The retreat

This story is dedicated to @sexblogofsorts who recently challenged me to write something inspired by this photo.

A recent feature of our relationship is that he books up our trips away. I’ve found this difficult to let used to. I like to control where I’m going, how I travel and what I do when I get there. But, when you sign up to a D/s relationship, you have to let go of some things. This apparently is one that will do me good.

Having said that, Sir has never let me down, and arriving at the airport to be told we were heading to Slovenia was intriguing. “A long weekend in the hills around lake Bled”, he said as we presented our boarding passes and passports to the person at the departure gate. Three hours later Sir was unlocking the door to our weekend retreat.

The bedroom was beautiful, spacious with an enormous bed. The bathroom was luxurious and contained both a shower and jacuzzi bath. But it was the living area that intrigued me most. I mean who furnishes their apartment with a day bed in the middle of the room? Who buys a animal hide covered chair? Don’t get me started on the elephant statue. But I digress.

Any thoughts I had of us getting changed and exploring the area were dashed when Sir informed me that sightseeing would wait until tomorrow. The kitchen was fully stocked, so dinner would be ‘at home’. He then instructed me to strip off.

When I returned from the bedroom naked Sir had covered the daybed with a sheet. “we don’t want to get the furry cover wet do we?” he smirked. Indeed not!. He had also moved the chair closer to the bed. I lay on the bed as instructed and then, from a cupboard he produced cuffs for my ankles and wrists. This was obviously no ordinary Airbnb. Minutes later my legs were spread and ankles secured to the bed. Sir sat down, smiling as he stroked the smooth hide. Thank goodness we aren’t vegetarian, I thought.

“Touch yourself, slut” He commanded. I used my left hand to feel between the lips of my cunt. Unsurprisingly I could feel my own slick juices. “rub yourself”, I pressed on my clit and rubbed gently, as it grew and hardened “faster” he said and of course I obeyed. There was certain humiliation to this scene, one that aroused me all the more. I could hear the trees rustling in the breeze, and the birds singing within their branches. I wondered if there were neighbours. This retreat seems isolated enough, but you can never tell.

“Pay attention” Sir stood over me grinning. I do have a habit of drifting off while masturbating myself. “Here use this” I took the wand he held out. “Start slow and turn it up as I tell you” I pushed the large vibrating bulb against my cunt and tried to concentrate my mine. I knew what was coming next.

“No coming unless I say!” He took a sip of wine.

It was going to be a long evening.

To be continued.

Psychology

I have 3 general categories for posts that are about me and how I tick, or a specifically about the more internal aspects of our dynamic. The psychology of me, of D/s and M/s. Posts in the D/s category are mainly from my time with Steve and the first few months with Master. Usually those posts are also labelled more specific to their topic. Over the years these categories have been useful when I’ve written things that seem random.

This blog has been a great place for me to write what I think and feel at a given time. I don’t keep a separate diary or journal and the only notes are make are planning ones. Often I don’t know what I’m going to write about until I sit down and do it. Sometimes I start off with a plan for one topic and it leads to something else. That’s the way my mind seems to work.

There’s no doubt that a power exchange dynamic produces thoughts and feelings that are strange. Why do I want to be dominated? Why am I willing to submit? How on earth did he manage to make me orgasm when I was sure I wouldn’t? Just a few of the questions I’ve asked myself and explored on this blog.

Over the past 8 years (my blogaversary is tomorrow) I’ve written over 1800 posts. This was the first one. Back then I knew virtually nothing about submission and dominance and less about BDSM and kink. But I was ready to learn and keep to please. This blog has been the perfect receptacle for my thoughts, many of them random.

By looking back over time, I can see how I’ve changed as a person and how much I’ve learned. But also that there is more learning to be done. More delving into my own psyche. Wondering about the psychology of me and my relationships.

Stuff has happened this last week that has rocked me. I’ve never been so affected by something that really didn’t concern me. I’ve lost friends over this issue. That’s something I’m sad about and will write about soon. Indeed I’m no longer sure which memes I can and should write about. Or where I’m welcome. Only time will tell.

P

My Journal

Partial view of a MacBook Pro partially opened.

Other than January Jumpstart, Journal is the only category beginning with J. I started this blog in April 2012 (apologies for my mistake in previously saying I was coming up to 9 years, it’s 8). I started the blog to journal my progress from dull married housewife to exciting submissive. Though I didn’t really know at the time what that even meant.

Those early days

Never having been good at keeping a written diary going I decided to write about my adventures on a blog. I was no stranger to blogging because I kept one related to work and had used it to provide evidence for my Masters. This though was much more personal. But as usual for a journal, there were plenty of down days as well as exciting interludes. Obviously I longed for it to be the other way round. But unlike written diaries where I got bored after around February, this continued. I filled the spaces with the memes of the time. Mainly 30 days of this and that. At the same time I was reading vociferously so what I didn’t experience in real time could be read about.

Being found out

When my ex discovered my treachery I suddenly had a place to vent. To describe my day to day life. I rarely read it back now as it is painful. But I would never delete because they are important times in my life. As I have said recently, I sometimes come across a post that reminds me why I started on this journey and that it was right to do so.

Meeting Master

I’m pretty sure that if I hadn’t already been writing about my life on my blog, Master would have asked me to start some kind of journal.

I never felt that I shouldn’t share this space with him, testament perhaps that I trusted him from the start. He read every post I’d written early on and has always said it helped him identify my needs as a submissive. He would often ask me questions about certain posts to clarify things in his mind.

While this primary slave was around it was important to write. She messed with my head and ultimately ended her own relationship with her crazy antics. My blog became a place of sanctuary until she found it and I shut up and then moved.

Now

Not so many of my posts these days could be described a ‘journal’. There isn’t a big need for it. The last time it really helped was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I even managed to post the day following surgery. Important to look back on now as a diary or journal post.

The future

While I have little need of my blog being a daily journal there is no way of knowing when this might be a need. So, my blog will always be ready to be turned into a journal. At the drop of a hat.

Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.

30 Days of Kink – Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

As a (hopefully) sane adult this girl is able to decide for herself the kind of life she wishes to live. What is more, she has spent a lot of time considering what this lifestyle means both in an individual sense and also in the wider context. What is more, this girl is educated – a Degree in nursing and a Masters in Strategic Leadership (yep, the latter is quite pretentious sounding, but was a very interesting course). The important thing about those two qualifications is that this involves a serious amount of reading around the topic(s) is required, and while doing that reading a person is also required to think about the way in which society functions and the extent to which people tend to conform to social norms. 

Essentially, the norm seems to be sex between a man and a woman  which takes place within the confines of the bedroom and can be enjoyed by both parties so long as it is not really discussed (apart maybe from letting the odd survey know that it is carried out at least a couple of times a week). Any kind of kink seems to be considered weird. In these days of sexual exploitation, a controlling media and the idea that there is a Paedophile around every corner, anything outside of that norm is considered weird. Of course the whole FSOG thing has opened up the idea of a bit of bondage and spanking here and there, but it is difficult to gauge just how much the average person believes it really happens outside of a book or film. 

In reality kink is about what two consenting adults decide is right for them (within the realms of what is legal). The biggest thing for this girl is the knowledge that while sexual arousal may take place as part of the kink activity, it doesn’t necessarily need to be about sexual intercourse. In fact, there are times when it can’t be (at events for example). In our relationship, when we are alone together, in a private place then sex is likely to follow play, but it doesn’t have to and for many people it isn’t part of the dynamic. 

So this girl and Master are outside of what is considered ‘normal’, but we have agreed to the things we do. We are adult, apparently sane and we keep most of what we do reasonably private. We don’t tend to cause difficulties to those around us who are going about their normal lives, not that many people seem to have a clue what goes on under their very noses. But then that is part of the fun of all of this!


Sluttiness in a public place – ethically wrong? But not noticed by anyone.




Satisfied

Apparently about 50% of adults in the UK are unsatisfied with their sex lives, apparently also many people don’t have regular sex. The survey by Relate, puts this down people feeling that they need to perform well, that they need to have penetrative sex and that they need it to be spontaneous. Reading the comments after the article, this girl would say that those who are unhappy about their sex may well have more fundamental problems with their relationships. This girl has experience of being in the wrong relationship, one where she didn’t really find her husband attractive any more and one where sex of any kind was rare. Sex is not the only important thing in a relationship and it is fully possible to enjoy life without it. But when sex is good, then it really is integral to your wellbeing as a couple.

This girl probably has more sex now, at the age of 53 than ever before (yes this girl had a birthday this week). What is more, she is enjoying that sex in a way that she could previously only fantasise about. This girl has been considering some of the reasons for this.

First there is the power dynamic and the knowledge that Master is in control, that He calls the shots. That is not to say that this girl can’t and doesn’t initiate things. But it is satisfying to know that no one is going to suggest that you need to take more control of things and that if no sex occurs tonight it must be all your fault.

Second, that He not only owns this girl’s body, her holes and her orgasms but that he takes such pleasure in doing so. He loves to touch, stroke, to kiss. He makes her feel wanted and loved, makes her feel good about her own body since He seems to love it so much. He spends a lot of time touching that property, and making His slave aroused, taking pleasure and ultimately taking those orgasms. Sometimes that leads to penetrative sex, but often it doesn’t. Not because we don’t want to but more like because we don’t need to.

Thirdly there are other ways that we achieve sexual satisfaction. Through play, through the power exchange itself, through just talking about the things we have done and things we will do in the future, including fantasies we both have and know we will fulfil when the time is right. For Master sexual satisfaction comes through the knowledge that He calls the shots, and that in itself leads to the kind of sex we have had this morning. For this girl, satisfaction comes through the orgasms she has given, through the pain she currently feels in her used arse and through the saltiness she can still taste in her mouth from His gift to her.

Yes, it is safe to say that this girl is one very satisfied person.

30 days of kink – 3 in one!

As with some of the of 30 days of, it seems that combining days is a good idea, otherwise a girl could be here till Christmas completing it.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic


There are a number things to this photo – firstly she is naked and on her knees, he is fully clothed and is standing up. Look at the way He has His hand on her head. Finally of course, she is restrained and wearing the leash that He is holding.

This speaks to this girl of submission and Dominance, of control, of power and control. 

These are some of the things that this girl finds erotic. Re-enacted in real life and this girl imagines that she would very soon have her mouth around Master’s cock, at His very insistence of course.  

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy


Madonna, Erotica

Master has played music from this album once or twice during a play session and it is beginning to have an effect on this girl even when He is not around. A bit of a Pavlov’s dog thing? 

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

The only limits this girl now has are the hard ones which both this girl and Master agree on anyway. They would be around age play, scat and anything illegal. Other than that, this girl has handed her limits over to Master, she is His slave and that is all that can be said on the subject. He wishes to push this girl’s limits and she trusts that He will do that in the right kind of way. Safe to say, this wouldn’t always feel pleasant, certainly on the surface. This girl finds it both scary and exciting to be pushed, but trusts Him to do it in the right way. 


A girl’s thoughts on being collared and the future.

Master has gone home after a lovely weekend together and this girl now has some time to reflect on the weekend and on our relationship generally. Yesterday, before the collaring Master reminded this girl about her use of the word I, rather than speaking in the third person as she is meant to do. At the beginning it was one of the things that helped this girl manage herself and the stresses of daily life.

It would be true to say that this lapse is just one of the ways in which she has been falling a little short. When a couple doesn’t live together it is really easy to let bad habits creep in. For a slave in that situation it is perhaps too easy to know that He can’t see her all of the time and that He doesn’t want to have to micromanage her behaviours

For this girl though, last night’s collaring feels like a good way to think again about making sure she is being the best possible slave for her Master and is serving Him in the ways that He wishes. So this girl is going to make some changes, to correct some of those things and to prepare the way for further adjustments that she knows are to come.

The two key things that this girl needs to think about are really simple to fix – the first as she has eluded to relate to the use of the third person when engaging with Master. This is designed to help remind this girl that she is a thing, a possession. She knows this to be the case, but needs to remember her place which communicating with Master. As part of this adjustment, this girl is going to use the third person much more when blogging.

The second area that needs to change is that this girl should be wearing one of her butt plugs twice a week to sleep. The problem is that she can’t actually remember the last time she did wear it. This could be easily combined with the requirement that when she loses focus, she look in the the mirror and say out loud that she belongs to Master. This girl feels that these two rules could easily be combined and used much more frequently, along with a new need to kneel. So even without the rewriting of rules this girl will spend some time when alone in the house in the evening kneeling, plugged in front of the mirror in her bedroom thinking about her submission and getting into the right headspace. Then on some of those evenings, this girl will leave the plug in place for the night. As Master has reminded girl, wearing the plug helps to centre her and to allow stresses to evaporate.

This girl is still on a high, sitting here as Master’s collared slave. But she recognises that wearing His collar brings with it new responsibilities. This feels like a new chapter in this girl’s journey as Master’s slave.

About us. An update

It is time that I updated my “about us” page, so this post is written for that purpose.

This morning Master commented that it must have been a year since this girl became His slave. This thought has given this girl cause to reflect on that year and to realise how far she has come and how different her life is now in comparison to then. For one, there is no ‘alpha slave’ waiting across the atlantic ocean. This time last year, Master was with kitty and unknown to this girl, things in that relationship were drawing to a close. None of us realised it at the time, so this girl was trying to live from day to day, making the most of her time as His slave, biding her time until it would end and kitty would arrive. At that time also, hubby was still spending part of the week at home, son was living here and things with dad’s illness were beginning to come to a head. Life was stressful and this girl appeared to be one high maintenance slave.

But actually that is far from reality. This girl is in the main self sufficient when she needs to be, but ever reliant on Her Master when she doesn’t. Life is now in a steady routine where weekends are spent together. During this time, this girl feels safe in the knowledge that she is His slave, His property, His play thing, but the relationship is now so much more. During the week, this girl is working and in the evening she is her, at home, alone. What is different though is that she remains His slave during that time. There is now never a moment that she doesn’t know or feel that she is His. There are external signs – the slave bracelet and the piercings. But without those symbols that knowledge and feeling remains. This is now a 24/7 TPE relationship even though we don’t live together. This is stated even though just days ago this girl denied this was so. Today she has changed her mind.

How can this girl say and think such a thing with such certainty?

Well, increasingly this girl knows that it isn’t just he body that Master owns – that part was given up willingly when she became His submissive.

It is the deep seated and acknowledged fact that He owns every part of her. It is about the fact that He always knows what His girl is doing, who she is with (except during the working day) and that during those times, when out of sight that she is mindful of her slave status, of what His views would be of her behaviour at that time. This is done without actual contact, save for the occasional text or email.

When they are together His control over her is more overt and explicit. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t do things on her own initiative, of course she does. But there is an every present understanding who and what she is and what her purpose is. Of course, this relationship is much wider, deeper, and stronger than can easily be expressed on a page such as this. It is a loving caring relationship between two adults. It is about pleasure and fun and it is about discussing serious issues and making decisions. But at all times, He is the Master and she is the slave. She is this girl to Him and He is Master to her.

Today this girl has no limits, they are owned by Master along with her body, her orgasms and indeed her mind.

All of these things can be stated because there is complete trust in who this girl is, who He is and that He will always do the right thing by her. Soon we will take the next step and this girl will wear Master’s collar.

A year may have flown by, but in terms of this relationship we have come a very long way.

Oct 2018: For our story to the present date please see the pages at the top of the blog. 

Map of human sexuality – Something fun

Find out where I’ve journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

I found this through someone’s Fetlife profile. Click on the “map of human sexuality” hyperlink to see my map, and then you can do your own. Great fun. A chance to think about the things you like, those you would love to try and those that you definitely never ever would and luckily you have a Master who wouldn’t want to either!