large part of our dynamic, ours is more about power exchange and control. To think I used to hate being told what to do – still do depending on who is doing the telling.
  • I get a thrill from wearing as few clothes as possible. I love it when Master slips His hand under my skirt to feel my bare bottom when we are out.
  • The best things ever for me have been my piercings. They have enhanced our sex life in a way neither of us expected.
  • Being restrained is both calming and erotic. Spreader bar, cuffs, whatever. I just love them.
  • We have spoken lots about going to a club to play. I hope that happens soon.
  • Message to Master – I am ready for that collar…..
Now I just have to get my finger out and write a regular post or two.

Clearing her mind

This girl has a bad habit of taking on the troubles of the world and carrying them around with her. This is true at work and it is true with family. This week, unfortunately has been a busy and stressful time on both counts. This girl hasn’t been sleeping well, she keeps on waking in the early hours with her mind full of worries, thoughts about work and secret guilty feelings that won’t go away.

So by the time this girl arrived to spend the weekend with Master last night, she was feeling tired and stressed. So tired in fact that she could have gone to bed, to sleep there and then, at 7pm. Luckily with dinner inside her and a walk to a local pub, this girl rallied. Mind you, she also drank a little too much. This helped though in relaxing her and making her able to concentrate on things other than the monkeys she has been carrying. 
Helped by drink, plus feeling Master’s closeness (He often sleeps with a hand on this girl’s body), she slept much more soundly than she has all week and  while she woke with a bit of a head ache, the girl was at least rested. Master moved His hands over His property, settling one on a nipple and the other between her already slick lips. The thoughts that had already been flooding into this girl’s mind were sent away as she concentrated on what He was doing to her and on the things He loves her to say at these times.
“Who are you?” He asks
“This girl” she answers
“Who owns you?”
“Master owns this girl”
This is just the beginning, but it is a necessary start for both Master and slave. It helps to create the space they will inhabit for what is to come. It helps this girl to empty her head of any thoughts not involving her Master, her Lord, her owner.
What followed was many many orgasms, both through the use of His fingers and mouth but also from the penetration of His cock and from the wonderful way He has of stroking her clitoral hood piercing with His cock. 
It is clear that this girl will have no problems keeping her mind clear today. She can stay here in her slave place, where Master is in control and where the decisions she needs to make will be minimal. The question is, how can she maintain that feeling when she is out of His direct influence?

Limits

On returning from holiday, where access to the internet was often limited and intermittent, I have spent time catching up. It has been great getting up to date with everyone’s blogs, commenting and writing a little. I have also been catching up with posts on Fetlife.

I have a love hate relationship with that place. It should be a great place to meet people and to see what they are up to and discuss mutually interesting topics. But as with other social media it can be a tricky place. People aren’t always treated with respect in the way that they seem to be in our little blog world.

Anyway, the other day I did a bit of clicking from friends to photos and comments they had commented on. Through the whole 6 degrees of separation thing found myself on the profile of someone living not so far from me. This person, friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever) says she is a submissive. Not a slave but a submissive. In her profile she goes into great detail about her wants and desires and about her limits. A very very long list of limits, hard and harder.

The person in question is a submissive while I am Master’s slave. She does talk about wanting to feel controlled, but in a positive way. She talks of pain, but not as punishment and nothing too painful.

This has led me to think about my approach to this whole lifestyle and the fact that I have essentially given up control of what limits I had to another. What is more, it didn’t take me long to do so. There is more to it though, I am not sure that I ever sat down and worked out what those limits were. Part of that is not because I would do everything I was ever told to do by just anyone. But because at my advanced age I have decided it is time to explore my sexuality in a way I never even expected.

It would have been so easy to read other peoples blogs, books and fettle profiles. It would be easy to watch some pornography and look at photos and decide yuk that is not for me. Well, there are things I see and read I am not so sure about but I don’t discount anything without giving it a great deal of thought. But if I had created a long list of definitely won’t do I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have, or the things I might in the future. Instead I have decided to trust the man who is my Master.

It is after all the relationship that is the important thing here, since this isn’t about play. This is about real life and the experiences that make us what we are.

Perhaps the lady whose profile I encountered is really looking for a play partner, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you don’t open your mind a little you will never fully know what your kinks really are or the extent of your limits. Plus you won’t understand the core of a D/s relationship – the power exchange, the trust that is necessary. For me at least that is what this is about.

This girl’s submission

A lot is being written about submission at the moment, much of it in the context of the whole 50 Shades of Grey hype. It has been good to see articles in newspapers and magazines written by those who live this lifestyle themselves. It has also led to a number of bloggers writing on the topic themselves.

For this girl, deciding to write about her submission is less about any outside influences, although they have been thought provoking. Actually this is about something within, about a sense that this girl’s submission is developing further. This is partly because Master is pushing this girl to explore her limits, but also that she wants to do so.
To begin with submission felt like a desire, a want. Something to try. It was possible to switch it on and off. To be Master’s girl when they were together, and then to get on with real life. Pretty soon though this girl realised that it wasn’t so easy to put it out of her mind. Over time it has become a need.
Part of this is structured through the contract. Within it, this girl needs to consider Master’s view on the things she does. She needs at all times to wonder whether He would be happy with what she is saying or doing. To consider whether He would be proud of her actions and behaviours. This has at times caused this girl to act differently than she would previously. It also gives her cause to reflect on her actions afterwards.
Whenever Master says good bye to this girl, whether in person or say on Skype (which is how they communicate during the working week), He tells this girl to be good. She often laughs this off, but actually it is important. It is a reminder. He is not particularly hot on punishment, for that this girl is glad and grateful. But this doesn’t mean she wilfully misbehaves anyway.
Then there is the way in which we address each other. He is Master and that is what this girl calls Him. Sometimes she almost refers to Him as Master to others; family members or colleagues. In her own head she thinks of Him as Master, because that is who and what He is. Master always refers to this girl as girl. She is pretty sure that is the way He thinks of her, as His girl. During play or sex, this girl often calls Him Lord. He loves her to refer to Him in this way. There was a time when this girl laughed in the face of such a title, but not any more. In this relationship, this girl needs to consider the respect with which she treats her Master. Gradually He is also becoming her Daddy, as He guides her and teaches her the ways of His world. To Him this girl is a bitch or a slut. She loves to be called these names and He loves it when she refers to herself in this way.

For much of the time we have been together, this relationship has been conducted in private. First in play and in the bedroom and then within the confines of our homes. This doesn’t mean that Master hasn’t always touched His girl – a feel of her bottom or nipple for example – while they are out in public. This girl is required to dress without underwear when we are together, unless she seeks permission. Master prefers access to this girl’s body at all times, though He is relaxed about her wearing trousers etc during winter. The feel of His hand on this girl’s bare bottom as we walk along together helps to remind her of her submission, what is more, she finds it arousing and she loves Him to turn her on in this way.

Now though we are branching out, we have started to attend a local munch regularly and this girl has asked Master to consider a play party for them to attend soon. When it happens, it will be her first time playing in public in front of others and also to watch other people. This girl feels that it will be an important step for her, but probably something she needs to do.

This girl’s submission is increasingly about the power that Master has taken from her and which He exerts over her. It is an ever present aspect of their relationship together. For Master, the power exchange is what arouses Him, indeed it is at the core of who He is. He doesn’t look for, nor get any kind of doormat, but we both know who is in charge in this relationship. For the first time in her life, this girl is able to go through whole days of her life without making much in the way of a decision.

This is highly liberating for someone who thought she was a control freak. Often in restaurants these days, this girl barely glances at the menu, and never bothers to look at the wine list since she never chooses the wine anyway. That power exchange though is not always an overt thing, something that can be seen by others, it is implicit, at the centre of who we are, an ever present undercurrent to our everyday life.

Master’s kinks are increasingly becoming this girl’s kinks. Luckily, she is willing to try most things once (at least), she trusts that He will keep her safe and so puts herself into His safe hands. So when she dresses for His pleasure, when she lies down in the playroom and He experiments with the new attachments on His violent wand, when she pisses on Him or he on Her the pleasure He feels becomes hers. This girl is there for Him, to be used yes, but also to reap the benefits and to enjoy her submission.

There are outward signs of ownership; the piercings and the bracelet. In the future there will very likely be a tattoo of some kind and hopefully a collar. He would like a slave with very short hair, maybe shaved, He may not get that from this girl (but never say never).

But really this girl’s submission is not about those things. This submissive craves Master’s Dominance and He her submission. Who knows where all of this is going to lead? Maybe it is about the journey though, not the ultimate destination.

Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won’t be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master’s presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn’t any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn’t there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn’t have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn’t need to. External factors to this girl’s life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl’s need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

Too Needy?

I seem to be in a chicken / egg situation. Right now, I feel as if I need help, support, attention even. What I can’t work out is this:

Is the neediness because I have so much going on in my life? Is it because I have begun to share my problems with another and let go of so much of the power and control? Is it because my submissive side is emerging and so I need the Dominant person to support me or else I feel I can’t cope?

Whatever the reason, this morning I woke feeling anxious and yes, needy.

For a reason, not yet clear, the time I thought I was going to spend with Him last night, didn’t happen.

This morning, as well as the anxiety I feel when He goes ‘off line’ as it were, I also feel as if perhaps I am too needy. I start to believe I need to pull back the control of myself, since this feeling is far too scary to cope with.

What is happening to me?

Communication in relationships – is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents – my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all – I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won’t repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn’t have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can’t get to the root of the problem, and she can’t get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn’t very happy either. I can’t help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said “one and a half”, but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn’t really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn’t there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called “The world of Joolz”. Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don’t feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.