Respect

Person with a notebook and grey book entitled love and respect on her lap.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Showing respect to others is important, but it has to be earned rather than assumed. During my childhood I remember the saying: respect your elders. But what if those elders don’t conduct themselves in a way that is kind or respectful to you as a child or other adults. As a nurse, my early adult years was spent in another environment of respect your elders and also people considered to be betters. That’s where I decided that respect must be earned rather than freely given.

Kindness and consideration to others

Showing kindness and thoughtfulness towards others is key to being respectful in my book. If someone is aggressive for no reason then it is going to be more difficult to show them kindness in return. However almost 40 years of nursing and working in the public sector has trained me to be courteous and calm even when I am screaming inside. There are of course times I let rip, but they tend to be in a private place. My mum tends to wind me up and there are certainly times I’ve treated her back with the disrespect she has shown me. But I do try to refrain from that, it get’s you no where.

Email and online respect

Way before we engaged with each other on social media platforms the age of email emerged into our lives. It soon became apparent that some people were quite prepared to write things in an email that they would never say on the phone, let alone to someone’s face. I decided early on not to join in with this pursuit but instead to try to be calm and measured. I soon gained a reputation at work as someone to help people structure their emails without causing offence. I’ve tried to carry this into my blogging and social media existence. I’d rather walk away, or at least allow myself to calm down before saying things. I try also to see the best in people.

Trouble is, that doesn’t stop me being hurt. I always imagine any supposed slight is aimed at me. Yesterday I was unfollowed for disagreeing with someone on Twitter. I find this sad, but we’re living in stressful times. So, I just quietly unfollowed them.

Online chat rooms are another place where disrespect is rife. Particularly when it comes to bending the truth and telling outright lies. When I was using those places I somehow managed to navigate my way around those individuals and found myself a great man. But maybe I was lucky, who knows?

Respect within my relationship

No relationship can survive without mutual respect and that includes a power exchange dynamic. We each bring different things to our relationship which make up the key elements of what make it work. Communication is probably the key. We entered the relationship knowing what we expected from each other and over time this has broadened out. In the bedroom and playroom he is clearly the boss and I tend to follow instructions, though can be bratty. He chooses to listen or ignore and that is how it is. In our wider life I still look to him for advice and decisions. But we are more partners in decision making.

Loss of respect

My ex did things throughout our marriage that caused me to lose respect for him. He lied and was often un trustworthy. Boy, he even lied about where he was at the end when he didn’t need to.

But while I’d never trust him in terms of a relationship again. Some respect has been restored because of the way he has coped with the loss of his mum and brother. Followed immediately by his dad’s stroke. I also have great respect for his new partner. I can see that she is better placed to support him. But then they don’t have the baggage in their relationship that we had.

This is also true for Master and I. At 6 years our relationship is relatively new (well in terms of a 30 year marriage). Our past mistakes are, well in the past. We speak openly of those and are able to do our best not to allow them to happen to us. Which takes us back to communication, truthfulness and respect.

Co-dependent

I never thought I’d want to be dependent on another person. When my marriage was ending I was adamant I wanted to be independent and to live alone if that was required. I like my own space and at the time I had a well paid job and was exploring what being single could mean. I was 16 when I started going out with my ex, so I’ve never been single. That’s still true in a way. But this relationship is different from that one.

Master first asked me to live with him at the end of a very boozy evening in Amsterdam. It was 2014 and he had just finished with his other slave. Our hotel had an honesty bar and we sat alone there drinking dutch gin, well I did. When he asked if I’d live with him, I laughed and said no. He had to agree it was a mad idea.

But actually it wasn’t such a stupid plan, it just took a while to happen. Our dependence on each other took a while and changes were subtle. Giving up control of orgasms and my body were nothing in comparison to depending on each other emotionally. And, this isn’t a one way road. He has emotional needs that I try to satisfy, to listen to his concerns.

I also bear the brunt of his rants about the ineffectiveness of the bank of England, industry in general, government, the EU. I’m also a sounding board for his knowledge on music, film and literature. If I wasn’t there he’d just be living in his head, so it’s a worthy thing. Plus I learn stuff without having to do the hard work. I also cook and am better at it than him, though he has an amazing palate and advises on flavour He makes a mean salad dressing and is king of what herb or spice goes with what.

Since giving up work and moving in with Master the dependency ratio has swung a little. This is his property, though our home. I have an income from my work pension, but it isn’t enough to support myself completely. He is managing my savings and making a good job of it. Right now, I could walk away with a reasonable sum of money, but I’d probably need to go back to work soon after. I have no plans to do so, but I do recognise my dependence on him financially. Or maybe it is that we are co-dependent because we live cheaper as two than we did living separately.

For him, my being dependent on him feeds into his desire for power and control. I have no problem with this and have willingly given him elements of me and my body to own. There is no abuse here so I am perfectly prepared to let him have the control he so desires.

It’s easy to see how power exchange could result in an unhealthy co-dependency. That’s why consent is so important – safe, sane consensual. Plus the importance of communication, checking in with each other.

As I said at the beginning, I never expected this life. But I am happy to have it. To be with the man I love. Yes, I’m dependent on him, but he is on me. This Master / slave thing is no one way street. We co-exist and are co-dependent. Hopefully we can grow old together this way.

Objectification in our relationship

Me wearing a dog mask.

I’ll start by saying that I’d decided not to write for this prompt on Tell Me About, because I have nothing to say. But a conversation with Master reminded me that actually it is part of my life. Somewhere over the past few weeks I’ve forgotten, partly because objectification is just an every day part of our lives.

When I wrote this post it was all new. I’d recently learned that being called a slut or bitch turned me on. Being ‘this girl’ made me smile because it confirmed my role as his slave. Somewhere in the mists of time I’d forgotten that he objectifies me by calling me those things. Of course I haven’t forgotten that I love it, but it’s just we’ve settled into our lives and roles over time.

When I refer to myself as his bitch, it turns him on. That is just a small part of our power exchange. But also it’s key to our Sex Life. Power equals sexual arousal for him and the knowledge of my submission to him still makes me wet.

We use objectification during play, especially when we have space. A few times we’ve stayed overnight in a dungeon and used the facilities to bring that side of us out. Master bought me a dog mask and tail and I have enjoyed wearing them for his pleasure. Dungeons often contain cages and he loves to watch me as I lie there feeling degraded and horny.

That’s the whole thing about degradation and objectification. It feels wrong and right at the same time. We shouldn’t get off on wearing a dog mask or wearing a leather collar and lead. But we do. To begin with that was puzzling to my previously vanilla brain. But over time I’ve embraced my kinks and delighted in the reaction they have on him. The fact that he fancies the pants (if I’m wearing any) off me is a thrill in itself. That his kinks involve objectifying me is especially exciting.

Recently we attended a new club. There was a woman wearing an entire dog costume and being led on a lead. I don’t think I’d want to do that, but I found it fascinating. Then there was the guy wearing a pony saddle and giving people rides on his back. Those places can be a thrilling insight into other people’s kinks. And even if it isn’t your thing it is mighty interesting to watch and see. But also it shows you what you could try out if you so desired. This world of kink is rarely dull!

Pain, marks and a new club

I am kneeling on the bed my ankles in a spreader bar. There is a clamp attached to my labia. My wrists are cuffed.

The Tell Me About prompt this week is pain and for obvious reasons that fits well with the Kink of the week on which is marks. I always live in hope that when we go out to a play event that I’ll come back with some marks. Sadly, that really never happens. It’s a shame, because yesterday we went to an event at a new (to us) club. I was able to appreciate some pain, but have no marks to show. So, here is my take on all three.

Pain

I’m not a fan of pain in the general run of real life. I hurt my knee before Christmas (fell over while dancing!) and it is still giving me pain. In that fall I sustained a bruise on my arm which is only just fading. But impact play is different, just without the bruises. This pain, has been distressing at times and has made sleep difficult, it is nothing like being beaten with a flogger.

Bent over the bed or a bench, my bottom bare, I’m ready to receive some pain. Master has a bag full of implements and is always buying something new. I prefer a softer implement that gets stingy when used than something hard and stiff. Certain materials are definitely more painful than others and especially if they are made to resemble a plastic barbed wire. He has something like that and damn well uses it.

I prefer impact to my bottom these days, but there have been times when Master has used his toys on my pussy and even breasts. Though more gently. I’m not planning to have any play on my breast what so ever now. My relationship with my remaining breast has changed, but I’m sure we’ll explore that more over time.

In the main then, I like pain inflicted with a toy designed for the purpose. I often moan and complain but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I’ve never used my safeword during impact play and that is probably because he is a good judge of when to stop.

Marks

As mentioned above, I really don’t mark. Well I do, but not on my bottom during impact play. Yesterday’s session was a good half an hour long, but today nothing. I can feel where his toys have hit me, it’s a bit sore. But there are no marks.

But if I walk into a door or table or trip then I have a massive bruise. It doesn’t seem fair. The places I have marked through play are my inner thighs and breasts. But as I mentioned above I am not keen any more to have my remaining breast treated in a way so as it might mark. So I’ll just put up with pain and no marks.

A new club – atmosphere matters when playing

It’s no coincidence I’m writing this post today. I was hoping (since I always hope) that I’d be able to share some photos of my marked bottom. Sadly that isn’t the case. But I do feel the need to write about the impact of an environment during a play session. Yesterday we finally managed to get to a club not too far away that run’s a monthly Sunday event. For reasons of our social life, we haven’t managed to attend before. So, were quite excited at the prospect when we realised we would be free yesterday.

The venue is located along a busy road, but hidden from passing traffic. This makes it excellent for access. Inside there seems to be plenty of space, a veritable rabbit warren of play areas, a hot tub, large bar area etc. There was vac play going on, something I’ve tried before.

The club was very busy, the carpark almost full. If lockers are allocated by number from 1 we were 93. This meant there was a lot going on. A great vibe of friends meeting and chatting. Certainly the bar area and other seating was very much like a munch. But one where people are wearing fetish gear or close to naked. I wore a leather bodice and spanking skirt. I’m pleased to say that the bodice did up tighter than last time – I’ve lost several inches from my upper body.

The main drawback was that there were few places available to play at any time. One room contained a couple of spanking benches, and also lounging, bed areas. We spied a vacant bench and got down to business. The trouble was it was noisy. People carried on speaking at the top of their voices, or so it seemed. A conversation about different floggers took place, and someone showed others his wares. There was discussion about leather vs plastic when you are vegetarian. Then in the middle of our play time, a couple began to have sex (very loudly) in the middle of the room.

I struggled to get into my zone, and I think I took quite a bit of pain without necessarily feeling it. In the end we stopped not because we wanted to, but because it was just too distracting.

We know we need to go back for another visit to see whether this club is for us. Perhaps it being so busy was a one off. Perhaps we were just unlucky with where and when we chose to play. We often play at the beginning of the event, but this time didn’t arrive till well over an hour in. But all in all, it was a bit unsatisfactory for us. Plus I came away without a mark!

Click below to see who else is participating in Kink of the Week and Tell Me about

Mindset

Our dynamic is about power, control and mind games. I say games, because to begin with it feels like it. Where someone is seeking to get you to conform to their way of thinking, to make you behave in certain ways and to develop a mindset. For me the mindset of a submissive, of a slave. Looking back this was always a conscious thing on both sides.

Before I met Master, there had been a few times when I had found myself in a submissive space, usually after an intense sex session. I also knew I responded well to instructions, In the right context. In that relationship, (2012 to the end of 2013), we used certain rituals to create the right mindset. Wearing certain clothes (and underwear) and shoes. Kneeling for him as soon as I arrived. So, while I wasn’t someone who usually liked to be told what to do, I found myself embracing his dominance.

A submissive mindset

With Master though it was different. From the very beginning his approach was psychological. Our physical attraction to each other came through our conversations about Dominance and submission. He says he felt my submission almost before he laid a finger on me. It was almost like he had a power over me. Our first date was in February, it was wet and cold and we strolled into a disused church. By the time he touched my bottom and pressed his erection against my cunt I’d have gladly taken my jeans down there and then. For me, sexual arousal and submissive mindset are clearly linked. I had brought that knowledge from the previous relationship and found it to be true here. A couple of weeks later I discovered how powerful BDSM play could be in sending me into subspace.

A name

Within days I was referring to myself in the third person while we were together and soon here on my blog too. To him I was and remain this girl, His pleasing bitch. The latter took a little longer to form but to this day, Master rarely refers to me as Julie, except to others.

I wouldn’t claim to remain in some submissive mindset all of the time. Once, I probably did most of the time we spent together. But now of course we live together and have regular stuff to do. But when we have sex, when we play or when the mood takes him a few words are uttered and I am back in that place. Back being this girl, slut, slave and his bitch. What’s more the names aren’t just used when in bed and so he has the power to pull me up short just by calling me this girl. And not only when we are alone, at home.

The right mindset

But having said that, there are times when it doesn’t work. When it takes effort on both our parts to create the right feeling. This was more of a thing when I was working, on Friday nights I needed a bit more persuasion (and alcohol) to get into the mood. Another challenge can be my mum who definitely gets me into a mood very easily.

I’ve mentioned recently about changes to my orgasms, that I don’t feel the need for so many and that they can’t always be forced. This can be challenging since multiple orgasms definitely put me into a submissive space. And if you can’t force one out there won’t be lots. But true to form Master is finding ways around my resistant body, which can’t help but respond to strong vibrations.

A successful Dominant / submissive relationship requires brining together physical actions with the right mindset and making those two things happen at the same time can take a bit of effort. However it does make for an interesting life and is rarely dull.

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2019 In Review

Over the past few years, at the end of December, I’ve looked back over my blog and created a review. The year has, on the whole been a good one, we’ve travelled to new places and done some fabulous things. This is my 235th post this year, up considerably on last year. I’ve discovered that writing about something is better than writing nothing. So it was only when I was away for the whole of July that I didn’t write at least twice a week. I’ll write more about stats when I post about my plans for 2020. But now, this is my year – 2019 in review.

January

The year didn’t start especially well for me, a hangover as it were from 2018. The unfinished business was radiotherapy for my breast cancer. The treatment itself wasn’t bad, but the cumulative effects – physical and emotional were. This post sums up the month. I haven’t written for the Sex Bloggers for Mental Health meme often and this is something I plan to rectify in 2020.

On 10th January I wrote this Friday Flash post and although I haven’t written much fiction in 2019 I managed two in January. My goal in 2020 will be at least one piece of fiction per month.

Being mainly confined to home, I wrote 27 posts in January, which set me up pretty well for February photofest.

February

My 7th highest post / category of all time is my February Photofest one for 2019. I posted 36 times, so it obviously wasn’t all about the images. I began to show bits of my body, and especially noticeable are the radiotherapy burns visible on any photo showing my chest.

Tell me about, which is co-run by Missy and Sweetgirl, have led to some reflective and thought provoking posts in 2019. This one, about showing my own vulnerability, is no exception.

Love Lock, is a fiction piece about genital piercings used to provide female chastity. I’ve now linked it to my most popular post ever – Chastity, does a girl need to be locked in? Something I did following a talk by Girl on the Net at Eroticon (more of that event below).

March

There were 19 posts in March, and two of my favourites are photos posted for Sinful Sunday. This one, Double Exposure was for the prompt week at the beginning of the month and Birthday Breakfast at the very end on Master’s birthday. Both were taken in hotel bedrooms and I am thankful that we have the opportunity to travel both here and abroad and to stay in some fabulous places. In these relaxed environments I have begun to feel able to share photos of my body again.

The other notable event was Eroticon, which I wrote about here. As the conference rolls around again soon, I am really excited to catch up with old friends and to meet new people.

April

Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z, this time using my blog history to examine how my journey has progressed. I found it a useful reflective tool which showed me how I have changed (or not) along the way. I posted 29 times, often combing other memes with the Blogging A-Z one. While I said afterwards that I wouldn’t participate again, I have an idea so I just might!

Favourite posts from this month were this one, of Master in the Swing of Relaxation and this one entitled Kinky. Both include images taken at STOXX which is sadly no longer available to rent.

May

Of the 22 blog posts for May, several are especially memorable. On 1st I wrote my Confessions of an unruly slave for The Erotic Journal Challenge. Brigit’s prompts are thought provoking and now they are monthly I’m better able to join in with them all. I think that particular post sums me up. I want to be the perfect slave, but often fall short.

Unmentionable has turned out to be particularly popular in terms of traffic. This is in no small way due to being placed in the top 3 posts for Elust #119. I would highly recommend submitting to Elust to help broaden your readership.

At the end of May we toured around Holland and Belgium for a week, during which time we were lucky enough to meet up with Marie Rebel and Master T. We enjoyed a lovely afternoon / evening together which I write about here. I’m looking forward to seeing both at Eroticon in March.

The following day we travelled to Amsterdam where we stayed in the Kinky Suite. My review is here.

June

Once again I joined Every Damn Day in June on Hy’s blog, and while I didn’t manage to post every day I did manage 29 posts. I participated in my first Lingerie is for everyone meme with this post. There’s new lingerie for 2020, so, I will be participating again soon.

I discovered a friend had passed away in April, but didn’t know until mid June. I wrote about him here.

July

We left for France at the beginning of July. Somehow I had run out of steam and was a bit out of love with writing and posting. So, there wee only 4 posts, one of which was Elust. Lazy days and hot nights sums up the month.

August

We were away for the majority of August too. But despite being on a boat with no Wifi for a week I still managed to write 12 blog posts. My favourite photo, posted for Sinful Sunday was this one – Topless. At last I was getting my mojo back!

On 29th I wrote about some issues I’ve been having with elusive orgasms. I’m pleased to say that the strategies we have been taking since seem to be helping.

September

This month we returned to CMnf after a break of a year and my mastectomy. I wrote here, about the wonderful reception I received. Sun kissed skin was a favourite photo, posted for Wicked Wednesday. How I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. Something to think about in the middle of winter!

The Smutathon took place at the end of September and while I wasn’t a participant, I wrote this post about abortion to link in with something that I consider a very important cause.

October

My Kissing Vignettes post for Food For Thought was in hindsight a way of edging myself back towards writing fiction. The post is based on some happy memories, but with a little artistic licence thrown in. The other of my 15 posts during October that I want to highlight is this one.

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year during awareness month. My Breast Care Nurse warned me at the time to steer clear of the internet and I can understand why. This year, May More contacted me to ask if I was happy for her to write something to raise awareness, which of course I was. She inspired me to write the post above.

November

My Sinful Sunday post for November didn’t conform to the set prompt. But having the image available to use, I just had to post it. Molly and many others retweeted my post and then it and then it was chosen as one of the top Sinful Sunday posts that week, despite not being related to the prompt. I still feel proud and positive about this image. It has gone on to be the 6th most viewed post of all time (not just this year). And was partly responsible for my best ever blog stats that month.

My post – Submissive Training is it necessary for Tell Me About has proved immensely popular, and is currently number 8 on the all time list. The other of my 19 posts for November to highlight is this one. Bedroom Talk is another post based on reality, but which lends itself to a kind of faction (when you kind of remember stuff but have to elaborate). I posted this on Masturbation Monday.

December

That Bedroom Talk post inspired me to actually write some fiction. I’m really proud of An Advent Diary and am thinking of making it into a rolling story through the year. Perhaps the next instalment will be around Valentines……

At the beginning of December I was happy and proud to find that I was once again recognised in the Top 100 Sex Blogger List. This year I am at 32. My aim is for a top 10 spot, which will need some work both in terms of content and blog structure. I’m up for a challenge,

F4Thought

Control

Sometimes not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world

This week’s Tell me about prompt is Control. This is a topic I’ve written about a lot and the fact that Master has control over me is fundamental to us and our relationship. Looking back to the beginning of our relationship, that has always been the case. It is what attracted us to each other and what sustains us. This post was written a little more than a month after we started setting each other.

Control in daily life

In the post I talk about the first day we went out together without me knowing our destination. He told me to trust him and just go with the flow. At the time I was almost control freakish about my life. Planning was a priority, so there would be no unexpected events. Getting on a train and then bus with no idea of a final destination? Who does that? Later we moved on to him choosing food and wine for us both. Then in June of that year he booked a short break for us and for the first time win my adult life I didn’t know where we were going. Actually I had to pick one of three destinations he had written down but, then Master booked flights and hotels. This is the way he tends to organise our trips away even now.

Because we are together all of the time there are fewer surprises than during those early days. Plus, I tend to choose my own meals when we are out these days, plus collaborate on tapas style food. But I don’t tend to know what wine is arriving. When we are out on public transport Master holds the tickets, though in London I use my own card for contactless payments. He books theatre and exhibitions and the first I know is a diary invite. Though that doesn’t mean I can’t request something we might do. For example we recently saw the new Mary Poppins musical which I read about first.

These are small subtle ways in which control is maintained in everyday life. In bed though it is more overt.

Control in the bedroom and playroom

I am Master’s slave, his sex toy and play thing. I am always submissive in those situations and he is always my dominant. No one seeing us would mistake that fact. If I fight my submission in other parts of my life, this is one that I really don’t. I have gladly given up control of my orgasms and indeed my limits to Him, my Master. His control there is absolute. However that doesn’t mean I’m not a bit of a brat at times, trying to top from the bottom. But in the end, he has the control and that’s the way we both like it.

I’ve never been very good at leading during sex (though I have no problems in other areas of life). So, being able to handover decisions about how a sex or play session will go appeals. Luckily he usually has a clear idea of what he wants and expects from me and I am usually a willing participant.

The lives of others

I have no desire to be involved in controlling the lives of other people. I’m done with doing a job where I had to manage petiole and make decisions affecting them. I’m happy to no longer be married to a man who needed me to tell him what to do and where to be all the time. My son is grown up and married and while I might guide and advise, I don’t seek to control. My mum needs a certain level of support, but isn’t one to listen much to the advice of others, even when she should.

So, right now the level of control in my life is just where I want it. I hope it continues.

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Fantasies

Me from the back, wearing leather harness and spanking skirt.
An early picture of me in harness and spanking skirt.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what might be. Then I started on this journey of Dominance and submission, BDSM and self discovery. This whole blog is really about fulfilling fantasies. Some have exceeded my wildest dreams and some have been less thrilling. What’s left to do? Well nothing I dream of but maybe there are things to do anyway.

Sex that is like in books

By the time I was 49 I had had one sexual partner. Dull, but true, and in 2012 I decided to take the plunge and seek more from my life. I’d read about great sex in erotic and other fiction as well as magazines , but didn’t know if it was true. Turns out my sex life was definitely lacking, though not everything you read is true either. Men don’t come 5 times a night, well not when they are in their 50’s anyway. They have way more stamina and the men I discovered knew their way around a woman’s body. Of course, I was lucky with the ones I found.

Within months of my first encounter with S I’d had sex outside and then later a foursome. These were both things I’d thought about and imagined.

Later it turned out that good sex wasn’t everything. So having come from someone who loved me but was dull in bed, I now discovered that I needed both. Plus I dreamed of a proper D/s relationship.

A power exchange relationship

I’ve read a lot of books about BDSM and power exchange relationships in particular. I love the fantasy element and am happy to suspend reality in many cases. It is a shame that so many feature billionaire men who discover a young woman they have to tame and train, before falling deeply in love. But now and then there are books that are more realistic. I wanted to experience life with a dominant man, become his sex object, but had no desire to spend my life kneeling naked at his feet. In any case I had a job to hold down and a son still living at home.

Master is quite low key in his power exchange expectations. So low key that you hardly notice what is happening. The extent to which dependency occurs and you find yourself deferring to him. Of course, the process has been a long one. 5 years in February. But from the beginning there were signs – the reference to myself in the third person, his control of my orgasms and ownership of my body.

I often wonder if I am truly a slave, after all I am pretty unruly, though never truly disobedient. I am bad at calling him Master, except in the bedroom. But when I look back at the person I was at the beginning, he has helped me modify my behaviour. I am less likely to jump in to a situation and take over. I let him take the lead most of the time and now relish that fact. He usually asks my opinion but he makes the final decision.

BDSM fantasies

I’ve had the opportunity to try many experiences over the past few years. Things that people put on their fantasy lists – bondage, forced orgasm, piss play, electrical play, the vac bed, to name a few. We’ve played in public, which is something I always wanted to do and will continue to. I’d like to attend more CMnf events and perhaps ones that require a higher protocol. It certainly wouldn’t do me any harm to be a proper slave for a few hours.

But really I am at the stage where I am just happy living an ordinary life with my partner. Yes, it is a bit different from other people but it’s generally tame. But tame in a fun way.

One final thing

It has never been my fantasy to have sex with another woman, I really am heterosexual. But actually I do wonder if I should be braver and just let it happen. I know Master would enjoy watching me with a woman and it might be fun. The opportunity is there and I am conflicted about whether to take it.

You see, some of the things I have done weren’t actually fantasies until just before I did them. Or else not until I read about them and then thought why not. Plus I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to miss out. So, we’ll see!

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Submissive training – is it necessary?

This prompt for Tell Me About has had me thinking for a few days. It is common to see information about ‘training your submissive’ in BDSM manuals and guides. Submissive training is also a big thing in fiction, for example the Brie series by Red Phoenix which is set in a training centre for submissive females. I can’t deny that I found the books extremely hot when I read them a few years ago. But is submissive training actually necessary for someone in a D/s or M/s relationship? And if so, what might it comprise of?

Submissive – born or made?

I don’t think you can train someone to actually be a submissive as such. It is something that comes from within, almost a need. However I do think there are elements of submission that take time to emerge. Reading about different types of relationship and considering what you as a submissive might want from them is useful. Understanding the elements of BDSM and what you, as a submissive want to find out more about, or try. Each dominant will have their own way of doing things and have ideas about how they wish the relationship to play out. Whether this takes the form of training, conditioning or something else is debatable.

Training vs education and learning

In a previous life I was education lead for a group of public sector organisations. I organised learning and development courses, bought places on university courses and was in charge of mandatory training. I hated the word training, though was forced to use it. That’s because without an element of educational learning behaviour can’t change. Maybe you can train a dog to fetch something, but we don’t generally do that with humans.

Learning new skills, understanding about consent and safety, finding someone in real life to help mentor as well as reading fiction and factual accounts of a dominant submissive lifestyle seems a good approach. I guess some dominants may train their submissives as they would a dog but I’m not sure that is a good approach. Even teaching positions, kneeling or preparation for anal sex should be about more than just practical training. Knowledge of your own body, elements of safety and learning from others is vital.

How did I learn to be the slave I am today?

Back at the beginning I found all I could about submission and BDSM in general through the internet. I joined forums and information sites and followed links to blogs. Then I read erotic novels and bought a couple of ‘how to’ books written by those with experience of the lifestyle. But it wasn’t until I got together with S that I began to understand what might be involved in a D/s relationship. Unfortunately that was when I realised I had a romantic view of being a submissive. However on the plus side I also discovered that I enjoyed pain, humiliation and degradation. By the end of that relationship, I had a better knowledge of what I wanted.

When I first met Master I was under the impression that I knew everything there was to know about being a submissive. But Master is a different kind of Dominant to S (as you’d expect). So I had to begin to learn how to be Master’s submissive. Bed room and play room stuff is easy in comparison to learning what they want from you as a person. It has been elements of my behaviour that have changed. This hasn’t happened through training but through reflection and communication. What’s more, we have learned together how to be each others Master and slave. And from that has come trust.

Reading and blogging as a learning tool

Writing about our experiences is a great way to reflect and learn. Especially through interaction with each other and some level of challenge. Master has always read this blog and continues to read current and past posts. Journaling is also useful, so long as there is an effort to think and review what has been written.

Many people find this blog through searching for submissive / slave relationships. So maybe I’m doing my bit in helping to educate a new generation of dominants and submissives. Or maybe it is just a way of getting off on some sexy writing. Who knows?

I for one love to read other D/s related blogs. All relationships are different and there is no one way of being a dominant or submissive. But it is great to learn and to reflect on those differences. Plus it gives us things to talk about when the Safeword D/s club meets online.

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Resetting our relationship dynamic

All relationships change over time. After the first flush of excitement of a new relationship we settle into a routine. But over time, physical and/ or emotional needs will alter and this can lead to problems. One aspect of a power exchange relationship that is usually different from vanilla, is communication. For us, listening and watching for signs that things aren’t right has been fundamental.

The start

It’s nearly 6 years since Master and I got together. Those initial months were spent getting to know each other and working out the rules of our relationship. By that I don’t just mean those set our within our dynamic. But also the unwritten, unsaid stuff that makes you a couple. We didn’t live together, but gradually we began to spend most weekends together. Then to go out in the week if something came up.

Master bought me items of fetish clothing or new toys and introduced them for play and sex, and gradually there were changes to our dynamic. Going out without panties or a bra. Wearing sexier clothing or dressing up for him, was all new at the time.

The first reset came when Master decided to end his relationship with his primary slave. Before that we had assumed that our relationship would only survive in that form until his slave joined him from America. When we knew that wouldn’t happen, we settled into forming a more lasting connection.

A collar and commitment

Master collared me once we were both sure that we wanted to commit to each other. Also that we were free to do so, our previous relationships firmly in the past. Wearing his collar affirmed my status, to us but also to others. Other signs, such as my piercings came earlier, but it was the collar that signified his ownership. My slavery.

We have always led a busy social life, travelled and of course I was working. Reminding ourselves of the need to reset, to remember that we were Master and slave was necessary. Rules tended to slip. The submission that I had felt so keenly at the beginning often felt out of reach. Taking the time to talk about what we wanted and needed was important. But also finding time and energy for play was equally important.

That’s how we came to attend local Munches regularly and eventually get to a kink club for play. They provide a timely reminder of that aspect of our life.

Living together

We both assumed that when I moved in, we would at last get the opportunity to be the Master / slave that we had always imagined. To some extent that has been true. However we failed to factor in the changes that would occur due to my breast cancer.

In some ways being his slave allowed me to rely on Master in a way I might previously found intolerable. He wanted to care for me, but not smother me. Of course, that might be his personality. But equally the depth of communication between us helped at appointments and afterwards.

Looking back I see that the romantic idea of me being the sex and house slave of fiction was just that. Actually our relationship has rarely been about bondage, pain and nakedness, but instead control and ownership. It is he who makes the final decisions, and it is me who needs to be sure I am conducting myself in the way he prefers. I am now a kept woman and he has some financial control over me, though I do still have some money and spend it as I wish. But I don’t make large purchases without discussion. There are no secrets in this relationship, this is not a rule but it feels that having them would be wrong. A fundamental breach of what our relationship is about.

Our sex life is kinky, as it always was. Now though we have more time for sex. Our preference is in the morning, and we are in a fortunate position that we can indulge that. To outsiders we seem as we always have. We are a couple, partners. Adjustments from now will hopefully be small. But no doubt we will reset as we move on. I think that healthy relationships need that to continue.

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