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Infidelity is nothing to be proud of

It’s 6 Months since I wrote one of these Obscene Ideas self reflection prompts. All that time I had stuff I could write about but kept putting this one off. I knew though that I’d write about it in the end and that day has arrived.

My marriage was blighted by the fact my husband was unfaithful to me for over 5 years before I found out. I was a young bride, working hard as a nurse and subsequently a mother. You have to wonder how a man can bring a child into the world while he is secretly sleeping with someone else.

But having lived with the hurt he caused me, I did the same back to him, though not for 5 years. I was unfaithful and regret it. Infidelity is nothing to be proud of!

In hindsight I should have had the guts to end the marriage before I went in search of another man to sleep with. Should at the very least tried to talk to my husband. But at the time I just wanted to test things out. See what it was like to have sex with another man. Explore kink. I got caught up in the excitement and very quickly a web of lies.

When I got found out, or more to the point I confessed. I lost my place as the injured party and was forced to admit to being as bad as him. Well almost.

Looking back

I’m not proud and he deserved better. However there was so much more that was bad about our relationship than was good. I wish I’d been brave and told him what I was doing. Perhaps given the opportunity for a more open marriage. Deep down though I knew he would be hurt and jealous. Also that he’d be forced to face up to his own inadequacies. So while he hurled abuse at me and told me of my short comings he was faced with his own.

What’s more it didn’t take him long to find another woman, someone I’d worked with. So a new web of lies began to fall from his lips, while at the same time he tried to push the guilt on to me.

The end result

In the end we separated and are divorced, but that ending was prolonged massively by my infidelity. He kind of left, but without taking his clothes or giving me his key. He returned at the dead of night and he spied on me. But in the end I found Master and the fate of my ex was sealed. I was now with someone who hadn’t caused our break up. I deserved to be able to have my new man to visit and stay over without my ex turning up unannounced.

Now it’s amicable. My ex and his partner live in our former marital home. Every room has been decorated and I’d have done the same if it had been me. I get on well with my ex’s partner and am grateful she manages him better than I did. The things about him that grated on me still do, but I can now walk away from them. I don’t need to pretend any more. I have the ending I wanted, but I’m definitely not proud of the way I went about getting it.

Your thoughts are always welcome

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