I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life, it would be difficult not to by my age. But I’m a little hard pressed to think of any that I really regret or that I’m not a little grateful for.
I was married at 21
I think that was probably a mistake. He was my first serious boyfriend and we did what everyone thought we should. My parents frowned on us living together first, and weren’t best pleased that we lived in our first house before the wedding. I remember telling a friend soon after the wedding that I had been in love with the wedding itself. That was probably a clear indicator.
I am thankful for being married to him though, because I have my son. He is now happily married himself and is his own person. He has some of his dads more cautious traits, which hopefully won’t hold him back. But I think he has the intelligence to work things out for himself.
I stayed in the marriage after being cheated on
That too was a mistake. I should have got out before I did and certainly after I found out what a lier he was. Indeed my ex often struggled to know what the truth was. Years later when he no longer needed to tell lies he still did so. It was bizarre.
But my life has been better for the fact that we did carry on together. More of our life was happy than not and I am grateful for those happy memories. In fact the bad times fade from memory now I have distance between us. Over the past year our relationship has improved and I don’t dislike him as I once did. I’m grateful he is someone else’s problem, but happy to be his kind of friend.
I’ve stayed in jobs too long
I probably could have progressed my career and climbed higher up the ladder. But actually I am grateful for the stability I have had in my life along with the work life balance. I was able to take my son to school, take time off for concerts and plays and be there when he needed me. Promotion might have given us more material things, but we were always reasonably comfortable. Plus I have never had to work all hours because it is expected of me (not since I left clinical practice anyway).
Sometimes I’ve put my trust in the wrong people
We probably all have. Like many people, I have told people deep and personal things only for them to ghost me. I have also had confidences broken. But from where I sit now, I have few regrets. Friends come and go in life and that has to be accepted. I am sad that some people have listened to the word of others over mine, but that is something we cannot control. Life is one long learning curve and I no longer bear a grudge.
I met Master at the right time
Master and I have spoken a lot about the what ifs. What if we had met sooner, perhaps had a child together. But the question is always whether we would have found each other and even then if we would have been attracted.
We are right together for this time in our life and I am grateful for that. There is no mistake in accepting that this is the life we have and I am grateful for mine.
Today’s 30 days of D/s question is about what happens when the trials of life get in the way of a dominant / submissive relationship. Like most couples, we have had our challenges. Stuff has happened that has caused us to put our M/s dynamic onto the back burner a little. The most obvious ones were when my dad was ill and then died and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My dad’s illness and death
My dad died of cancer in September 2014 when Master and I had only been together for 7 months. I regret that they never met each other, because I know they would have got on well. I didn’t introduce them because by the time things were getting serious between Master and I, my dad was already pretty unwell. But it just didn’t seem the right thing to do. This did however provide me with a haven, a place to go when things got difficult.
For the last few weeks I practically lives with my parents. Caring for dad, supporting my mum and family and dealing with practicalities. But this was massively draining, and other than my son, I really had no one to turn to. Master became a great source of support for me as well as a shoulder to cry on. He had lost his dad a few years before, so was able to provide the empathy I needed.
On the face of it our M/s took a back seat as I prioritised family. But, while I was busy making massive decisions and leading my family through the pain, Master was there behind me. Looking back, our dynamic may have been in the background, but it never disappeared. Shortly after the funeral, Master took me away to Amsterdam and there we were able to reaffirm my submission and his dominance.
The events of last autumn unsurprisingly hit us both very hard. During the run up to my surgery, there were numerous hospital appointments. For a while we took in the information we were given and made decisions together. This was done on an equal footing, with me having the final say about what would happen. As it was, there were no disagreements and we pretty much went along with the advice given by the doctors.
Master provided me with the most amazing support while I underwent surgery and recovered afterwards. We both struggled to come to terms with my new body shape and image. But helped each other cope. He was very firm with me during the following few months, making sure I didn’t do too much, had sufficient rest and got out and about as part of my recovery.
Just as happened when my dad died, our M/s dynamic was placed on the back burner, but never disappeared. Master continued to care for me and protected me. But this time our relationship was more established and of course by then we were living together.
Over all, I think that the big events we have encountered so far have strengthened our relationship. Both in terms of us as a couple, but also our dynamic.
Steve was heavily into role play, (I wrote about it in this post). I enjoyed the thrill of it to begin with but after a while it got a bit wearing. He had a vivid imagination and came up with fabulous scenarios. For example, I was a housewife who had called someone in to repair my heating (useful as that was his job). Or I was a religious woman who knocked on his door trying to sell him religion. Another time I just happened to be in the café at the airport waiting for a pickup. I could go on.
I had no problems with the getting dressed up and going to the rendezvous, but struggled to make up my own script. Often of course we were at his place, and things quickly descended to a good spanking and then sex. It was a phase that I am glad to be out of, but I wonder if he still conducts his relationships in that way. Or was it just with me?
Thankfully role play isn’t Master’s thing. We play ourselves in our life whether in the playroom, bedroom out in the street or whatever. We don’t need to adopt a different role since we enjoy the ones we own.
During play and sex we do become more overtly Master and slave, but I don’t think we are taking on different roles at all. It is just we explore our feelings for each other by using more sexualised language. We both find this to be a turn on.
Having said that, we do dress differently on some occasions to be Master and slave. Yesterday is an example. We went to a play event a the venue that hosts the CMnf. This time I wore a leather corset and spanking skirt and he the requisite suit and bow tie. Some women were naked, others wore fetish wear and a few pretty regular day dresses. I don’t believe either of us adopted a role but instead played ourselves in clothes that extenuated or positions. Him as the dominance and me as His slave. These days, that’s as far as I want to go in role play.
Following on from last week’s Sinful Sunday scene, today I present a different view. This time, me looking out from our hotel room in Utrecht. Of course, the reflection in the window also gives you something of a glance at our room. I really must post more of the room, since it was an amazing place, pretty much the bridal suite! Outside you can tell that we are close to Ikea!
At last I feel I’m making progress with my fitness and weight loss. Plus I’m feeling positive about achieving my goals. So to the summary for this week.
Diet and weight loss
In some ways double paying for weight loss support seems crazy. But for a limited period it feels the right thing to do. My slimming world group is supportive and a social event. But I have struggled to stay on plan. I am also convinced that I can no longer eat loads of carbs and still lose weight. Slimming world is based on a food optimising approach, concentrating on eating a balanced healthy diet. It doesn’t involve calorie counting, because if you make healthy choices calorie intake should be less.
But the Noom approach is actually similar, encouraging you to focus on eating foods with a high water content rather than stuff that is proposed. What I am getting from noom though is evidence based guidance about habits and the psychology of over eating. The calorie counting is useful as a guide, but I’m not religiously weighing everything. Interestingly some foods I had considered healthy are more processed than I imagined.
But whatever the science etc. I have lost 2lb this week and am motivated to continue.
Spurred on by our recent holiday I have kept up the exercise. Last week I hit 70k steps for the week, though that included the end of the holiday and 20k steps in one day in Amsterdam. I rested a bit after we got back, but then got back to it on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I swam again this week, and am pleased to note that I am managing more laps within my half hour in the pool. The sports centre has a gym, which can be used on an ad hoc basis so that will be my next fitness challenge.
This week I had an abdominal CT scan in preparation for my next plastic surgery appointment. The purpose was to check that I have a healthy blood supply so that the subcutaneous fat can be used to create my new breast. I won’t get the result till I see the doctor in August. Meantime, I have to concentrate on losing weight so I am fit for the operation when the time comes. This has, I think given me the renewed incentive for dieting. It is behind the mental progress which is spurring me on.
I have to admit that I haven’t read 1984 by George Orwell. But I do know that room 101 is the place where your greatest fear resides. I have though watched the TV programme of the same name and on that people banish things they really hate or fear.
My general fears
As I’ve got older I fear fewer every day things. There is nothing like going through experiences to make you face your fears – having a baby, losing a parent, getting cancer. Done those, got the T-shirt. Of course they were never things that filled my waking hours until I knew they were going to happen. But still they were fears all the same.
After my son was born and began to grow I had a fear that something would happen to him and I would be left childless again. This fear hasn’t really gone away, but now he is an adult I worry less. I fear me or Master developing a life limiting condition, particularly something neurological. Certainly, I fear cancer less than M.S or motor neurone disease from which my brother in law recently died. I worry too about dementia, especially that period of time when you have insight into what is happening. My nursing knowledge certainly doesn’t help allay my fears.
I’m not even sure I have many real sexual fears any more. We have done so many things. I feared public play and taking my clothes off in public, but I’ve done both now.
I’m not overly keen on dildos being inserted inside my vagina, that’s because I had a weird experience with one a few years ago – I think it was the material the dildo was made of. I do have a fear of fisting, partly because I have a weird shaped vagina and don’t like it being overly stretched. Both things are likely connected.
I don’t have anything specific to put into room 101 right now. There was a time when it would have been my ex, but relations with him have improved this past year. Plus he doesn’t keep bothering me like he used to.
I guess for me the thing I hate the most is people who judge others because they don’t act the way they want them to. Or because they believe there is only one way of doing things and we should all follow. Many politicians fit this category along with people in the D/s community who decide who fits and who doesn’t. People who judge on the basis of colour, sexuality, gender etc. Without all of those people the world would be a happier, safer and more enjoyable place.
Lingerie Is For Everyone is probably the only meme I haven’t yet taken part in. Hosted by Violet Faukes Lingerie Is For Everyone is body positive, inclusive and also a great place to see beautiful bodies and fabulous lingerie.
But I have been hesitant to take part. I have a drawer full of lingerie that I rarely wear. Well I can put on most of the knickers, though some are currently a little tight. But I’m unable to wear any of my pre- mastectomy bras.
For the first few months post mastectomy I wore bras for comfort. So underwired ones were out. I also needed to go up a couple of sizes. It turns out I had a larger back size and smaller cup than I knew.
Finally though I’ve begun to source bras that not only feel comfortable but look good too. This is one of them and I have it in white too. I’m planning further purchases and maybe some matching knickers. It’s take time for me to begin to feel happy with my body again and sharing this photo is part of that process. Because, lingerie really is for everyone who wants to wear it.
“There are six myths about old age: 1. That it’s a disease, a disaster. 2. That we are mindless. 3. That we are sexless. 4. That we are useless. 5. That we are powerless. 6. That we are all alike.”Maggie Kuhn
I haven’t written for the Erotic Journal Challenge for a while, but luckily this is catch up week. I’ve decided to turn my attention to sex and ageing. None of us can avoid getting older, but we can do something about our own attitude and maybe that of others. There was a time that I thought 56 was really old, actually I thought 30 was old. It turns out I was wrong, I’m still not old, but I am definitely getting older.
Sex in my 50’s
I didn’t start this blog until 4 months before my 50th birthday. Sex in my 40’s had been pretty dull and I was determined my 50’s would be different. And so it has proved.
During this decade of my life I have discovered so much more about my body than I would ever have imagined. Partly through self examination and experimentation (mainly in relation to orgasms), and also through having two partners who have helped to guide me. This has meant I have experienced anal sex, multiple orgasms and orgasm control amongst other things.
I don’t have the hugest libido in the world but once I get aroused I’m up for most things. It turns out all I needed was a man to push me towards trying new things, or to having sex at different times of the day. Together Master and I have experimented with various pieces of equipment to aid or sexual journey, things like the sex swing and fucking machine.
Our bodies are ageing
There is no doubt that we have less stamina than we did in our 20’s and 30’s. Master is unable to ejaculate more than once a day and perhaps less than that. Morning times are usually better for him and now I am not working we have plenty of time. We also have to pace ourselves and when we have been strenuous in other ways our bodies are often tired. One way to help is taking a bath, something we love to do together. In the future we hope to have our own hot tub, but mean time we make do with our regular bath which luckily has a jacuzzi function.
But we are not willing to just turn over and go to sleep. We can spend time cuddling up together, mutually masturbating each other including orally. As I mentioned there are toys to help things along. The sex swing was purchased when Master had a frozen shoulder and sex in bed was often painful.
The experience of life and a desire to be fulfilled sexually means that we are willing to try new ways and enjoy different equipment. And of course I am always keen to write about it.
We are determined to grow older together as disgracefully as possible and we intend to keep having sex for as long as we can. Keeping as fit and healthy as possible is probably key and so keeping active will help. But as I said at the beginning we are actually pretty young still. It’s just we can recognise the ageing process as it happens. I guess that means we can deal with new problems as they arise. Plus you can be sure I will write about them here.
I’ve written a few times recently about rules. In September for Food for Thought Friday I wrote about the rules of life and a little about my relationship. Then in May, for this series I wrote about how we negotiated our power exchange relationship. But in this post I’ll go into a little more detail about our rules and how they impact our relationship.
Why have rules?
In a relationship such as this, it is important to know how the power exchange dynamic will work and with whom the buck stops. The key thing for me, the slave to remember is that I have agreed to give the power and responsibility for decision making to my Master. This rule is unwritten but understood. That isn’t to say I can’t move without having to ask, far from it. But in all important issues that involve us both I do defer to him.
This takes us to one of the reasons we have such rules. It’s because I need to give up the part of myself that seeks to control everything to him. There, I’ve said it – I need this and he knows it. What is more, he wants to take that control from me so that I am free to serve him and to be his submissive, his slave.
Then why do I fight against it?
It is difficult to change habits of an adult lifetime. It is hard to admit that this is what I need and even more difficult to become dependent upon someone else. I have fought hard through life for my independence, so why would I give it up? Well, I am and I am not. On one hand I am still free to make day to day decisions. But I don’t need to do so alone, nor do I need to have the final say. I can confer and I can ask for help. But it has taken 5 years to get to the realisation that I want it.
But, we are also codependent. He is my Master but also my partner and best friend. We discuss pretty much everything we are going to do that affects me or us both. He mostly discusses things he is thinking of with me, but doesn’t have to. This is a learning process for us both and is something we continue to work on. After all, we came together later in life than many couples.
We have recently been renegotiating the contract we agreed on in 2014. Much has changed since then, including that our relationship is more committed and that we live together. They can be found below.
- “This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master Diogenes
- “This girl” freely and willingly gives her holes to her Master for His use and pleasure
- “This girl” freely and willingly gives her orgasms to her Master whenever He requires
- “This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master
- “This girl” will modify her body to please Her Master, including tattoos, piercings, hairstyle and shaping of her pubic hair as He requires
- “This girl” freely and willingly accepts that she is her Master’s registered slave under the number 798-167-302
- “This girl” wants and needs to serve her Master as His Pleasing Bitch
- “This girl” will try to please her Master in everything she does
- “This girl” accepts that her Master Diogenes is her Lord
- “This girl” will wear a buttplug twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays in order to make her arse-cunt more pleasing for her Master
Many of the specific rules we had in place previously are now encompassed within number 8. I know what they are and tend to do them without thinking. But number 10 is one that i often forget to do and in fact need to attend to right now. Since today is Tuesday.
I struggle, even after all this time to understand my body’s reaction to pain. After all pain is meant to be a stimulus that warns us that things are not right, that we should take flight. But the right kind of pain delivered in a certain way isn’t at all like that.
Until I met S, I had never participated in play where pain led to sexual arousal. But when he told me that flogging my backside with a leather implement made my cunt ooze I felt excited. And so began a wonderful journey to pain and arousal.
Pain isn’t a huge element in the relationship Master and enjoy. But it is an important one. Pain is something reserved for play. The intimacy we exerience when I am leant over a bench, legs spread is unique. For him, the time he spends feeling between my legs for my reaction is as important as the impact of the lashes inflicted upon my cheeks.
I glow red for minues or perhaps an hour. But the effect on my cunt can last for days. I am a pain slut, but you won’t see the evidence visually. Instead the signs are subtle. Pain brings out my submissive nature, it helps me feel and see who I am. It shows him the impact (in many ways) of his actions and reminds me of what I am.