Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.

30 Days of Kink – Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

As a (hopefully) sane adult this girl is able to decide for herself the kind of life she wishes to live. What is more, she has spent a lot of time considering what this lifestyle means both in an individual sense and also in the wider context. What is more, this girl is educated – a Degree in nursing and a Masters in Strategic Leadership (yep, the latter is quite pretentious sounding, but was a very interesting course). The important thing about those two qualifications is that this involves a serious amount of reading around the topic(s) is required, and while doing that reading a person is also required to think about the way in which society functions and the extent to which people tend to conform to social norms. 

Essentially, the norm seems to be sex between a man and a woman  which takes place within the confines of the bedroom and can be enjoyed by both parties so long as it is not really discussed (apart maybe from letting the odd survey know that it is carried out at least a couple of times a week). Any kind of kink seems to be considered weird. In these days of sexual exploitation, a controlling media and the idea that there is a Paedophile around every corner, anything outside of that norm is considered weird. Of course the whole FSOG thing has opened up the idea of a bit of bondage and spanking here and there, but it is difficult to gauge just how much the average person believes it really happens outside of a book or film. 

In reality kink is about what two consenting adults decide is right for them (within the realms of what is legal). The biggest thing for this girl is the knowledge that while sexual arousal may take place as part of the kink activity, it doesn’t necessarily need to be about sexual intercourse. In fact, there are times when it can’t be (at events for example). In our relationship, when we are alone together, in a private place then sex is likely to follow play, but it doesn’t have to and for many people it isn’t part of the dynamic. 

So this girl and Master are outside of what is considered ‘normal’, but we have agreed to the things we do. We are adult, apparently sane and we keep most of what we do reasonably private. We don’t tend to cause difficulties to those around us who are going about their normal lives, not that many people seem to have a clue what goes on under their very noses. But then that is part of the fun of all of this!


Sluttiness in a public place – ethically wrong? But not noticed by anyone.




Satisfied

Apparently about 50% of adults in the UK are unsatisfied with their sex lives, apparently also many people don’t have regular sex. The survey by Relate, puts this down people feeling that they need to perform well, that they need to have penetrative sex and that they need it to be spontaneous. Reading the comments after the article, this girl would say that those who are unhappy about their sex may well have more fundamental problems with their relationships. This girl has experience of being in the wrong relationship, one where she didn’t really find her husband attractive any more and one where sex of any kind was rare. Sex is not the only important thing in a relationship and it is fully possible to enjoy life without it. But when sex is good, then it really is integral to your wellbeing as a couple.

This girl probably has more sex now, at the age of 53 than ever before (yes this girl had a birthday this week). What is more, she is enjoying that sex in a way that she could previously only fantasise about. This girl has been considering some of the reasons for this.

First there is the power dynamic and the knowledge that Master is in control, that He calls the shots. That is not to say that this girl can’t and doesn’t initiate things. But it is satisfying to know that no one is going to suggest that you need to take more control of things and that if no sex occurs tonight it must be all your fault.

Second, that He not only owns this girl’s body, her holes and her orgasms but that he takes such pleasure in doing so. He loves to touch, stroke, to kiss. He makes her feel wanted and loved, makes her feel good about her own body since He seems to love it so much. He spends a lot of time touching that property, and making His slave aroused, taking pleasure and ultimately taking those orgasms. Sometimes that leads to penetrative sex, but often it doesn’t. Not because we don’t want to but more like because we don’t need to.

Thirdly there are other ways that we achieve sexual satisfaction. Through play, through the power exchange itself, through just talking about the things we have done and things we will do in the future, including fantasies we both have and know we will fulfil when the time is right. For Master sexual satisfaction comes through the knowledge that He calls the shots, and that in itself leads to the kind of sex we have had this morning. For this girl, satisfaction comes through the orgasms she has given, through the pain she currently feels in her used arse and through the saltiness she can still taste in her mouth from His gift to her.

Yes, it is safe to say that this girl is one very satisfied person.

30 days of kink – 3 in one!

As with some of the of 30 days of, it seems that combining days is a good idea, otherwise a girl could be here till Christmas completing it.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic


There are a number things to this photo – firstly she is naked and on her knees, he is fully clothed and is standing up. Look at the way He has His hand on her head. Finally of course, she is restrained and wearing the leash that He is holding.

This speaks to this girl of submission and Dominance, of control, of power and control. 

These are some of the things that this girl finds erotic. Re-enacted in real life and this girl imagines that she would very soon have her mouth around Master’s cock, at His very insistence of course.  

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy


Madonna, Erotica

Master has played music from this album once or twice during a play session and it is beginning to have an effect on this girl even when He is not around. A bit of a Pavlov’s dog thing? 

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

The only limits this girl now has are the hard ones which both this girl and Master agree on anyway. They would be around age play, scat and anything illegal. Other than that, this girl has handed her limits over to Master, she is His slave and that is all that can be said on the subject. He wishes to push this girl’s limits and she trusts that He will do that in the right kind of way. Safe to say, this wouldn’t always feel pleasant, certainly on the surface. This girl finds it both scary and exciting to be pushed, but trusts Him to do it in the right way. 


A girl’s thoughts on being collared and the future.

Master has gone home after a lovely weekend together and this girl now has some time to reflect on the weekend and on our relationship generally. Yesterday, before the collaring Master reminded this girl about her use of the word I, rather than speaking in the third person as she is meant to do. At the beginning it was one of the things that helped this girl manage herself and the stresses of daily life.

It would be true to say that this lapse is just one of the ways in which she has been falling a little short. When a couple doesn’t live together it is really easy to let bad habits creep in. For a slave in that situation it is perhaps too easy to know that He can’t see her all of the time and that He doesn’t want to have to micromanage her behaviours

For this girl though, last night’s collaring feels like a good way to think again about making sure she is being the best possible slave for her Master and is serving Him in the ways that He wishes. So this girl is going to make some changes, to correct some of those things and to prepare the way for further adjustments that she knows are to come.

The two key things that this girl needs to think about are really simple to fix – the first as she has eluded to relate to the use of the third person when engaging with Master. This is designed to help remind this girl that she is a thing, a possession. She knows this to be the case, but needs to remember her place which communicating with Master. As part of this adjustment, this girl is going to use the third person much more when blogging.

The second area that needs to change is that this girl should be wearing one of her butt plugs twice a week to sleep. The problem is that she can’t actually remember the last time she did wear it. This could be easily combined with the requirement that when she loses focus, she look in the the mirror and say out loud that she belongs to Master. This girl feels that these two rules could easily be combined and used much more frequently, along with a new need to kneel. So even without the rewriting of rules this girl will spend some time when alone in the house in the evening kneeling, plugged in front of the mirror in her bedroom thinking about her submission and getting into the right headspace. Then on some of those evenings, this girl will leave the plug in place for the night. As Master has reminded girl, wearing the plug helps to centre her and to allow stresses to evaporate.

This girl is still on a high, sitting here as Master’s collared slave. But she recognises that wearing His collar brings with it new responsibilities. This feels like a new chapter in this girl’s journey as Master’s slave.

About us. An update

It is time that I updated my “about us” page, so this post is written for that purpose.

This morning Master commented that it must have been a year since this girl became His slave. This thought has given this girl cause to reflect on that year and to realise how far she has come and how different her life is now in comparison to then. For one, there is no ‘alpha slave’ waiting across the atlantic ocean. This time last year, Master was with kitty and unknown to this girl, things in that relationship were drawing to a close. None of us realised it at the time, so this girl was trying to live from day to day, making the most of her time as His slave, biding her time until it would end and kitty would arrive. At that time also, hubby was still spending part of the week at home, son was living here and things with dad’s illness were beginning to come to a head. Life was stressful and this girl appeared to be one high maintenance slave.

But actually that is far from reality. This girl is in the main self sufficient when she needs to be, but ever reliant on Her Master when she doesn’t. Life is now in a steady routine where weekends are spent together. During this time, this girl feels safe in the knowledge that she is His slave, His property, His play thing, but the relationship is now so much more. During the week, this girl is working and in the evening she is her, at home, alone. What is different though is that she remains His slave during that time. There is now never a moment that she doesn’t know or feel that she is His. There are external signs – the slave bracelet and the piercings. But without those symbols that knowledge and feeling remains. This is now a 24/7 TPE relationship even though we don’t live together. This is stated even though just days ago this girl denied this was so. Today she has changed her mind.

How can this girl say and think such a thing with such certainty?

Well, increasingly this girl knows that it isn’t just he body that Master owns – that part was given up willingly when she became His submissive.

It is the deep seated and acknowledged fact that He owns every part of her. It is about the fact that He always knows what His girl is doing, who she is with (except during the working day) and that during those times, when out of sight that she is mindful of her slave status, of what His views would be of her behaviour at that time. This is done without actual contact, save for the occasional text or email.

When they are together His control over her is more overt and explicit. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t do things on her own initiative, of course she does. But there is an every present understanding who and what she is and what her purpose is. Of course, this relationship is much wider, deeper, and stronger than can easily be expressed on a page such as this. It is a loving caring relationship between two adults. It is about pleasure and fun and it is about discussing serious issues and making decisions. But at all times, He is the Master and she is the slave. She is this girl to Him and He is Master to her.

Today this girl has no limits, they are owned by Master along with her body, her orgasms and indeed her mind.

All of these things can be stated because there is complete trust in who this girl is, who He is and that He will always do the right thing by her. Soon we will take the next step and this girl will wear Master’s collar.

A year may have flown by, but in terms of this relationship we have come a very long way.

Oct 2018: For our story to the present date please see the pages at the top of the blog. 

Map of human sexuality – Something fun

Find out where I’ve journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

I found this through someone’s Fetlife profile. Click on the “map of human sexuality” hyperlink to see my map, and then you can do your own. Great fun. A chance to think about the things you like, those you would love to try and those that you definitely never ever would and luckily you have a Master who wouldn’t want to either!

Submissive Coffee Club #117

This has already happened in our relationship, there have been times when Master has acknowledged that my help has been required, though maybe not at the time. He is not a man who takes kindly to being ‘told what to do’. But what I found was that if I gave Him the space and the time and didn’t push too hard, then He really did let me in.

When He didn’t readily confide in me I did feel helpless, but the key was to go on giving what He needed from me. Being there and offering my presence as well as, when He wanted it His property – i.e. all of me that He owns.

I am not sure that it is about rules, once again I am not sure that Master is a man for rules for Himself. But for me to have given up what I have, there must be trust. I trust Him completely to keep me safe during my submission. So He that would be his bit of the contract, as it were.

Submissive coffee club Prompt #115

The lovely tori’s blog has led me to another great place; sccwriting (Submissive coffee club) on Tumblr. First it’s a really good place to read the thoughts of other submissives, and secondly it provides prompts on what you might want to write about (and include on the site if you want to)
This is the latest set of prompts which are published on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Prompt Set #115
– Has your everyday language been altered by your lifestyle language?
It depends who I am talking to. Of course, in my relationship with Master, as apposed to previous relationships it offers the opportunity to discuss a wider range of topics. Plus it means that there is always an undercurrent to the most vanilla conversations. My everyday language with the people I am in contact hasn’t really changed, but perhaps the way I think through what I am going to say has. There have been times when there has almost been a slip of the tongue and I am sure that will always be the case.
I have come to enjoy the freedom of chatting with Master and with the few other kinky people I know in real life.
– Do you use non-verbal forms of communication in your dynamic?
Non verbals are important for us, I would say. He and I have not discussed this, but for me in the main it is about seeking His reassurance that I am conducting myself in the right way, or am doing things in the way He wants. Also we exchange a look when we know that someone is trying to get me to take the lead in something that I neither want or can do. For example in restaurants. No amount of speaking to me rather than Him will make me choose the wine or even most of the meals. Finally, we do lots of people watching and often the glances that pass between us are to do with that particular fun pastime.
– Has your lifestyle language cause any bloopers in your everyday life?
The most likely thing, which hasn’t happened yet is that I refer to Him as Master when discussing Him with someone who has no idea. It hasn’t happened, but I have come close.
“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.“ -Edgar Allan Poe

Random facts

I am essentially short on new ideas for posts right now, partly due to the busy nature of my life currently  – a constant juggle of work, family and enjoying myself with Master, leaves little time or energy for writing. I know that this will pass (it always does) and soon enough I will have the burning desire to share something meaningful here.

Meanwhile, taking a lead from tori, I give you 12 random facts about me, 6 vanilla and 6 kinky:
Vanilla
  • I have a constant battle with my weight, when I set my mind to it I can stick to whatever diet I am following, but my mind keeps wandering….
  • I love to travel and visit new places. Beach holidays have never appealed, my skin is too pale and freckly, and I struggle to sit still for long without getting bored. At last though I am with someone who doesn’t want to spend all day on the beach or by a pool.
  • I am much better at putting things off than getting them done. Having said that, putting other things off helps get blog posts done. That’s why I haven’t been posting here so much – I have been far too busy to procrastinate so the blog suffers instead.
  • The best thing about commuting to work by train, which I have been doing for the past 20 months or so, is that I can spend much more time reading. I often have a few books on the go, both fiction and non fiction.
  • I would like to live abroad, maybe in France when I have done with working. I need to improve my French though, something I am trying to do.
  • It is 35 years this October coming since I started my nursing career. I might not work clinically any more, but I use the knowledge I gained as a bedside nurse every day.
Kinky
  • Pain is not a large part of our dynamic, ours is more about power exchange and control. To think I used to hate being told what to do – still do depending on who is doing the telling.
  • I get a thrill from wearing as few clothes as possible. I love it when Master slips His hand under my skirt to feel my bare bottom when we are out.
  • The best things ever for me have been my piercings. They have enhanced our sex life in a way neither of us expected.
  • Being restrained is both calming and erotic. Spreader bar, cuffs, whatever. I just love them.
  • We have spoken lots about going to a club to play. I hope that happens soon.
  • Message to Master – I am ready for that collar…..
Now I just have to get my finger out and write a regular post or two.