The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don’t quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

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This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.
Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can’t tell the difference.
Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being. 
It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.
Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment. 
This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that. 
Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.

Signs of commitment

The idea of piercings is not a new one for this girl. A year or more ago, S and this girl discussed the possibility.  This girl thinks that if he had been committed she would have gone ahead, after all it is something she knows she would love.

Graeme wants this girl to have her body pierced. This girl wants to have her body pierced.
This girl’s body belongs to Him now and so, she would have those piercings for Him. There is little she wouldn’t do for Him right now.
We are talking both nipples and clitoral hood.
But, this is important. On one level it is about having metal pushed through some intimate places, so that in itself is serous for the person who in reality owns that body. By the that this girl means the one who will suffer the pain, and of course ultimately the pleasure.
On another level this is quite symbolic.
Neither Graeme, nor this girl think that collaring are the right thing for them. This is not a never say never kind of thing, it is about what is right for their situation at this moment (taking account of other relationships etc).
Piercing though to both Graeme and this girl feels like a way He can proclaim His ownership and she can give herself more formally to Him.
When it is done, this girl will say a little more.

Happy girl

That is what this girl is; happy.

After the frustrations of Thursday and my post on Friday, things were soon sorted out. In fact He texted this girl before he had read my blog on Friday morning, suggesting He come over on Friday night. Of course this girl jumped at the chance.

Sometimes this girl wonders why she gets so wound up by a situation, though tiredness last week probably didn’t help. Work is busy and challenging and this girl is exhausted by Friday. The good news is from May 1st she is reducing her hours and will only work a four day week. This is going to be important moving forward for all areas of this girl’s life.

This girl cooked dinner on Friday night and then Sir and this girl spent some time chatting and generally groping. There was some very good sex later in the evening. The chat did cover the problems that occured on Thursday and earlier in the week. This girl knows she should deal with them before they get on top of her and will definitely try to do that. What is more, Sir spanked this girl at the beginning of the evening, and that definitely put this girl back into her submissive place.

Before meeting Sir, this girl was invariably up early on weekend mornings, after all what was there to keep her in bed? Weekend mornings with Sir are somewhat different.

This girl no longer needs to jump out of bed. She is not restless or in any hurry to start the day, rather she is happy to just be with Him. In whatever way He pleases her or she is able to do the same for Him, she is just happy to be there. This is definitely new to this girl.

This girl is by nature someone who is often considering the next thing she must do, while still finishing off what she is doing now. It is interesting then, that being in Sir’s presence has such and effect on her. That his very being, puts her into her submissive space. That she is so calm.

This girl has grown used to being in that place of a weekend. On Thursday night she thought she would see little of Him over the weekend and that because of that, she would find it difficult to get into the right submissive space. This perhaps made her a little bratty. It turned out something different happened. But since they can’t always be together this girl needs to think about how to be a happy submissive sub at the weekends even when He is not there with her.

The piercings this girl intends to get in 2 weeks time will help. But that will be another story.

Submissive self

There doesn’t seem to be too much to say about this week, except that this girl’s emotions are a bit up and down and that she feels rather weary from a busy working week. This girl has been thinking about those emotions and about her submission.

Sir feels that this girl made a lot of progress with her submission over last weekend, quite in what way he hasn’t exactly said. But for this girl it feels that it was less about spending hours in subspace and more being in a space where she was her submissive self. There are subtle differences about these two states. In subspace this girl feels not quite in control of herself, she is a little vague and vacant and struggles to make decisions because of that. In submission space, this girl feels that she has handed control over to Him but that she can function, can make decisions where they need to be made. It is more that in His presence she is the person they both want her to be. She is a submissive.
This has led this girl to think about how she is away from Sir, during the normal working week and the extent to which she can be more like this submissive person in normal life. Yesterday at a meeting,  this girl reverted back to her previous self. She spoke over someone and for that received a look which was not dissimilar to one she might have received from Sir. What is more, she felt chastised and a little ashamed, as she might if it had been Him. There was no need for her to have done what she did and she has reflected on this and other elements of that meeting. It is not about being door mat like during the meeting, she had ample opportunity to get her point across and did. But actually perhaps the person this girl feels she is while submissive, it more like the person she wishes others to see. Certainly, when sitting at her desk, getting on with work, this girl feels that she is more able to function well and to focus on her work if she acts more like her submissive self. 
When this girl thinks back to her younger days, she realises she wasn’t always the person who dominates conversations, who appeared confident to others and who was overtly extrovert. Ok so she likes the sound of her own voice and always has, but previously this was only evident when in a safe situation, perhaps with friends. Gradually, the work roles this girl has performed and the way in which she has had to take control (or thought she did), at home has changed the way in which this girl behaves in a variety of places and ways. Finding her submission is making this girl reassess the person she really is and the way in which she wishes to be seen by others.
Over the weekend, this girl thought about how her mood tends to drop on Tuesdays when she knows she faces an evening with hubby. This girl and Sir discussed what she might do about this and she came up with the idea of wearing her butt plug for the evening to help her focus on who she was.  During Tuesday afternoon, this girl felt herself drop and on the way home, Sir reminded her about what she needed to do. This strategy certainly seemed to work. Immediately the plug was in place, she felt calmer and more focused on her submissive self. This in turn helped her manage the evening with hubby. It also made her feel horny for Sir, and in turn that helped her focus. 
Sir has had some other things on His mind  this week and He hasn’t been able to spend so much time interacting with this girl. At times she has felt a little neglected and in the past might have had something to say to Him about this. However, this girl has tried to think through things from his point  of view and to consider His needs over her own. After all, if this girl is to be Graeme’s submissive she needs not to put her own needs first for a change. 

This blog

On 21st of April it will be the 2nd anniversary of my first post. i started this blog to document a personal journey and for the first few months that was exactly what it was. i wrote what i was experiencing and pretty much no one read it. But then gradually, as i explored the submissive blogosphere and left comments, so people came here and did the same. Then after a few months i told S about this place (though he found it around the same time accidentally) and so he also read my posts. Generally speaking he found the whole thing a turn on, not surprising as i wrote more about sex than about my true feelings.
Of course i have documented the way in which my marriage has deteriorated over time. i have spoken of the pain of having to tell your husband you are unfaithful and the difficulties in helping him come to terms with both that and that the things you do with others are not something you want to share with him. As much as possible, i have tried to be honest about who i think i am and my journey to get there.
Last summer i exposed my raw pain and then my joy at finding a new kind of relationship with S. True that after last summer, i was much much more careful about what i wrote and perhaps during that time i was playing a little to the crowd (as it were)
Now though, things are different.
i told Graeme about this place within a few days of us meeting and since then He has read not only what i had previously written but everything since. He has begun to use it as a way of gauging how i am feeling about different emotions and He and i discuss what i write.
When i write now, i definitely write for me. i write about me, about my hopes, fears and definitely my feelings. i also write knowing he will read it.
Even so, i often write in the moment. When feeling particularly submissive or even in subspace. While i edit punctuation i never actually significantly change anything i write. As with me as a person, what you see is what you get.
This is a different blog post than the one i intended to write. But after my conversation with Sir this evening it seems appropriate and hey it just came to me!
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Yesterday while this girl was at Sir’s house, hubby returned home here. This girl is pleased to say that she feels she handled the situation well and while she has experienced some of his usual self centred texts today she has in the main stayed firm (with help from Sir of course).
A version (not as good as this one) of this song was playing on the radio as this girl drove home from the supermarket. It made this girl think about her weekend with Sir and some of the times they spend together. Perhaps a message in a blog post?

Orgasmic

This girl was a late starter to the experience of the orgasm. Sadly she has been married all these years to a man who has never quite worked out his role in giving pleasure to a woman. for years this girl tried to teach him what he needed to so, but since she herself was a novice it was not surprising that she failed. For some time, before she discovered the value of Mr Rabbit, this girl experienced orgasms while asleep, during dreams and would wake up with her pussy throbbing. however this girl was in her 40’s before she experienced an orgasm given to her by a man. This girl had a relationship for a couple of years with a man who was unable to have full sex. For a while, the ability he demonstrated with his fingers, was pretty much all this girl thought she wanted. But as she began to explore what other experiences might be out there she knew that this wasn’t enough. The relationship with S, taught this girl something of submission, pain and humiliation and their relationship with orgasm. For the first time this girl began to understand the power of this phenomena and what it could mean for her general sense of well being.

This girl was allowed pretty much free range to orgasm at will with S. At the beginning of their time together, there was some control of this girl’s orgasms at times when they were not together, but this did not continue. S loved this girl to cum and did little to control orgasms even when they were together, though at times he did instruct her to hold back.

In reality the way in which Sir controls this girls orgasms may not be massively different to her previous experience. After all, Sir also loves this girl to cum and she is allowed to cum an awful lot. He knows that the experience of her orgasm puts this girl into a very good place and He feels that if she needs to cum she should. But it really does feel different to this girl.

Sir owns this girl’s orgasms and she must ask for them, unless He has already said that she may cum at will (which He does if this girl is not going to be able to speak or he expects she will need to cum lots). What is more he now tells her to cum and some how this girl does. Every time this girl cums, she must thank Him and tell Him that the orgasm belongs to Him.

Sir has been training this girl to cum at his will. To begin with He would count while he was stroking her, gradually increasing the number within that count. Then He started to just rest His hand on this girl’s pubes and demand she cum. For some reason it seems that this girl is able to cum on demand in this way in His presence.

But it isn’t just orgasm control or orgasm on demand that is very different. It is the way in which this girl feels that they contribute to her submission. How they help her focus on Him and on His needs, how they calm her and make her into His girl. Then how they help put her into subspace and how that then deepens her submission and makes her focus on Him and His needs. And so on.

This weekend, Sir has been given many many orgasms by this girl, when they spent two nights and a whole day yesterday together. This girl was also lucky enough to have been played with by Sir yesterday afternoon. She became reacquainted with the violet wand and the Hitachi. This girl was able to orgasm while receiving many different painful stimuli, probably assisted by a little bondage.  Over the weekend this girl has also experienced orgasms with her Sir’s cock deep inside her. These orgasms are definitely different from the ones forced with or without touch and those that occur with the use of the Hitachi.

This girl thinks she may be a little addicted to orgasms but then she is also addicted to her submission, especially she feels that state deepen. Perhaps also she is also addicted to Sir Graeme!

Looking ahead

This has been one hell of a week.

this girl started the week on such a high. As Sir and this girl discussed today,  she hadn’t been as happy for as long as she can remember.  The trip to France had been such fun and well, a time of rest and relaxation. Plus a time of multiple orgasm and cock worship. It was a special time for them both. The less than ‘south of France like weather’ only helped them to focus on each other. Sir and this girl had good food and wine. They visited great places; both of them sharing previous experiences of that particular part of the world.

It was a shock then that this girl dropped so rapidly. Not only that, but that by last night, she had fallen further than she thought could be possible. It would be true to say that she felt somewhat despondent? Should she give up on getting hubby to understand how she felt, should she even stop seeing Sir?

this girl did something she has never done before. She skyped with Sir when hubby was in the house. What is more, first hubby walked in and then he eavesdropped on the conversation. But to be honest (and only time will tell), the penny has dropped. Hubby now knows how miserable this girl is in the relationship she has with him. she is now both sure and determined that while this road still has a long way to go, at least they have moved forward.

So, tomorrow is Friday.

this girl has a weekend of happiness to look forward to.

On Monday this girl posted about her submission and was ready to talk about her orgasms for the next post. this girl had so so so many orgasms when she was in France and on Saturday and Sunday. What is more, Sir has been training this girl to cum at his will. With a great deal of success too, this girl might add.

It is sometimes hard for a girl to get her head around the idea that counting to 5, 10, 15 or 20 could have the final effect it does. That telling someone she is a good girl could have the results it seems to. But this girl has to say the results are amazing. this girl is very much enjoying the control Sir has over her in this area. this girl has much more to say on this subject, but thinks that it might be nice to tell the story when she is in a really happy subspace again.

this girl is looking ahead and knows that next time she posts here she will be in that place.

Journey page has been updated

This girl’s submission

It would be true to say that until the past week this girl’s experience of submission and how it can affect a person has been limited.

This statement is made with a little more knowledge than this girl previously had. It is made with the experience of spending six nights and at least part of seven days with Graeme, who will hence forth be known as Sir (or Sir G, or even Sir Graeme if this girl is feeling it more appropriate on a given day).

The learning curve of the past two months has been pretty steep, but it is safe to say that this girl has learnt a hell of a lot about her submission and how it makes her feel over the past week. This girl thinks that Sir had intended to mix up the submission with some bondage, masochism and whatever else He felt like.  But cool weather along with discovering that this girl could be enabled to explore her submission without the aid of toys meant that they didn’t come out of the suitcase (no matter how much this girl tried to persuade Him!)

Of course He was right. One thing at a time here.

The key thing this week was this girls journey into subspace and the opportunity to safely stay in a floaty place for hours and perhaps even days (when she looks back).

The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!

joolz, who needs to refer to herself as not just ‘girl’,  but ‘this girl’ or ‘this one’ (she prefers this girl) discovered that she really likes the place that Sir helped her reach. she found that He will look after her while she is there, ensure she is safe and he will take her to the places they want or need to visit. He will make sure they are appropriately fed and that since they were in France that they have beer, wine (and water or coffee and appropriate).  this girl discovered that she can do the same things she ever did on holiday but without the need to take control at all. Save the fact that this girl in a submissive place speaks somewhat less and is more relaxed, no one who knew her would even know. But and this is a big but, this girl knows and Sir definitely knows. What is more, this girl likes to be in that place and Sir enjoys her being there.

The more this girl finds her submission, the more Sir finds his dominance and in turn this girl relaxes more into her submission. And so it goes on.

Along with the submission is sexual desire, of a kind that this girl has not really known before. Suffice to say This Man turns her on very very much.  this girl finds the submission erotic and so does He.

This girl will need to discuss the orgasm situation next………..

Sir and girl

It is interesting how over time you can get used to new ideas so that they start to become second nature. How you can start to view yourself and others in a slightly different way, especially as a relationship develops and you get to know more of each other.

So it is that when she is in the right place, when she is joolz, it has become second nature to not only refer to herself as girl but to think it too. This is what He calls her and, even though she is far from being a girl, if he views her in that way, that is what she is. Increasingly she can move herself from being Julie and slip into girl mode. Indeed increasingly she doesn’t want to be the person she was at all (with the exception of being at work and being mother or daughter). This feels like a big change over the past 7 weeks or so. 
Finding your place in the world of submission is pretty easy when you are involved in a scene, when you are in bed together, or even just face to face. Finding that place when you are faced with a range of problems that life is trying to throw at you is something else. What girl is trying to do though is to take a more measured approach, to be mindful of what who she is and where she wants to be on this journey (ok so she failed the other day when faced with a stressor which sent her into a weird place).
The next thing is about what to call the Man she is submitting to. The Man who she has given great parts of herself to. The Man who on here she is calling Graeme (since that is His name). Again, in the midst of whatever you are doing together it is simple to refer to Him in the way He would like, as Sir. It comes naturally to her. Getting to the point where she feels ready to call Him Sir all of the time is something else.
However, girl is feeling more and more that she is ready and that it is just a matter of time before she things about him and refers to Him at all times as Sir.
This to girl is about trust and about acceptance. Giving up her body to Him seemed somehow easier than essentially giving up something deeper. Thinking about Him as her Dominant, her Sir outside of the bedroom (as it were) is a big thing. Something quite new for this particular girl. It is about the whole of her submission, it is about giving it all to Him for His safekeeping.
That trust is there though and so is the emotional attachment that seems to be necessary. 
Sir and girl are off on a short trip together over the next few days and girl is pretty sure that by the time they return there will be no doubt in her mind about her place and her ability to recognise His.
joolz will return to this place next weekend.

Then and now

It has only been 6 weeks since Graeme and i got together, but already i know that the submissive i was with S is a pole apart from the one i am right now. Even taking account of the last few months when submission wasn’t much more than a bedroom game, this feels much more serious.

During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn’t so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.

At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep  desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn’t make what i wrote wrong, it wasn’t that i didn’t know what i felt, or that i didn’t feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.

A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme’s request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.

This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.

To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.

To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don’t i need to do this but actually i don’t want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn’t tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn’t always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn’t, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.

Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn’t always do that? What if i didn’t always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so difficult.

Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.