Humiliation

There are one or two blog posts around today covering humiliation as a topic. Aisha has a wonderful poem in her post on the subject and sin has been talking about things that are humiliating but within the limits of what  is ok and those that were outside those limits but are now not.

One of the things i learn about myself is that the limits i thought i had, the things i thought humiliating now aren’t.

Many people hate being called a whore or a slut. I also hate these terms when used by people other than Sir and perhaps even by Sir when used out of context. But when he knows i am not wearing underwear and he calls me a slut, i love it. When we talk about my love of anal sex and he calls me a whore i love that too.

On our very first date, on that first night. i dressed in a short skirt, which only just covered my stockings and suspenders. i wore black heeled shoes that i could barely walk in and i walked into a bar and ordered a drink. i sat at a table and waited until Sir who i had barely met in person came into the bar and asked to join me. He had us move to another table with lower chairs where he could observe and touch me more easily and then we tried to engage in normal ‘we’ve just met and are just having a chat’ conversation while he ran his hand up my stocking top in pretty much full view of the bar.

This was humiliating, sir told me later that i was a slut for doing it, but i loved it. The whole time experiencing a combination of blind panic and amazing exhilaration.

My favourite thing about my journey into this new lifestyle is the way in which i am discovering so much more about me. It is a journey that i never expected but which i am just loving!

He likes it!

Sir has read my blog and he likes it. i would admit to having been a little anxious over the last 10 days or so about whether i had done the right thing in sending Him the link to my blog. But last night, he told me he thought it was well written, so much so, he even feels like he was there!

This is a big week for us, because for the first time since that initial night we are going to be together over night, we will go to sleep together and wake up together. i am beyond excited about the prospect. There is something so much nicer after sex, particularly sex which has involved some of the very thrilling things we like to do together, not to have to get out of that bed and drive 100 miles home!

Unfortunately to get to Friday, i have a busy working week. There is only one of me doing my job, and this means that it is easy to get behind. This is particularly easy when you take a few days off, which i did. Things are catching up on me, i have deadlines and they approach fast right now. Still being busy helps time to progress when you are almost beside yourself with excitement don’t you think? I also have hubby organising to do. He is off on his stag weekend on Friday and he will need to be got ready and apparently he also needs me to take him somewhere to meet the groom and other travellers, just when i ought to be at work. i suggested a train but he doesn’t seem to think train are an option for him, even though i can drop him at the door of the station. i’d like to develop a more dominant stance on this, but it doesn’t seem in my nature. Plus there are fights you should have and those you shouldn’t and given what i will be up to by Friday night the latter seems best!

Dear SIR

So today i head off to Barcelona for the weekend with hubby, my brother and his girlfriend, it feels like a good time to tell you that i have been writing this blog. You will have received the url in an email and i hope you read it. By doing so i hope that you can tell, if you didn’t know already that meeting you has had a profound effect on me and on my life. i just want to say, Sir, that i couldn’t be more glad that i stumbled across you on that particular chat site. That we played out that scene that night, that we chatted on the phone and that i was brave enough to turn up when we arranged to meet. In 3 short months you have helped me to find a completely different side to myself.

i started writing this blog soon after, as a place to write about myself and the person i hoped to become. i hope you will agree that with your help i am well on that journey. Who would have believed that i would become such a slut, and what is more your slut!

As you know i would give anything to be heading away for the weekend with you, but rest assured i will be thinking about you and about the wonderful things we do together, the amazing way you make me feel and will be looking forward to us being together for at least a whole night later this month.

With all of my love Sir,
Joolz xxx

The Good (rather than), the bad and slightly bizarre

The best thing about Monday night was the feeling that we could be out on a proper date, rather than meeting for lots of sex and then going home. Well of course there was lots of sex and then i did go home, but still.

The hour before we left for the restaurant was pretty intense, as that first hour together tends to be when you haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks. Sir reclaims every part of my body and i make sure he knows that i know what i am there for. His fingers between my legs, between the slit of my little split g-string, making me gasp. Lying down on the cupboard while Sir explored me with his tongue. On my knees for sir while i tasted his cock again. On the bed nipples clamped, Sir’s tongue on my clit, bringing me to the edge, again. On the floor in front of the mirror while Sir took my ass. Then lying together on the bed, stroking, kissing.

When we left the room to go out for dinner, i was wearing the remote controlled egg. Sir had to practise the functions on the way to get the hang of it. i just loved the unpredictability of it suddenly sending little pulses through me. The restaurant wasn’t busy, though it was a Monday so the fact that there were a few groups and couples was a good indication that we were likely to get a good meal. We weren’t disappointed. This was actually the first time we had been out for dinner together, usually we have eaten food that Sir has prepared in his house or one time a picnic. The tables had cloths as requested by Sir, but sadly we weren’t sitting in quite the right position to each other to take advantage of that. Still there was the egg, which Sir said he couldn’t tell was on or off (since he couldn’t hear it), i have to say that i could! The food was very nice and the service attentive but not over powering.

We took a scenic tour of the City back to the room, luckily the rain we had experienced on the way to the restaurant had stopped. However there were quite a few people around so no chance for any kind of naughtiness (just as well probably). So back to the room and more quality time together before i headed off home (as previously described).

Tuesday dawned, another wet day (June has been the wettest on record and July seems set to follow suit) as i headed over to the B&B. i arrived shortly after 9am and with check out at 10.30 there wasn’t a great deal of time. Still as if we only ever had an hour or so we would fill it up pretty intensely, and we did! The actual order of proceedings are kind of blurred right now, but suffice to say that Sir claimed each of my holes with His cock. Plus i was given my fair share of orgasms. All in all it was a pretty good start to the day.

The rest of the day we spent doing some fun, but dull weather related activities – shopping (some very nice new red split panties await me as Sir’s for next time), walking, sightseeing (we were in a historic kind of place) and a very pleasant lunch.

As i returned home, Sir safely on the train, me slightly red faced from my encounter with Mrs B&B lady, but my bag safely by my side, i could still feel where Sir had been. A slightly sore feeling bottom and a feeling of satisfaction. That feeling is worth any kind of slight embarrassment. Especially as that lady knows what i know: i am definitely a slut, just a forgetful one!

Got to get my thoughts in order

Don’t get me wrong, Monday and Tuesday with Master were great. They were a little different from our other encounters, a mixture of great sex, lovely cuddles, a little (slightly) naughty public stuff, quite a bit of cultural touristy stuff, a little shopping and two very nice, but different meals out. But i really need to get the events sorted into some kind of order so that i can write a reasonably coherent blog post.

As a little taster i can reveal that Sir spanked me soundly and that i enjoyed it very much. i can also reveal that Sir had a very nice, spacious room which lent itself nicely to some great play. i can reveal that the remote toy worked well; Sir enjoyed the control he had over it very much and i found it very erotic. i definitely made a mistake in not being bold enough to stay the night and will go into more detail of the rather bizarre consequences of my going home and coming back the next morning.

Mostly though it was just really nice to spend some quality time with Sir, to be able to chat, to walk the streets hand in hand and to enjoy meals out together.

More later, work beckons…..

New month, new look

i have given myself a makeover, as i wasn’t all that sure about the orangeness i had before. i quite like the new look, what do you think?

This blog makeover led me to think about what to write about today, and my appearance seems to be something worthy of a post, so here goes.

Since i have been seeing Sir i have been thinking much more about my appearance and about the clothes i wear. It is not that previously i looked like someone who had been dragged through a bush and then went around wearing a sack, far from it. But i wore trousers a lot, rarely bothered with make up and rarely took the time to match my underwear. Sir prefers to see my legs and he likes  me in stockings, preferably held up with a suspender belt. Since i threw out all of the suspender belts i ever owned some time ago, i have had to invest in new ones. Plus since i am tall, i have had to explore which supplier of stockings suits my height and build best. Over the last few months i have had some difficult moments with stockings being too short and suspender belts wanting to follow them down to my feet!

Sir likes me out and about without knickers, even when he is not with me. i have actually enjoyed doing this for him. Knowing there is nothing between my bare pussy and ass and the outside world, other than my skirt tends to focus my mind on what i am doing and how i move. It makes me think of who i am, what i am and who i am doing this for. That i expect is the point of the exercise. i don’t do this all of the time, i am human, i like to wear trousers, sometimes it is windy and sometimes i just plain forget and wear knickers. i also cannot and will not wear stockings all the time when he isn’t around me. For a start, bare legs are best for summer and even though the weather in the UK has so far been mainly unsummer like, i like to make the point to the world that this is summer.

The other issue is shoes. As i said above i am tall. i tend to wear shoes that are either flat, or else with just a small heel. I do own shoes with heels, but tend not to wear them all that much. Actually i do look quite good in heels, i have long legs and they do lend themselves well to a heel.

Sir is shorter than me in height, indeed this is the first time i have been with someone who isn’t taller than me. He seems to like it and to be honest he has other features that mean i don’t mind if he doesn’t. We are settling on the very high heels for the bedroom (as it were) and perhaps slightly less high for when we are out and about. This means i am less taller than him and also can actually walk.

The final thing which i have changed relates to hair (pussy rather than that on my head). Since i have been seeing Sir i have removed it all and kept it pretty much shaved. Hubby has always been on at me to do this, and i have resisted in the past, but now i am bare down there, i actually like it. i am quite a hairy person if i don’t shave / use hair removal products, so always removed some hair. But actually the feel of my own bare skin is something i have decided i like for myself as well as for him.

Still to attend to is my weight. i have a constant battle with it and just lately i feel it is creeping up (well actually i know it is creeping up) and i need to get better control of my food intake, and of my exercise regime. This is something Sir can’t really help with, and i know it is something i need to do myself. And i will.

More Saturday thoughts

It’s been a busy day, but everything i have done today has been filled with thoughts of Monday.

Yesterday we chatted on the phone. Indeed we didn’t just chat, Sir made me come in the office of my Director. As He reminded me, i have come a long way since we met 3 months ago. We had chatted via Yahoo for a few minutes, with Sir pressing me further and further within the confines of my office to first spread my legs then to touch myself. The office is open plan, but Friday is comparatively quiet, so i had just one person next to me, though people behind and in front.  Then he phoned. He and i knew i had somewhere to take the call. I was pretty excited, since i haven’t even touched myself in two whole weeks by this time.

As we talked, Sir had me touch myself; i stood behind the closed door to do so. We talked about what we will do on Monday and what we have done before. i came easily (who wouldn’t given the restraint i have offered over the last two weeks).

Sir has apparently bought me a present for Monday, but won’t say what it is.
i have bought the remote controlled egg.

Such potential fun means that apprehension and tension is high!

So during ironing, shopping, lunch with hubby,  a walk by a canal with hubby, home for a couple of hours, tea with the inlaws then a tortuous wimbledon match involving Andy Murray, and the drive involved in getting to a from these places, all involve me thinking about Monday.  What is more i am handed the anxiety of a potential wet day on Tuesday and the thought that i may have to bring Sir here rather than enjoy outside fun.

Saturday thoughts

i like Saturdays. The one day of the week when i nether have to go to work today or tomorrow, don’t get me wrong, i do like work, i enjoy my job very much, but i also like days when i don’t work. On Saturdays i tend to get up early. I tend not to sleep late these days and actually i like to get up when the house is quiet and i like to get my laptop out and see what is going on in the webworld. Lately i like, while i am alone, to think about what has happened, might happen and blog about it here. Pain’s Pleasure’s blog post yesterday has inspired the words i am writing this morning.

For the last few months, since i decided to explore more about D/s i have read so much both online and off. I have been struck by just how much information is out there and just how many well thought out, well written words there are out there for people like me to find. i have also been struck by how welcoming people can be to their community when you happen to stumble across it and leave a mark or two of your own. As i have mentioned before, i don’t even have friends i can talk about the state of my marriage with, let alone discuss what i like to do with the man i am illicitly having an affair with. So being offered the hand of contact and perhaps in time virtual friendship is very welcome.

I am struck by the extent to which the blog world provides an opportunity to see such a wide range of lifestyles and interests, while at the same time feeling like a community. i found this before when blogging about nursing. Through writing a nursing / work related blog, i have found that our lives while different, are often so so similar. i have found that people across the world with similar interests have many more similarities than they do differences. The same seems to go for the BDSM world. As with nursing, there are many specialities, different ways of living the lifestyle, but something brings those people together. My blog roll here is getting longer and this is now one of the first places i come to when turing on my computer. i love to see what has been happening to people, or how their wonderful vivid imaginations are working. i enjoy thinking about the lifestyles people are living and wondering if that is something i would want to consider.

Would i want to live a 24/7 lifestyle, could i do it?  Possibly, and certainly i would like the opportunity to live it much more than i am now. 

Am i slave material? Probably not, i am probably much too mouthy, far too used to being controlling over my own life. I am also not sure about domestic discipline type stuff – this is one of many things that Fondlers Anonymous has been discussing here

Do i want to be spanked more, given that Sir isn’t really all that keen on inflicting pain in that way? Mind you he has got the hang of causing pretty acute pain to my nipples and breasts once he realised what it did to my ability to submit. So maybe.

So as i get on with Saturday, and i must get on with the less enjoyable part (ironing then shopping to do), before getting onto more fun things (a walk and lunch with hubby), i have to say a big thank you to the people i have met online so far, to those whose blogs are helping expand my mind and thoughts and who have welcomed me into their world.

While at times i am really struggling with my emotions, i can honestly say i am feeling much happier with life than i was 3 months ago when all this began for me. Of course alot of that is about my lovely Master, but much of it is about so much more!

Submission

We are chatting on Yahoo, which is now our main source of correspondence, about next week. He asks what time i will arrive and we discuss what time we will eat dinner. He says that he hopes that we make it to the restaurant. i suggest that he exerts some control and makes sure that we do. He tells me that HE will decide what happens and when. i am in my place, and guess what i love it!

As with many people whose relationship is growing and developing, we discuss all sorts. On Sunday, given the events proceeding on the TV at the time (England losing as usual in a penalty shootout) we discussed that, our weekends, our families, his cold. i do like to discuss normal things, but i also like it when the conversation turns. i love it when he suddenly says: “you know what you will be doing as soon as you walk into the hotel room”? Of course i know, and just the very thought of being on my knees, collar on my neck, his cock in my mouth causes a little gush from below (no i haven’t wet myself). We move on to discussing the remote bullet i am hoping to purchase this week. He loves the idea of being in control of me while say, i am ordering dinner in the restaurant with tablecloths. Then he says he may make me wear a plug too. i am torn between that thrill of humiliation and fear of walking through the streets of a city near here wondering if what is inside will stay there. Another slight gush! i ask if i will be permitted to wear shoes that i can actually walk in. Yes he says, so long as i bring along some good killer heels for the room. We move onto what i have been wearing this weekend. Trousers i say – well who wouldn’t with the weather we had last week and at the weekend. i know he likes to think of me in a skirt at all times, but this is never happening. He considers a punishment for some clothing misdemeanour, since he hasn’t yet told me i can wear knickers again. i am all for punishment, don’t worry about that.

i really love the fact that a conversation for say an hour can make you feel so turned on. i really love the fact i can live on anticipation. It is 11 days since i was with Sir and was permitted what felt like 100 orgasms. Today is the first day that i would like to masturbate. This is something of a record for me as before i met sir 3 times a day would be the norm. He would be OK if i decided that i needed to get out my rabbit, though he prefers it if he is around in some way (on the phone for example), but actually i am going to try to last out. I think doing so will be good for me and for my submission. As he says i am a willing student and he is my very willing Master!

Photo obtained from here

Preparations begin again

A week tomorrow i will be with Sir again. This time, he has a few days off work and is coming to stay nearby. We will be able to see each other both on Monday evening and much of the day on Tuesday. i would love to spend the night with him, but in order not to arouse unnecessary suspicion i am spending the night at home. In reality this will also allow us to get some rest – if previous encounters are anything to go by. Sir has booked the accommodation, i am in charge of booking the restaurant for dinner. He wants me to book somewhere where they have table cloths on the tables, this is not all that easy these days. He obviously has in mind to be a little naughty while we are out and about.

When you are in a relationship like this, there needs to be planning. Time is precious and there is a feeling that you don’t want to waste it. But we are learning not to over plan, since a bit of spontaneity is a very good thing and certainly adds to the eroticism of the moment. i know though that i won’t be able to help myself thinking about what i will wear, down to the underwear (or lack of it). i will be thinking of those first few moments in the room with Sir and how things will progress. i will be thinking of the meal and wondering what He has in mind for me during it. We have been discussing my getting one of those remote controlled eggs for him to control. i am definitely up for that one. i will be thinking of the weather, because on Tuesday we want to be able to get outside. Of course neither of us can control that one!

All in all it feels really exciting; i just have to get through this next week to get there!