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I'm naked on the sofa with my feet up. My laptop is on my lap and you can see most of my body except one boob and arm.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a character being written, or if I’m writing myself.

Marilyn Manson

My blog is now 10 years old. My first post was written on April 21 2012. This month I’ve been looking back at the content, now over 1600 posts. The thing I’ve been asking myself is, I wonder how much of this blog is a character and how much is me.

At the beginning of the blog I think you were getting more of a character. While it was me underneath, I was trying to turn myself into the person S wanted me to be. That actually I wanted to be too. A more sexual being for sure. Someone who put herself closer to the front of the queue and didn’t just settle for the life she had.

I was living the life I wrote about, just not all that often. So I packed the posts out with memes such as 30 days of submission. Question 1:

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet or some other description or combination? If you don’t use a label why?

August 2012

“I started my  relationship with Sir knowing that he was a Dominant and that he wanted me to be his submissive. This essentially takes place within the confines of the bedroom (or whatever room or venue we happen to be in), but also spreads into online scenes, phone calls. This feels like a kind of planned submission. We are not quite playing a game, but we are part of an agreed arrangement within the context of which we are submissive and Dominant. 

Having said that, my submission and his dominance spreads beyond that. We can be discussing a topic, having a pretty usual, vanilla type of conversation when suddenly he will get all Dom on me and call me slut or whore and i am putty in his hands and immediate submissive. At the same time i might sit on the stool in his kitchen (for example), and spread my legs (no knickers) in the way he likes and he might turn round, see me and again he is my Dom and i am his sub”.

So in wondering, I have my answer. which is both. It was both a fantasy and a reality too. I’m really not a fiction writer, so in general I use life events to create my story. The me emerging during this time was different from the one I’d have written about before. Me but not yet completely me.

May 18 2014

In a new relationship I revisited the same question.

This relationship is based on Dominance and submission. This girl pretty much submitted to Sir on the first day they met for real. There seems to be something about the things He says to her and the way He says them that have a significant effect. Having said that, she is also desperate to submit. 

This girl is at a place in her life where she needs to change some things. She needs to find someone to be properly submissive to. This is not about what happens in the bedroom. It isn’t even about BDSM per say, but it is about her need to submit and submit to the right man.

This girl suspects she is slave material, but reserves judgement since the experiences she is having now are so new. The extent to which she can and will submit are unknown. Sir is also wondering about this and since He already has a slave, perhaps He won’t be the Man she is slave to. This girl doesn’t know and for now doesn’t particularly care

By the time I wrote the post above, I was thinking more deeply about myself and about my submission. But that is partly because of the experiences of the previous two years and also learning how dominance and submission can manifest itself in others. While I didn’t yet know where the relationship was heading I was more assured in myself.

Writing for myself about myself

!0 years of blogging material provides a great insight into my own evolution. As a middle aged woman and as a submissive, but also as a blog writer. More and more over the years I’ve managed to find a voice and to write from the heart. It’s not always easy when you know that the man you serve and who you love reads every word. But I try not to write for him, but instead for myself. I guess that’s all a person can do when they are trying to be true to themselves.

5 thoughts on “Wonder”

  1. I have struggled at times with NOT censoring myself on my blog, knowing that people I’m intimate with are reading. It’s a fine line to walk sometimes, to be honest about my feelings & experiences without inadvertently being hurtful or somehow saying “too much.”

  2. I always … always … enjoy reading your posts and learning more and more about your journey(s).
    And I LOVE your “wondering” relaxed photo. Brilliant !!!
    Xxx – K

  3. It’s hard to write when the person you love reads everything you write. It seems to me that the thought of this affects your writing, even if you think otherwise.

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