It’s 3rd June and I’m late with joining in with Every Damn Day in June, which this year is being hosted on Molly’s Daily Kiss. Of course nothing says you actually have to post every day, but I need an incentive to write at the moment and this is it. June is the start of summer and a couple of weeks ago we were away experiencing our very first warm sun of the year. I took this photo, deliberately with myself in shadow.
The image is the link between Every Damn Day in June and this particular post linked up to Brigit Delaney’s Erotic Journal Challenge question for this week about early memories of sexual experience and how they have impacted on the person I am now. For most of my life I felt I was living in the shadows when it came to understanding my sexual needs.
I’m not one of those people who vividly remembers sexual feelings during childhood and adolescence. Indeed I was 18 before I had full sexual intercourse. But I did get together with my ex husband when I was only 15 and he 19, he was also a virgin. During our early days going out together was the first time I can remember feeling sexual arousal. Trouble was, I really had little knowledge of sex or how it was all meant to feel. For quite a young woman my mum found it difficult to talk to us about sex and relationships. Except maybe don’t do it.
Our early fumblings were just that. Neither of us know any of the how’s, but we were actually happy to explore each other’s bodies without feeling the need to go all the way. Our in experience meant nothing and we just enjoyed ourselves. However as time went on our lack of knowledge probably helped establish some of our problems. That and the dogma of my parents that you don’t touch yourself or others and don’t talk about sex.
Looking back it’s easy to see how we fell into the trap of not really discussing our own sexual problems. Rather we sought to blame each other at various times of our relationship.
I have no idea when I first realised that orgasm was a thing I wanted or needed. But at some time in my late 20’s and early 30’s I discovered my own body in a way I hadn’t before. My husband however never quite mastered the technique of giving me pleasure. It was mainly about him and remained that way for the rest of our marriage. Frustrated by my inability to get him to give me what I needed, I turned to toys. That’s when I discovered orgasms and the pleasure they give.
I’ve written here before about the fact that I came to a gradual realisation that to become fulfilled I’d need to move on. From my husband and subsequently marriage. He thought we could just keep trying, but it felt pointless. Then when I started seeing S I discovered what I had been missing all along. He was much more interested in my body than anyone ever had been. He derived pleasure from making me orgasm, from good satisfying sex. It was a revelation.
One that continued when I met Master and to this day. Our Sex Life is completely different to the one I was experiencing 10 years ago. I’d never go back. Interestingly it is getting more difficult to look back on those days with my ex. Something that wasn’t hard when I started this blog.
I know I am the person I am now because and in spite of person I was then. My sexual experiences over the past few years show that you are never too old. Nor is it ever too late to find what you need. I am definitely testament to that.