My progress through the 31 days of Self Reflection has been slow. But then my blogging progress has been pretty pedestrian. For large parts of the year, I’ve struggled with inspiration. Indeed at times I’ve wondered whether to bother with the blog at all. When I started this blog, I was in a failing marriage and craved excitement. Those early years were a great thrill and I definitely got what I had wished for. Now though I’m settled in my relationship and am kind of happy with my lot. So a change of tack is what I need here.
In writing about my fears and my hopes I could talk about the fear of everything going wrong and ending up on my own. But actually I don’t feel that need right now. We’ve been writing our wills so we are facing up to our inevitable mortality but there’s still too much to do to dwell on that. So instead I’m going to think a bit about fears and indeed hopes for my blog and writing in general.
My biggest fear would be that I have nothing to write about and I just become dull and boring within this space. We really aren’t getting up to much in the way of sex right now, let alone kink. It’s a winter thing for sure. In terms of kink we are actually going to a club on Sunday for the first time in nearly 2 years, so that is at least something. The biggest problem for me is my lack of libido, when it comes to both things. It feels easier not to bother, even though I know sex leads to more sex and kink to more kink.
This blog contains thousands of posts. Some poor and indifferent I know, but plenty that I am very proud of. I wonder whether, in the absence of new ideas it might be time to revisit some of them and create a new slant. To think and reflect about how certain moments shaped me. I’d hate people to read my posts and think: “here she goes again, droning on”, or some such thing.
I very much mourn all of the people and blogs we have lost as the sex blogging and twitter community has evolved and changed. People I once considered friends have gone from my life, it seems easy to become insignificant to them. I often wonder if they think about me in the way I think of them? I assume not. I’m sad that issues of gender, for example became so divisive. That it takes confrontation for people’s true colours to come through and sides to be drawn. I always fear being cast out and in that situation you were always going to cast or be cast out of one group or other. I wonder then if deep down one of my greatest fears is being irrelevant and worse unwanted.
Don’t worry though, I have no intention of leaving quietly! Nearly 10 years of sex blogging must count for something. As I approach that date, in April 2022 I increasingly want to make some kind of splash that reaffirms my place in this part of the world.
I want to devote more time to being here on MPB, indeed to being her. Also, I’d like to be able to make my mark and am seriously thinking of starting my own meme early in the new year. I have ideas and am in the process of commissioning new art work for it.
But not just that, I want to write more, write better and make this a place people might want to visit. Plus, I want to try to make my way a little further up the Chaturbate 100 Sex Blogs rankings, hosted by Molly, who also does all the hard work. My rise up the ranks to 21 in this year’s list has not been exactly meteoric. Don’t get me wrong, I’m both grateful and proud of my placing, but I’m crawling up this mountain and feel I could fall off at any moment. Instead I want 2022 to be my year.
This year we arrived at a big decision, to buy a bigger property in France and potentially (rules and family permitting) spend more time there. Part of those plans for our retirement will be the desire to devote more times to the things we enjoy. Travelling and visiting interesting places, walking, reading and definitely for me writing. I feel I have lots inside that wants to come out but situation is important. The past 2 years have played havoc with our lives, so much so that they won’t ever be the same. That’s not being dramatic, but realistic. I’m 60 next year and I want to make it a year to remember in so many ways. This blog will be just one of them.