Being a Leo

A female lion watched by a male

I’d like to say that I don’t believe a word of what is written about astrology and star signs. But I do. Being a Leo means I am a lion, the queen of the jungle. Apparently vivacious, theatrical and passionate. I would believe in astrology less if more of what I read about Leo’s were less true of me. You see, I really do like to be centre stage. And I like attention to be all about me. Unfortunately this has been one of the main problems in my life. You see, my mum is also a Leo.

My relationship with my mum

My mum has always put our challenging relationship down to the fact we are so similar. This is probably a genetic issue, we do look quite alike and I know I have similar mannerisms (though I hate to admit it). But there is something more to it and I think the problem is that we are both Leos. But worse than that our birthdays are one day apart. I can think of very few times when she has given way for me on the celebration front. She has conveniently forgotten on many occasions that I might like to celebrate my birthday too and not necessarily with her. The one occasion that she did put me first was when she held my nan’s funeral on her birthday rather than mine.

However my Leo mother is now 80 and I am 57, so there is nothing to do but live with our differences. The fact that she gets lonely is not only to do with the fact she wants people to put her first. But also because she is a widow and lives alone. Unfortunately she speaks first and thinks second and this has alienated her from people. Making her more lonely. However, she is my mum and I do love her and so where others stay away, I am unable to.

Leos and love

My ex husband is Libra, this is meant to be a good match for a Leo and in a way it was. He was happy for me to have the limelight. Happy to do things I wanted, so long as I got him to think that he had thought of it. But his main problem was his inability to make a decision. He hates to rock the boat and dislikes change. In the end, some of those traits drove me mad. Of course, his star sign had no bearing on me deciding to marry him. That would be stupid. Though I met a woman once who took a dislike to my husband because he was a Libra just like her ex. And that was without even knowing him.

Master is an Aries, as was Steve. Both are assertive. Steve might have been a bit more energetic (he was such a whirlwind at times he made me feel exhausted). Apparently for people born under Aries the seduction is worth more than the lay. This was true for Steve as he always seemed to be ticking off a bucket list. Once he had done them he moved on; he certainly did that with me.

Master and I are a much more compatible Aries / Leo combo. He is an attentive lover. We love and trust each other and I have no intention of allowing this to change. My problems with my ex were trust based and for me this is important.

It’s not the only thing to consider

While I am interested in the general traits that are attributed to the various star signs, I am not an avid watcher or believer in horoscopes. I believe it is possible, with a lot of information for someone who has knowledge of astrology, to make lifestyle predictions. But I don’t believe that the stuff peddled online or in newspapers is valid.

This is my horoscope for today:

Young visitors bring out the best in you today. Have you prepared some delicious food for your guests? When you want to, you can be a great host, keeping guests entertained and even enthralled. In return, they’re thoroughly enjoyable company. This should be a happy interlude for you since you like being sociable. You may receive a welcome delivery some time during the day, too.

Horoscope.com

It’s true I am a good host and like good company. I am sociable, but I wouldn’t wait in for visitors that don’t arrive on this basis. Or maybe I should have invited some random young people to visit! But the same page does say my love interest today is Aries and that of course is true. He is my love interest everyday.

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What do you see?

We love to observe the people around us and wonder about their lives. We often question whether those people even see us. The focus often seems to be each other or their phone. Indeed I wonder whether some people are aware of their surroundings at all. I like to watch people, I like that Master likes to watch me and I’m increasingly happy for people to see me at my most vulnerable.

Watch and see

There is nothing better than sitting outside a cafe, pub or restaurant and watching people walk past, sit down with friends or lovers. We often notice that one person monopolises the conversation, or we see friends that don’t interact unless they have something from their phone to see. We look at body language, are they lovers, is this the end of a relationship or are they on a first date. It is fascinating. But you know, I don’t think it is something everyone does. Indeed my own son told me off for discussing other diners with Master. “It isn’t kind” he said. Funny thing is I don’t believe we were being unkind, just seeing and observing.

Being observed

Sometimes, when I am dressing in the morning I will see Master looking at me. I’ll ask him what he is doing and he will say that he is looking at me. That he loves to look at me. That he enjoys my body. There was a time when I would have been embarrassed by this. Why does he want to look at me – an overweight, middle aged woman. But I am his lover, his slave and he loves me and my body. They body that he owns and possesses.

I think he sees a different me to the one I do when I look in the mirror. It is only when I look at photos like the one I posted for Sinful Sunday this week, that I realise. That I am able to see a little of what others do. That I am proud and happy. He is responsible, in no small part to the confidence I feel. And that is a great

Letting people see me

All of me. I wrote recently about our return to CMnf. I know people do look at each other there. Because people spoke to me about my body. I know that they like to watch the public play and that from that they may learn from each other. Or else it gives them the confidence to play in public too.

The first time I was very nervous. But now, I find I can shut out the people and things around me and settle into the moment. I am not worried I am being watched, in fact I really love it.

Kink clubs usually (for very good reasons), have a no phone rule. People are there to see and be seen. To meet up and chat. To play and to perform. That people are naked or dressed in fetish gear is part of the fun of those events. Their clothes, nakedness and demeanour is saying – look at me. Of course, we love to people watch there too. To wonder about them and their lives. Occasionally too we get to know others and find out the reality. And that’s what happened to us last time.

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A secret life

I guess I have always kept some part of myself hidden and so have had secrets. Of course once I started this journey as a submissive with men who were not my husband so the secrets became bigger. But even though my life with Master is there for all to see, there are still secrets.

The Food 4 Thought prompt this week is about secrets and the Wicked Wednesday one is about doing things out of character. I’m going to combine the two as I think that if some people knew the reality of aspects of my life they would think it out of character.

How we met

Master and I met on Alt.com. Back then it was easier to chat, though you tended to get hit on, a lot. I found a great chat room though and spent time there getting to know a few regulars. We played out scenes online which was thrilling and new to me. But we also chatted, in open and also privately. I’m pretty sure that my friends and family would consider this out of character. So when I am asked where we met, I say: online But if asked which site I try to be vague. I keep this secret, because I don’t think people would understand. Of course it is none of their business. We met, we started a relationship and now we live together.

Our lifestyle choices

It’s unlikely, though not impossible that we could bump into people we know at a munch or event. No one in my family, ex work colleagues or friends know that we pursue an alternative lifestyle. I would imagine that if I told my son or brother, say, that I am a slave they would laugh. After all I am known for my forthright views, for being vocal and being a bit of a control freak. We know that this doesn’t preclude me from giving up control to another. But frankly I am happy not to go there with them. I would also prefer them not to know I like to be spanked, that I sometimes dress up in leather clothes. Nor that I like to be restrained and that our sex is kinkier than most. These are secrets I keep from those I know.

My blog

It may come as no surprise to people that I have a blog. But I’m pretty sure no one would expect it to be about my lifestyle and contain photos of us naked. There was a time when I was frightened of my blog being discovered for fear of being outed. Especially in terms of my job. I remain careful about completely revealing my identity because I don’t want my family finding out.

At the beginning the blog was also a secret from my husband. I found it a useful place to write about our relationship so didn’t want him reading it. One day he discovered it, but is so inept at internet stuff that he wasn’t able to find it again. This I am happy about.

Is my lifestyle and blog really out of character

At one time it definitely was, but not any more. After all I have been living some kind of submissive life for over 7 years. I have been Master’s slave for over 5. But these are secrets that I keep from others because I don’t want them to become public knowledge. I don’t believe people would understand and since they affect us and not them I prefer to keep quiet.

The lies I tell are, generally small ones. Evasiveness about the events we go to and what we do there. But it would be great to be more open to say we went to a Munch rather than the pub with friends. That we attended Eroticon and met lots of like minded kinky folk who happen to write blogs and books. But sometimes the secret is better kept.

F4Thought
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Relationships

I’ve been thinking about the different relationships I have had in my life. That I don’t make friends easily and that those relationships often haven’t endured on more than a superficial level. I had few boyfriends before my husband, but then we started going out when I was 15. This means that I have had a sexual relationship with few men and no woman. But relationships with others are important to me and while living alone was ok, I prefer living as I do now.

Childhood friends

I struggled to make friends as a child. I am not sure why. I tried to have a birthday party once, but as my birthday is in August, no one could come. Or maybe they didn’t want to. My life at primary school wasn’t especially happy and the one friend I had moved away. However I did have friends in my street, mostly younger and I don’t remember holidays being particularly troublesome.

At secondary school things improved. I got together with another girl in my year and we were good friends for many years. I still have a number of other friends from school that I am still in contact with. I wouldn’t say I am close to any of them, but I do consider them friends.

When I was 18 I had a party and loads of friends came. Weird to think that was the first birthday party (other than family) that I ever had. Around that time there was a whole group of us that spent lots of time together, going to pubs, for meals and to parties. This lasted until we all started to marry and have children. But as I said I am still in touch with a few.

Boyfriends

My first real boyfriend was the man who became my husband. But before that I briefly saw two boys in my street. The first was my next door neighbour. We only ever went on one date together to the cinema. But we spent a lot of time talking and snogging in the alley behind our houses. He was the first person I let touch me and he had the first penis I ever touched. Then I briefly went out with a boy from over the road who took me bowling on his motorbike.

My mum forbade me from going on that bike, which was why I went. His mates and girlfriends were also there and we had a fun evening. He then asked me over to his house while his parents were away. But again his friends were there and we passed a boring evening as the conversation centred around biking. I didn’t rate his kissing abilities either so ended things.

Then another neighbour asked me out. He was a bit older (19 to my almost 16) and this time it felt right. We went out on our own, to a local youth club and met up with his friends as well as mine. This because a proper relationship and led eventually to marriage. He and I didn’t have PIV sex until I was 18, though we did plenty other stuff.

Family

My parents were both only children, but my nan was one of 9. My brothers and I had loads of cousins that we spent time with as we grew up. These relationships have endured more than some of my friendships and I consider some of those cousins to be friends.

The bond between me and my brothers strengthened once we all married and had children. We holidayed with both families, though not all together. We socialised together a lot and often my parents and my nan were present. For around 10 years our social life centred around those relationships until my brothers marriages broke up one after the other. I remain friendly with both sisters in law, but I don’t see them often.

Since my dad died and my mum moved to be closer to the elder of my two brothers, he and I have become close again. They are probably the only people Master and I regularly socialise with other then my son and his wife.

Work

I’ve been friends with many work colleagues over the years, but those relationships have rarely endured us going our separate ways. My work friendships have been much like my school ones. Though social media helps keep some contact with people.

Online relatonships

Around the time we got our first computer at home, I had started to get bored with my life. I’ve written quite a bit about my relationship with my husband, you can read about it here. Soon I learned about internet chat rooms and began to chat with both men and women. It was quite a time though before I met anyone I chatted to, but whenI did there was some romance and then non PIV sex involved. I don’t feel particularly proud about cheating on my husband in this way. But at the time |I was looking for excitement and also to find out if I had missed out on anything. It turned out I had.

In April 2012 I met S online (read more here) and that was a catalyst for massive changes in my life. Those changes led directly to me meeting Master and ending up where we are now.

Looking back

I’m really a very self contained person who is happy in her own company. But I do need the opportunity to be with other people. I am a little sad that many of my friendships haven’t endured. But perhaps I haven’t been brilliant at putting in the effort. Though of course this is a two way process.

My romantic and sexual relationships have been few. But the important ones endured and I’ll be perfectly happy if I don’t need another one. This relationship is hopefully for life.

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New experiences

It isn’t often these days that we do something new, when it comes to our dynamic. We’re often talking about going to a new club or trying a new munch, but we are creatures of habit. Though we don’t even go to the same munch every month since we also enjoy social events outside of our kink life. But last week we really did something new. We went to visit some kinksters we met last month at CMnf.

Following that meeting I went off to Cyprus with my mum. While I was away, Master got chatting with the two female subs and male Dom. I didn’t join in at the time, but Master relayed the conversations to me and before I knew it a play date had been arranged.

The two girls have a self built play room at the end of their garden and invited us along. I was both excited and apprehensive about the experience. Up to now I have only been to one club, otherwise we have always played in private. Public play feels a safe way to show my exhibitionist side. But the opportunity to experience something new wasn’t something I could turn down.

Last Tuesday we set off mid rush hour for the journey to their place, which turned out to be in the middle of nowhere. They have a huge garden and its easy to see why they would want to build such a fun place there. From the outside it looks like a big shed, or small garage. But inside it is kitted out with lots of fabulous equipment. Master took along his ‘tool kit’ including the floggers that had started our conversation at CMnf.

The play party

Within minutes of arriving all three of us subs were stripped and tied to or bent over some restraining equipment (cross, bench, stocks). Thankfully I was offered the bench which is my preference. Blindfolded I soon settled into my own rhythm and both Doms took it in turns to use their impact toys on us. Space was limited, so we were closer together than usual. But that added to the fun and games. Because we could hear the impact and also what was being said.

Protocol in our relationship has slipped over time. I don’t always thank Master for hitting me, and I can be a little bratty. But I did remember to call him Master and be as respectful as possible to both Doms. I admit that the other two girls were better behaved and it did make me think about my own behaviour.

Thoughts on group play

I enjoy impact play, but it certainly doesn’t drive me or our dynamic. We don’t do it regularly and these days practically never at home. It’s strange really because we have a playroom, but don’t think to use it much.

The new experience of being in private, but with others was, as I had hoped, exciting. I admit I preferred this encounter to the idea of meeting up for a sexual event, such as happened when I was with S.

Both Master and the other Dom stroked and touched me, but that was as far as it went. I think that was where some of my anxiety before hand was bound. Instead I was able to get off on hearing the squeals and cries of the others. Plus the running commentary of the two Doms. We all feel pain differently and our relationships are different, and for me, an observer of people and human behaviour it was enlightening. But incase you think I was in anthropology mode, I wasn’t especially aware I was taking notice at the time.

Time to go home

After play our hosts provided some welcome food and drink and we all sat chatting and getting to know each other better. Intrerestingly us subs were naked and the men clothed, but since we met that way it didn’t feel odd. The great thing is we were able to discuss topics that you wouldn’t usually talk about with people you hardly know. But maybe that is part of what we kinky people do. Or maybe it was because we were naked. Or because we had been part of such a fun experience.

Sadly, it was soon time to leave, our journey home was just over an hour and all too soon we were tucked in bed reminiscing the evening. We have been in touch since and hope to meet up at the club again in December. I hope too that we get to visit our new friends in the not too distant future.

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Me and my camera

I got my first camera for Christmas when I was about 11. I loved going around taking everyone’s picture. It was just a shame that when I got my first film back from the printers the photos weren’t as good as I’d remembered.

Cameras with film

That was the whole problem, but also the exciting thing about cameras with film. You had to take 12, 24 or 36 photos before you knew how they turned out. So often you took 2 or 3 at a time to ‘make sure’. The film also had to be sent away, either by post or from a chemist shop. This made the thrill of getting that envelope of pictures all the more exciting (or disappointing).

During most of my teenage and early adult life I used my camera for photos of people. Generally family and friends – Christmas, birthdays, holidays. Months would go by between and so when they were developed the results could span the year. Once my son arrived however, I didn’t hold back.

I photographed his every move, smile, milestone. In that pre-social media world sharing baby photos had to be done physically. My nan used to steal so many of my photos of her great grand children that I resorted to getting two sets of prints developed.

Going digital

I bought my first digital camera while on holiday in the Canary Islands as they were cheaper there. Oh the joy of being able to see the results on a little screen. By then I wasn’t only taking photos of my family, but also views of the places we visited. Plus animals, insects and flowers.

The great thing about the digital camera was that you could remove the memory card, pop into Boots (or another high street outlet) and get the photos developed. To begin with I think it still took a few days, but eventually you could have them in an hour! What an absolute treat.

Too many prints

When I moved last year I landed up with all of our family photos from the past 30 years. My ex didn’t want any of them, mind you he subsequently ended up owning all of his parent’s photos. Though I believe he has thrown away many of them. I am more sentimental than that and can’t bear to do the same. But I know I need to go through the boxes sometime soon and sort and cull some.

Other than photos from my son’s wedding I haven’t had anything printed up for years. I have a photo on the fireplace and I gave my mum another two. The others I chose and paid for are stored in my computer files. My son and daughter in law presented me with a book of their photos for my birthday and so I have that too. Printing photos isn’t something people do very often any more.

A change of scenery
Me on the stairs in Seville showing my tits. I have pulley's my top up and bra down.
A typical exhibitionist photo from our collection!

Before I met Master there were a few photos of me naked or semi naked. Most taken by me with my camera or latterly phone. Now there are many. He loves to photograph me while we play. But also he likes me to pose for him naked, semi clothed or dressed in something fetishy. I have also taken to photographing him and he seems to like it too. He is something of an exhibitionist.

I think that having those photos taken has helped me accept my own body as beautiful as well as to change my view of the human body. I much prefer people with interesting bodies, like mine. By that I mean not models but those who are ordinary people willing to show that our non perfect bodies are not only normal but beautiful.

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be showing photos of me naked on a blog online I would have laughed in your face. But of course that is what I do most weeks thanks to memes like Sinful Sunday and February Photofest. What’s more, I love it.

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Finding my kink

Me wearing a fluffy tail

When I started exploring my kinky side I thought I didn’t know I was even interested in kink. But thinking back, the signs were there, even as far back as my early 20’s. At that time (I think I mentioned before), I wrote stories in longhand that often included threesomes and other kinky stuff. But somewhere amidst the monotony of a vanilla marriage and motherhood I forgot. So it wasn’t until the age of digital books and the internet that my kink side began to find the light of day again. By then I had the time to investigate and a husband who tended to fall asleep of an evening!

What is kink anyway?

According to Wikipedia kinkiness is defined as “the use of non conventional sexual practice“. the kink part being about a bend (or kink) rather than straight (or vanilla). The thing is of course, who decides what is straight and what is kinky? Who decides that kink is bad and straight is good? There are laws of indecency of course and attempts to make stuff that happens in private the business of others.

Earlier this year we expected the age verification legislation to come into effect here in the UK. I am all for preventing children accessing porn, but there was a feeling this was aimed at the kink community. Including those that photographed it and wrote about it. So far this hasn’t come into place, and anyway actually having sex, kinky or vanilla has nothing to do with porn. Though to be fair the internet is where many of us have found out about kink.

My early experiences of kink

I’d had very little actual sex let alone indulged in kink as I approached 50. My husband was interested, but mainly in watching others (on a screen). I often pretended to be shocked by some of the TV and videos he watched. But I was actually very interested indeed. I just couldn’t see me doing those things with him. Sadly I didn’t heed the warning signs that we obviously weren’t compatible. That came much later.

Exploring sex and kink at 50

As I mentioned above, I began reading sex and erotica when I got my first kindle. But in April 2012 I began chatting with a man online who was into Dominance and submission. This led me to read not only books but blogs and to join website forums. Very quickly I learned about BDSM and found myself intrigued. But also I found I wanted to try what I was reading about. The idea of me as a submissive woman excited me, as did the thought of restraint and kinky sex.

My initiation was rapid and not without risks. But from the first meeting with S I knew it was for me. I realised that I’d kept myself in check for many years.

Not long before meeting S, I had explored my own body and the ways I could make it aroused. I had found out as much as I could about masturbation and bought toys for myself. I discovered my orgasms were much more powerful with a clitoral vibrator. But while enjoyable it wasn’t entirely satisfying.

Before long though I was definitely having kinky sex, not to mention getting involved in other aspects of BDSM. While not everything that happened with S was good, he helped me realise what I wanted from life. This made meeting and becoming Master’s submissive then slave all the easier.

Our kinky life now

There is very little about our sex life that could be described as straight or vanilla. Save that we often have sex in the missionary position. But there are always overtones of M/s. We don’t play as often as we did at the beginning, but we have a room full of equipment and we do use it. We go to Munches and clubs and we have stayed in dungeons. Then there is the fact that we take photos of each other in a state of undress or practicing our art (see photo above). We live full time as a Master / slave couple and that in itself is far from straight.

For me this is the life I craved, yet didn’t know it. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want sex with my husband. But it turns out that we just weren’t right together. Now I have found the right man I am proud to say that I am kinky and proud of it.

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Being pierced

My left breast with a small bite to the left of the nipple. I have a piercing with a semi circular ring in situ. the colour contrast between the area of my chest that has seen the sun and that which has been in my bra are marked. The sun is also shining on the paler area.

We had been together just a matter of weeks when I became a pierced woman. I’d had my ears pierced as a teenager, but body piercings weren’t something I had considered until I was in my 50s.

S had first broached the idea and I have to say I was tempted. But since he wasn’t as committed to our relationship as me, I’m glad that didn’t happen. But when Master suggested nipple and clit piercings to me, I jumped at the chance. To this day, I don’t even know why I was so keen.

Sign of my submission

Or maybe being pierced was something that felt part of my submission. An intimate way of showing him I wanted to be his submissive. It felt right and since he came with me when I had them done, I knew he was serious. I wrote about the experience here, at the time.

Since that time we have discussed the links between my piercings and role as his submissive and slave. Certainly they have been a focus of his attention over the years. That I was willing to do that for him and that he could enjoy them so much.

An aid to pleasure

I always loved having my nipples played with. Also, I loved (and hate) having clamps applied. To begin with, the slight pain following piercing was a turn on in itself. Later once they began to heal I enjoyed trying new jewellery and he loved putting chains between them.

The clit piercing was and still is quite the arousal tool. He loves rubbing his finger, tongue or cock over it. I also like to rub around the bar when I get myself off. Also if I wear something tight I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much wriggling to be able to come through my clothes.

It is in a mighty fiddly place though. I can only see it with a mirror and we had the devils job undoing the balls on the bar. So much so that I left it in place till I had surgery last October (4 years). We replaced the metal with a plastic bar which is there now. I have plans to change it and Master has bought me a new jewelled bar. But we are lazy and maybe it won’t be done till after my next surgery.

My one nipple

The histology report on my mastectomy said that the right nipple was chronically inflamed. I have to admit that the piercing continued to weep and crust even after 4 years. The left was always better, especially once I’d had it re-pierced in Amsterdam.

Now of course I have one breast, one nipple and one piercing. The pleasure I used to have when my breast and nipple were stroked and caressed is not so evident. I know this is psychological and hopefully it will subside. Maybe once I have two breasts again, I will take more pleasure in nipple play again. Mean time, I still wear my jewellery and like the way it looks.

Instead of dwelling on this, we are looking forward to new piercings once surgery is done.

Future piercings

We’ve talked for a long time about me getting my inner labia pierced. I’ve written about it and would love it I know. Along with the tattoos we have planned that is the next step. I will need my new breast tattooing with a nipple and I will be looking for someone experienced in that area. At the same time, I hope to get the piercings done too.

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Being apart

I arrived home last night, after a week away with my mum. There was so much I missed about being apart from Master. This felt worse because being away with mum made me recognise the changes I have made and why I would never go back.

For so many years I was forced to take the lead in decision making.

My husband struggled to make the most simple decisions. His libra birth sign (the scales) may be relavent, but whatever the reason it was most irritating.

We also led our lives within the constraints of family. My mother especially was dominant and my dad liked us to go along with her wishes. This caused conflict in our own relationship as well as mine with them. But more often than not we did as they wanted.

The last 10 years has seen a lot of change. My husband and I separated, my son and his cousins grew up and moved away, my dad got cancer and died. But more profound from my point of view, I discovered my submission and found myself a new partner who happens to be my Master. I still make decisions but not all decisions and I don’t feel I need to please anyone outside of our relationship.

My mum is a difficult woman to like. She has a sharp tongue, one embittered by perceived wrongs. None of her children do quite enough and decisions we made together are viewed with contempt. She says she is grateful for the things I do, but I know she talks about me to others.

In this context I left the safe environment of my home and took my mum away to Cyprus for a week.

The hotel, weather and food were all good. But always there is an undercurrent of displeasure. She complained about many things and when I made suggestions about how to make things better she would sit with a pained expression. Decisions were for me to make, but when I did they weren’t right either.

Then there was the fact we shared a room. I’ve come home sleep deprived because of the amount she moves around. Plus the sounds she makes in her sleep. I’ve tried to be calm and cheerful. But I have missed Master a lot. Not just because I’d rather sleep with him than my mum. Or because I like that I don’t have to decide on restaurants, or wine. His presence is calming but unfortunately it wouldn’t be if he had been with me. They don’t really get on. My mum never liked any of her children’s partners, though this is denied. So her not liking Master was no real surprise.

I also missed the fun things Master and I tend to do together, the places we go and things we see. That isn’t so much fun alone. My mum is happy to travel for 5 hours on a plane and do nothing when she gets there. On the positive side, I’ve caught up on sleep and rest on a sun bed, read an entire book and enjoyed the pool and sea.

But sadly every minute with my mum reminds me of my life before and to be frank I don’t want it back. She is elderly now, just turned 80. I am doing my best to make her life pleasant and help her do things she wants. But I won’t compromise my own happiness any more. I am glad to be back.

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Return to CMnf

I was anxious, almost as scared as the first time. Would people stare at my scar, my lack to a right breast? Would I be able to walk with confidence from the locker room, through the bar and into the play area?
The answer is yes. I did feel self conscious as I removed my clothes, particularly bra. But if others in the locker room noticed anything they didn’t show it. Joining Master at the seats in the open play area he smiled appreciatively. He helped me put on the body chain we had brought with us for the occasion and I sank gratefully onto the sofa and took a sip of prosecco. It was cool and refreshing; I let the bubbles evaporate on my tongue.

The printed agenda for the afternoon informed us that temporary tattoos were available, and since I don’t yet have anything permanent, I went off in search of one. I was pleasantly surprised to find that these were being applied by the team member who has also had a mastectomy.
Months ago, she wrote on Fetlife about attending her first post mastectomy CMnf. I had reached out to her, making contact even though I knew I wouldn’t be attending that one. We had exchanged words of encouragement, so it was good to have this opportunity to speak. She applied my chosen tattoo just above my scar as requested. As we chatted briefly about our shared experience, I knew coming today had been the right thing to do.

Playtime

We sat on our own for a while and watched as people arrived and the new ones were shown round. There were a few familiar faces, but sadly no one we actually knew. However we were soon joined by a threesome. Two ladies, obviously partners and their clothed Dom. We exchanged pleasantries and then decided to get our playtime in early. Very few people had begun to play yet, so most of the equipment was free, meaning we had maximum choice.
We haven’t played much recently, partly because we didn’t take any toys on holiday (the car was too packed with other stuff for one thing). But it was good to be bent over a bench again, wearing the blindfold Master so thoughtfully gave me. While he sorted out his implements of torture I relaxed into my role and let the sounds of music wash over me. Classical tracks that were easy to escape into, starting with some Bach (so I was told).

Gentle, leather strokes on my back and bottom were followed by the familiar sting of the flogger. Next something altogether firmer and sharper, something bristly then down right painful. I protested and for my trouble was rewarded with clamps being applied to my labia! Apparently, complaining about this was being bratty, but anyway once they were in place they were less panful than another source of arousal.
More impact followed, some more painful than others. But even though I moaned and said no, the idea of asking for him to stop never crossed my mind. I settled into the pain and pleasure, allowed the music and even people’s voices to fill my subconscious. This was truly our best play session in a long time. I felt relaxed and at home. I wasn’t tired or stressed and for once I just let it happen.

Afterwards we returned to our sofa and I spent some time recovering, eating chocolate and drinking prosecco and water for hydration purposed. Our session, which our sofa neighbours had been watching with interest, broke the ice and led to much conversation. The afternoon then passed in a relaxed companionable way with our new found friends (there has been further contact through Fetlife and email), We will hopefully see them again in the future).

Another high point was when I was stopped on my way to the toilet by the club owner’s partner. She and her friend congratulated me on being there and being willing to show my body. She told me I looked great. I have to admit I felt it.
I know I wouldn’t take my top off on a beach right now. It wouldn’t feel right. But Taking my clothes off at CMnf felt good. It took courage, but that was rewarded many times over. The kink community can be truly wonderful, or so it felt last weekend.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked