Control

“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is non by disregarding things beyond our control”

Epictetus

Back in 2012 and 2013 I wrote a lot about submission and my new found desire to submit. But not about control and my desire to give that to another. That came later in my current relationship. What is clear looking back was that I was something of a control freak in my life.

I sought not only to control my own life, but that of those around me. Then I became upset when things didn’t go my way, people didn’t conform to what I wanted. That’s hard to accept but I think is probably true.

When I met S he offered me ways to submit to him via specific tasks and instructions. I’d never done such a thing before outside of work when I was very junior. I was used to deciding for myself what to wear and how to act. But suddenly I felt freed in some small way by the control S imposed.

An example:

“First stop was the ladies toilets. She needed to change from her sticky work clothes into something less heavy. Something short, something suitable for the occasion. Locking the cubicle door behind her she hung her bag from the hook on the wall and stripped off her skirt, top and bra (she was wearing no panties).

She let all but the bra fall to the floor. Putting the bra inside the bag, she took out some stockings and a suspender belt bag and perched on the toilet. The stockings were smooth to the touch as she put them on. Running her hands up her legs, she shuddered slightly thinking about what was to come.

Standing up in just stockings and shoes she set about attaching the suspender belt to the tops of the stockings. Lastly she took the little blue dress, and pulled it over her head, pulling it down to just below the tops of her stockings. She gathered up the work clothes and put them into her bag before emerging from the cubicle she headed towards the washbasins to apply her make up.”

Written in August 2012 in the third person, but a true reflection of an event. I met S at the airport as part of a scene where I would display myself to him and get him to follow me. Dressing in the way described had a few months earlier been alien to me. Much less doing it a the behest of a man. But I did and it thrilled and turned me on. Suddenly I was the star in my own erotic fiction novel.

“Standing waiting for the train she felt a hand touching her leg, it travelled up her stocking top and briefly touched her bare bottom. She shivered with excitement enjoying the touch of his hand, before remembering that this was crowded place and that she didn’t know this man and moving forward slightly. The train arrived and she stood facing the exit door. She could feel him standing close, his hands lifting her dress. Moisture erupted from her pussy as a cool breeze swept across her backside”

Thinking about control

The best thing about being with S was that for a few hours, a day or occasionally overnight I was able to give up control of myself entirely. This new experience was for a time invigorating and very very sexy. It ran its course over a period of months but while it lasted it was thrilling.

This was definitely part of my submission. A willingness to push boundaries and try new experiences and it certainly stood me in good stead for a future M/s relationship. But it was artificial and contrived. But right then in the summer of 2012 and through to the summer of 2013 I was having the time of my life. May sex life was amazing, fulfilling and different to anything I’d every imagined. There was some orgasm control, a bit of impact play and also nipple and clit clamps. There was little I wasn’t willing to say yes to. It was consensual and I trusted him. But looking back I question whether I should have been quite so easily controlled. Or if it was just part of the learning process. Who knows.

The event is in 2 halves, you can read part 1 here and part 2 here. The relationship was characterised by a series of days out and that will be the topic of tomorrow’s post.