A gift

I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of family and friends over the past few months. People checking in regularly to see how I am. Those who sent or gave me cards and flowers following my operation. But I have been most touched by the generosity of people I don’t really know and those who are more like acquaintances.

On Wednesday at our local Munch, I received a beautiful gift. when we last met a couple of weeks ago I told her about my forthcoming holiday and of the anxiety I have about showing off my body in a swimsuit. On Wednesday she gave me the beautiful shawl / sarong that I am modelling below. I was overwhelmed by her kindness, but also I love it so much. I am very much looking forward to wearing it while we are away.

Photo by Graeme
February Photofest

A hiccup – Fit for Friday #4

Week 4 hasn’t quite gone to plan, you could say I’ve had a bit of a hiccup.

Diet and fitness

It started a week ago. Before I’d even posted week 3, I had fallen off of the Dry January wagon. I did have every intention of climbing back aboard, but that didn’t really happen. Intake of wine has been much lower than before, but I have had at least a little each evening. Food intake has been pretty average and we have had some lovely meals. So my half a pound gain is directly due to alcohol. Plan for next week is not to drink at home on week day evenings.

In terms of exercise, I had an amazing day on Monday. After my radiotherapy, we headed into London for an exhibition at Tate Britain. I really enjoyed the paintings and the walk through London afterwards. My step count by the end of the day was just shy of 15,000. That’s the best in a long while. Unfortunately the rest of the week hasn’t been so good. A combination of feeling tired and the weather (cold then snow yesterday / today). My average though was 6600. Once the snow goes I plan to step things up. In fact, we will be in London on Saturday and Sunday and will be walking lots.

Health

The radiotherapy is finished. It is difficult to imagine that 15 short bursts of radiation can cause such weariness in a person. But I really have been lacking energy this week. Also the skin on the right side of my chest is pretty red and sore, so I have stepped up the moisturising. Apparently I received some bolus does at the end of treatment which account for the skin issues. Effects are expected to continue for a couple of weeks. It is a month till I have my hospital follow up appointment so I can enjoy the freedom from hospital waiting rooms and car parks (and so can Master).

The slug at the top is from outside the Tate Modern. Rather fetching for a slug wouldn’t you say?

Things that made me laugh

Dealing with medical embarrassment

Over the past few months I have found myself in some strange but pretty serious situations. I have had to take my top off for doctors and other health professionals more times than most models do for a photographer in a whole career. Everyone is very professional and careful to protect privacy and dignity. But we do smile about it afterwards. G comes with me to appointments and even though they think he is my husband they are very careful that he doesn’t see my naked chest behind the curtain. Of course you should never take these things for granted, but it does amuse us.

In the waiting room

Over the past 3 weeks we have been making daily trips to the cancer hospital for radiotherapy treatment. It’s a reasonably big place with about 9 or 10 Linear Accelerators and most have their own little waiting area. The radiography teams are often running late, so you are sitting in close proximity to (often anxious) people for a while. During the first week, there was an abundance of people talking about their illnesses, not only their own but everyone they have ever known. Not so much funny as irritating, especially for G who has to spend longer listening.

Last Monday though we were waiting with a group of 3 women; daughter (the patient), her mother and a friend who had driven them. The conversation was about whether the mother and daughter who lived together should invest in amazon prime. There then ensued a conversation where all 3 called out films that could or could not be accessed on the service. A conversation about the chronological order and quality of the Alien films ensued. Plus the daughter wanted access to ‘christian’ music to listen to all day. I guess it is a measure of our daily lives right now that this was amusing. So much so that we have been talking about it all week. Especially when we were trying to find something to watch on Amazon Prime that was worth watching and at no extra cost.

Our own laugh filled viewing

We don’t watch much real time TV, mainly because we can’t find much to appeal. Recently we’ve been binge watching some old stuff. One from our youth that made us laugh was the Beiderbeck Trilogy – jazz, intrigue and comedy rolled into one. I never watched My Name is Earl when it was on TV, but we’ve been watching some episodes of that too.

At the cinema we saw the new Laurel and Hardy Biopic: Stan and Ollie which we really enjoyed. The bits when they were doing their act was like watching the real thing. It made us laugh out loud. It was serious and sad too, but the funny bits were real belly laugh moments. We rounded off with a couple of original films which added to the fun and laughter.

I pledge my commitment to blog for my mental health. I will write about mental health topics not only for myself but for others. I do this to destigmatize mental illness and to promote mental health awareness & education. I am a sex blogger for mental health. #sb4mh #bfmh #notalone #SexNotStigma


Fit for Friday #3

I was late weighing in this week due to hospital appointments yesterday. So consequently my post is late too.

Diet

Last weekend we were out both days and so ate out. Tapas on Saturday at our favourite restaurant in London and burger on Sunday. The tapas lends itself to sherry or wine and I decided to break dry January and drink both. After the meal I resumed my alcohol fast and felt fine with it. During the week my meals have been on plan and when we went out again on Thursday I ate a fish stew and drank lemonade. Yesterday I made a lovely Thai curry paste from scratch. It’s ages since I have done that and it was so much nicer than the stuff you get in jars. Last night I decided I wanted wine and sadly drank a little too much of the stuff. I don’t think I’ll be drinking today!

At the end of all of that, I have lost 1lb, less than the 2lb I wanted, but as my Slimming World friend texted, a loss is a loss. So that is 5lb in 3 weeks. My aim is for another 7lb by the time I go on holiday at the end of February.

Exercise

The weather hasn’t been conducive to long walks so I haven’t been out for the sake of it. There was snow earlier in the week and then it was pretty cold till Thursday. But I have managed to get more steps in, what with going to London last weekend, doing some shopping in a large Mall and going to the pub yesterday. So my average has gone up to 6732 for the week. I plan to try to push it higher this week coming, weather permitting.

Health stuff

Day 12 of 15 radiotherapy treatments was completed yesterday. I will finish on Wednesday. We have a Munch to go to that night and I will be having a glass or two of wine (though not as much as last night!). My chest has become quite red this week, a side effect of the radiotherapy. This is likely to continue up to 2 weeks after the treatment finishes. I haven’t felt so tired this week and have been sleeping pretty well. Though I was weary yesterday afternoon after two appointments in one day. As well as radiotherapy I had a bone density scan. This is because of the Letrozole tablets I have started. These cause oestrogen production to shut down and can cause loss of calcium from the bones. The scan revealed that my bones are healthy at the moment. They advise weight bearing exercise and plenty of calcium in the diet to maintain that.

All in all I’m feeling good health wise and so it is definitely time to step up the exercise.

Knickers to that!

There was a time in our relationship that I rarely wore underwear when we were together. It was one of the things that Master requested of me from the start. Going out with nothing underneath my clothes in summer feels thrilling and cool, literally. If a breeze catches your skirt and travels upwards, it can be very pleasant and even arousing. Similarly being braless is comfortable, not just in summer but when sitting around the house relaxing. Kink of the week is about knickers, so here goes.

Functionality

There are times when wearing knickers is about being functional. For example, under jeans. I don’t find it particularly comfortable to be bare under my jeans and so will generally wear knickers underneath. Plus, I like them to be comfortable, so they will usually be something with a bit of substance rather than a G-string.

Speaking of which, while I own thongs and G-strings, I rarely wear them. They can be damned uncomfortable and don’t prevent chafing so you may as well go without.

When wearing leggings I tend not to wear anything underneath. Partly to avoid a VPL but also for comfort and practicality. No need for knickers in my opinion.

Mixing and matching

I own many pairs of knickers, a whole drawer full and I also have lots of bras. Most of them don’t match each other. While I change my knickers every day, I admit I don’t change my bras. Plus, the complicating factor of my recent mastectomy, means I can’t wear most of my bras right now. So I currently have 2 bras with matching knickers. So the chances of my underwear matching at the moment is slim.

For that special occasion I will make sure I am wearing something that matches, unless of course I am gong commando.

Naked under my clothes

As mentioned above, there was a time when I rarely wore underwear when we were together. Gradually that changed. Mainly for practical and comfort reasons of reasonably big boobs plus chafing during hot weather. In the winter if wearing tights, I may as well wear knickers too. What’s more, this winter, since I’m not working I tend to wear trousers, jeans or leggings most of the time.

But once the weather improves (and when I go on holiday) I plan to make a concerted effort to leave my knickers off. We have been discussing how to reintroduce some of those past rules now we are together all of the time. And this wouldn’t be a bad one to reintroduce. Not wearing a bra won’t be easy for now, but not wearing knickers will. Another resolution for 2019 perhaps.

Explore

This journey of exploration started almost 7 years ago. Knowing I wanted more from life and from sex I dived head first into a world of infidelity, kinky sex, submission and BDSM. Given that Master and I will have been together for 5 years on February 1st this seems a good time to explore what I have learned along the way.

Great sex can’t save a relationship, but bad or no sex can help destroy one

One of the key drivers that led me to stray from my marriage was our almost non existent sex life. That and the fact I didn’t really fancy him any more. I had only had sex with one man and wanted to explore that side of me. Outside of the constraints of that relationship I discovered a whole new world. My husband had quite a low sex drive, and suddenly I was with a man who demanded so much more. I had never had sex that lasted most of the night, rarely sucked a cock and had never actually enjoyed it. Then of course there was the anal sex.

In the long term, a relationship can’t be sustained on sex alone. It wasn’t that S and I didn’t get on together, because we did. We enjoyed doing things together, but differed on expectations of what life might give us. I do enjoy the finer things in life and he was something of a cheapskate (irrespective of whether he had the money to spend or not). I don’t mind admitting I found him something of a know all, sometimes without substance. What’s more we had different ideas about where we were heading and in the end he made the decision for me.

There was no turning back though once I had enjoyed a healthy sex life. So the end of that relationship also proved to be the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Don’t assume you know everything about D/s on the basis of a single relationship

I emerged from the relationship with S imagining I knew everything there was to know. Also that I was more experienced than I actually was. However, what I did know was that I am submissive and want and need someone to give me structure and control.

Within days of meeting Master, I discovered that not all dominants are the same. The intensity of play I experienced on our first few play dates were more than I had known, but I wasn’t phased by it. Maybe in hindsight I should have been and perhaps I should have been more cautious.

However, for the second time I was lucky that I met someone both experienced and kind. We both thought the relationship would be quite casual, but found ourselves attracted in ways that we hadn’t expected.

Polyamory is not for everyone

I’ve never considered myself to be a jealous person, but it turns out I can be. It is also possible for someone you have never met to make your life almost unbearable. If I had known how upset our relationship would make Master’s LDR slave I am not sure he and I would have met in real life. We entered the relationship fully aware of each other, but it didn’t take long for jealousy to raise its head. I’d like to be able to say that it was all her, but really it wasn’t.

We brought out the worst in each other. Both of us wanting to be the most important person in our man’s life. Most of our attempts to engage with each other ended in one or other getting upset. If he had decided to continue with their relationship, ours would have ended. Her mental illness seemed to be projected upon me and I was becoming needy in a way that I had never experienced. I’d like to think that I could share Master with the right other person if he wanted. But I am not sure I could especially if it turned into something long term. Play partners though, that might be something different. But then that is exactly what I was meant to be!

Being owned is just right for me and for us

I have written before about the power Master feels knowing that he owns and controls me. And I revel in the knowledge that I am his slave, owned by him. In many ways we are coming full circle.

In the beginning, when things were new, I often stated that I could feel my submission so clearly that I could almost touch it. That was partly due to the effects of subspace, which was new to me. Being given multiple orgasms and receiving impact play are just two ways this can occur. It puts me into an almost trance like state, leaving the normal world and associated problems elsewhere. This feeling then extended into our life outside the bedroom. Each episode had a beginning and end, usually when one of us went home and normal life resumed. Sometimes I worried about being too needy, especially when we weren’t together.

Now, we spend each day and night together. Our apart time is short, though of course it happens. My submissive feelings aren’t reliant on orgasms, impact play or being told to kneel because they are part of who I am. He is naturally dominant with me. He owns me and what he says goes. Increasingly, I can defer to him, not because of neediness but because I am his property, his responsibility. This gives him the sense of power and it makes me feel safe and protected.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Fit for Friday #2

This week I have spent many hours in hospital waiting rooms. This is not conducive to taking much in the way of exercise. Even our usual routine of a daily walk to the supermarket has suffered, since we did a larger shop one day on the way home. However, it has been a good week for health and fitness generally.

Dry January

It is now 17 days since my last alcoholic drink, so well over half way. The desire for wine at dinner time has somewhat subsided and I am enjoying the alternative. Usually water or some kind of fizzy low calorie drink. I used to be pretty addicted to Pepsi max but haven’t touched it for months, as I was worried about Aspartame. I am particularly enjoying a ginger beer drink, which is sweetened. However I am restricting myself to a can a day.

I am thinking seriously about how to manage alcohol consumption after I complete dry January. Probably, I need to be mainly a weekend drinker and even then cut back on what I was having before.

I will be breaking Dry January early as I finish my radiotherapy on 30th and intend to drink some wine to celebrate. Coincidentally there is a munch that night and luckily that will be in a pub. While it would be good to finish on 31st, some things need to be celebrated and the end of cancer treatment is one of them.

Fitbit stats

I don’t know if giving up alcohol is the cause, but my resting heart rate has dropped by 10 to 60 or below over the past couple of weeks. It had already dropped over the last few months since I became more rested and less anxious about much at all.

My hours of sleep are about the same, and I seem to wake the same number of times. But I feel more rested when I wake in the morning and best of all am not up to the toilet so much. This must be due to the no alcohol thing.

As for step count. We went to London this week for an art exhibition and that day I managed to clock up 11,000 steps. My average overall is 5500. This is way down on what I was doing when at work and isn’t something I can do much about until after Radiotherapy. But we are out this weekend to see some films, again in London, and will be walking around quite a bit. So I am hopeful of pushing up the average.

Diet and weight loss

In the main I have kept to my slimming group plan this week. We’ve eaten lots of extra vegetables, i’ve eaten fruit as snacks and not succumbed to chocolate. Not difficult since we don’t have any left. The result of this effort, plus no alcohol has resulted in a 2lb loss which puts me back to my August weight. My BMI is 31.1 so heading back to overweight rather than obese!

The tankini and new tops I ordered last week have arrived. These are all post mastectomy items with pockets for your prosthesis. The desire to look good in these garments is spurring me onwards.

We’re underway

It’s almost 3 months since my surgery. Over that time there have been numerous hospital appointments and much waiting. But at last the radiotherapy treatment is underway.

Last Monday (New Year’s Eve) was the planning appointment. During this the Doctor and Radiographers take various technical measurements required for the treatment. Then pen and finally tiny tattoo marks are applied to help them line up the machine for the daily dose. We are lucky that the cancer centre is just 20 minutes away and this week I feel glad that this is happening after my move rather than before.

Then on Tuesday we attended an information session, which was very informative – about the treatment, procedure, side effects etc. Before going back yesterday for the first dose. The worse part of the whole business so far is the waiting about. Each individual treatment area has it’s own little waiting room, but this soon fills up with people. Yesterday we were forced to listen to a group of people discussing not only their own cancer experiences but the health and illness of their spouses and wider family. Luckily I got less of that today, but Master felt the full force.

Anyway back to the treatment. The actual procedure takes only 10 minutes or so. Lining up the machine with the dots seems to be the tricky thing. For the first 3 days they also take an X-ray of my chest (the grey panel on the right of the picture above). The staff are really friendly and professional (as you would expect), so lying there semi naked with your arms above your head isn’t so bad. They say that side effects don’t become apparent for the first week, so nothing to report so far. I shall keep moisturising to try to prevent my skin becoming too sore and I am doing my best to keep hydrated (all part of the advice). I am day 10 of dry January and for once intend to see it through.

It seems that side effects are worse if you are dehydrated and so for health reasons I am avoiding the alcohol till this is over. I am hoping that will also help me lose a few pounds. After all, with a holiday booked for the end of Feb, I need to start to prepare my bikini body……

Then and now

So many people have commented and indeed congratulated me on my strength. It is true that I have surprised even myself on how I have coped. Much of it is to do with my personality, the no fuss and drama me (though I can create both when provoked). Also because I like to have information before panicking and try to be optimistic in these matters. But make no mistake having breast cancer was the worst and scariest thing I have ever had to face. Losing one of my lovely breasts has been terrible, I morn it every day. In this post I will try to explain my then and now. There is no need to be sorry about any of this, I don’t need sympathy, just the chance to tell.

Then

Until pregnancy I was quite small busted, but while pregnant they grew and never went down. I always had a good cleavage and many people, men and women have admired it. High necked clothes don’t suit me, my face and neck look too fat in them. I prefer a lower cut dress or top. My bras were all plunging, not padded as they made me look bigger than I wanted, but underwired for support. Not that I was sagging especially; I was told I had great tits for my age (former relationship) and great tits full stop (this one). To me, with my expanding middle and puckered hips, my tits were my best asset.

Then

Once I gained confidence with my blog and began posting pictures of myself, they were often of my breasts. My pierced nipples, me bulging out of a leather waistcoat or wearing a leather harness. Master called them my jugs and played with them a lot. My nipples, especially the right were very sensitive and I have had nipple orgasms more than once. To me my breasts were my best asset and I am fucking angry and mightily sad that I now only have one.

Now

The skin around the wound is soft and smooth, but the scar line itself is kind of puckered with little folds. The area under my arm remains numb and puffy. No one can tell me if and when it will recover. I touch the wound area quite a lot. During the day the area under my bra gets hot and itchy and sometimes I can’t help but rub it. Obviously not out in public but in the comfort of my living room. Lying in bed too, I stroke it. You see, most of the time I can’t really tell I don’t have a boob there and of course neither can anyone else.

I have a silicone prosthesis that fits inside my bra, it looks (and feels according to master) pretty realistic. But you can’t wear this kind of thing with a skimpy bra with a plunging cleavage. This means that I have bought several new bras, but not thrown any of the 15 or more old ones I have away. However I may soon move them into a box under the bed for the future (see below).

Master still loves to play with the breast and nipple on the left side. He strokes and nibbles, pulls and pinches. He also strokes the place where my right one used to be. But it isn’t the same. Even when I am aroused by what he is doing, I am thinking of what I have lost. His fingers on my wound area and surroundings are pleasant, but there is no sexual arousal from it. Instead he concentrates on the left and my other erogenous zones.

Now

The biggest challenge for me now though is looking at other people’s tits. While I still love to look at everyone’s Sunday and other day blog and twitter posts. I can’t help but feel a twinge when I see a lovely pair of tits staring out at me. Likewise looking at old photos of myself makes me happy that I have so many, but sad that there will be no more like them. I also find myself looking for signs of the cancer within, of course there was never any sign.

Future

I know these feelings will pass. It has, after all only been 3 months since the operation and my treatment won’t be completed until the end of this month.

In the future I hope to have a breast reconstruction. To be able to show two breasts to myself, to Master and this little area of the world would be wonderful. I know any reconstructed breast won’t be the same. It is likely that the surgeon will have to reduce the size of the left one, so I would be smaller than before. But I know it is what I want. To be able to wear any bra, or to be able to go braless. Summer days with no bra, that has to be something to aim for.

Before that, well I will try to be as body positive as I can. But don’t imagine that this has been easy or that it ever will be again. I loved my boobs and I will have to learn to love having one again.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Here’s to 2019

So 2018 is over. In many ways an awful year, but also one where great things happened, as I wrote in my review. 2019 promises to be one of further change, but hopefully less momentous.

Final thoughts on 2018

Looking at my stats just now, I realised I wrote 198 posts in 2018. Just a last push and I would have written 200. What has been different this year, is that even when I didn’t feel like writing I did. Those 198 posts comprised 72,546 words an average of 366 per posts. Considering my Sinful Sunday posts often contain no or very few words, that is good going. Over the course of the year my traffic doubled, and certainly over the past few months the level of interaction has been massive. During the year there were 866 comments on my posts.

The top 5 posts for the year were a little surprising:

  1. Chastity, does a girl need to be locked in – A kink of the week post from 2016
  2. Blog tour – A kind of blog share like #SoSS from 2014. Sadly none of the blogs mentioned exist today or are currently dormant.
  3. Posture – A February Photofest picture from 2016.
  4. Boobday Virgin – At last a post from 2018 and one I am very proud of
  5. First Experience – A kink of the week / Wicked Wednesday post about my first experience of anal sex written in January 2018

2019 is here

This year I intend to carry on writing about whatever takes my fancy. In past years I just stopped writing if I couldn’t think of anything sexy or kinky to say. Last year I realised I can write what I want here and people will still read and comment. This blog is now a diary cataloging almost 7 years of my life, every word remains valid even if I don’t like to read some of it.

There will be more fiction, I just still don’t know if I want to join the Smut Marathon. I’ll probably go right up to the wire on this. There will be plenty of meme participation including hopefully February Photofest. I’m pretty sure I will voice my opinion on a plenty of topics, some will be kink related and some won’t.

First of all though I have some treatment to go through. Yesterday I had 3 tiny black dots tattooed onto my skin and next Thursday my radiotherapy begins. I lay on my back, arms up while they performed a CT scan and ran through a simulation of the radiotherapy. My chest was covered with a gel mat which felt cool – probably a good thing as they will be using it during the treatment.

Radiotherapy will run daily (week days) till 30th so that will be January and then in February we will hopefully go away on a holiday somewhere warm. It is difficult to think past all of that at the moment, but we have ideas and plans for more fun things. I will need to find some work later in the year, but hope to keep to short freelance projects.

The biggest thing personally will probably be the divorce. Once that is done, then we will see what next.

From where I sit this afternoon, the first of 2019 the future looks pretty bright. Happy New Year.