Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don’t really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night – the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn’t quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His – I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn’t emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I shouldn’t cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn’t need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Thoughts for a Saturday morning

At last this girl got to chat with her Master again last night. As she did so, she marvelled at the delights of Skype. Indeed this girl spent a lot of time on Skype last night since afterwards she also chatted to her friend destiny, but more of that later.

For a while, this girl chatted to Master fully clothed, even though He wasn’t – but then he hadn’t actually got dressed yet. This girl told Him about her day and other events. Eventually this girl asked Him about their conversation on Tuesday. The conversation when they discussed this girl’s status as His submissive and when He asked her if she was ready to be His slave.

This girl was instructed to show Him her mark, which of course she did. He seemed pleased with it, even though it seemed to have worn off a bit during the day, despite the apparent permanent ink. At this point she also took off her top, she hadn’t actually been wearing much anyway. Master quizzed this girl about the things she had been doing and the extent to which she felt that they were carried out for Him – this is something this girl wrote about yesterday on her journey page – she told him how much that was the case and described some examples. They also discussed a blog post this girl is going to write later, one which is difficult for this girl to do and which became one of her tasks for today. This girl imagines that He loves a slave who works out her own tasks! The second one will be more physical and was set by Him. It is to do with the final clear out of the spare room, one which can mean that this girl removes hubby from the marital bed once and for all.

Master knows that while this job was started last week, this girl might continue to procrastinate for a while if He did not suggest that she get on with it. What is more, pretty much telling her to get on with it this weekend is important. If this girl wants to be His slave then she knows that she needs to do it. She also knows this is part of His way of moving her along towards the marriage end, and this is something this girl really needs to happen now.

Finally this girl and Master got onto the topic of orgasms. She is now allowed to have as many orgasms as she needs until He returns from his trip, but is expected to tell him about them after (this girl has further clarified that details are required which will be fun). This girl wondered if she should restrict the orgasms going forward, but the look on His face told her that this was not what He wanted. This girl knows that actually Master believes it is good for His girl to orgasm as she needs to and this girl feels that she might have an increased need after all. It is just she needs to be mindful of the piercings so as not to become too sore.

This girl then spent a wonderful couple of hours with her friend destiny. We two girls are starting to get to know each other well and at present are both separated from our Masters. This girl is finding having someone like destiny around is becoming important to her, especially as they can offer each other a slightly different perspective and understanding on their submission to each other. While we are very different people in terms of our personalities, we are trying to get to the same point. This girl is learning to be less overpowering to people (though she didn’t ever necessarily feel the confidence she seems to show), while destiny is learning to have greater confidence to take more control over certain aspects of her life. This girl thinks that the friendship they are beginning to share will only grow as time goes on.

Now this girl had better get out of bed and on with the tasks she must do today. After all she wants to know what her Master is pleased with her and that she is a good girl. His good girl.

Communication in relationships – is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents – my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all – I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won’t repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn’t have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can’t get to the root of the problem, and she can’t get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn’t very happy either. I can’t help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Feeling better at last

During the past week my mood and feeling of well being has swung between happiness and despair; well that’s how it has felt. Just over a week ago I spent the most amazing evening with Sir and was as happy as can be. I had also been as submissive as I possibly ever had been.

This morning, I felt as if I was starting to return to as close to that state as I can be without having Him here and without the aid of orgasms or toys. I feel that I need to devote a bit of time at the weekend to getting myself back to the mind frame of being ‘this girl’. 
After an anxious week with my dad we had some good news that the cancer is not as we feared in his spine and he has now rallied a bit. I am looking forward to giving he and my mum some time at the weekend.
This week I have had little contact with Sir. Knowing in advance that this would be the case hasn’t helped as my mood, and feelings have swung wildly. At times I have wanted to tell him I don’t think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do.

Also this week I have been for relationship counselling. This is about ending my marriage and in one way was useful. It helped  me clarify where I have got to in ending my marriage. But it is very difficult to think about that relationship in isolation especially when my mind is on Sir and the relationship complications that brings with it.

The weekend feels a positive place. To take stock and to look forward. It is a place to acquaint myself with my submission. I just hope that I am able to have more contact with Him than an email or text. Otherwise, I don’t know how long this good feeling will last!

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches – one we won’t be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn’t tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir’s pen.

Ok, so he hasn’t actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don’t want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir’s girl.

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said “one and a half”, but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn’t really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn’t there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called “The world of Joolz”. Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don’t feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.

This girl’s submission

This has been a holiday weekend, plus, this girl has tagged a couple of extra days on so that she has a good break from work. That means that Sir and this girl have been able to spend 3 nights together.

This morning we lay in bed until very late. This girl commented on how calm she felt; how she is able to lie next to Sir and just be. Of course that being, involves Sir playing with His girl as He wants.  
This girl and Sir discussed recent blog posts, the effect of the piercings on her submission; they have made her feel her submission so much more. Sir likes this effect on this girl. This weekend has marked 3 months since Sir and this girl first met. It is also the last weekend that they can spend together for a while. This morning was important to us both, hence the reluctance to get out of bed. 
We discussed those first few dates and the way that Sir knew that this girl wanted to submit. The look He saw in her eyes and the feelings that this girl had during that time. We also discussed the fact that this girl thought she knew all about submission at that time but since then she has leant so very much.
What this girl knew about was sexual submission. Something important to both of us.  She knew about giving herself to a Dominant, however right then she didn’t know just how deep that submission could reach, how important it could be to her. She didn’t understand how important ownership of a girl’s orgasms were. How by giving up control could liberate her. She had no idea that it was possible to orgasm with little or no physical contact. She certainly does now.
In the past this girl has thought about piercings, however she had no idea that those piercings could take her deeper than she could imagine. That by admitting that they belonged to another they would give her a sense of fulfilment that she could only dream of. Being owned by another is so much more important to this girl than she knew. It is only a week since they were done, but already that much is clear.
But submission is not just about sex. It is about how an individual lives their life. Sir and this girl talked about the post regarding rules. Sir asked if this girl thought she needed more rules, perhaps tasks. But they agreed she does not. what she needs is to be able to live her life in the way that she knows Sir would be pleased with.  The rules don’t need to be created, they exist in this girl’s normal life. She knows how she should deal with situations at work and home, she knows the things she needs to do. Sir knows that too and by actually living in that way she knows that Sir will be pleased with her.
This girl faces a difficult few weeks. Sir will be away, He will be concentrating on the other important person in His life. This girl has had most of His attention for the past few months and now His attention must shift. This girl must be mindful of this and concentrate on being the submissive he wants and needs.  She needs to abide by the rules that are not actually articulated but exist. She must be His good girl. Only by doing these things will this girl be the submissive she desires and needs to be.

Mood swings, but coping

This girl is trying to prepare for the next month by coping better with her feelings. The highs lately have been very high, but then the lows are very very low.

It isn’t anything very serious that drags this girl down either. It seems to be very little things. Last night it was coming home from my book club to find the curtains and blinds sill open, hubby asleep on the sofa, the kitchen in a mess. This morning it was hubby having a late start. It can be Sir not responding to my texts. It is stupid things.

This week this girl has been trying to focus much more on parts of the day. Using lists to get her through, concentrating on tasks – at work, at home. After a rocky start and grumpiness with Sir on Monday, this girl has been concentrating and trying much harder.  She has got lots done at work with another day to come tomorrow. She has hubby here tonight but feels positive. As Sir would say – Girl, it can be done.

………………………..
The piercings are going pretty well.
The nipples are generally sore, but they are clean and dry and don’t look as sore as they feel. The regular pain this week has helped to keep this girl centred. To remind her that she is submissive and that she has done this to please him, to enhance the pain and pleasure for them both and also for her. 
The clitoral hood, well that was most painful on the day and gives no pain. However this girl is already in a constant state of arousal. This will be the thing He uses to remind her and anyway, how will she forget if she is constantly wet!!!
………………….
The weekend approaches. This girl knows they will have fun. She knows it is their last weekend together for a while. But she knows managing her moods will be the key. Over the coming weeks this girl will need to focus to remember her submission and to control those moods. She will cope.

Used

That sums up this weekend for this girl; a slut, used by her Sir.

It has been a long holiday weekend here in the UK and it has been a busy one.  On Friday, this girl headed off to the south west of the country for a family lunch. In the absence of a husband or son accompany to her this girl’s niece who is 16 kept her company in the car. This was as well, as all of the warnings about Easter weekend traffic came to bear. A 2 hour journey became 4 hours. However, it was worth the journey as the food and company was superb. The late arrival, however meant that this girl and Sir didn’t get to see each other until Saturday.

Sir had obviously spend some of that time thinking through how He wanted to use this girl; she wasn’t disappointed.

When this girl arrived at Sir’s house, He took immediate possession of this girls body. Undoing her clothes and touching her. Without being told to, since she knew it was what He wanted, this girl stripped.

This girl knelt on the bed, her ankles shackled, a spreader bar keeping her legs wide. Sir inserted a butt plug (a larger one than usual), a dildo into her cunt and demanded some orgasms using the hitachi.  This girl was flogged, maybe whipped (who knows which of his implements he was using) as the pain and pleasure merged. Later He used the violet wand on her, or perhaps before, this girl always has difficulty in identifying the order things happen in. This girl definitely experienced more pain than before but knows that she can and will take more in the future. Finally, Sir fucked this girl, using her cunt and arse before cumming in her mouth. This girl felt incredibly used and ever more horny for knowing that it was for His pleasure.

This girl feels her submission so much more when He gives the impression that He is just taking what is His. When he tells her she is a slut, a whore or his favourite; a bitch. Even when He told her she was useless fuckmeat she felt proud, fulfilled. This girl now cums for her Sir, just because she is feeling used. Sometimes He isn’t actually touching her when this happens.

Essentially this girl is just a possession of His, to use as He wants. What is more, she just loves it.

This was playing on the radio as this girl drove home:

The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don’t quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

……………………………….
This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.
Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can’t tell the difference.
Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being. 
It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.
Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment. 
This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that. 
Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.