I struggle, even after all this time to understand my body’s reaction to pain. After all pain is meant to be a stimulus that warns us that things are not right, that we should take flight. But the right kind of pain delivered in a certain way isn’t at all like that.
Until I met S, I had never participated in play where pain led to sexual arousal. But when he told me that flogging my backside with a leather implement made my cunt ooze I felt excited. And so began a wonderful journey to pain and arousal.
Pain isn’t a huge element in the relationship Master and enjoy. But it is an important one. Pain is something reserved for play. The intimacy we exerience when I am leant over a bench, legs spread is unique. For him, the time he spends feeling between my legs for my reaction is as important as the impact of the lashes inflicted upon my cheeks.
I glow red for minues or perhaps an hour. But the effect on my cunt can last for days. I am a pain slut, but you won’t see the evidence visually. Instead the signs are subtle. Pain brings out my submissive nature, it helps me feel and see who I am. It shows him the impact (in many ways) of his actions and reminds me of what I am.
The large windows in our hotel room provided a great photo opportunity. Perhaps this shows the softer side of Rotterdam? But also the fact the Master is increasingly willing to appear as a sinful Sunday subject and not just the photographer. Though in this image he is both.
This year, more than most I can remember has been a time of immense highs and unbelievable lows. It has also been one of great change. For so long I talked about making those changes and there were many times that I thought they would never happen. This blogging year has also been one of highs and lows, a year where my writing has developed and grown but also one when I almost lost my blog. There is so much to write about this year and so many people to thank and mention so here goes.
The year started in a bit of a whirlwind as I supervised the packing and moving for my mum. There was over 30 years worth of stuff in her large 3 bedroom house. The concept of downsizing was completely alien to her and consequently this was a stressful time for me and my brothers. She tended to sit watching it happen, then complain when we threw things out she later said she wanted. On moving day, she took more furniture than it was physically possible to put into her bungalow. So more pain followed.
In the midst of all of that, it was difficult to find time to blog or be particularly sexy. As is often the case the memes (Wicked Wednesday, Sinful Sunday, Kink of the week and SoSS kept me going). This year I have learned that writing about something is better than not writing at all. This month too, I joined the Smut Marathon (more of that later).
This post pretty much highlights that sex and kink was a bit lacking in our lives at the beginning of the year. Not entirely surprising given the whirlwind of January. At that time we were also planning for me to move in with him and had begun to get the house ready. Once again meme’s kept the blog going including TMI Tuesday, Food for Thought Friday and Art Twist. Indie and I have discussed bringing the latter back to life and maybe we will do that in 2019. I only recently realised that Kilted Wookie runs F4TF and it took a while to realise also that we had all week to write a post based on the prompt. Sometimes I am pretty slow on the uptake!
At the end of the month, while away for a weekend I managed to delete my blog! I still shudder when I think about how it happened and the work required to put it back together. Thankfully Dom Signs was there to help, I am so grateful to him. The full horror story is here.
This photo was taken hours before my blog went down and so didn’t appear until 3 March. It brings back the better memories of that weekend. In this post I write some more about the blog, but also for the first time about participating in the smut marathon as well as sex and coffee (all important things).
Our sex and kink life was at last on the up. In this Masturbation Monday post I describe some impulsive kinky sex and later in the month our first public play event. I haven’t contributed to Masturbation Monday as much as I would have liked to this year. Mainly because my sex blogging libido has been a little off kilter. But I did have the pleasure of meeting Kayla Lords and her husband John Brownstone at Eroticon. I followed John’s blog first and clearly remember the run up to Kayla moving to be with him which was so exciting. Together they have become quite a force to be reckoned with in the blogging (and podcasting) community.
Eroticon was a wonderful weekend of fun and laughter, plus some amazing sessions at the conference. Apart from Kayla and John we met so many other bloggers and writers that were previously words and pictures on a screen. Marie and Master T, May More, Posy, Eye, Cousin Pons to name but a few. I wrote about it here.
Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z challenge. Although there are 31 posts for April, which is getting on for a record I still had to combine some of the A-Z daily posts. Keeping with a mainly kink theme, the posts can be found here.
For the Wicked Wednesday post on Driving Lessons, I wrote about my rather unpleasant driving instructor. I guess this is my Me too incident; thankfully mild, though as you could tell it has stayed with me.
In April we travelled to Seville for the Feria celebrations and had a wonderful week of rest and recuperation. Seville is one of those places that we have pretty much seen and done but return to. The relaxed lifestyle, long lunches, dinners in several parts suits us.
By May, preparations for my move were in full swing. Our weekends were filled with decluttering, house maintenance and beginning to pack. However we did manage to find time for some fun and games. It had been a while since Master bought his girl a tail, but I hadn’t really had the chance to wear it. Until now.
The Smut Marathon moved onto round 5 and to my surprise I was still in the competition. As I mention in my post about round 4, my editing skills were coming under pressure. I tended to write pieces that were much longer than needed, sometimes 4 times as long. Since being out of the competition I have started to try to write stories that are already short and so need less editing. The Smut Marathon was a wonderful competition and I am grateful to Rebel for all her hard work in making it the success it was and will be again.
Hy from A Dissolute Life Means challenged herself and others to Post Every Damn Day in June. I got off to a good start even though at the time I was on holiday in Slovenia. Much of the country is under developed, with beautiful lakes, hills and mountains to explore. A great opportunity for some natural photo opportunities. While away I participated for the first time in Hyacinth’s regular meme: Boobday. I look at my contribution with some sadness as this is the boob I no longer have. The cancer was already growing inside me, though I didn’t know it. I do hope to participate again soon, but more of that in the post I am going to write about the coming year.
There was one final trip away (for a weekend) before the end of June, providing a great Sinful Sunday opportunity. After that, life was crazy as we prepared for my move.
The weather was wonderfully hot. A proper English heatwave. Probably not what you need when you are spending much of your life packing boxes. On one of the last weekends spent before the move, we frolicked in the garden. Not only did I run around naked but we also had anal sex out there. My anxiety about the neighbours seeing anything dissipated under the influence of a bottle or two of wine.
The rest of July is a mad blur. I didn’t post anything of substance until 26th. After the antics in the garden I developed a urinary infection (perhaps the two are linked) and needed antibiotics. Then as soon as I was recovered I moved house. I wrote about it all here. To be honest, I was pretty glad to see the back of July.
August was about finishing up at work. Luckily, with many people away on holiday the roads and railways were quiet, though London was as usual busy. There were few meetings so I was able to declutter my work environment in a reasonably calm way. I had a wonderful send off from colleagues and left on 31st. I also started to reorganise my blog a little, ending one journey page and starting another.
As we gradually settled into our life together we began to rekindle our kinky sides and also had some fun.
All through August I was waiting for the inevitable. I revealed at my mammogram early in the month that I had found a lump in my breast and knew I would be recalled. The first date I was given was for 31st August, but as this was my final day at work I asked for a later appointment. So on 11th September Master and I spent the entire afternoon at a one stop breast clinic. We came away already knowing that cancer was suspected, but had to wait a week for confirmation. The following day I travelled to Cyprus with my mum with a massive plaster on my boob. Over the coming days a huge bruise formed.
Cyprus was beautiful though. Hot sunny days and warm evenings. Even my mum and my attempts to hide my bruising didn’t spoil it. But I really did miss Master and wrote about my longing for him here.
On my return I received the news that we had been both expecting and dreading. I had breast cancer.
I think we saw the inside of more hospital wards and departments than I experienced in the first 3 months of my nursing career. Master was beside me the whole way and has been my rock and guiding light ever since the first appointment. Our hopes of a lumpectomy were dashed as the tumour was too large. So on 15th I had a mastectomy.
Many blog and twitter friends and followers have congratulated me on my positivity in coping with the surgery and aftermath. While I wanted to catalogue my journey and will continue to do so, I didn’t seek to make it seem easy. The operation was straightforward, but the recovery painful and frustration. I wasn’t the best patient, I don’t think nurses usually are. But I was determined not to succumb to self pity and so I guess that is why it came across that way. I started a series of regular posts about my recovery which will continue for as long as necessary.
I felt ready on 11th November to give Sinful Sunday followers a glimpse of my new body. I always knew that I was part of a body positive group of people but have been overwhelmed by the support. None more so than from Molly and that is why I chose Sinful Sunday for this post. Being able to go to the munch that Molly and Signs run and speak openly to others including Sub Bee has really helped. I am looking forward to getting together with Molly in the new year so she can photograph me lots more.
Thank you to everyone who has commented on here, sent me emails and messages on twitter. I know too that Master has found the support from this community to be a really positive thing.
A month of end of year lists and reviews, and I find myself on so many. After everything that has happened this year, I am overwhelmed. Looking back over my blog, I can see that it has been a good year for my writing.
Thank you to those who nominated me for the Kinkly and Chaturbate top sex blog lists. Thank you to May More for the wonderful messages of support and for including me on her Top of the Blogs list. To Floss, who named me as one of her top 20 Lovelies. To Kilted Wookie for putting me on the Naughty List, to Master Venture for including me on his list of people worth following and to Marie Rebelle for including me on her Top 20 of ’18. I am incredibly honoured to have been recognised by so many of the wonderful people I admire in this community.
Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year and to those who have commented and supported me. Here’s to 2019 – more of that to come.
While we have our fantasies, sex for us is real. After quite some time where one or other of us felt unable to initiate sex we are enjoying a very active sex life. With just a month to go before we are living together full time, this can only improve.
2. If you could hook-up with a past lover (with no repercussions or regret), who would it be and why? (No need to use real names just briefly describe the person and their relationship to you.)
I have no inclination or need to hook up with anyone else. While those lovers gave me some interest and excitement at the time, nothing now would compare. I am not being nice, romantic, or anything else. I just don’t want or need anyone else at the moment.
3. You can only indulge in one of the following sex acts for the rest of your life, which would you choose to enjoy?
a. oral sex, only giving
c. oral sex, only receiving
d. mutual masturbation
Probably 69. Best to both give and receive in my opinion!
4. With each lover do you pay attention to what they want or do you have a repertoire that you stick to when having sex?
I love Him to take the lead. I don’t have my own repertoire. But, I will happily take the lead if the situation is right. It tends not to be at all planned, but completely spontaneous.
5. Do you initiate sex for healthful benefits, e.g., to sleep better or relieve pain?
Orgasms help me sleep, so I am happy to lead the way for a good night sleep. However, that is more likely to happen when I am on my own, using one of my toys. Sex for it’s own sake with Master is perfectly good.
Bonus: Do you understand the clitoris?
I understand my own, but not the clitoris in general. What is better is that he understands my clit. In fact he knows it better than I do.
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
We are away again. Yes, just when I really need to be at home packing, we are staying in a hotel. Yesterday Master attended a reunion at his school. After 40 years, some of the class of 1978 came together. My own 40 year reunion, if we have one isn’t so far off and that feels really weird. Apparently the number 1 record when they left school was: You’re the one that I want. How on earth could Grease be 40 years ago?
Anyway, I digress. Our room at this country hotel, on the very edge of London has its own golf course. I was awake early this morning, as it is such a bright and sunny day and I saw that people were setting off for their round at 7.30! Crazy people.
This is the view from our window.
This is the view on the other side of the window. The non-golfer’s view
This is in the main a sex and lifestyle blog but I am going to make no excuses for the fact that over the next few weeks much navel gazing will take place. I have around four weeks before I move from my home of 27 years and my emotions are a little raw. This post marks the fact I have begun the packing process.
I began to prepare for this moment last year. A fair amount of decluttering took place, but I like to keep some things close to me. Personal things that define me, my life and the family we have been. These include books, photos and CDs. Even though my entire catalogue of music is held on iTunes, I also have most of it in CD. There is music I have deleted from that collection because it might have been hubby’s preference but certainly not mine. It turns out that deleting digital records are less meaningful than giving up a CD.
It feels as if I am starting with the most difficult things first. Emotionally that is. for practical reasons I am beginning with the things i don’t physically need but tonight realised that this packing lark isn’t as straight forward as I imagined.
I have placed our photo albums and packets of photos in a pile. Much of that isn’t online anywhere and we will need to discuss who owns what. The CDs felt like an easy place to start. To some extent it is, he loves Motown, Whitney Houston, Barry White and so on. I have tastes that include The Beautiful South, REM and Robbie Williams. But there is significant overlap and so as I packed CDs I became incrementally indecisive.
Of course, he might decide that he wants none of the CDs, he may want to let me take all of our photos. There are books that I know belong to him, including some from childhood. Maybe he won’t want them either. Time will tell.
I might have been a little blasé about moving on from my marriage. After all, we have had enough time to think about it. But these decisions about who owns what will carry through to the bitter and. And we haven’t even got to the difficult stuff yet!
The photo for this week’s wicked Wednesday feels very poignant and so I am using it here. After 6 years of writing my blog, of sometimes living a lie but mostly waiting I will soon be free. A butterfly about to be released, to fly away.
My husband was unfaithful to me within 2 or 3 years of our marriage. A relationship that continued for 7 years. After I found out and came to terms with the reality. After also the decision was made to continue with the marriage I made a deal with myself. Essentially I decided if, by the time my son (who was about 3 or 4 at the time) had grown up, I wasn’t happy, I would leave the marriage. For many years I forgot about it and just lived in the moment, it wasn’t as if we were always unhappy because we weren’t.
But the memories sat on my shoulder and every now and then something happened or words were spoken that reminded me. And one day soon after my son, now grown up, left for university I realised that the time had come.
I felt trapped. The good daughter wife and mother who realised she was living a lie.
Today, about 7 years later and 5 since I was first unfaithful to my husband I am preparing to break free. At last.
If I had my life over again I would do things differently, maybe.
I stayed in the marriage because I thought it was the right thing for my son and because I was scared. It took me years to build the confidence to explore and to become the person I am. Maybe too, the person I needed to be with also had to be in the right place, right time.
Within a month I will have moved from my home of 27 years. I will be with my lover, my Master, the man I want to be with. In 9 weeks I will have left my job and have some space, to be me.
Meantime there is a lot to do. Life is going to be busy and tiring. I am probably going to struggle to cope and will probably say and do things that might later be regretted. Though I hope not.
It is time for me to be me. The future beckons and if I just flap my wings enough I will be that butterfly with the wind in her wings. Ready to land in my new home. With Master.
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This week’s Wicked Wednesday is about trademarks, for me that means a unique selling point. Something the product or indeed person is known for. Here on this blog my main trademark is my name – MPB, but also the explicit and implicit ways the blog informs the reader who I am.
What does MPB mean?
The title of the blog is Master’s Pleasing Bitch (MPB), but what does that mean? MPB was a name given to me by Master at the beginning of our relationship over 4 years ago.
Let’s be clear, if anyone outside of this relationship called me a bitch, or even a pleasing bitch, I’d probably thump them. Well maybe not, but I would have something to say. What’s more, Master doesn’t go round calling me a bitch in public or in front of family and friends. But during a scene, when we have sex and at other times when we are alone he will refer to me as such. During those times I find the names he calls me ( there are more), arousing. I am turned on by being called his bitch. And from the start that is what he called me.
I wouldn’t be happy if he called anyone else his bitch, though to be honest it could have happened. But I honestly don’t think anyone else will be MPB after me. In terms of the blog, I think people know me as MPB first and then as Julie. At times I worry I should have named the blog something more mainstream, but it does mean people can find me. Plus, it us unique!
Others have written about their branding for their Wicked Wednesday posts – Posyand Indieabout their names and how they came to be. Marie’spost is about about the marketing aspects of her blog and Livvy’s storyis about an actual branding. There are more, but I haven’t had chance to read them yet.
So, where does that lead me? Other than the name MPB, my brand, what other elements of my trademark would be ways I demonstrate I am Master’s slave? I wear his collar and cuff, nipple and clitoral hood piercings as visible signs *the latter not visible to all of course). But always there are unwritten, unsaid signs only he can see . Then there is the blog which is both written and seen. All of these are important ways in which I demonstrate my submission to him and my trademark to everyone else.