Introducing D/s into a vanilla relationship

This is something that I never did. When I started to read about Dominance and submission the one thing I knew deep down was that I didn’t want to try such a thing with my then husband. There are a number of reasons for this.

The relationship has run it’s course

We had been married for nearly 30 years when I strayed. The relationship had limped along for years, more a friendship than a love affair. Of course, it is inevitable that a long-lasting relationship will lack that first flush of passion. Ours involved very little sex by the end, but it was more fundamental than that. I actually began to dislike being together, living in the same house. The little irritations that had been there all along started to play on my mind and feel much bigger than they probably were.

When I began to look for more excitement in my sex life and for a different type of relationship I knew that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted, no matter how hard we tried.

He is not able to be dominant and I don’t want to be

I’m as sure as I can be that my husband would have been amenable to trying D/s. But he really isn’t able to be dominant all of the time. No doubt I could have switched with him, but the more I discovered about D/s the more I knew that would never work. I craved someone who would not only take me in hand in the bedroom, but who would carry it through.

The benefit of time and a good M/s relationship has proved me right

Looking at my life now and the interactions I still have with my ex show me that I am right. Also my observation of his current relationship is that my ex’s new partner is the more dominant one. She has picked up where I left off and provides the guiding hand that I became so tired of providing.

I know that I need the dominance of my Master. I need him to provide me with structure and control. I need the sex life we have, one which is kinky and exciting. I want and need the play that he plans and controls.

I know that many people have moved from a long standing vanilla relationship into a D/s one. I know that the change has saved a number of relationships. But I am sure that it would have been a disaster for me and may have prevented me from finding the happiness I now have.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Dominant

It wasn’t until I started to read about Dominance and submission that I realised I needed a dominant. And until I had been dominated in the bedroom I truly know that I am submissive. But I did and I am.

Back in 2012 I tackled the 30 days of submission meme. Day 26 asked what I was looking for in a dominant partner. I wrote this:

 i wanted my dominant to be well dominant. i wanted him to tell, not ask and essentially that is what i got. i wanted him to help me to push the boundaries and that is what i got. 

i wanted more sex, i wanted to try sex in ways i had never tried before, i wanted to submit. i wanted to dress for him, to parade myself for him, i wanted the humiliation and the excitement. i didn’t know i wanted to be restrained, to be spanked, clamped. But i do.

After my first D/s relationship ended, I knew I wanted another dominant partner. But experience told me that I needed someone who took D/s more seriously. Someone who would expect more from me, the submissive than I had previously experienced. That is exactly what I got.

In October 2014 I revisited the question in relation to my new relationship with Master:

Generally I feel His control all of the time. When we are together of course – He makes the decisions, though offers me choices. I don’t even always choose my own food when we eat out, let alone where we go. When I am on my own, I consider what He might think of my choices around the time I make them. Sometimes I consult with Him and He ‘advises’. Here though, I don’t feel it so easily.

What do I need from my Dominant now?

The main difference between then and now is clarity. We both know what our roles are and who is in charge. There is never a day now that I don’t feel his dominance, or for that matter my submission. Living together brought that clarity, but did having a 5 year relationship behind us. We have had great times together, but tough ones too. By giving up my house to live with Master and by leaving work my dependency on him increased. I never thought I would admit this, but I love the feeling of the power he has over me. I like that I am dependent on him in so many ways.

It is truly weird to write these words, since I struggled for so long to be the mistress of my own destiny. To have control over everything around me. I was quite the control freak.

But don’t imagine I am some weak and feeble individual. Indeed those who read my blog regularly know that already. But I don’t need to be in charge and don’t need to make all the decisions any more.

I am not completely compliant, far from it. I am frequently described as bratty. Usually I am pushing the boundaries, checking how far I can go. Of course there are times when I need to take care of him too and temporarily take over. When he is ill or a little drunk, for example. But in the main Master has the last word and I know that, he calls the shots. Usually he asks my opinion, but if he doesn’t then it is generally time to just get on with it.

I have chosen to live with a dominant man and by doing so I have discovered the true extent of my submission.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Orgasms

It is over 5 years since I gave up control and ownership of my orgasms. Before that, I didn’t really know that was a thing and even if I had, I doubt I would have understood what it meant.

When I was seeing S, he made me ask permission to cum. This, I have discovered isn’t the same thing as having your orgasms owned and controlled by someone else.

Permission

From the first time I was told to ask for permission to come, I loved it. Here was a man that was actually interested in me having an orgasm. Someone who wanted to experience something of my enjoyment to feel the moment. My previous experience had been with a man who was really only interested in himself.

Permission was only needed when we were together. When we weren’t and I was getting myself off, then it wasn’t necessary. I thought little about this at the time and continued on my merry way. Just as well, since we only saw each other every 6 weeks or so.

When Master and I got together he put in place the same rule. I was to ask to come when we were together. However he would own my orgasms whether we were together or not.

Ownership

When we lived apart, Master still allowed me to orgasm when we weren’t actually together. However I was to thank him at the moment I came. I pretty much never broke this rule. Amazing really since I have broken plenty other rules over the years. This though brought with it the feeling that we were emotionally joined even when we were apart. It also stopped me making myself come for the sake of it.

When I was seeing S and before that even, I masturbated frequently. I often found the process enjoyable, but once I had reached orgasm felt it anticlimactic. A few minutes later I would feel unfulfilled and start over. Sometimes I would masturbate several times in an evening, afternoon or whatever. But at the end of it all I would be left thinking that there must be more to it than that.

For some reason, masturbating and then having to thank a person not even present seemed to work better for me. During this period, most of my masturbating took place at night. Late when I couldn’t get off to sleep, early when I had been woken by my ex walking into the house or had just been disturbed by a menopausal flush. Sometimes the effect was to send me to sleep, but other times it tended to wake me. Serial orgasms alone didn’t really work for me though, whether I thanked Master or not.

Control

There is more to orgasm control than seeking permission to cum. It is about being told to cum or being told you cannot. It is about being made to wait and being reminded that your body is actually his. This is the world I now inhabit.

I can honestly say that I have not masturbated alone since I have been living with Master. Funnily enough not even when we have been apart. For some, unknown reason I haven’t felt the need to even ask. My toys, regularly used now only come into play when we decide to do so together.

Partly I guess this could be because of the various health related events of the past few months. But more it feels that there is no need. I have the control I need and I don’t need to use a toy when he his only too willing to use his fingers or tongue. Or when a toy is required he is the one holding it. Teasing me and making me beg for my orgasm.

When I look back over the past few years the rule about orgasms hasn’t changed. But the way I experience and enjoy them has. Right at the moment though, because we have both recently suffered form viral illnesses orgasms are seriously lacking for us both.

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Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Explore

This journey of exploration started almost 7 years ago. Knowing I wanted more from life and from sex I dived head first into a world of infidelity, kinky sex, submission and BDSM. Given that Master and I will have been together for 5 years on February 1st this seems a good time to explore what I have learned along the way.

Great sex can’t save a relationship, but bad or no sex can help destroy one

One of the key drivers that led me to stray from my marriage was our almost non existent sex life. That and the fact I didn’t really fancy him any more. I had only had sex with one man and wanted to explore that side of me. Outside of the constraints of that relationship I discovered a whole new world. My husband had quite a low sex drive, and suddenly I was with a man who demanded so much more. I had never had sex that lasted most of the night, rarely sucked a cock and had never actually enjoyed it. Then of course there was the anal sex.

In the long term, a relationship can’t be sustained on sex alone. It wasn’t that S and I didn’t get on together, because we did. We enjoyed doing things together, but differed on expectations of what life might give us. I do enjoy the finer things in life and he was something of a cheapskate (irrespective of whether he had the money to spend or not). I don’t mind admitting I found him something of a know all, sometimes without substance. What’s more we had different ideas about where we were heading and in the end he made the decision for me.

There was no turning back though once I had enjoyed a healthy sex life. So the end of that relationship also proved to be the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Don’t assume you know everything about D/s on the basis of a single relationship

I emerged from the relationship with S imagining I knew everything there was to know. Also that I was more experienced than I actually was. However, what I did know was that I am submissive and want and need someone to give me structure and control.

Within days of meeting Master, I discovered that not all dominants are the same. The intensity of play I experienced on our first few play dates were more than I had known, but I wasn’t phased by it. Maybe in hindsight I should have been and perhaps I should have been more cautious.

However, for the second time I was lucky that I met someone both experienced and kind. We both thought the relationship would be quite casual, but found ourselves attracted in ways that we hadn’t expected.

Polyamory is not for everyone

I’ve never considered myself to be a jealous person, but it turns out I can be. It is also possible for someone you have never met to make your life almost unbearable. If I had known how upset our relationship would make Master’s LDR slave I am not sure he and I would have met in real life. We entered the relationship fully aware of each other, but it didn’t take long for jealousy to raise its head. I’d like to be able to say that it was all her, but really it wasn’t.

We brought out the worst in each other. Both of us wanting to be the most important person in our man’s life. Most of our attempts to engage with each other ended in one or other getting upset. If he had decided to continue with their relationship, ours would have ended. Her mental illness seemed to be projected upon me and I was becoming needy in a way that I had never experienced. I’d like to think that I could share Master with the right other person if he wanted. But I am not sure I could especially if it turned into something long term. Play partners though, that might be something different. But then that is exactly what I was meant to be!

Being owned is just right for me and for us

I have written before about the power Master feels knowing that he owns and controls me. And I revel in the knowledge that I am his slave, owned by him. In many ways we are coming full circle.

In the beginning, when things were new, I often stated that I could feel my submission so clearly that I could almost touch it. That was partly due to the effects of subspace, which was new to me. Being given multiple orgasms and receiving impact play are just two ways this can occur. It puts me into an almost trance like state, leaving the normal world and associated problems elsewhere. This feeling then extended into our life outside the bedroom. Each episode had a beginning and end, usually when one of us went home and normal life resumed. Sometimes I worried about being too needy, especially when we weren’t together.

Now, we spend each day and night together. Our apart time is short, though of course it happens. My submissive feelings aren’t reliant on orgasms, impact play or being told to kneel because they are part of who I am. He is naturally dominant with me. He owns me and what he says goes. Increasingly, I can defer to him, not because of neediness but because I am his property, his responsibility. This gives him the sense of power and it makes me feel safe and protected.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The maid is in the house

Master’s request for me to dress as a maid when i see him on Friday plays into my love of dressing up. Ok so this usually means putting on a little dress or smart trousers or rarely in some kind of fancy dress garb. Yesterday as i was expecting my parcel to arrive and i didn’t want to have to retrieve it from the post office later and because i had a report to right for work i decided to work from home for the morning.

The postman arrived at around 11.30 and it was as much as i could do not to strip off in the living room and get that new outfit on. Ok so that is exactly what i did do! It is black and white and silky. It fits fine, perhaps it is a little bit big, but the smaller size would have been too small i think. The only thing is that it will look better with a good pushup black bra, and i may need to invest in a new one to get the best of effects. As i plan to wear it for much of the day i think it will be ideal. i wore it with some fishnets and some lovely black peep toed 4 inch heeled shoes i have. i couldn’t resist parading infront of the mirror i loved it so much. The skirt rests above the top of the stocking top and is pretty sexy.

i took some photos to send to master – he was very pleased with the effect. So i admit was i. So, dear blog reader (11 so far) i treat you to my first blog photo. i grant you that this wasn’t taken with the blog in mind, bit it gives some idea. You also can’t see the little head dress but you get the idea!

Instructions from my Master

One of the complete revolations since i began to embrace this new world is my willingness to take instruction and even orders from my Master.  This is a revolation because i am generally not someone who likes to be told what to do. i often struggle at work if told in the ‘wrong way’ to complete a task, and certainly i have never been very amenable to my husband’s instructions. But for some reason i am finding my Master’s instructions liberating.

Last night we discussed what i will wear when i visit him later this coming week. For obvious reasons it will not be practical to drive dressed as a maid at 7 in the morning. i guess in the evening you could easily be on the way to a fancy dress party but in the morning, well no. i have a very nice black and white skirt, recently purchased from M&S, which is knee length but which easily rides up when you are sitting. i will be wearing this with a new low cut white top. Underneath will be no underwear except for stockings and suspenders. The stockings will be fish net. i will be driving with my skirt around my waist and i will be wearing a butt plug. i will stop at a service area and use a dildo to make myself cum while talking to Sir on the phone. These are his instructions and I will comply with them.

New blog for a new lifestyle

Over the last few weeks I have been exploring the possibility of following a new lifestyle. The lifestyle is BDSM.

This is not a new interest, indeed I have fantacised for years about being with a man who would dominate me, I have wondered about new and different approaches to sex, have thought about bondage and being restrained, I have wondered about a different erotic me who dresses differently and indeed is different.

I am a married woman. My husband is not only vanilla, but generally he has little interest in sex with me (or anyone else) for that matter. We have grown apart sexually though we have a reasonable life in other ways. I do not know what effect exploring this new way of life will have on my marriage except that I forsee some difficult decisions being required before very long. You see I have already done something since deciding that I want to move into the BDSM lifestyle and this has involved the best and most erotic sex I have had in my almost 50 year life. I have found a Master to serve and this blog will hopefully chart my journey as I progress. I am sure not all times will be good and certainly I am already battling my own concience. You might expect nothing more from me!