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Am I the only one who knows me?

“I am the sole author of the dictionary that defines me” Zadie Smith

A black and white photo of my bottom. I'm bending over while naked.

There was a time when I really think my true self was hidden from most people. A time when rather than tell people of I was sad or hurting, when they had upset me. I bit my tongue and kept quiet. This was also true of my ability to articulate what I needed from my sexual relationship. I had never learned to ask for what I needed, indeed I didn’t actually know myself.

Yet I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m an extrovert in many settings and I do tend to speak my mind. When I feel safe to do so anyway. But I think that if others had truly been interested in me they would have tried to find out more about what made me tick. Instead I became self sufficient and insular, preferring my own company to that of others. I lived in my own head much more than was probably healthy.

It’s coming up to 10 years since I decided to find out what really made me tick. To discover what sex and sexuality could mean to me and since I entered the world of kink and of course sex blogging. In April 2012 I began to write about myself in a way I hadn’t even thought about before. My first steps were cautious but gradually I learned to express myself through this media and I can honestly say I am a completely different person to the one I was then. Well the same in many ways, but very different too.

If you read my blog regularly you will know lots about me. That I am in my 50’s, divorced (I wrote lots about the breakdown of my marriage), I have had breast cancer. You will also know that I identify as submissive and am my Master’s slave. Just dip in and you’ll discover much of what I have learned about sex, relationships and much more. Of course what you read here is the tip of an iceberg of amazing experiences. Many of them made possible because I met Master and trusted him enough to help me become his slut and slave.

I know myself pretty well but he knows aspects of me I didn’t even know were important. He can tell when I’m happy or sad. When I feel safe or anxious. What’s more he can turn me on when I don’t even think its possible, when I don’t think I’m in the mood at all. He doesn’t go in for flowers but he knows I love to stay in a hotel overlooking the sea or a lake. Rather than chocolates he will choose a kinky toy and a night in a dungeon. Often when I feel fat and unattractive he will capture an image of me that shows me something different. Over the years I’ve had to face the fact that I don’t always know myself best. Sometimes I have to just trust that he knows me better.

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