Thoughts on pain

I struggle, even after all this time to understand my body’s reaction to pain. After all pain is meant to be a stimulus that warns us that things are not right, that we should take flight. But the right kind of pain delivered in a certain way isn’t at all like that.

Until I met S, I had never participated in play where pain led to sexual arousal. But when he told me that flogging my backside with a leather implement made my cunt ooze I felt excited. And so began a wonderful journey to pain and arousal.

Pain isn’t a huge element in the relationship Master and enjoy. But it is an important one. Pain is something reserved for play. The intimacy we exerience when I am leant over a bench, legs spread is unique. For him, the time he spends feeling between my legs for my reaction is as important as the impact of the lashes inflicted upon my cheeks.

I glow red for minues or perhaps an hour. But the effect on my cunt can last for days. I am a pain slut, but you won’t see the evidence visually. Instead the signs are subtle. Pain brings out my submissive nature, it helps me feel and see who I am. It shows him the impact (in many ways) of his actions and reminds me of what I am.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Wayback when

I have a few photos that were taken before I regularly posted anything of myself. Wayback then, I was a little more worried about showing pictures of myself. Especially those of me in a somewhat compromising situation. Things have changed over the years.

This photo was taken at the very beginning of our relationship, almost exactly 5 years ago. At the end of our second or third playdate (I think). What you can’t see here (and I might show it another day) is my red pussy which had just been pumped. Not only did he clamp my nipples, but also used the zipper and spreader bar. The intensity of pain and of pleasure that day is something I can still remember even though I am short on details. It may have happened wayback when, but this is the first time I have shared this photo here.

February Photofest

Celebration

This week we received the best news possible, a real cause for celebration. The Oncotype test, which identifies the risk of cancer recurring came back with a score of 3. Ranked out of 100, 3 is almost as low as you can get and means I have a 1% chance of dying from cancer in the next 5 years. This means I can now get on with living my life and pretty much forget about cancer. 

First though there is the small matter of radiotherapy, which will start in the middle of January. I will have 15 treatments, daily except for the weekends. This is necessary because the tumour was larger than 5cm. But there is no need for chemotherapy, which is one hell of a relief. 

The tumour was highly oestrogen and progesterone receptor positive, therefore I have been prescribed a drug called Letrozole. This inhibits the production of oestrogen which is still produced by women like me who are post menopausal. This is something I hadn’t known before. So a tablet a day for at least 5 years. There is a possibility of side effects which I’ll talk about if and when they happen.

In other news:

Aches and Pains

I’ve mentioned before about the shooting pains in my right arm that suddenly started about a month ago. These are, thankfully, beginning to subside. I am trying to use my right arm as much as possible and this week managed to vacuum the stairs without too much trouble. Irritatingly I still can’t comfortably lie on my side, not due to the surgery but because of the pain in my arm. Lying on that side seems to start up the pain. Hopefully though that will soon resolve. 

Bra buying

I have now bought 6 new bras. 2 are the front fastening soft ones I bought for post surgery. They may come in handy when I have radiotherapy as my chest is likely to become sore. They may also work well under tee shirts. I have 2 really lovely bras (one pink and the other black), that are really a bit small. I realise I was deluded to think that I was still a 36, though they aren’t massively tight. But my new bigger bras definitely fit better. Interestingly the size 42 I bought from the NHS prosthesis fitter is too big. Even on the tightest hooks there is room for it to slip up. So I am not convinced that 4-5 inches on top of your chest measurement is right. So this week I bought myself a new bra from a company called Nicola Jane. They have a fantastic range of underwear and swimsuits. I’ll be buying more from them in anticipation of our holiday after I finish treatment. This new bra, which is black is particularly for my son’s wedding in 2 weeks. 

I haven’t thrown out any of my old bras, because I don’t yet know which I will be able to wear in the future. There are still plans for a breast reconstruction and I am trying to lose weight. It is coming off, but very slowly. For now though, I am unable to wear anything that doesn’t provide full coverage of my prosthesis. It looks good under my clothes, feels like a breast and so having to wear different bras is a small price to pay. Unfortunately though they don’t hide well under all of my clothes, however I refuse to start wearing high neck tops. They don’t suit me and I hate to have my neck swaddled too much.

Fun and games

Last weekend we attended a social event at a club and were able to play. Master took along a number of implements and seemed to use most of them on me. I was able to comfortably get onto the bench and lie on my front while he flogged and otherwise hit my bottom. The endorphin rush was wonderful as it had been 3 months or so since the last time. The marks even lasted a few days, which is unusual. It was also good to sit and chat to friends and eat cake. My first for ages since in the main I have given up sugar. 

After the news on Wednesday we decided that a celebration was in order and so went out for dinner. We are out a lot anyway, but this was different, special. When Master suggested it, I realised that we should mark good news like this in some way. The next milestone will be after radiotherapy and for that celebration we are planning a holiday to warmer climbs. More of that once we have dates etc. 

For now, I leave you with a picture of my latest bra purchase. I can’t promise there won’t be more…..

I am wearing my new black bra

A landmark event for MPB – Public Play

Sunday was our second visit to CMnf. This twice yearly event, held at a kink club is for Male Dominants and female submissives and is one where the man is clothed, the female naked.

This was actually our third visit to the club because we also attended a pre-Christmas event. On both previous visits one or other of us had been in the throws of a cold / virus or just recovering. This time though we were both fully fit and so Sunday marked our first public play event. Master took along some of his favourite toys to use on his slave.

Arrival

As soon as we arrived, I went off to change. Last time, it was pretty cold in the main play / seating area and so I decided to wear stockings and heels. I was otherwise naked. My fellow female subs and slaves ranged from being totally naked to wearing body jewellery, under breast corsets and other lingerie. The men of course were all wearing suits. It took me just moments to lose any inhibitions and as I sat chatting I forgot I and they were naked.

A main topic was the previous weekend’s eroticon as a number of us had been there. It was lovely to catch up with Molly, Michael and Cara and Sub Bee and her partner among others. Except for Cara who was there for the first time, the others are seasoned CMnf attendees. We also chatted to a couple of other couples we have met there before. To be frank, I am beginning to feel I really belong there.

Public Play Time

We hadn’t eaten lunch before arriving at the club on Sunday. Caused by drinking a little too much wine, a late night and losing an hour’s sleep. So we waited until we had eaten a little of the buffet provided. Meantime, we watched others playing, chatted and Master kept me warm with a few strokes of his fingers.

At last it was time for us to play. He wanted to violet wand me first so cuffed and blindfolded me and secured me while seated to a bench. I struggled to relax. It was such a long time since we had indulged in impact play and it was going on all around me. I wanted to enjoy the violet wand and to take the orgasms granted me, but needed impact more.

So we moved to a bench that I could lie on. As the flogging began, I began to relax and enjoy my submission in a way I haven’t in such a long time. As usual I have little idea of the toys he used. Some were more pleasant than others but all were received with pleasure and relief. Well, maybe not pleasure exactly but certainly they were welcome. I noticed the sound of other floggers and impact objects hitting my fellow subs. Sometimes everything appeared to hit home in unison. I found the sounds comforting.

Afterwards I felt floaty in a way I haven’t in a long time. I actually refused an orgasm during play, but had been given several earlier that morning.

Thoughts

For a long time I have been anxious that public play would make me self aware in a way I didn’t like. Even knowing I am an exhibitionist who has previously enjoyed public humiliation. My fears were not recognised and I absolutely loved the experience. It helped to have been able to get to know the environment, the people and to watch others. But now it has happened to me, I want this much more. I really hope that Master decides to take me to other places where we can play in public but that we return to CMnf next time.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Zipped -Throwback Thursday!

This photo is from the early days of our relationship when it was more about play than anything else. During one of our early play dates Master used the zipper on me. From the look of this He had also applied some kind of implement to my thighs. It has been a while, but when those pegs come off you feel some serious pain. I hate to admit it, but that is something I would really like to experience again!

Centred

Since getting back from holiday, life has been busy and stressful. Most of this stress has come from one particular place, or should I say person. I have never enjoyed the kind of relationship with my mum that either of us might have wanted. She always says it is because we are too similar, I sincerely hope that is not true since she is currently behaving very badly.

I know that the set back of the fractured hip was a big blow to her and has dented her confidence along with her hard fought for mobility. But it would be so nice if she could be at least pleasant about it. Instead me and my brothers are being made to feel less than useful. Despite spending so much of our time off from work running around doing things for her.

Things came to a head at the beginning of this week when the cleaner gave her the sack. No, she didn’t sack the cleaner, it happened the other way round. By text, to me. Apparently she is rude, inconsiderate and two faced. These accusations are pretty much true.  But I never thought that she was like that with someone who comes in for an hour or two once a week. It would be true to say that the fact she is the friend of my brother’s girl friend might have contributed, but I really didn’t need this kind of stress this week.

Friday is now my regular day off and they stretch ahead of me as a day when I have to help mum. I should be keen to help of course, I want to be and to a certain extent I am. But at the same time, I dread it. The harsh words, the way she is only interested in herself, and the way everything I and everyone else does is just not good enough. This week was no exception, and culminated in a number of short sharp phone messages because I had bought her the kind of fish that I should know that she hates!

A few times this last week I have been a bit on the bratty side with Master. That and I have challenged things He has said and done. This is something that He doesn’t like; particularly if like me the other person is hell bent on arguing the point for far too long.

So after a great day out on Saturday – a girlie lunch, a film and dinner with Master – I ended up passing much of the journey home fuming. I was both upset and angry and still believed I was right.

In bed, He held me and told me He was sorry and that He had noticed that I have been much more stressed lately. I said sorry too and all was well, we slept.

Sunday morning arrived and as we lay in bed together there was no sign of what was to come. He suddenly jumped out of bed and told His slave to get on all fours, then He piled up some pillows for her to lie on and secured her wrists in cuffs by her ankles. A mixture of pain and pleasure then ensued. The pleasure of the hitachi and the pain of various floggers, paddles and a cane. Every time the pain seemed to be getting a little much back came the hitachi and with it an orgasm was permitted.

He instructed this girl to get on top and to ride His cock. This is a favourite position for both of us. He likes to have access to His slave’s body and to control her movements from below. Next He took her arse. Boy did He take this girl in a way He really hasn’t for a long time.

For both of us this was as much about redefining the whole Master / slave relationship as anything. It was about His power and her submission. For the first time in months this girl found herself floating into His body. She felt her mind clearing and all thoughts of anyone and anything else leave her. She was His slave and He her Master. Lastly she was allowed to finish Him off with her mouth, a perfect ending for us both.

It is so easy in any relationship for life to just take over and for couples to forget the important things.  Thankfully Master recognised the signs and now His slave is centred again and remembers just who she is, what she is and indeed her place.

Of course, none of this makes me wrong, or Him right but sometimes a slave just needs to know when to shut her mouth and I definitely need practice at that!

February photofest – Day 4 – zipped

This photo was taken by Master on, I think, our second play date, about a week or two into our relationship. It was my first encounter with ‘the zipper’.  Some other activities must have taken place already that day, since there are marks on my legs, what, I can’t really remember.

You will see that I am shaved. This is not the case now, it it a rule that I have a little bush, for Master’s pleasure. But more of that later in the month.

Sir’s girl

This is now written indelibly on the girl’s body, just above the little mound of hair she is growing for Sir. She will reapply the ink as it fades over the next few weeks.

Last evening Sir took this girl for His use. There was pain and orgasm.  He filled this girl’s holes and He fed her (and not just with food). He photographed the piercings that He owns.

They chatted, but at the same time, both were a little reflective. On His return, this girl wants to offer more of herself to Him and hopes He will take more control from her.

Tomorrow both Sir and this girl will be leaving the country, but to different places. This girl will be back on Monday and over the next few weeks, while Sir is away she will blog as she wants and needs.

Questions

I have tori to thank for my first questions, so here goes:

Do you fear how far you might go in your submission i.e. things perhaps you were sure you would never do, or do you just feel excitement

As far as I can see things right now, I am pretty much open to most ideas. I thought I didn’t like too much pain, but it turns out that actually I do. So far, Graeme tells me He has held back on the pain front and I probably can’t argue with that as I definitely haven’t reached any kind of limit with Him on that. 
But actually I don’t think pain and humiliation are my greatest challenge. For me it is about how i change my behaviours when i am with Him. Over the past couple of days we have discussed this quite a bit. For the most part when we are out together i am happy to just let him take the lead, but every now and then the me that wants to take over just, well, takes over. 
i am clear that my submission now is about expanding the boundaries around giving up control in new ways. Perhaps not jumping in to organise things in a restaurant? Perhaps stepping back when i normally would wade in? 
For me this is something new and equally something that i have spoken of. I have taken so much control during my marriage, letting go in real life situations is quite tricky. That is my challenge. 
What 3 things are high on your kink list?

This is harder, since i have done quite a lot!!
First i would like to try the girl thing again. Last time, well although it was fun i didn’t really think it was for me. But if that was what was wanted of me, to please my Dom then yes, i would be happy to go again.
Second really is piercings – not essentially kink but the reason for them and the things that could be done because of them are kinky. Graeme and i have been discussing nipple and clit hood piercings for me. i am pretty sure they will happen this year. and then the kinky sky might well be my oyster
So i am now seeing Gadget Man, and in the past month i have been exposed to experiences that i could never have imagined. I think my fantasy would be a new toy He hasn’t tried before and for which i am His first guinea pig.

These are my first March Questions – does anyone have any more?

Pain and submission

So yesterday i talked about the request from New Dom that i refer to myself in the third person while submitting. For various reasons i struggled with this yesterday. My feeling is that i find it quite difficult is because as an extrovert, i tend not to think all that much about what i say before i say it.  This is useful when i am at work, thinking on my feet. But when you are asked to change the way in which you articulate your thoughts it is quite hard. What should be easier is writing events down in the third person, indeed i have done this before. The rest of this post details my latest ‘date’ with New Dom.

………………………………..
Instructions for dress this time, were something short, high heels and no underwear. This girl for once was ahead of the game. She had already chosen a new short dress to wear that morning, though with jeans. There was little effort involved in removing the underwear, exchanging boots for shoes and taking off her jeans.In fact the jeans were removed at the very last minute and slipped into girl’s bag. She slipped on her shoes and then her coat which barely covered the dress or indeed her bare arse and walked to her car, parked on the driveway. She was relieved that no neighbours appeared to be loitering outside!
The journey took around 35 minutes, but this girl had to concentrate a little more as firstly it was very windy and secondly she wasn’t used to driving in her heels.
Before any play was to take place, this girl was going to get a chance to chat to New Dom’s slave. As mentioned previously, this conversation was necessary for both subs so that they could be clear about slave’s willingness for this arrangement to go ahead. First He spoke and then this girl was in the hot seat. This girl can’t pretend she wasn’t nervous about what might be said, but in the event she need not have worried. It seems pretty clear that both subs are going to get on well and that this girl has permission to give New Dom the service he needs right now. How this pans out into the future can’t be known at the moment but lets just say there are no restrictions on how this girl and He should proceed.
Relieved at the outcome this girl was only too pleased to go with Sir to the playroom. What happened over the next couple of hours is a bit of a blur. Not just because girl was blindfolded and gagged but because of the sensations that passed through her body at an alarming rate. Nipple play was pretty much first, clamped and then with pegs attached to her breasts. Apparently this girl has very firm breasts (well she knows she does of course, but He told her they were firm), probably making it quite difficult to get purchase on the pegs. Already she had a bug plug in place, but then there was a vibe in her cunt and He busied himself with the electric wand thing. before she knew where she was, this girl was had the hitachi on her clit and very soon she had the most amazing orgasm.  This orgasm was demanded and was forced on her. The sensation of this was beyond description.At some point, before or after this the pegs were pulled off using some kind of system He had set up. Nipple pain and pleasure is something that this girl can’t get enough of.  Sir is already spending time torturing this girls nipples and using this to demand orgasm. Nipple pleasure for this girl causes submission. That is pretty much beyond debate.
Events are sounding so vague now, that this girl thinks she might even ask Sir to list the order of play so she can get it down here in the right order! Given that he has taken to reading this blog, i am sure He and girl will discuss this and probably have something of a laugh about it!
What this girl does know is that next, she was then on her tummy, legs spread using the spreader bar and she was subjected to more pain than she had experienced before. Firstly S wasn’t massively into pain and secondly this Sir has far more in the way of objects with which to inflict pain. The implements used are kind of irrelevant, what is important is that this girl discovered what she probably knew all along – she is one hell of a pain slut.
During pretty much all of this, girl was either gagged or too deeply in her place to speak and so had no trouble with speaking in the third person. Hell she was happy to just groan and cry out as appropriate.
Later though Sir and his slut lay together kissing and stroking each other. This girl then proceeded to drift in and out of submission. She had much more difficulty speaking in the required way when she drifted out than when He touched or inflicted pain on her in some way that brought her back to a place where he wanted her. When He pointed this out to her, she came up with her thoughts about being extrovert.
This girl has reflected on this since and thinks that she will just need to get her head around it or else just shut up and allow herself to remain in submission for longer rather than fighting it all of the time. Of course, this girl has lots to say, most of the time, so this is going to be a hard enough task of its own, let alone actually trying not to use words such as ‘I’ or ‘me’.
The act of submission for joolz is something that she is thinking about a lot these days. This task is difficult for her, but there is no doubt that success will lead her towards her goal of being much more the submissive that she would like and that Her Dom demands.
…………………………..
There is much more to this ‘date’, but that will come tomorrow.