Zeal

Zeal is defined as: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or objective.

If you read my first few posts my excitement and enthusiasm for the future was palpable. I didn’t know what would happen, whether my foray into the unknown would be a short lived thing. But I embraced the experiences and wrote about them in this blog. It would be impossible to write for 7 years without some zeal and I tend to approach most projects with the same enthusiasm. But this can be tiring and can’t be sustained over a long period. So many times over the years my words have dried up and I have questioned the blog’s purpose. I’m sure that will continue to occur from time to time.

Purpose

In the past I was always heading in some kind of direction, there were goals to achieve, decisions to be made. Things are different now. This blog has become a record of the here and now, it’s a place to write my thoughts and feelings and post photos of those experiences.

My breast cancer experience gave me a new reason for writing. I was angry and scared. Writing about what was happening helped me process and articulate my thoughts. As always it has also produced a lasting memory. The next part of that journey will be my breast reconstruction, which I intend to write about in depth. And Zeal will be required to see it through to a conclusion, since it requires major surgery.

Readership

I still try to write for myself, but know that others read what I have to say. I participate in memes, mainly to help with inspiration. But also because I want to take part, to join in. Of course this could lead to a loss of focus on the main purpose of the blog (if there was one), or the quality of what is published. I hope that isn’t the case.

My main reader is Master. He still looks back at old posts as well as reading the new. He and I have many discussions about my blog content, which I think is healthy. Otherwise my readership is growing and I love that is happening. I guess it gives me permission to branch out into topics that people would like me to write about.

Zealous to the end

This has been my 4th year of participating in the A to Z of blogging. As always I started with zeal and even planned ahead. I think my choice of using the 7 years of material on the blog was a good one. But I underestimated the work involved in finding the right links for each post. It involved reading an awful lot of old posts, some of which I would rather have left alone. However, it is done and there is really only one post (UVW), a 3 in one post, that I’m not happy with. Time, the fact I have written about topics before and a small amount of apathy, played a part. But I have made it to Z with zeal.

I am not sure there will be a 5th year though. I think I have run out of energy for this one.

YKINMK

There is an acronym widely used in the BDSM world: your kink is not my kink (YKINMK). Added to which Your kink is ok (YKIOK).

This recognises that no two relationships are the same and that we need to respect that fact. Many people portray kink and BDSM as if there were only one way (a true way). But of course that is not the case.

I write a lot about my relationship with my Master, which we define as Master / slave. We have few protocols and rules and our dynamic ebbs and flows. It works for us and we take it very seriously. But the M/s relationship of other couples will be different and that is fine with us. We respect their relationship and wouldn’t dream of telling them they are doing it wrong.

But there are people out there who take great pleasure in advising others that their way is the true way and that yours is wrong. You can find quite a bit of this kind of advice on Fetlife and some message boards and chat sites. Generally I try to keep clear of those these days.

A great place for information and advice is Missy and His Lordship’s website: The Safeword D/s Club. There you will find forums and chat which will help you make up your own mind. Of course there are others, such as fetish.com, alt.com where Master and I met. But you always need to beware that not everyone is who they say they are. Plus there will always be people who try to tell you that their way is the only way.

Some years ago, fellow bloggers coined another acronym – TTWD – The thing we do. The thing you do is fine, it is unique to you and I guess it means the same as YKINMK. Remember though, YKIOK. Just don’t ram it down my throat, keep it to your blog. And I’ll do the same.

X rated

Until 2015 most of the photos that appeared on my blog were of other people, often found on Tumblr. It was really participating in February Photofest that year, and then Sinful Sunday that encouraged my exhibitionist nature to emerge. From the start of our relationship Master photographed me during play and sex. But over time I have become more willing to show those images on my blog. At one time I would never have shown my face, but I worry less about that now. I feel I have less to lose by being discovered. Plus there are times when you need at least part of your face visible to be able to appreciate the full enjoyment of the moment that has been captured. This is such an image. It is pretty X-rated and now not even safe for Tumblr, let alone work!

An image of me enjoying the pleasure of my Master's cock.
Sinful Sunday

Unique, Vanilla, Weekends

Unique

I wanted to write about the amazing and unique folks I have met in real life and encountered online as part of this blogging journey. From the start I found the support and encouragement provided by other bloggers was unrivalled. Many of the blogs I read in those early days have unfortunately gone. But the comments of those bloggers on my posts remain. It was through reading and commenting that led them to me. I can’t underestimate the importance of supporting each others work, of commenting and providing constructive feedback. So if you find a blog and visit regularly, then comment. You and they are a unique bunch of people.

Vanilla

I have a category on my blog labelled: Vanilla family life. There was a time when my life was clearly decided between my vanilla life and kinky pursuits. A time when I juggled family and relationships, work and play time. But as external elements to my current relationship fell away, so have the posts in that category.

Yesterday I met with my husband and agreed that finally we will divorce. It pains me that for so many years, I wrote that this day was imminent. Only to discover that another year went by and little seemed to have changed.

It is only now that I can look back and see that changes had been incremental and that the day would come when that part of my life would be complete. That day is almost here.

There will always be vanilla family times. I have responsibilities as a mother and daughter. But increasingly we live our life in the way we want. The balance has definitely shifted.

Weekends away

Weekends away are an important interlude when you are working. Indeed they still are. From the beginning of the blog I wrote about the fun that went with a weekend spent away from home, often in a hotel. The most memorable from the previous relationship with S was when we met up with another couple in Warwick. This included my one and only sexual encounter with another woman. It also included DP with her partner and S. I struggle to this day to express my feelings about it all, other than to say sensory overload occured. I guess it is still the kinkiest thing I have done.

When Master and I are away for the weekend we try to capture a Sinful Sunday opportunity along the way. That way we have a record of the lovely rooms, beautiful mirrors, bathrooms and other fun things that happen along the way.

Memories are made and recorded and sometimes blogged about later. These days though we don’t always have to go away at the weekend. Sometimes it might be a Monday night….

Travel

One of the greatest pleasures in my life now, is that I am able to travel to new places. But also that I get to do it with a man who so enjoys exploring new places and showing me places he has visited before. We are fortunate to be able to go away from home frequently, for short breaks and longer. I mention my travels frequently on my blog, and use opportunities that arise for photography.

Below is a few of our favourite places.

France

In 2013 I was made redundant and took the decision to buy a small apartment in the south west of France. This little bolthole of mine is somewhere I have travelled to alone, with my son, my mum and with Master. I own it with my ex (for reasons that were clear at the time, but are less so now) but have never visited with him. It is close to the City where Master spent a year as a student and in an area I have visited for almost 20 years.

Our first visit together was within a couple of months of meeting and our most recent was last week. We will always return there when we want some time to ourselves away from our normal life.

Lisbon

The first place Master took me to was Lisbon. In June 2014 would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. Even though we were living apart, being anywhere near my ex on the day would have felt wrong. I was feeling vulnerable, wondering if I had done the right thing and getting away was just what I needed. Lisbon was wonderful, even though our luggage got lost and I had hardly any clothes to wear. We were able to see most of the sites and generally explore the city together. At the time I expected this holiday to be a one off. Instead it turned into something much more.

We returned to Lisbon on our way to Cape Verde in February. I’d like to see much more of Portugal though.

Amsterdam

Master lived in Amsterdam for 5 years and he is a great tour guide for all of the places the books don’t really cover. But be prepared to walk miles and to find yourself in some weird and wonderful places. We visited in August 2014 and again in the November. When he booked a most amazing hotel room with jacuzzi bath and sauna in the room. It was a special treat following the death of my dad. Since then we have visited several more times and will return in May. This time though, we will also be exploring more of Holland and The Netherlands. We plan on that trip to meet up with Marie and Master T.

Spain

Master has visited Spain many times, it is one of his favorite countries to holiday in. He first took me to Andalucia for Easter in 2015. Since then we have visited Northern Spain around the Pyrenees, but have also been back to Seville a couple of times. We spent Christmas there in 2015 and returned for the Feria last year. This is another area of the Europe I think we will visit over and again.

Submission

I have written a lot about submission on this blog. The whole thing started with my discovery that I was a submissive person. That my need to please others, to lead a structured and orderly life had a name.

But what is clear from reading back, I really had no idea what I was getting into. I craved the control of another, for someone to take the lead, to tell me what I should do. But had no real idea the extent to which I wanted to be sexually dominated. Then once that had happened, that I would need so much more from my submission.

During 2012/13 when the whole consept of D/s was new to me I answered a series of questions (30 days of submission). Later when this relationship was new, in 2014 I revisited them. Links to the posts are here.

Key points from 2012 /13

Our D/s was mainly confined to the bedroom (and other places we had sex). Control came through the way S expected me to dress. Stockings and heels were his thing and I complied. I also started to wear more skirts and dresses.

When we were together there was a lot of sex. It was also pretty ritualistic, i.e. everything happened in a particular order. It was exciting, but it later transpired that he was busy ticking things off a D/s checklist.

This is not to undermine the great times we had together, or that I learnt a lot about sex and something about D/s.

Key points from 2014

The first thing I learnt when I met Master, was that all relationships (D/s or vanilla) are different. Next, I learned that I didn’t know as much about D/s, submission or BDSM as I thought.

It took me a while to work out if this submission thing was for real or play. Yes, there was quite a bit of play in those early days. But there was more to it. There were rules about dress and how we addressed each other. But there were other aspects of behaviour which Master sought to control from the start. Already, in May 2014 I had a view of the kind of submissive I might want to be.

Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.

18 May 2014
And today

I am the same person I was in 2012 and 2014. I enjoy being dominated in the play room or bedroom. I will follow rules, but often forget unless reminded. But the key element of my submission the extent to which I need to be controlled. I have handed over so much of the control I have over my own life that I almost feel like a different person.

That isn’t to say that I don’t make decisions for myself. But increasingly I feel the need to defer to him. I want him to take the lead and when he can’t for some reason I become anxious. I like that he has this power over me and when he is able to exert control it makes me feel safe and secure.

Submission is exactly what I thought it would be. But it is also very different. It is also something that is difficult to describe and no doubt I will need to return to.

Questions

I put a request out on Twitter for questions for the A to Z blogging prompt Q. The one question received was from @May_Matters

Her question was: Who was your first crush?

When I was about 13 I fell in love with a boy from the 6th form at school. He looked something like Bryan Ferry and was tall, dark and in my mind very handsome. I don’t believe he ever knew I existed.

My friend Wendy fancied his mate. She also knew where he lived (just around the corner from her). We spent weekends and an entire summer holiday walking past his house and generally stalking him. At school we joined extracurricular events we wouldn’t otherwise have bothered with, because Steve and Pete were running them or part of the crew. Unfortunately many of the competitions etc. were run on a house basis and neither of us were in their houses. This made so much school activity something of a waste. But we were able to get good seats for house competitions we weren’t part of that meant we could watch them.

Looking back this behaviour was mighty weird and just a little sinister. But I don’t think we ever got in the way to the extent we might have. We did however make up stories involving our prey. Stories where we were already their girlfriends. It’s all very odd really.

This was the first time I remember being aroused in any way (I guess I was a late starter) apart from when I tried my hand at flirting with a farmer on a family holiday. Thankfully he was old and wise enough to humour me without ever leading me into any danger.

The following year spent a few months getting to know my next door neighbour rather well. This involved meetings at the back of our houses, lots of chat, some snogging and a bit of groping. That was fun, but a more solo activity. While still friends, Wendy and I never went in for joint stalking activities again. Though she did go out with one of my cousins for a while.

I don’t know what became of Steve. He went to University and by the time he returned I was busy elsewhere and was never tempted to walk past his parents house on the off chance of seeing him.

Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.

Owned

For most of my adult life I believed it was wrong to own or be owned by another person. I still do believe it is wrong if the person being owned is kept against their will and without explicit consent. But I don’t believe being owned by another is wrong. It is a fact of D/s life. A fact of my life

Very early in our relationship Master, within the first month, laid claim to my orgasms. This meant that I had to ask to be allowed to orgasm and thank him for the privilege. I still do

Next he told me all of my body belonged to him. My breasts were his, as was my cunt and arse. It made me feel warm inside and highly aroused when he told me that he owned my body. Long before he told me he loved me he told me I was his and was precious. It meant I felt loved even before he had uttered the words.

Within months it was clear that being owned by Master and being his possession was very important to me. I craved his control, especially when we were apart.

The first symbols of ownership were the piercings (described yesterday). Next Master presented me with a thick chained bracelet and finally in the summer of 2015 a titanium collar. This it the clearest symbol of his ownership of me and is clearly recognisable to other members of the BDSM community.

Being owned by Master hasn’t changed who I am. But it has changed the way I behave around him and others. One of the rules I agreed to was that I would be mindful of how my actions affected him and others. In the main, I stick to this rule and try to think about what he would think about what I am doing and how he would interpret my actions. Being the property of someone else makes me feel safe and secure. It means I know he has the final word. But I also know this is something I have consented to, and that is important too.