Letting go

There isn’t so much going on around here right now. By here, I mean the blog rather than real life, thats a place where things are pretty busy. Who knew I would go from someone who rarely went anywhere or did anything (except go to work or see family) to someone who was rarely found chilling out on her own couch. Having said that, I am here tonight and I have to say I am enjoying the novelty.

In her most recent post Jz talks about the fact that she and BG don’t ever have vanilla sex, and that their D/s dynamic is always present in their lives. I can identify with that and probably it is what appeals to me most about the relationship I have with Master.
We are not living any kind of 24 hour lifestyle. I am not sitting at His feet, nor am I waiting for permission to do what I need to. But actually I am His slave all of the time. I am mindful of who and what I am and I am there when He decides He needs me and my body. Having said that He makes His body available to me too and loves it when I take the initiative to say suck His cock as happened yesterday morning. He loves to use my mouth to get Him ready to reclaim another of His holes. He loves that sucking Him makes me so wet, as it did then. He loves to push Himself inside me and to reclaim his property, something He feels important when like us you don’t see each other for several days during the week. 
Yesterday morning though it was after that as at His request (I say that since there is no need for insistence) I mounted Him and impaled myself on His very hard cock. This is, I think the favourite position for us both. Him because it gives Him access to every part of me. Me because the sensations can be amazing.
And so it was that at some point during proceedings I became the kind of incoherent wreck of a slave that I turn into when He ties me up and flogs me. Master knows that as the orgasms come thick and fast I lose all sense of reality and control of myself, something He really loves. 
On the surface sex such as we had yesterday could seem vanilla. Only though if you turned the sound down on the scene and failed to look in the eyes of the people involved. His Dominance and her submission are ever present. And for that submissive, being able to let go like that is something she really values in this relationship. That and the feeling of His Dominance which pervades through all that they do together.

karma

I came across this on tumblr earlier and reposted it there. Since then, these words have had me thinking. They have given me cause to consider the person I am now and the one I have previously been. It would be safe to say that in the last few years of my marriage, I was pretty much Mrs angry. I am sure all of these words were used by me, in answer to something my husband said at some time or other. Often they were uttered under my breath, but there were occasions when I spoke them more loudly and with some meaning. Our ability to communicate was sadly lacking, though I think underneath we both knew what was meant. Of course, none of this was one sided, but I have to admit I am not necessarily proud.

Of course, that relationship was long standing. We had been through many ups and downs together, but the big problem at the end was a lack of respect for him. That isn’t to say there weren’t other problems (there were and they are too numerous to mention), but I think that was the root.

My current relationship with Master is new (yes a year is new), but we came to it later in our lives. Plus the dynamic is different and I would go as far as to say respect for each other is both central and key to how we treat each other. The way he looks at me, touches me and speaks to me is in essence different to anything I have probably experienced before and that has made me feel different as a person.

I often choose a blog title before I begin writing, though sometimes I change it after I finish. This one though – karma – sums things up, and I won’t need to change it.

 The Wikipedia definition of Karma is:

“action, work or deed; it refers to the principle of causality, where intent and actions of an individual influence the future of an individual. Good intent and good deed contribute to good karma and future happiness”

Perhaps a fly on the wall who heard Master calling me his slut or his bitch might think that there is no good karma going on with us. Equally when I beg him or that orgasm, or when I am tied to the bed while I am flogged, perhaps that fly might think there was no respect in this relationship. But while this is a relationship built on a preference for kinky sex, on a desire to give and receive pain, and one where Dominance and submission is paramount, friendship and love are paramount.

He takes care of me in a way that no human probably ever has before and I seek to do the same. If I don’t like what I think he is saying then I question it. If I don’t want to do something I may say no. Of course, I might in the process be called bratty. I might not actually get any response. But that isn’t because he doesn’t respect me. Instead it is because I have chosen to be his slave and I have agreed to trust him to make the right choices and keep me safe. And I do.

Kinky sex

Lots of it.

I wrote this on Monday, but somehow didn’t find the time to post. So as you read this, imagine it is still Monday.

I can’t deny being a happy girl today. After the stresses of the build up and run up to Christmas, I have spent the last couple of days in Master’s company. Generally, as the temperatures here have plummeted, we have been relaxing during that time together. But we have also fitted in a concert and dinner out plus meals enjoyed together in doors, that and some wine, beer and some champagne.

Last week we took that champagne with us for our weekend away, but somehow we just didn’t get the time in our room together to enjoy it, to relax. Last night though, we did just that, relaxed, watched TV and drank champagne.

Then we went to bed and had some very good sex. I guess if you were a fly on the walls (so long as you were deaf), you would think that most of the sex we enjoy appears reasonably vanilla. But it really is far from it. While there may have been no restraints or spanking implements (other than the little paddle Master playfully used on me as a ‘punishment’ for brattiness), one of the key elements that is always present is the power dynamic.

I am the submissive and He is without doubt in control the whole time. He loves that part of the dynamic, but then I suppose that is what makes Him the Dominant and me, well not. So whatever the position He is the one in charge. I had never imagined that being on top of Him or even sitting on his face could still be a place of submission, but it certainly can be and is for me. Sometimes on the face of it (pardon the pun), the sex might look pretty ordinary, pretty tame, but listen to the commentary that goes with it and you will find it is pretty damn kinky.

I for one am looking forward to lots more of the same in 2015.

Happy New Year!!

Time, what’s that?

Apparently today is the day of the great cookie extravaganza, it would be lovely to participate. But, firstly I am not a great cookie maker, and secondly, I have barely had time to think this last week, let alone put up a recipe. Having said that, there are loads of great recipes being posted right now, so maybe I will get me some ingredients and make some of them.

When I say I haven’t had time to think, that might not be entirely true, since I spent a great number of hours travelling by coach over the weekend. But the weekend and subsequent few days have been mighty busy. Time now to spend a bit of time reflecting back on that whole time.

This was the fifth time I had been on this particular trip, one which takes around 10 hours to reach our destination. It is time to catch up with some friends, to chat and to eat and drink. It is also time to catch up on sleep, reading and me time. The first two times I did that journey, hubby was with me. The second of those, just after he had found out about S. It now transpires that on that particular trip, hubby misbehaved and started the relationship which he now has (one he still insists is platonic). Last year when I travelled, a number of people knew about that relationship, I did not. That knowledge made me feel a little strange on this occasion. Strange and a little apart from the group. I enjoyed this trip, but somehow not as much as I have in the past. On the way home, everyone was already discussing next year, new places to see and things to do. I kept quite, I am not sure there will be a next year for me. I think enough might just be enough.

By this time next year, I intend to be living a different life from this one. I fully expect this to be my last year in this house, I don’t know if Master and I will still be together, but whatever happens I don’t expect anyone to think hubby and I are still a couple. We aren’t now and we won’t be then. My son has made it clear he would like his parents to sort themselves out and I for one want to have the relationship I want with the man I want it with, as openly as we want.

The past two days have been about my mum. I have spent time with her, taken her shopping and today for a medical examination. I have spent time sorting out yet more of the paperwork which emerges when someone dies and now I want time for me. Time for me and time for Master that is.

I have had very little time with Him this past 10 days or so (and none of it in person). I have had no time to be the submissive I want to be, or to allow Him to be the Master He wants to be. I only have to glance at His Tumblr blog to see some of the things on His mind and to give me a flavour of some of the things I would rather be doing right now.

I am looking forward to that time, Master and slave. Roll on Friday, when we will get that time together again!

It’s about the power, the control and the submission

He is not a great one for overt signs of dominance. There are rules, but if they are broken, and He doesn’t consider it serious He is not exactly hot on physical punishment. But in the main, the rules about behaviour don’t get broken anyway, since He has a very strong, but subtle control over me.

That control and the power that goes with it, is something I love so much about this relationship. That and the great times we have together, the advice and support He offers and the way He touches me.
Oh yes, the touch.
This morning, He spent time admiring His current project – the growth and shaping of the bush (the one that sits around the area of His girl’s pubes). He stroked, sat looking and then trimmed it. Then He wrote good girl above it. He also told me how much He loved how my clit is hidden unless my legs are spread. God, no man have ever told me that they love my body in that way.
The things He does, the things he says make me feel so damned submissive.
It doesn’t take play or sex. It doesn’t take a collar or exposing myself in public.
It takes the man – the understated Dominance. The way in which He exerts His power, His control.
I can’t pretend, I love it and love Him.

A different weekend

A post, revisiting some of the 30 days of submission, by little at willing slut had me thinking. In this post she reviews her need for structure and rules against what she wrote in 2012. I have already revisited this question in the context of my current relationship and like her things have changed. I have a need for the rules within which I have agreed to live – I have a contract now and for me that means something.

We don’t live together 24/7 and are unlikely to do so in the future, for a number of reasons all of which relate to our own needs; that we both need or own space. He has lived alone for a long time and I need to learn to do so soon. But we do spend quite a bit of time together, usually at the weekend. We also have contact during the week, often by Skype. This weekend is different.

This weekend He is spending time with His daughter and I am spending my time with my mum. I have brought us both to France. We have been through a difficult few months and we both need some time away. It is sunnier and warmer here than at home. Plus I have some things to do at the apartment, preparation for the winter and for next year too. Being away with a person who at the moment needs assistance, guidance and care is challenging. Being the one who needs to take charge is kind of weird. Add to that the need at times for me to remind her that she can do things and that I am not going to just let her sit indoors doing nothing. Since my son is grown up, I don’t regularly need to do this kind of thing any more and doing it feels out of my comfort zone.

Generally I feel His control all of the time. When we are together of course – He makes the decisions, though offers me choices. I don’t even always choose my own food when we eat out, let alone where we go. When I am on my own, I consider what He might think of my choices around the time I make them. Sometimes I consult with Him and He ‘advises’. Here though, I don’t feel it so easily.

Yesterday was tiring and stressful. I managed 2 carry on bags and a mother hanging on my arm through an airport, onto a plane, off a plane, at the car hire and into the apartment here (up 2 flights of stairs). I tried to be mindful of her needs at all time, and not to snap. Her needs were paramount and that was at times hard (I am balancing what she thinks she wants and what she probably needs). I need to be more assertive and controlling with her. It gives little time for my needs and for wondering if I am doing things in the way He would want. Or does it? Maybe, He would have been pleased with the way I did things. Maybe this whole thing is on a more subconscious level these days?

Our only conversation yesterday was by text. Today will likely be the same, but that feels fine. He has  things to do and so do I. There will be plenty of time to be together in the future and actually I have His control despite us being apart.

A strange week

It isn’t every week that you lose a parent (thankfully), so I suppose the fact that it has been kind of weird around here is to be expected. Last week was about caring for dad, for mum and for the rest of the family. It was about being there for others and taking time out for me. This week has been much the same in a slightly different way, but there is no dad. What we have now is thoughts and memories.

Last evening I joined mum and the elder of my two brothers to meet with the lady who will conduct the funeral ceremony. Dad wasn’t a religious person. He never discussed faith with me, never told me he was an atheist, but I suspect he was. His last coherent words to me, just over a week ago was to ask me ‘what is my destiny Julie’. I told him that it was to be there with us, what else was there to say to a dying man? So last evening we told her about the man who was a husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, work colleague, friend. Then later when she had left, we looked at some old photos and chatted some more. Mum is taking great solace in those memories and so too I think did we.

Yesterday too, I went back to work. There was a meeting I felt I needed to go to. There was no one else to go for me as the job I do is about me, not about a team. The meeting was fine, but back in the office, I found being there difficult. People were lovely, coming up and speaking about my loss. The trouble was having so many people approaching me in that way was in itself challenging. They gave me a lovely orchid plant and a card. So kind, but at the same time it made me want to leave and go home. I didn’t I sat it out, even if I was only part way effective.

My time with Master this last couple of weeks has of course been reduced. Plus, to be honest, I have thought less about my submission than of late. The role I have been playing has been that of daughter, sister and mother and not in any kind of submissive way. The conversations with Master have been just that and our meetings have in the main been for dinner and on Wednesday to see a film too. Our time together has helped me escape from the realities of the rest of my life, but also to be able to talk to someone who knows how it feels. Who knows how I feel.

I know this week will end and will be replaced with another equally surreal and unusual, since next week will be the funeral. Then after that there will be more weeks where we all try to come to terms with what has happened recently.

What I look forward to though is being with Master again in the way I know I need. To be His slave again and to submit, to be played with in whatever way He has in mind. Plus I think to at last be able to plan a little bit further in the future. To start to think of the next phase of my life, the one where hubby and I make the final break. I know I will need His support for that too.

Looking back, looking forward

This is the first time this girl has written a blog post while Master is in the room. He is sitting at the other end of the sofa, using His tablet, while this girl types. The times we spend together at the weekends are precious and at the moment this girl is having to share that time with her family.

This girl’s dad continues to deteriorate and is now pretty much permanently in bed. Thankfully a hospital bed has been loaned and nurses are visiting twice daily. Mum is beginning to learn how to cope with the situation, but only with a great deal of support from all of the family. What she does though is to phone whenever she has a problem, perceived or real, or if she has something to say. This morning, while Master and girl were in bed together, she phoned twice. Predominantly this was about the vacuum cleaner she needs and which girl has promised to obtain today.

This morning also, we have been talking about those first few times we met and played. The excitement of a new relationship, the thrill of new experiences. Submitting so quickly to His Dominance. Looking back to the posts this girl wrote at that time, she is amazed at the speed at which all of this happened. Even before a discussion about becoming Master’s submissive, girl had given over control of her orgasms, her body and then her  name. At the time, this girl and indeed Master believed it would be possible to have a relationship that was time limited, and which would easily end when they decided that this should happen. It would be safe to say that neither realised quite how things would turn out.

Over the months, this girl’s submission has grown and developed. At the same time, the power and control Master has over His girl has also grown and developed. Together they have explored and embraced the feelings, the emotions that go with the more physical side of that relationship. This morning we discussed limits. This girl admitted that she no longer feels that she owns her own limits, instead they belong to Him, to Master. He has not demanded that this be so. Indeed in our contract, He just asks that He be allowed to push them. For this girl though, the desire to submit is so great, the need to feel his power is such that she no longer wishes to have that kind of control over herself. Instead she trusts. She knows that He knows what is best for her and that in pushing her, He will also keep her safe from harm.

This girl has some difficult days ahead. But she has a Master with whom she can discuss those difficulties and who she knows will provide the care and support she needs. He will also take what He needs. The sex and the pain are vital parts of our relationship. There are intense moments of lust and passion, times when pain gives intense arousal and even for the first time an orgasm driven by that pain. But what drives us forward and what makes us know this has future is the way in which the slave / Master dynamic continues to develop, Each week we feel this to a greater extent. This girl wouldn’t have believed this could be the case, but it definitely is.

The past is important and special to us, we have formed memories which we can talk about and through this blog it is possible to remember thoughts and feelings. We don’t know what the future will bring, but this girl embraces what ever Master has in mind for her.

photo from Ervodou

What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don’t feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn’t a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.
Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn’t realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn’t such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.
A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM ‘thing’ as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.
Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn’t something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn’t about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn’t about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn’t about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am. 
It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone’s property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: “who owns you?” and I reply “you do”.
How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn’t take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn’t demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave. 
When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn’t seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else. 
But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out. 

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her ‘big sister’/ ‘surrogate mum’, since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th – a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn’t and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both – me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don’t respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn’t include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn’t mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn’t going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to – I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that – to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day – to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive