2019 In Review

Over the past few years, at the end of December, I’ve looked back over my blog and created a review. The year has, on the whole been a good one, we’ve travelled to new places and done some fabulous things. This is my 235th post this year, up considerably on last year. I’ve discovered that writing about something is better than writing nothing. So it was only when I was away for the whole of July that I didn’t write at least twice a week. I’ll write more about stats when I post about my plans for 2020. But now, this is my year – 2019 in review.

January

The year didn’t start especially well for me, a hangover as it were from 2018. The unfinished business was radiotherapy for my breast cancer. The treatment itself wasn’t bad, but the cumulative effects – physical and emotional were. This post sums up the month. I haven’t written for the Sex Bloggers for Mental Health meme often and this is something I plan to rectify in 2020.

On 10th January I wrote this Friday Flash post and although I haven’t written much fiction in 2019 I managed two in January. My goal in 2020 will be at least one piece of fiction per month.

Being mainly confined to home, I wrote 27 posts in January, which set me up pretty well for February photofest.

February

My 7th highest post / category of all time is my February Photofest one for 2019. I posted 36 times, so it obviously wasn’t all about the images. I began to show bits of my body, and especially noticeable are the radiotherapy burns visible on any photo showing my chest.

Tell me about, which is co-run by Missy and Sweetgirl, have led to some reflective and thought provoking posts in 2019. This one, about showing my own vulnerability, is no exception.

Love Lock, is a fiction piece about genital piercings used to provide female chastity. I’ve now linked it to my most popular post ever – Chastity, does a girl need to be locked in? Something I did following a talk by Girl on the Net at Eroticon (more of that event below).

March

There were 19 posts in March, and two of my favourites are photos posted for Sinful Sunday. This one, Double Exposure was for the prompt week at the beginning of the month and Birthday Breakfast at the very end on Master’s birthday. Both were taken in hotel bedrooms and I am thankful that we have the opportunity to travel both here and abroad and to stay in some fabulous places. In these relaxed environments I have begun to feel able to share photos of my body again.

The other notable event was Eroticon, which I wrote about here. As the conference rolls around again soon, I am really excited to catch up with old friends and to meet new people.

April

Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z, this time using my blog history to examine how my journey has progressed. I found it a useful reflective tool which showed me how I have changed (or not) along the way. I posted 29 times, often combing other memes with the Blogging A-Z one. While I said afterwards that I wouldn’t participate again, I have an idea so I just might!

Favourite posts from this month were this one, of Master in the Swing of Relaxation and this one entitled Kinky. Both include images taken at STOXX which is sadly no longer available to rent.

May

Of the 22 blog posts for May, several are especially memorable. On 1st I wrote my Confessions of an unruly slave for The Erotic Journal Challenge. Brigit’s prompts are thought provoking and now they are monthly I’m better able to join in with them all. I think that particular post sums me up. I want to be the perfect slave, but often fall short.

Unmentionable has turned out to be particularly popular in terms of traffic. This is in no small way due to being placed in the top 3 posts for Elust #119. I would highly recommend submitting to Elust to help broaden your readership.

At the end of May we toured around Holland and Belgium for a week, during which time we were lucky enough to meet up with Marie Rebel and Master T. We enjoyed a lovely afternoon / evening together which I write about here. I’m looking forward to seeing both at Eroticon in March.

The following day we travelled to Amsterdam where we stayed in the Kinky Suite. My review is here.

June

Once again I joined Every Damn Day in June on Hy’s blog, and while I didn’t manage to post every day I did manage 29 posts. I participated in my first Lingerie is for everyone meme with this post. There’s new lingerie for 2020, so, I will be participating again soon.

I discovered a friend had passed away in April, but didn’t know until mid June. I wrote about him here.

July

We left for France at the beginning of July. Somehow I had run out of steam and was a bit out of love with writing and posting. So, there wee only 4 posts, one of which was Elust. Lazy days and hot nights sums up the month.

August

We were away for the majority of August too. But despite being on a boat with no Wifi for a week I still managed to write 12 blog posts. My favourite photo, posted for Sinful Sunday was this one – Topless. At last I was getting my mojo back!

On 29th I wrote about some issues I’ve been having with elusive orgasms. I’m pleased to say that the strategies we have been taking since seem to be helping.

September

This month we returned to CMnf after a break of a year and my mastectomy. I wrote here, about the wonderful reception I received. Sun kissed skin was a favourite photo, posted for Wicked Wednesday. How I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. Something to think about in the middle of winter!

The Smutathon took place at the end of September and while I wasn’t a participant, I wrote this post about abortion to link in with something that I consider a very important cause.

October

My Kissing Vignettes post for Food For Thought was in hindsight a way of edging myself back towards writing fiction. The post is based on some happy memories, but with a little artistic licence thrown in. The other of my 15 posts during October that I want to highlight is this one.

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year during awareness month. My Breast Care Nurse warned me at the time to steer clear of the internet and I can understand why. This year, May More contacted me to ask if I was happy for her to write something to raise awareness, which of course I was. She inspired me to write the post above.

November

My Sinful Sunday post for November didn’t conform to the set prompt. But having the image available to use, I just had to post it. Molly and many others retweeted my post and then it and then it was chosen as one of the top Sinful Sunday posts that week, despite not being related to the prompt. I still feel proud and positive about this image. It has gone on to be the 6th most viewed post of all time (not just this year). And was partly responsible for my best ever blog stats that month.

My post – Submissive Training is it necessary for Tell Me About has proved immensely popular, and is currently number 8 on the all time list. The other of my 19 posts for November to highlight is this one. Bedroom Talk is another post based on reality, but which lends itself to a kind of faction (when you kind of remember stuff but have to elaborate). I posted this on Masturbation Monday.

December

That Bedroom Talk post inspired me to actually write some fiction. I’m really proud of An Advent Diary and am thinking of making it into a rolling story through the year. Perhaps the next instalment will be around Valentines……

At the beginning of December I was happy and proud to find that I was once again recognised in the Top 100 Sex Blogger List. This year I am at 32. My aim is for a top 10 spot, which will need some work both in terms of content and blog structure. I’m up for a challenge,

F4Thought

Zeal

Zeal is defined as: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or objective.

If you read my first few posts my excitement and enthusiasm for the future was palpable. I didn’t know what would happen, whether my foray into the unknown would be a short lived thing. But I embraced the experiences and wrote about them in this blog. It would be impossible to write for 7 years without some zeal and I tend to approach most projects with the same enthusiasm. But this can be tiring and can’t be sustained over a long period. So many times over the years my words have dried up and I have questioned the blog’s purpose. I’m sure that will continue to occur from time to time.

Purpose

In the past I was always heading in some kind of direction, there were goals to achieve, decisions to be made. Things are different now. This blog has become a record of the here and now, it’s a place to write my thoughts and feelings and post photos of those experiences.

My breast cancer experience gave me a new reason for writing. I was angry and scared. Writing about what was happening helped me process and articulate my thoughts. As always it has also produced a lasting memory. The next part of that journey will be my breast reconstruction, which I intend to write about in depth. And Zeal will be required to see it through to a conclusion, since it requires major surgery.

Readership

I still try to write for myself, but know that others read what I have to say. I participate in memes, mainly to help with inspiration. But also because I want to take part, to join in. Of course this could lead to a loss of focus on the main purpose of the blog (if there was one), or the quality of what is published. I hope that isn’t the case.

My main reader is Master. He still looks back at old posts as well as reading the new. He and I have many discussions about my blog content, which I think is healthy. Otherwise my readership is growing and I love that is happening. I guess it gives me permission to branch out into topics that people would like me to write about.

Zealous to the end

This has been my 4th year of participating in the A to Z of blogging. As always I started with zeal and even planned ahead. I think my choice of using the 7 years of material on the blog was a good one. But I underestimated the work involved in finding the right links for each post. It involved reading an awful lot of old posts, some of which I would rather have left alone. However, it is done and there is really only one post (UVW), a 3 in one post, that I’m not happy with. Time, the fact I have written about topics before and a small amount of apathy, played a part. But I have made it to Z with zeal.

I am not sure there will be a 5th year though. I think I have run out of energy for this one.

YKINMK

There is an acronym widely used in the BDSM world: your kink is not my kink (YKINMK). Added to which Your kink is ok (YKIOK).

This recognises that no two relationships are the same and that we need to respect that fact. Many people portray kink and BDSM as if there were only one way (a true way). But of course that is not the case.

I write a lot about my relationship with my Master, which we define as Master / slave. We have few protocols and rules and our dynamic ebbs and flows. It works for us and we take it very seriously. But the M/s relationship of other couples will be different and that is fine with us. We respect their relationship and wouldn’t dream of telling them they are doing it wrong.

But there are people out there who take great pleasure in advising others that their way is the true way and that yours is wrong. You can find quite a bit of this kind of advice on Fetlife and some message boards and chat sites. Generally I try to keep clear of those these days.

A great place for information and advice is Missy and His Lordship’s website: The Safeword D/s Club. There you will find forums and chat which will help you make up your own mind. Of course there are others, such as fetish.com, alt.com where Master and I met. But you always need to beware that not everyone is who they say they are. Plus there will always be people who try to tell you that their way is the only way.

Some years ago, fellow bloggers coined another acronym – TTWD – The thing we do. The thing you do is fine, it is unique to you and I guess it means the same as YKINMK. Remember though, YKIOK. Just don’t ram it down my throat, keep it to your blog. And I’ll do the same.

X rated

Until 2015 most of the photos that appeared on my blog were of other people, often found on Tumblr. It was really participating in February Photofest that year, and then Sinful Sunday that encouraged my exhibitionist nature to emerge. From the start of our relationship Master photographed me during play and sex. But over time I have become more willing to show those images on my blog. At one time I would never have shown my face, but I worry less about that now. I feel I have less to lose by being discovered. Plus there are times when you need at least part of your face visible to be able to appreciate the full enjoyment of the moment that has been captured. This is such an image. It is pretty X-rated and now not even safe for Tumblr, let alone work!

An image of me enjoying the pleasure of my Master's cock.
Sinful Sunday

Unique, Vanilla, Weekends

Unique

I wanted to write about the amazing and unique folks I have met in real life and encountered online as part of this blogging journey. From the start I found the support and encouragement provided by other bloggers was unrivalled. Many of the blogs I read in those early days have unfortunately gone. But the comments of those bloggers on my posts remain. It was through reading and commenting that led them to me. I can’t underestimate the importance of supporting each others work, of commenting and providing constructive feedback. So if you find a blog and visit regularly, then comment. You and they are a unique bunch of people.

Vanilla

I have a category on my blog labelled: Vanilla family life. There was a time when my life was clearly decided between my vanilla life and kinky pursuits. A time when I juggled family and relationships, work and play time. But as external elements to my current relationship fell away, so have the posts in that category.

Yesterday I met with my husband and agreed that finally we will divorce. It pains me that for so many years, I wrote that this day was imminent. Only to discover that another year went by and little seemed to have changed.

It is only now that I can look back and see that changes had been incremental and that the day would come when that part of my life would be complete. That day is almost here.

There will always be vanilla family times. I have responsibilities as a mother and daughter. But increasingly we live our life in the way we want. The balance has definitely shifted.

Weekends away

Weekends away are an important interlude when you are working. Indeed they still are. From the beginning of the blog I wrote about the fun that went with a weekend spent away from home, often in a hotel. The most memorable from the previous relationship with S was when we met up with another couple in Warwick. This included my one and only sexual encounter with another woman. It also included DP with her partner and S. I struggle to this day to express my feelings about it all, other than to say sensory overload occured. I guess it is still the kinkiest thing I have done.

When Master and I are away for the weekend we try to capture a Sinful Sunday opportunity along the way. That way we have a record of the lovely rooms, beautiful mirrors, bathrooms and other fun things that happen along the way.

Memories are made and recorded and sometimes blogged about later. These days though we don’t always have to go away at the weekend. Sometimes it might be a Monday night….

Travel

One of the greatest pleasures in my life now, is that I am able to travel to new places. But also that I get to do it with a man who so enjoys exploring new places and showing me places he has visited before. We are fortunate to be able to go away from home frequently, for short breaks and longer. I mention my travels frequently on my blog, and use opportunities that arise for photography.

Below is a few of our favourite places.

France

In 2013 I was made redundant and took the decision to buy a small apartment in the south west of France. This little bolthole of mine is somewhere I have travelled to alone, with my son, my mum and with Master. I own it with my ex (for reasons that were clear at the time, but are less so now) but have never visited with him. It is close to the City where Master spent a year as a student and in an area I have visited for almost 20 years.

Our first visit together was within a couple of months of meeting and our most recent was last week. We will always return there when we want some time to ourselves away from our normal life.

Lisbon

The first place Master took me to was Lisbon. In June 2014 would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. Even though we were living apart, being anywhere near my ex on the day would have felt wrong. I was feeling vulnerable, wondering if I had done the right thing and getting away was just what I needed. Lisbon was wonderful, even though our luggage got lost and I had hardly any clothes to wear. We were able to see most of the sites and generally explore the city together. At the time I expected this holiday to be a one off. Instead it turned into something much more.

We returned to Lisbon on our way to Cape Verde in February. I’d like to see much more of Portugal though.

Amsterdam

Master lived in Amsterdam for 5 years and he is a great tour guide for all of the places the books don’t really cover. But be prepared to walk miles and to find yourself in some weird and wonderful places. We visited in August 2014 and again in the November. When he booked a most amazing hotel room with jacuzzi bath and sauna in the room. It was a special treat following the death of my dad. Since then we have visited several more times and will return in May. This time though, we will also be exploring more of Holland and The Netherlands. We plan on that trip to meet up with Marie and Master T.

Spain

Master has visited Spain many times, it is one of his favorite countries to holiday in. He first took me to Andalucia for Easter in 2015. Since then we have visited Northern Spain around the Pyrenees, but have also been back to Seville a couple of times. We spent Christmas there in 2015 and returned for the Feria last year. This is another area of the Europe I think we will visit over and again.

Submission

I have written a lot about submission on this blog. The whole thing started with my discovery that I was a submissive person. That my need to please others, to lead a structured and orderly life had a name.

But what is clear from reading back, I really had no idea what I was getting into. I craved the control of another, for someone to take the lead, to tell me what I should do. But had no real idea the extent to which I wanted to be sexually dominated. Then once that had happened, that I would need so much more from my submission.

During 2012/13 when the whole consept of D/s was new to me I answered a series of questions (30 days of submission). Later when this relationship was new, in 2014 I revisited them. Links to the posts are here.

Key points from 2012 /13

Our D/s was mainly confined to the bedroom (and other places we had sex). Control came through the way S expected me to dress. Stockings and heels were his thing and I complied. I also started to wear more skirts and dresses.

When we were together there was a lot of sex. It was also pretty ritualistic, i.e. everything happened in a particular order. It was exciting, but it later transpired that he was busy ticking things off a D/s checklist.

This is not to undermine the great times we had together, or that I learnt a lot about sex and something about D/s.

Key points from 2014

The first thing I learnt when I met Master, was that all relationships (D/s or vanilla) are different. Next, I learned that I didn’t know as much about D/s, submission or BDSM as I thought.

It took me a while to work out if this submission thing was for real or play. Yes, there was quite a bit of play in those early days. But there was more to it. There were rules about dress and how we addressed each other. But there were other aspects of behaviour which Master sought to control from the start. Already, in May 2014 I had a view of the kind of submissive I might want to be.

Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.

18 May 2014
And today

I am the same person I was in 2012 and 2014. I enjoy being dominated in the play room or bedroom. I will follow rules, but often forget unless reminded. But the key element of my submission the extent to which I need to be controlled. I have handed over so much of the control I have over my own life that I almost feel like a different person.

That isn’t to say that I don’t make decisions for myself. But increasingly I feel the need to defer to him. I want him to take the lead and when he can’t for some reason I become anxious. I like that he has this power over me and when he is able to exert control it makes me feel safe and secure.

Submission is exactly what I thought it would be. But it is also very different. It is also something that is difficult to describe and no doubt I will need to return to.

Questions

I put a request out on Twitter for questions for the A to Z blogging prompt Q. The one question received was from @May_Matters

Her question was: Who was your first crush?

When I was about 13 I fell in love with a boy from the 6th form at school. He looked something like Bryan Ferry and was tall, dark and in my mind very handsome. I don’t believe he ever knew I existed.

My friend Wendy fancied his mate. She also knew where he lived (just around the corner from her). We spent weekends and an entire summer holiday walking past his house and generally stalking him. At school we joined extracurricular events we wouldn’t otherwise have bothered with, because Steve and Pete were running them or part of the crew. Unfortunately many of the competitions etc. were run on a house basis and neither of us were in their houses. This made so much school activity something of a waste. But we were able to get good seats for house competitions we weren’t part of that meant we could watch them.

Looking back this behaviour was mighty weird and just a little sinister. But I don’t think we ever got in the way to the extent we might have. We did however make up stories involving our prey. Stories where we were already their girlfriends. It’s all very odd really.

This was the first time I remember being aroused in any way (I guess I was a late starter) apart from when I tried my hand at flirting with a farmer on a family holiday. Thankfully he was old and wise enough to humour me without ever leading me into any danger.

The following year spent a few months getting to know my next door neighbour rather well. This involved meetings at the back of our houses, lots of chat, some snogging and a bit of groping. That was fun, but a more solo activity. While still friends, Wendy and I never went in for joint stalking activities again. Though she did go out with one of my cousins for a while.

I don’t know what became of Steve. He went to University and by the time he returned I was busy elsewhere and was never tempted to walk past his parents house on the off chance of seeing him.

Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.