The second self reflection prompt examines how I have evolved over time. The past year, five and ten years. As I mentioned in my last post, I am focusing on me as a submissive women within a Master / slave relationship and more widely in relation to BDSM. I started this blog 9 years ago in April, so the evolution is there to see. The trouble is there are over 1400 published posts here, so it isn’t as simple as reading. Anyway, where would be the self reflection if I just asked you to read?
The past year
What a year this has been and still no end in sight. Master and I have spent more time together, mainly because our activities outside the house have been restricted. But we were already together a lot of the time, since we have both retired from work. Well I had, but that is a story for another post and anyway work doesn’t take me out of the house as much as it would have in normal times.
We have needed to put in extra effort to just recognise the M/s elements of our relationship this past year. As our mood about the situation dips then so does our libido, mine probably more than his. A ‘can’t be bothered’ feeling is hard to shift when it comes to other elements of our dynamic too. We are a monogamous couple (in the main) but often use the thrill of club events to create a spark. To make it feel like breaking out the equipment is worthwhile. But since last March we have been to one small fetish fair.
Just before lockdown last March we had struck up a friendship with a threesome we met at CMnf. On two occasions we travelled over to visit and play with them. This was really starting to make me think about myself as a female submissive and how I might interact with others. I am conflicted, because I am heterosexual and don’t really want to have sex with other women. But I am aroused in knowing my Master desires this. And also, when the others are are being played with by their own Master and mine. It’s a shame our fun stopped so suddenly. I don’t know if we will be able to pick up where we left off, but I hope so.
The past 5 years
We began 2016 in Spain having spent Christmas and New Year there. Three weeks away from home and family, I had broken with any past tradition and gone away with the man I loved and was slave to. A definite new beginning, even though it was another two and a half years before I moved in with him. Giving up my home and then job.
The first couple of years of our relationship was the time when we learned to be each others slave and Master. But this past 5 years have seen us evolve in different ways. The biggest thing is tolerance of our differences. We both hold strong opinions and at times this has led to differences of opinion and a short lived desire to hurt the other (emotionally rather than physically). In being able to come together as a co-habiting couple we have both needed to be more patient with the other, and walk away rather than strike out.
Our greatest test was when I developed Breast Cancer in 2018 because it challenged my own view of who I am. It also frightened us both, possibly he more than me because it is easier to live that kind of thing than watch another. In many ways though it drew us closer. It also made me rely on him more, something I probably haven’t stopped doing.
So while at times I have struggled to feel that I am submissive enough, too independent and self reliant. The truth is that I have settled into this relationship. I have given up the things that made me so sad and stressed for so long and have happily become his. He lets things ride for long periods of time before reminding me of my status. During sex our dynamic is always clearly present. But at other times I need to be reminded that I am his possession. Something I know deep down and want but do rebel against.
How I have evolved over the past 10 years
It is actually difficult to remember the person I was ten years ago. Except that I was sad and frustrated. I had only had sex with one man and I knew that it wasn’t all it should have been. Indeed much of my sex was solo and unsatisfying. It’s probably 10 years since I first began to explore the concept of Dominance and submission. In many ways I am the same person, I look a little older but am wearing well. I dress similarly, though have items of clothing in my wardrobe now I never envisaged then. Age and experience have changed me, but so have the men I have had relationships with. I am grateful to both.
S was in to visible signs of my submission – stockings, suspenders and heels. For the first time I dressed for another. Wearing things that made me feel sexy and aroused but also self conscious. He was into elements of humiliation that I endured and sometimes even loved at the time. But I am glad that Master has other ideas.These two posts – The pick up and The shopping trip give an idea of some of the things we got up to. It was thrilling and very erotic while it lasted. But what I found with Master has been much more fulfilling.
Master has a more subtle approach, but make no mistake I know who is Master and who is slave. He buys me sexy outfits that often leave no doubt to their purpose, but they are for me to wear with him or at a club. Access to my skin and in particular my cunt is something he loves. In the early days no underwear at all was something he insisted on. That was strangely humiliating, because I always felt others might know and judge.
Thinking back overall
The key way all this has changed me is to be able to allow another to take control of me in large elements of my life. In doing that I have found out that I am sexy, desirable and that I love and desire sex. I am submissive and need to be able to demonstrate that to my master. I never expected to find someone to love, I thought I was embarking on this journey for enjoyment alone. Now I know that you can have both. Much more fun than you knew possible plus a very special kind of love. I wouldn’t change a thing. There is no doubt though that I have evolved a lot over the past 10 years.
This post is linked to Obscene Ideas, Lustitude and January Jumpstart.